California Rules Of The Road

Well, here we are, back in sunny Southern California, the home of palm trees, citrus groves and more idiot celebs than you can shake a Chihuahua at.

"We" in the above paragraph would be me, your favorite Pope, and the "official" canine of the All John All The Time World Church, the Harley Dog, back from our missionary trip to assist the citizens of Savannah GA in their fight against rampant addiction to pastries (see my post from 3/3 for that story). Only time will tell how successful we were in our efforts, but the cargo hold of the SS Dee Dee, the "official" yacht of your Pope Guy, was filled to the gunwales with Girl Scout Thin Mint and Thanks-A-Lot cookies when we got back, so that should tell you how much success we enjoyed with the Savannahianians. Oh well...(big sigh of resignation here).

(FYI, a "gunwale" is an armed cetacean.)

After we docked at San Pedro (for those of you who don't speak Lower Zimbabwean, "San Pedro" means "without Peter" or, in some regions of that country, "I love you more than barnacles"), where we keep the Dee Dee moored when we're not using her, we jumped into the temporary Popemobile, my 2000 Toyota MR2, and headed north for our home in the sunny with some cloud cover San Fernando Valley, commonly known here in LA (pronounced LAH) as, how clever, "the Valley". We made the trip up the infamous 405 Freeway at the speed of erosion, but we arrived safely, and that's what counts, I guess.

Now I referred to the Mister Two as the "temporary" Popemobile, because, as many of you are aware, I've been engaged in a search recently for a newer, more-fitting-to-my-image-as-the-leader-of-a-major-religion vehicle to name as my "official" Popemobile. As you're also probably aware, I haven't had much success (see my post from 3/2 for that story). I've decided to let my faithful followers assist me in my search with suggestions, but more on that in a moment.

As we were driving north, I was reminded, as I am every #&*@% (those are naughty word symbols, in case you had never seen that particular literary device) time I get behind the wheel of the Two and drive the highways and byways of Southern California, that there are a number of traffic rules, Rules Of The Road if you will, that I suspect are substantially different here than anywhere else in the Universe (although we've never done a comparison with the rules governing traffic on the planet Romulak, so we can't say that with complete assurance.) (How'd you like that editorial "we" in the last sentence? Pretty spiffy, huh?) Since, as your Popester, and as such a spiritual and moral beacon to so many of my flock, I feel a duty to enlighten and edify you at every opportunity, and since some of you may have the occasion to drive here in SoCal sometime in the future, let me delineate and explain some of our more arcane traffic laws to you.

*The Assumed Right Turn On Red Rule*

            This rule is a refinement of the law allowing drivers to make a right turn on red at a stoplight AFTER making a full stop. Apparently this full stop shit became too much of a nuisance to the douche-bags here in CA, so the law was amended to allow any driver in any auto to just ASSUME there's nothing coming from the left and proceed to make their right turn without looking when they pull up to a stoplight. A further refinement of this law was to allow drivers to not only make the assumed right turn on red, but to then, immediately after completing their turn right in front of you, drop their speed down to 15 MPH, while looking all around for a place to park.

*The Luxury Car Rule*

            This rule states that any driver operating any vehicle that can be construed as a "luxury" vehicle, such as, but not limited to, a Mercedes Benz, BMW, Lexus, Infinity, Volvo, Cadillac, Acura, those hideous effin' Hummers, Rolls Royce, Bentley, etc., due to the fact that, since said driver is obviously so superior to any mere mortal driving, say, a Chevy or Toyota, that said driver of the aforementioned "luxury" vehicle may at his/her discretion, ignore any and all other State of California Rules Of The Road.

 *The Its Okay To Drive 60 MPH In The Left Hand Lane Of The Freeway Rule"

            The IOTD60MITLHLOTF rule states that any inconsiderate asshole, who decides that he/she just doesn't need to give a shit about anybody else on the planet, let alone the poor guy immediately behind them, may choose at any time they deem it appropriate, to drive along at 60 MPH in the far left hand lane of any freeway, thereby making it impossible to be passed safely and/or tying up traffic for miles behind them. Typically, but by no means always, the persons who choose to implement the IOTD60MITLHLOTF are either elderly, or of Oriental or Middle Eastern descent, and I don't give a lusty crap how racist that sounds, it's the truth.

*The I Can Use My Cell Phone Any Time I Want Rule*

            Although it is the law in California that the only cell phones that can be used legally while operating a motor vehicle are "hands-free" devices, ICUMCPATIW superseded that rule and states that any thoughtless jerk who so chooses can stick his hand-held cell phone in his ear at his/her discretion and yak away at will, and since these conversations are always of the utmost importance ("...so what did you guys do last night...?"), said driver may ignore any and all other Rules Of The Road. (Shortly after the law banning the use of hand-held cell phones while operating a motor vehicle was passed, Maria Shriver, the wife of the then Governator of our state, Arnold Schwarzenhooten, and big-whoop "celeb" in her own right, was photographed with a hand-held phone stuck in her ear while driving in her Range Rover along the Pacific Coast Highway in Pacific Palisades, where she and her brain-dead hubbie make their home, thus invoking the "Luxury Car Rule" and the "I Can Use My Cell Phone Any Time I Want Rule" simultaneously. She could have gone for a hat-trick and been doing 60 in the left hand lane of the freeway, thus invoking the "IOTD60MITLHLOTF Rule" also, but the PCH is just a four-lane normal highway, so she missed on that one.)

*The I'm "Green" So I Can Ride My Bike Anywhere I Want Rule*

            This rule allows all the inconsiderate douche-bags that ride bicycles while outfitted with helmet, multi-colored shirts and those stupid looking bike shorts with the padding in the butt that makes them look like they have a load in their pants to act as if they're just like a car and ride anywhere they please, including getting into the left-hand turn lane at a stoplight and waiting for oncoming traffic to clear before proceeding to make their left turn, which of course slows traffic behind them down to a crawl because to the length of time it takes them to make their turn. Since they typically need a HUGE gap in oncoming traffic to make said left turn, this can often be a three or four redlight wait. These assholes also are allowed to occupy a full lane of the street to peddle along on, thus requiring other drivers to pass them, often without the benefit of another lane to the left, if said driver wants to go more than 15 MPH.

*The Privileged Celeb Rule*

            This rule is similar in effect to the Luxury Car Rule, in which the driver of any vehicle who is considered a "celeb" or who is accompanied in said vehicle by any so-called "celeb" is free to ignore any and all traffic laws that the rest of us "commoners" must obey.

I hope that be pointing out and explaining these arcane and unusual Rules Of The Road of the Golden Bear State, it will assist any of the faithful of the AJATTWC when driving here. And even if it doesn't, I feel better having gotten it off my chest.

Okay, one last thing before I quit: as of today, 3/5/11, I'm soliciting suggestions from my followers as to what vehicle I should choose as my "official" Popemobile. If you have an idea for a car that would be suitable, please let me know by leaving a comment in the section provided below. Here are the parameters (which are much longer than a kilometer):

            1) the car must fit my "image" as your Pope Guy; no Yugos or Pintos, okay?

            2) it must be a car currently in production by some manufacturer somewhere in the world. That's been the problem; everything I like isn't being made yet.

            3) the suggested car must be available in red (I'm partial to red).

I will leave you with a bit of wisdom from the philosopher Confucious, who once said that most men can eat, sleep and have sex in any vehicle they own, and often all at the same time.

Love and stop signs,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.