I'd like to take a few moments today and point out some various and little known facts that may be of interest, or of some value, to you, the loyal followers of the All John All The Time World Church and me, your Pope Dude.
This information, in a few instances, is very esoteric, and possibly uninteresting to some of you, but you don't think for a moment that inapplicability is enough to stop me, do you? Mere irrelevance will never be a deterrent to my ongoing stream of silliness. Remember, your Popemeister has internal dictates to which he must respond.
Did you know-
-that the word for cetacean vomit is "ambergris'? That's right, party-goers, the formal word for whale puke is ambergris. I learned this interesting tidbit many years ago when, so help me, cross my heart, I stumbled onto a record album (do you remember albums? For those of you who don't, they were 12" round black discs made of vinyl with grooves in them that somehow, as if by magic, contained music. I've always thought they resemble anorexic Frisbees) by a rock band of that name: Ambergris. If memory serves, I'm fairly certain they actually explained on the album cover what the word meant, pretty much ensuring that nobody was likely to buy the album without being totally grossed out. Since I found the disc in a "remainder" bin, for the whopping price of $.99 (just like the store of the same name, you know, 99 Cents), you have to think there's merit to my argument. Or maybe the album, and the band, just sucked, which is probably more likely.
-that a computer keyboard does NOT have a "cents" sign, you know, like a dollar sign. I just learned that fact a few moments ago when I tried to type "99 (cent sign) Store" (see above) and had to type the word "cents" because I couldn't find the cent sign. I've got ^ and ~ and > and some others I hardly ever use, but no cent sign, at least, not on my keyboard. I swear, I never noticed that before.
-that as far back as the 1850s (EIGHTEEN, not nineteen) some scientist/inventor had the original, basic idea for the computer. Apparently, the only thing that stopped him from producing and marketing his idea besides some essentials like electricity, vacuum tubes, the silicon chip, plastic and a bunch of other high-tech sounding shit was his inability to come up with a really cute logo, like the little apple with the bite out of it that appears on the Macintosh machines. I forget where I read this, but it's probably a vicious lie, much like the libelous rumors that are currently being circulated about myself and several of the original Seven Dwarves. (There is absolutely no truth to that rumor whatsoever; maybe Snow White, she was pretty hot, but never the Dwarves. Well, maybe Sleazy.) (Okay, now some of you have got to be thinking, "Was Sleazy one of the...?")
-that the monetary unit in El Salvador is the "colon"? Yeah, and you always thought that the colon was the part of the large intestines that extends the cecum to the rectum. (Rectum hell, damn near killed him. That's the punch line to an old joke that I cannot remember the setup to.) So, if the slang term here in America for dollars, among others, is "bucks", what's the slang expression in El Salvador for colons, "gall-bladders"?
-that my Dad, due to having suffered a fairly severe hernia, had to have his left testicle removed, back when he was in his mid-50s, and that I always referred to him after that as "One-Ball Bill", which was kinda' dumb, considering his name was Ezekial. I'm not sure how my mother reacted to this, or if she even noticed.
-that "colon" backwards is "noloc"? And that "mutorcs" backwards is "scrotum"? And that "scrotum" backwards is probably really painful.
-that you shouldn't use a seven-iron when hitting gerbils off your second floor balcony, that you should really either a) use a five-iron or b) move to the third floor balcony? And please, gerbil-golfers, always yell "Fore" before striking your gerbil, to warn any unsuspecting persons walking below.
-that the ebert is a...okay, you guys know that one, don't you?
-that "syrup" backwards is "purys"? And that "embargo" backwards is "ograbme"?
-that some lady in Massachusetts recently gave birth to a 13 pound baby? Yes, children, you read that correctly, THIRTEEN pounds. And the article I read about this indicated that the size of the child at birth came as a surprise to the woman. Now, being a typical male pig sleazebag, not to mention the Popester, I have no concept whatsoever about what a woman goes through when she's pregnant and when she gives birth, but I still have to believe that, if you're expecting a baby, and said baby has grown inside you for the normal nine-month gestation period common to humans, and that said baby weighs THIRTEEN (Holy Bathroom Scales, Batman) pounds when its born, that somewhere along the line, prior to it's birth, you must have had an inkling that your unborn child was going to be the size of a '57 Buick Roadmaster when it arrived. I mean, if she had been pulled over by the Highway Patrol a week before she delivered, the cops probably would have made her go through the truck scale. Geez, how could that have been a surprise? I bet they had to use a forklift to get her on up on the table to deliver the little monster.
-that since the Chicago Cubs last won the World Series, the following events have taken place: manned flight, manned space flight, two World Wars, the invention of the radio, television, computers, telephones, White Castle hamburgers, automobiles, vacuum tubes, vacuum cleaners, electricity and electric light bulbs, bikinis, thong bikinis (and a big ten-4 to the inventor of the thong; there must be a special place in Heaven for someone of your courage and vision) and a whole other plethora of shit that I can't think of right now. NINETEEN OH EIGHT, or ONE HUNDRED AND THREE YEARS ago as the crow flies. (If you look in a dictionary for the definition of "futile", there's a picture of Wrigley Field, which is the home of the Cubs, next to the word.
-that I was in my late 20s before I learned to spell the word "February" correctly; coincidentally or not, I was 22 before I reached pooberty. (I'm thinking there's a connection there somehow.)
-that Lindsay Lohan is NOT, contrary to popular belief, an alien from the planet Xanthous in the Hoolar Nebulae, but that she, and her goofy father, have to be two of the dumbest human beings ever to draw breath, and that a bill was introduced recently in the CA Legislature (commonly known in CA as the Home Of The Room Temperature IQ) calling for the immediate sterilization of Ms. Lohan, as a preventive measure to her becoming pregnant and propagating the world with any more stupid Lohans. (According to persons who follow the CA legislature closely, the bill is expected to pass.)
-that your Pope has written enough for one day, and that he is tired and is now going to go take a nap. (I just flew in from El Salvador in the RU Kidding, my rocket powered space ship, where I spent a ton of gall-bladders on a new seven-iron.)
Love and WikiPedia,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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