Just like most churches, we here at the All John All The Time World Church occasionally have to make announcements so that the followers of the Pope can keep up with all the events and news of the AJATTWC. In no particular order, other than as they occur to me:
*Hamster Table Tennis Tournament Date Set*
The organizers of the 2nd Annual Hamster Table Tennis Tournament, Brothers Biff Kadooty and Pete Moss, have announced that anyone interested in competing this year must be registered by no later the 43rd of March, or Star Date 4552.36, at the Church office, to be guaranteed a spot in the tournament. Contestants will be divided into classes by age and weight, and will be handicapped by experience. Matches will take place in the Church Auditorium and will begin with the Lightweights Division on Tuesday, 4/85, at 6:78pm, the Middleweights on Wednesday, 4/86, at 6:78pm, the Lard As, ahh, excuse me, the Heavyweights on Thursday, 4/88, at 6:78pm and the Seniors, a/k/a The Old Farts, on Friday, 4/89, at 6:78pm. The Church will provide the hamsters and folks, just a friendly reminder: please let's not have a repeat of last year's unfortunate incident where several of the contestants, in their enthusiasm, brought over-sized (and illegal, according to the World Hamster Table Tennis Association rules) paddles and, well, we won't go into what happened again, but the ASPCA investigation into what took place is still pending. You'll also recall how long it took the get the mess in the Auditorium cleaned up. The guilty parties know who they are and have repented, so let's have a safe, and friendly, competition this year, please.
*Men's Club Meeting Next Month*
The AJATTWC Men's Club will hold their monthly meeting at the home of Brother Harlan Sanders on the 32nd of next month. The topic of discussion at the meeting will be: Vasectomies, A Viable Birth Control Method or License For Fun. Please see Brother Mike Krophone about bringing refreshments.
*Men's Club Spring Outing*
Brother Bill Collector, president of the AJATTWC Men's Club also wants to announce that the MC Bored of Elders has announced that their Annual Spring Outing this year will be to a Los Angeles Dodgers spring training game at the Dodgers' Camelback Ranch Stadium in Glendale AZ against the World Champion San Francisco Giants on Saturday, March 12th. Brother Bill said that the Bored decided to attend a spring training game this year thinking that, as shitty as the Dodgers figure to be this season, this might be the only time we could see them maybe win a game. Please contact Brother Jim Nasium for details and to register.
*Wedding Announcement-Brother Mike Stand and Sister Mary Hadalillamb*
Brother Mike Stand and Sister Mary Hadalillamb are pleased to announce that their nuptials have been set for Saturday, April 56th, at 1:234pm. The happy couple further is pleased to announce that Sister April Showers will be standing up for Sister Mary as her Maid (yeah, right, if she's a "maid" I'm a Monitor lizard) of Honor and Brother Bill Ding will be the Best Man. A reception is to be held immediately following the circus, ahh, ceremony at Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor. Brother Mike and Sister Mary are registered at Bass Pro Shop, The XXX Zone and KMart.
*Book Club Meeting*
The AJATTWC Book Worms will hold their bi-monthly meeting on the first Monday of April in the Church Meeting Room at 0:dark30. This month, the Club will discuss the new book, "Jesus Of Nazareth", by the other Pope, Benedict XVI, wherein, according to various reviews, the other Pope exonerates "the Jewish people for the death of Jesus Christ", which we think is damn big of him. In the book, "Benedict uses a biblical and theological analysis to explain why it is not true that the Jewish people as a whole were responsible for Jesus' death", which anyone who has done a little research and has a half an ounce of common sense could have told him. (FYI, the title and quotes from the book are legit; I didn't make those up, and you can learn more about this at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41866654/ns/world_news-europe/?GT1=43001.)
*TeaBags Signup*
Sister June Bugg has asked that it be announced that any of the Sisters of the AJATTWC who would like to learn more about becoming a member of the woman's political action group, The TeaBags, should contact her regarding information on meetings, dues, "lynchings" and other right-wing nonsense. Sister June also said that the group is hoping to have Sarah Palin as their guest speaker at a future meeting; Ms. Palin has already agreed to waive her normal fee in lieu a freezerful of bear meat, so its just a matter of coordinating schedules.
(Please note: the Pope and the All John All The Time World Church do not endorse any political action group or candidates, and the views and opinions of groups such as The TeaBags are strictly their own. Unless the Republicans nominate Mitt Romney, who belongs to a religion that was founded by a guy who had a "vision" of an Italian angel, ("the angel Moroni", true story), or that goofball Mike Huckabee, who still seems to think that Barack Obama was born on the Planet Zatox, and then the Pope might have a lot to say.)
*Ladies Of The AJATTWC Outing*
The Ladies of the AJATTWC will have an educational outing next month, on April 36th, and all Ladies of the Church are invited and encouraged to attend. An evening trip to Northwestern University is planned, where the group will attend a "Human Sexuality Class", which is being presented by Prof. John Michael Bailey, on the University campus. A bus will be leaving the Church at 4:09pm and there will be refreshments afterward. For more information, please go to http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41873819/ns/us_news-life/. Sister May Bee will be in charge of refreshments and asks that any of you Ladies that would like to volunteer to bring something please contact her; Sister May also asked that no dish with whipped cream be brought.
*Next Sunday's Sermon*
The topic for next Sunday's sermon will be "Am I Bewildered Or Are You?" and will focus on why fund-raising for the Church's in-house charity, The Home For The Chronically Bewildered, is so important. Please plan to attend, especially you lazy assholes that never show up any other time.
*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*
The Bored Of Elders of the Church asks that you patronize the local merchants who so willingly support our activities.
-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor
"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"
227 North Bondage Ave.
-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"
All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:
-breast augmentation
-breast lifts
-male breast ("moobs") reduction
-hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")
-facelift
-tummy tuck
-and many others
Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin
Free Limo Service with qualified procedures
(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)
Love and hymnals,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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