When I was a kid, growing up deep in the throes of Roman Catholicism, I recall that many of the teachings of the Catholic Church, the dogma and philosophies, were expressed through parables, which was a technique that Jesus often used during His time of public ministry and preaching. I figure, as the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church, if it worked for Him, it ought to work for me, right?
Of course, as a small child, I thought they were saying "pear-apples", you know, like "cranapples" or "craisins" or "strawberryrutabagas" or some similar strange combination of fruits that produces these weird advertising names, like pineapple and raisin, which would be "praisins".
As my daughter would say, whatever.
So today's post will be, as it was previously on 3/9/11, a collection of titles from some of the books in my library, that, with a slight (or maybe major) twist of the plot, could yield a "pear-apple" that could become a "teaching moment" or a chance to expound on the intricacies and joys of Johnism, as the dogma/philosophy of the AJATTWC is known.
In no particular order, other than as they occur to me:
*The Making Of The President-2012* (by Theodore H. White)
Actually, this book hasn't been written yet, and sadly, Mr. White passed away back in 1986, but these are parables, so a certain amount of artistic license is acceptable, at least to me anyway. And since we're going with the "artistic license" gig, I'm going to make the book a novel, unlike the previous non-fictional accounts of the Presidential elections from 1960, '64, '68 and '72 by the Pulitzer Prize winning author.
The heroine of the book is named Sarah, Plain and Loud, and we follow the would-be Pres candidate through a number of pre-primary meetings, conventions, photo ops and closed-door strategy "brainstorms", all the important things that go into the making and packaging of a Presidential contender in this age of 24/7 Internet news coverage, plus glimpses of her personal life with her husband and children, all of which have media "handlers" and press agents.
Sarah has limited experience in elected governing, having been the mayor of a small municipality and then governor of the fictional state of Mooseland for about 15 minutes, but feels that her STRONGLY held opinions on everything Conservative (with a capital "C") more than compensates for her serious lack of practical experience in just about anything relevant to the real world outside Mooseland. (For more insight into the "strongly help opinion but no or limited experience in governance" movement, see Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Bill O'Reilly, Matt Beck, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, et al.)
Sarah doesn't feel that her lack of experience is a hindrance to becoming President, and answers her critics by saying things like, "I can see Russia from my backdoor", or commenting about the North Korea/South Korea hostilities that "...obviously, we've got to stand with our North Korean allies." Obviously, she has great foreign policy skills, and can't understand why America isn't embracing her wholeheartedly. The only "constituency" she can claim is the Tea Bags conservative movement, and poor Sarah just never realizes how ideologically narrow and limited in quantity her "base" is, and can't believe it when she not only doesn't receive the nomination of her Party for President, but in fact doesn't even win one primary, and eventually returns to Mooseland in disgrace, calling all those who were critical of her campaign, her family or her personally "assholes".
The moral of this tale is simple: people with the IQ of room temperature shouldn't run for President, and Americans should be smart enough not to vote for them when they do.
*The Exorcist* (by William Peter Blatty)
Another classic tale of good versus evil.
The story opens with an introduction to the heroine, a young lady named Wiley, who has a father, Bobby Jay, who was a One Hit Wonder as a country/western singer about 100 years ago, and goes on to tell the tale of how Wiley, with intense and constant pressure from her out-of-work father and star wanna-be mother, launches a "career" of her own, as a TV personality on a kid's show, and then later as a minimally-talented, no-brain pop singer.
The plot takes a turn into the darkness of the occult, when one night, Wiley wakes up in bed, alone, to hear weird tapping noises coming from the attic directly above her bed, and to see weird poltergeist-like movements of the furniture and her belongings in her room. From this jumping off point, we follow Wiley and her dad, as the poor girl is possessed, and then completely taken over, by a demonic presence that wants her to drop her "pop music" gig and become a porn actress, an area in which the demon, whose name is Toomuchtoosoon, is convinced she will excel, and their battle to overcome the hideous force of evil that has overtaken every facet of her pointless existence.
Her father, as inept in this battle as he is in everything else, has no idea how to combat the demon, and calls in an Exorcist, a professional, an expert as it were, to "cast out" the malefic spirit and restore Wiley to her previous vapid ways. The Exorcist, whose name is Fred, investigates the strange goings-on at Wiley's house, and comes to realize that, yes, Wiley is possessed by Toomuchtoosoon, and begins to devise ways of casting out the demonic presence.
After a while, however, Fred comes to further realize that Wiley and her parents aren't worth saving, and that if he lets the demon have his way with Wiley, maybe eventually she and her whole sorry mess of a family will go away and drop off the face of the Earth, doing the world an ENORMOUS favor by not sucking up any more oxygen that the rest of us could be using.
The moral of this story is one of sadness: how sad that our standards as a culture have been lowered to the extent that performers like Wiley can come to be "stars" in the "Step Right Up For Your 15 Minutes Of Fame" world of pop entertainment, and begs the question, What? What were we thinking?
*Presumed Innocent* (by Scott Turow)
In Mr. Turow's brilliant novel of murder, judicial malfeasance, double-crosses, big-city politics and same-sex bingo, the main character, Rusty Sabich, is falsely accused of murdering one of his Assistant District Attorneys, a beautiful woman with which he had had a brief affair. (Obviously, there's a lot more to the story than that, but this isn't Oprah's Book Club, okay? Give Scott Turow a break and buy his book if you haven't read it; hey, its a hell of a story.) In the new and now improved Pope Guy's "Parable-Of-The-Week" version, the hero, Derrick Bananarama, who is an acknowledged world leader, as High Lord Tetrox of Lower Zimbabwe, is faced with challenges from all sides, including a rapidly growing deficit, an economy that's struggling to right itself after a terrible recession, multiple nuclear threats all over the world from nations run by maniacs, and finally, an outbreak of a civil war in a land far from LZ, but a potential "humanitarian disaster", and ol' Derrick, he has to decide how much and how far with the armed forces of LZ, which are fighting real "battles" elsewhere in the world, and when he takes his time to make a prudent and well thought out decision, he's criticized in the media by his evil nemesis, the Nacilbuper Ytrap, an organization of old and crotchety old guys who are old and hate everybody and don't have regular bowel movements, as being "slow to make a decision" and "the time to act is now" and, this one mostly "he will lose this war with his inaction". GUILTY AS CHARGED.
Except that Mr. Bananarama has never had the benefit of a jury; isn't he *Presumed Innocent* until proven guilty?
Next, the Evil Umpire (really small strike zone guy) of the Nacilbuper Ytrap has harsh words for our hero because they didn't like what he had decided to do, although, while not very well-explained by ol' Derrick, still looked like pretty good ideas, assuming a break here or there. But NOOOOOooo, cried the Old Guys of Nacilbuper Ytrap, "that's not what he should have done" and "wouldn't it have been better if we did this" and, mostly, "he will lose this war with his actions". GUILTY AS CHARGED.
Oh, except for that minor detail of a jury, which in Derrick Bananrama's particular case, is still out over this issue and a lot of what he has done so far as the High Lord Tetrox of Lower Zimbabwe.
That's the jury of public opinion, and that leads me to the moral of this sad tale: opinions are just like assholes; everybody has one, and mostly they stink.
*The Caine Mutiny On The Bounty* (by Herman Wouk and Charles Nordhoff and James Norman Hall and Memnon, the Under Glorth of Scklorn)
The tragic and fateful tale of the actor Michael Caine, as he boards a tiny ship for an afternoon cruise through "the islands", only to discover, once out to sea, that the vessel is manned by cutthroat pirates, and that the leader of the band (good song by Dan Fogelberg), the cruel and ruthless Flipper, assisted by his First Mate Hooligan, intends to enslave all the people on board the boat and take them to his secret island in the Sargasso Sea, where they would forced, at gunpoint, to listen to Rush Limbaugh broadcasts all day long, and then call in and agree with everything that pinhead Limbaugh had said.
The thought of endless Rush (not the band, that would be great, no, the blowhard) was too much for Caine, and he begins plotting with another passenger, the brilliant but eccentric Doc (Hey, I didn't want to use "Professor", okay? That would be a little too obvious, don't you think? And I couldn't think of an analogous word for Professor. Geez.) and Doc's perky nurse, Terry Cloth, to stage a "mutiny" and take over the ship and save themselves and the other passengers from a face worse than death. (???) Oh, sorry, "fate".
Unfortunately, Flipper and his merry band of buccaneers discover the plot and kill all the passengers and drop them in the ocean and then go back to shore for a new load that they can enslave and take to their secret island in the Sargasso Sea and force to listen...okay, you get the pitcher (and I'll get the glasses).
The moral?
You're kidding, right?
I certainly hope that all these wonderful tales, these "pear-apples" (or "strawberryrutabagas") as it were, will be a help and a guide to better living through the light and loving wisdom of Johnism.
Kinda' makes you want to yark, doesn't it?
Love and best sellers,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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