I figure it this way; if the Roman Catholics can have bingo, the All John All The Time World Church can have contests. Yes?
Now I tried to have a raffle for the Church back in February; in fact, on the 12th I announced a Win A Hot Ride From The Popester contest, but I had to quickly change that to Win A Toaster From The Popester (which is a lot funnier) when it became apparent that the two factories that would have to donate the proposed prizes, a Ferrari 599XX and a Porsche 918 RSR, were unable to do so because both vehicles are prototypes and not available to the public yet. So we went with a multi-slice toaster from Best Buy as an alternative. (Hey, I did my best.)
So based on the overwhelming response we received to the "WATFTP" contest (all four of you), I've decided to sponsor another contest, and this one is a doozey.
Ready?
"Win A Weekend With The Pope Guy".
That's right, gridiron fans, the AJATTWC is officially announcing today, 3/27/11, that starting tomorrow, 3/28/11, we will begin accepting entries for the WAWWTPG contest, and here's all you have to do to enter and potentially win a dream weekend with the Popearama.
Ladies, write an essay, in 100 words or less, about why, and how, you would like to spend a weekend with your favorite Pope person, keeping in mind that you have to pay for it.
Gentleman, write an essay, in 100 words or less, on why guys are such sleazy, sports-addicted, addle-brained, stare-at-the-front-of-a-woman's-shirt dirtbags. (Please note: none of your essays will be entered into the contest competition, for the obvious reason; I'm not spending a weekend with another guy, unless its Bill Gates, and then only so I can bop him on the head and steal a shitload of his money. But I wanted to be fair and democratic, just like our President, and give everyone a chance to enter, even if I don't use the entries from the males of our species. That's assuming we're all from the same species, which could be debated.)
Now let me expand a little on the "you have to pay for it" part of the contest; being Pope of the AJATTWC doesn't mean a $250K annual salary, plus stock options, a 401k and benefits. In fact, if there is any benefit to being the Pope, its strictly name recognition, which might get you a better table in a restaurant, but other than that, not so much. What I'm trying to say is that, well, I'm broke, so if you're going to spend a weekend with your favorite Pope Dude, bring your Visa, because if it took a nickel to poop, I'd have to throw-up. I'm so broke I can't even afford to pay attention.
Not that I'm looking for sympathy or anything like that; hey, there's lots of folks out there these days who are every bit as broke as I am, and maybe a lot worse. And me and Bill Clinton can feel their pain. (Actually, every time I see Bill Clinton's stupid face in the media, he looks too juiced or stoned to feel much of anything. Are he and Hillary still together?) But I can empathize with how bad things have gotten for a lot of working people in this country over the last few years, myself included. Yeah, a lot of this "recession" mess was our own fault, but a lot of it wasn't, and that's what makes it so hard to swallow for most of us. I'm a huge believer in the free-market, free-enterprise system, but when 1% of the populace controls over 80% of the wealth in a country, some things need to re-examined. But that's another subject all together.
So, ladies, if you would like the pleasure of the your Pope Guy's company for an entire weekend, including whatever candle-lit dinners, afternoons spent in charming little bazaars in Marrekesh, gondola rides through the canals of Venice or an evening at the Palais Garnier, (the home of the Paris Opera) after a day of roaming around the Lourve, for which you want to pick up the tab, then lay it all out in 100 words or less and the Harley Dog and I will go over them (I'll read them to HD) and decide the winner in a few weeks. (Bribes will be cheerfully accepted.)
And don't be bashful: tell the Pope your most intimate fantasies about His Popeness and his tall hat in your entry. Don't be afraid to bare your soul (or your body for that matter) to achieve that pinochle of romance, two nights and three days with PJTT, the Popemeister.
Be still, my beating heart.
You can send your entries to: popejohnthetall@hotmail.com
Pictures of entrants are encouraged, and photos of questionable taste or content are vigorously encouraged. (All pictures of "dogs" will be given to Harley for disposition.) Please be specific with your "weekend plans" for yourself and the Pope Dude, including details of places, events, shooting of porn videos, transportation, media coverage and any other specifics that you feel will enhance your opportunity to win the BIG prize. In the event of a tie, both entrants will be awarded a separate weekend to spend with His Popeness, unless the entrants are amicable to a "threesome", which in French is known as a "pied-a-terre". (No, its not.) (I've never done a "three-way", unless you count both of my hands. Mostly I've been content with a cornet, a Die Hard battery, two eberts and a 55 gallon drum of Vaseline. Not in that order.)
Okay, girls, time to get the old word processor fired up and start cranking out those contest entries. There is no limit to the amount of times you can enter, so, like in the City of Chicago municipal elections, vote early and vote often. (Here's a "contest tip" for those of you who are REALLY serious about winning: a bra size of over 38DD is an immediate 10 point bonus for your entry; you also must have a current pic to "support" your claim, pardon the pun.)
I like this one; it's WAY better than giving away a car or a toaster.
Love and the lotto,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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