Giddy Up, Pick Up Truck

You know, it's getting ridiculous; I can't find a cool ride that I can buy and turn into my Popemobile.

Now your Pope (that would be me, Pope John The Tall, (and devastatingly handsome), of the All John All The Time World Church) doesn't like to be a complainer, like for example the way my ex- was; it was always something, why didn't I make more money, could I please take the garbage out, was I going to play gerbil golf with my buddies AGAIN, could I please feed the platypus, yada-yada-yada, ad infinitum (don't you love that Latin stuff; all us Pope guys use it). Boy, you know? (I recently found out that someone dropped a house on her sister; "...I'll get you, my pretty...")

So pardon me all to hell if I sound like a wiener, err, whiner here, but every time I come up with a really awesome car that I would like to have as my official Popemobile, its a vehicle that isn't in production yet. Sure, I could opt for an Altima or a Prius, or some other nondescript ho-hum boxey-looking thing like 8 gazillion other people have, but, hey, I'm the Pope, what about image, huh? Don't tell me that this "Religion" business isn't just like the "Washington" business or the "Hollywood" business. (By applause, how many of you watched the Oscar Show last night? No, you doofuses, not the "Odd Couple", that was Oscar and Felix, I mean the Academy Awards Show? Okay, how many of you thought Anne Hathaway was totally hot, all throughout the show? How many of you thought that Oprah Winfrey looked like she got her gown from Omar the Tent Maker? How many of you think that asking a woman "Who are you wearing?" sounds vaguely obscene somehow? How many of you don't give a shit? How many of you thought I should have gotten an Oscar for "Best Male In A Leading Role As A Pope?)

So if it's all about image (perception) then the Pope has to have a cool ride for his official vehicle, right? Okay, so some time back, I made my first choice: a Porsche 918 Spyder; great car, lots of horses, cool, but NOOOOO, Porsche isn't making the 918 Spyder yet.

Then I saw the Ferrari 599XX, which is WAY cool; same thing, not yet. Okay, how about the Porsche 918 RSR; yep, you guessed it, not for awhile. At this point, I'm thinking, what's wrong with this picture? Isn't some manufacturer out there making a balls-to-the-wall screamer that I can adopt as my own that fits my image as the leader of the AJATTWC?

So I thought I would give it one last try (see the above picture); whatta' ya think, will that work? Now I'm not a big Jaguar fan, but that beauty is a Jaguar C-X75; kinda' makes your tongue hard, doesn't it? (God, that was crude.) (God: "Yes, Pope, that was very crude, you dirt-bag.")

So I started checking into this little joyride, thinking, hey, so I'm not a Jaguar fan, who cares, that's a great looking car, this is the kind of car that makes you look good even if you're sitting in it parked at the curb. And it's an ELECTRIC car, so it's "green", which will make the Pope look good to the environmentalists as well. (FOUR 195-horse electric motors for 0-60 in 3.4 seconds.) Yes, this will definitely work. Even the Harley Dog, the official canine of the Pope, likes it. (Actually, HD is pretty much a typical dog when it comes to cars; if the windows go down and he can have his head out, he's cool. I used to love the looks we'd get from other drivers when we would tool down the street in my 2000 Toyota MR2 with the top down and him sitting in the passenger's seat next to me; he's too big to lie down, so there he would sit, looking like the ugliest girlfriend in the whole world. Talk about a "dog".)

But guess what, oh faithful followers? You got it: the C-X75 is a CONCEPT car and won't be in production for some time. If ever. Shit.

So I finally gave up and decided I'd just get a really nice pickup truck and get around in that (I'll bet you don't know what Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys was saying in the line that comes after "...I get around, 'round the town..."? It was "...I'm a real cool head, I'm making real good bread...". True. I asked him. The other misconception about that song is the second line of the opening verse; here's how it really goes: "I'm gettin' bugged drivin' up and down the same ol' strip, I gotta' find me a girl with real big...four barrel carburetors, I get around...") Okay, so it's a PU, so now all I have to do is decide what kind: Chevy, Ford, Edsel, Dodge Ram, Hupmobile, Toyota, there's lots of choices, so I'm going to have to think about this for a while.

Hang on, the Popephone is ringing...JTT...hey, Mike...where'd you see that?...how's that going to reflect on me?...c'mon...you think so?...(big sigh)...okay, send me the link and I'll look at it...yeah...hamster table tennis later, right?...yeah...you too.

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one that owns the Charlotte Bobcats); he was telling me about an article he saw online that he's afraid might cast pick-up owners in a bad light. (There's that "image" thing again.)

Okay, here's the link now: "Man Cited In Naked Joyride". (???)

According to the article he saw on the Omaha Channel (you knew Omaha had its own channel, right?), a Lincoln County NE sheriff's deputy recently responded to reports of a "suspicious pick-up truck" and when he stopped the vehicle in question, found four adults in the cab...all in the nude. (Their clothes were in the bed of the truck). According to the officers' report, when he questioned the driver, a Nickolus Borgman, (guy can't even spell his first name correctly) who was accompanied by another man and two women, as to what they were doing, his response was "I think we're gettin' in trouble". According to officials, there is no law in Nebraska against driving in the nude, as long as no one else objects, (I assume that means other drivers) so the four were not cited for that. However, the officer who stopped the vehicle placed Borgman under arrest for DUI, having open liquor in his vehicle, not using a seatbelt (it probably chafed) and...(I love this one) ...having too many people in the front seat. (As well as having more than two naked people in a car at the same time, which I suspect is an offense in some state somewhere.)

All right, I give up, the hell with the pick-up; I just Goggled Schwinn. They've got a "World 21" that looks like it might work, and it's less than 500 bucks (which is 836 gallbladders in El Salvador, and if you don't understand that, see my post from 2/16 for an explanation).

Anybody got a '29 Hupmobile they can let me use for a few weeks?

Love and fuel injectors,

PJTT

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