WELCOME TO THE BLOG OF POPE JOHN THE TALL, LEADER OF THE ALL JOHN ALL THE TIME WORLD CHURCH


******PLEASE NOTE******

(Notice I said please.)

To those of you who are new to "the Pope" and the "AJATTWC", the following various posts are the official communications of yours truly, Pope John The Tall, or as I'm known in many circles, PJTT.

I aspired to the position of Pope of the AJATTWC several years ago, after the Roman Catholics elected Joseph Ratzinger, a German Cardinal, as their Pope; I figured if he could do it, so could I.

Despite what would seem to be a "religious" theme, I try not to play favorites: I'm satirical/irreverent about everything, in an attempt to give my readers a few yucks; that is the goal. If I haven't made you laugh, well, I tried, and I hope I'm given an "A" for the effort. (Or at least a really solid "C".)

I further hope that my faithful readers (all several of them) and any of you who wander in from the cold of the Internet, will derive much solace and spiritual awakening from my timeless prose, and, as I so often refer to it, the "soothing balm of Johnism"; if you don't, how sad for you, because I'm a pretty funny guy. (My daughter tells me, regularly, that I'm "silly"; I suspect that she's right.)

Please note that everything on my blog is meant to be fun, and in no way insulting to anyone, unless of course you're a politician, then you can assume I intended to insult you. (Hey, it goes with the job, guys; if you can't take the heat, then the harder they fall.)

Never mind.

Anyway, welcome and thanks for stopping by; please feel free to peruse to your heart's content (there is a large archive of my past posts, going back several hundred years, in the right-hand column), and please be sure to make a large donation at the door as you leave. (It's tax-deductible.)

Speaking of leaving, as I make my exit, and probably none too soon, here's something from the Book of Excretions, Apollo 13: Dodgers 6...

"Blessed are the lazy, for although they don't accomplish much, they're well rested."

Enjoy. (Or don't, it's still a free country. It is still a free country, isn't it? They haven't changed that as far as I know, have they?)





Tuesday, March 1, 2011

From The Department Of Departments


I, your ever diligent Pope Guy, continually check in with my department heads here at the All John All The Time World Church, to keep abreast (or two) of news and "factoids" of information of which I, as your spiritual leader, feel you should be aware. With your kind permission, I will share a few of them with you (please prepare yourself to be edified):

From the I Refuse To Take Aim At A Target That Easy-taking a moment to be serious, a very rare occasion indeed: I have, over the past several weeks, taken a number of verbal potshots at the actor Charlie Sheen, for his a) obvious unwillingness to do anything realistic about his admitted substance-abuse problem, b) for some of his unbelievably inane remarks about the producer of his hit TV show "Two And A Half Men", c) his equally inane advise to both the UCLA Men's basketball team about staying clean as well as his offer to help fellow dumbshit actor Lindsay Lohan with her substance-abuse problems and mostly d) his seeming disregard for all the employees of "TAAHM" that he has put out of work with his nonsense, for which I called him a "douche-bag", which he is.

But after his latest rant directed at show producer Charles Lorre several days ago, which was not only mostly incoherent, as is a great deal of what Mr. Sheen says these days, but also vaguely anti-Semitic, I have decided to halt all criticism of Mr. Sheen for three reasons: 1) his situation has gotten beyond funny; it's become sad; 2) even if I thought for a nanosecond that Mr. Sheen is aware of my critical remarks, which I'm absolutely sure he isn't, I'm equally sure he couldn't give a rat's ass less anyway and 3) it's just too easy.

I quit, Charlie, screw up all you want; I promise I won't say anything else. But you're still a douche-bag.

From the FYI Department-the word "potshots", which was used in the second paragraph (above), does not describe plays in basketball involving marijuana.

From the How Tacky Can You Get Department-there was a report on MSN.com recently that, after taking a poll of movie-watchers throughout the country, a public-opinion group has determined that the most "paused" scene in movie history is the one in the movie "Basic Instinct", which you will recall stars Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone, where Ms. Stone, wearing an extremely short skirt and sitting across the room in a chair from a group of police detectives that are interrogating her at the time, crosses her legs in a way that makes it clear to the viewer that the only thing Ms. Stone doesn't have open is an account with Victoria's Secret.

From the What's Wrong With This Picture Department-in their Sunday, 2/27/11 edition, the Los Angeles Times ran a photograph of snow (SNOW) that had fallen the previous evening on the streets of Burbank CA, which is approximately 5 miles east as a crow flies, assuming he hasn't frozen his tail feathers off, from the headquarters of the AJATTWC; that further, it was THIRTY-SEVEN DEGREES this morning when the official canine of the Pope, the Harley Dog, and I went out at 6:35am so that HD could relief himself. I realize that, in terms of winter in, say, the Midwest, this doesn't qualify as an Arctic blizzard, but for Southern California, this is ridiculous. Shit.

From the Its Good To Know I'm Not The Only One That Sees These Things Department-also from the pages of the L.A. Times, I will now quote, in it's entirety, a letter that was run in the Opinion section of the paper's 2/26/11 edition, as a follow-up to my post of 2/28 (yeah, I write them a few days in advance, its not a time-warp). To wit:
                       
DANGER CALLING
Re “Phones trigger brain
activity in study,” Feb. 23

A new study says that
the use of cellphones affects
the brain. Well, let’s
see: People become oblivious
to all around them, and
rude and isolated, while
they turn into zombies.
They speak loudly without
any regard for the rest of us
who are subjected against
our will to their conversational
nonsense. They are
completely unaware of
everything.
For this they need a
study? I think not.
Frances Terrell
Lippman
Sherman Oaks

Thank you, Ms. Lippman.

From the I Knew There Was Something Suspicious About Those Kids Department- in another follow-up story to one of my posts (2/27/11) about the evils of Girl Scout cookies, it was reported that a police officer in Villa Rica GA approached a group of Girl Scouts who were selling the insidious treats at a stand in a mall and asked to see their "peddler's permit"; when they were unable to produce said permit, they were told to shut down, and the troop leader later commented that the younger girls seemed to believe that they were "going to jail" for their transgression. Both the mayor and police chief of Villa Rica spoke to the officer involved, according to the report, and while claiming that he had done nothing wrong (like the Nazis in WWII Germany, he was merely following orders apparently), the Scouts were allowed to reopen their stand and were given a pizza party, compliments of the city, as compensation. Fortunately for the officer, the Penal Code of the State of Georgia does not have "minimum level of IQ" statute, so he won't be fired from his job. (I would have made the asshole buy 100 boxes of Samoas, and then force him to eat them all in one sitting with no milk.)

From the If They Had Any Brains They Wouldn't Be Criminals Department-a burglar entered the home of a Washington D.C. family and stole clothing and cash from the family's teenage son, and before leaving the premises, posted a picture of himself wearing the son's new coat and holding several hundred dollars of the boy's savings on the young man's Facebook page. The father of the boy, a Washington lawyer, turned the photo over to local police, who identified the burglar from previous mug shots, and went to his home and arrested him on charges of burglary, breaking and entering, trespass and gross stupidity.

Further from the If They Had Any Brains They Wouldn't Be Criminals Department-a man was arrested by police in Chickasha OK recently for attempting to steal a chainsaw from a local lawn and garden store; the man was observed by store employees leaving the premises with said chainsaw shoved down the front of his pants. Police were called and the man was apprehended after a brief chase, subsequent to which one of the arresting officers remarked on how easy the capture had been due to the awkward way the thief ran with the merchandise in his pants. The officer further commented that the man spoke in a "very high-pitched voice" upon apprehension.

From the Cutting Down On The Carbs Diet Department-according to Time Newsfeed, a new era of a much slimmer Mr. Potato Head doll was recently introduced by the toy's manufacturer, Hasbro, and that the new doll is now wearing pants, something that, apparently due to what a fat ass the doll had been previously, had not be the case with earlier versions of the toy. Although the Mrs. Potato Head doll is also sporting a new trimmer figure as well, there was no report on any new clothing for her. Speculation in the report was that this was a response to First Lady Michelle Obama's ongoing program to fight obesity in America and her emphasis on a proper diet for children. Unfortunately, Mrs. PH was arrested shortly after leaving the International Toy Fair, where the new dolls were introduced, for public nudity.

From the Do You Need A PHD To Know This? Department-in a report describing a study that was conducted by several scientists on the mating habits of "pygmy chimpanzees", also known as "bonobos", the author of the report, a Charles Choi, explained that the study showed that bonobos had some unusual traits in their sexual behavior, which included promiscuity, homosexuality and loud cries during sex, which were referred to as "copulation calls" that the scientists felt were somehow tied to the chimps attempt at advertising how successful they were at mating; the report went on to state that the female bonobos "give out these calls even when having sex with other females, whom they cannot have offspring with." It is the Pope's fervent hope that, while being guilty, at minimum, of poor grammar (WITH WHOM, you putz), it was the author of the report, Mr. Choi, who arrived at this conclusion, which was startling in its obviousness, and not one of the PHDs that conducted the study.

And from the How Ironic Is That Department-President Obama announced the appointment of Mr. Jeremy Bernard to the post of White House Social Secretary last week, and commented that Mr. Bernard, a long-time resident of Los Angeles and an activist in many gay and lesbian causes, was the first "openly gay person" to be named to the post. Previously, the position of WH Social Secretary, which is responsible for, among other things, "event planning", was held by various women.

Now before I continue, let me make one thing perfectly clear (isn't it fitting I should sound like Richard Nixon when discussing the White House?): I am a supporter of same-sex marriage, and a believer in equal rights in all aspects of life for all GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender) folks; I am repulsed by discrimination of any type. And I intend no slight to Mr. Bernard; from reading about his background, he sounds like a fine and well-qualified individual.

But I don't care what your sexual orientation or point of view is, you can't help but be amused by the obvious irony, at least to me anyway, of naming a gay man to the post of "event-planning" White House Social Secretary.

And from our Great Quotes Department-
            "Remember, this is America, the land where nothing ever gets done but lots of people debate on how to do it."
            Pope John The Tall (2011)

Thank you, oh loyal followers, for allowing me to run on so long; your patience, and your stamina, will surely be rewarded in Heaven.

Or in Cleveland, depending on what you believe about the afterlife.

Love and useless information,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

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