(The following post was supposed to have appeared on my blog on Saturday, 3/19, but somehow I screwed up and it didn't get saved when I hit the "Publish" icon, so do me a favor and pretend you're reading this on Saturday, and then pretend that the post I upload tomorrow is for Sunday, and that the one I upload for Monday...shit, never mind.)
Okay, let's have a quick time-out here; I turn my back for two minutes, and the whole world goes nuts.
I thought it was bad enough, and as the Pope Guy of the All John All The Time World Church, (and as a serious, non-professional guitar player, which is apropos of nothing but I just thought I would throw in), I'm paid to think about these things, when the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops came out with a new version of the New American Bible (called, I assume, the REALLY New American Bible) last week, to coincide with the beginning of the Lenten season, but then things got really stupid.
All right, for the bishops first: the new bible version "will offer substitutes for words such as "booty" and "holocaust" to better reflect modern understanding". That was a quote from the spokesperson for the Conference, whose name I forgot to write down and now that I can't find the original article, I'll probably never know, but whoever they were, that was their comment on some of the changes that were written into the new Bible. There were lots of others, but mostly it was cosmetic things like the "booty" change. (The editors of the REALLY New Version changed the word "booty" to "spoils of war", which was it's original meaning until the hip-hop crowd came along; however, the change made such sentences as "The Apostles stood there, silently admiring Mary's spoils of war as she passed by" tough to understand and interpret.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for updating and finding new interpretations of things, like maybe an improved version of Einstein's Theory of Relativity (E=mc2, or energy (E) equals matter (m) times the speed of light (c) squared (2)), say for example E=BMFC3BF, which would translate thusly: energy (E) equals a Big Mac (BM), fries (F) and a Coke (C), times 3 bags full (3BF); I don't think old Albert is going to mind if we improve on his Theory, and besides, Einstien is dead, so who cares what he thinks.
Okay, so the "new and improved" version of things is an acceptable way of American life, yes? I mean, not a week goes by that we aren't inundated with new (and occasionally improved) versions of things, like cell phones, cars, douche, whatever. Like I said, it's the American Way.
But not the Bible, no, I think the Bible should stay just as it has for centuries, which of course, is the biggest and most inherent problem with the Bible: its been "interpreted" and "improved" and "updated" so many times that it isn't remotely close to the original, whatever that was, and I can't begin to imagine ANYONE who belongs to a Bible-based religion having any confidence that he/she is following the Word Of God by following the tenets and dictates of this book.
But I don't want to get into a lengthy and boring dissertation on the merits and value of the Christian Bible (besides, my daughter would disown me if I did), but I couldn't let the release of the REALLY New American Bible version last week go past without comment. (When asked to comment, the Pope replied, "I can't begin to imagine ANYONE who belongs to a Bible-based religion having any confidence that he/she is following the Word Of God by following the tenets and dictates of this book.") (You just heard that someplace, right?)
So the Catholics can't leave the Bible alone, and that's bad enough, but now, now the plot really sickens. (??) According to a report from a Jennifer Viegas for Discovery News, "God had a wife, Asherah, whom the Book of Kings suggests was worshipped alongside Yahweh in his temple in Israel, according to an Oxford scholar."
Want to hear it again? According to a report from a Jennifer Viegas for Discovery News, "God had a wife, Asherah, whom the Book of Kings suggests was worshipped alongside Yahweh in his temple in Israel, according to an Oxford scholar."
Now I don't know about you, but if this report is true, (and I'll withhold judgment on that for the moment), then I think God has some explaining to do to both this Asherah person and the rest of us as well.
Who's this new "wife", anyway? The "Oxford scholar" mentioned in the quotes above is a lady named Francesca Stavrakopoulou, which I assume is Lower Zimbabweanian, and it was through her research that this startling new discovery was made. "Stavrakopoulou bases her theory on ancient texts, amulets and figurines unearthed primarily in the ancient Canaanite coastal city called Ugarit, now modern-day Syria. All of these artifacts reveal that Asherah was a powerful fertility goddess." And apparently Mrs. Creator Of The Universe as well; Ms. Stavrakopoulou goes on to say that what is also significant "is the Bible's admission that the goddess Asherah was worshiped in Yahweh's Temple in Jerusalem. In the Book of Kings, we're told that a statue of Asherah was housed in the temple and that female temple personnel wove ritual textiles for her." And when was the last time someone wove ritual textiles for you, huh?
Okay, so if this Asherah woman was Mrs. COTU, then what was all this stuff about Jesus' being born of "a virgin named Mary"? Yeah, she was "a virgin" (do you think Joseph ever bought into that story?) but even with her "maidenhead" intact, God still had a "hand" in the whole thing, right? So, why Mary? Where was this Asherah person when the Mother Of God applications were being submitted? Why was Mary chosen over Asherah to be the MOG?
Can't you hear the conversation between God and Asherah, especially if God is a typical, weasely male dirtbag?
A: "What do you mean she's going to be the mother of your baby? What the hell is that all about?"
G: "Well, she's going to be like, ahh, an auxiliary wife, you know, like a "subordinate" wife to you, but you'll still be the "main" wife in charge, believe me".
A: "'Main wife in charge'? What the hell is that? All those 'I have to go and create a new world, I'll be gone for a few millennium, see you soon, don't forget to get the oil changed in the car' trips you took, all the times I had to make sure the Israelite's crops were okay so the stupid fucks wouldn't starve, trying to grow wheat in a desert, your chosen people, what a joke, all the years I worked as a fertility god to put you through "God University", when we had nothing but the clothes on our backs and that dumb Bible of yours that never stays the same, now, now you want to TRADE ME IN ON A NEW MODEL, YOU ASSHOLE?? AND YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY WITH THIS SLUT??
***(Okay, note to all the Christian folks reading this: I don't think Mary was a "slut", although the jury is still out on Mary Magdalene; the above is just my attempt at recreating, in a humorous way, part of the imaginary conversation that might have taken place between God and this Asherah person, under these circumstances. Please do not denounce me to your congregations, please don't burn me in effigy, or anywhere else for that matter, and please try to maintain a sense of humor here, and not act like a bunch of crazed zealots. And how many times have you written a sentence with two words in a row that contain the letter "z"? Pretty slick, huh? And I didn't even do it on purpose.)***
G: "Asherah, nothing will get accomplished by screaming, just calm down..."
A: "CALM DOWN? YOU COME HOME WITH THIS 'I'VE GOT A BIT OF A SURPRISE FOR YOU' BULLSHIT AND YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN?? Wait a minute," she said, as she eyed him suspiciously, "is this baby going to be that Messiah you keep promising everyone? Is that what's going on here?"
G: "Well, yeah, the baby would be, you know, the Messiah, but that's just..."
A: "Oh, so now I'm not good enough to be the mother of the Messiah, is that it? All these years of putting up with your crap and I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE THE MOTHER OF THE MESSIAH?? YOU ASSHOLE!"
Since conversations of this type rarely accomplish anything, other than to reveal what a douche-bag the man is, I'll stop the narrative here; suffice it to say that God, despite being the COTU and the Main Guy, didn't win the argument. (What guy ever does?)
But the most telling remark for me about the existence of a wife for God came from a J. Edward Wright, who is president of both the Arizona Center for Judaic Studies and the Albright Institute for Archaeological Research. When asked about the report regarding Asherah, Mr. Wright had this to say: "Asherah was not entirely edited out of the Bible by its male editors...", implying that they tried, a charge that has been leveled at the Bible for centuries by Biblical scholars.
So let me see if I have this straight: not only is God a racist (he made the Jews his "chosen people", and basically said screw the rest of you), but now he's also married, is a bit of a revisionist and a chauvinist (His "editors" keep changing His "Word" and apparently tried to keep women out of the Bible entirely), and may be a bit of a philanderer as well.
You know, after all that, I can't wait to hear about the new version of the Torah that's being planned.
Love and epistles,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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