The Eight Dwarves

(Hey, faithful followers, how they hangin'? Your favorite Pope Guy (me) decided to rerun an essay I wrote back on April 21st of this year, which was all about the eight major (at that time) contenders for the Republican Party Presidential nomination. After yesterday's fiasco by Presidential wannabe and expert in American History, Sarah Plain And Loud, I thought another run at "The Eight Dwarves" was warranted. Buckle up, kids, it may get ugly.)

Happy Thursday, assuming its Thursday wherever you're reading this. If it isn't, happy Thursday anyway.

Normally your Pope (that would be me) doesn't "blog" about politics, at least not overtly. Yeah, okay, I take some pokes at politicos from time to time; let's face it, as goofy and ridiculous as most of our elected and wanting-to-be-elected representatives are, they're pretty easy targets. Honestly, that's just one of several reasons to not make politicians the subject of any of my essays: its just too easy. And as the leader of the All John All The Time World Church, maintaining my decorum is of vital importance to my "image", so I stay away from the mudpits of politics. Most of the time. (You guys didn't know I had an image to maintain, did you?)

But I thought this might be a time to provide a little leadership for my flock of faithful followers; hey, if the Roman Catholics, the Methodists, the Episcopalians and all the other religious "sects" can get away with paying no taxes and yet still continue to advocate for their particular candidates/issues, so can I. (The 1st Amendment of our Constitution talks about the "separation of church and state" and I think the Supreme Court has gone a long way out-of-bounds to keep the two entities distinct; the 1st also spells out the right to free speech, in no uncertain terms. That's all well and good, but for my money, if you're tax-exempt, you have no right to comment on the workings of a government that you do not support financially.)

So I was reading an op-ed piece in the L.A. Times this morning, by a guy named Doyle McManus, who I don't know a lot about, other than he writes a column for the Times several days a week, with which I often agree, but he briefly touched on each of the current "hopefuls" for the Republican Party Presidential nomination in 2012, and discussed their chances to becoming the Party nominee.

Here's the list of the potential contenders for the nod from their Party, in no particular order; FYI, the comments below are mine, not Mr. McManus':

Mitt Romney

Newt Gingrich

Tim Pawlenty

Haley Barbour

Sarah Palin

Mike Huckabee

Donald Trump

Michelle Bachmann

(I'd call them the Seven Mental Dwarves, which is obviously the diametric opposite of "mental giants", but there's eight of them; I could eliminate Donald Trump's name immediately, because he has about as much chance at securing the nomination as Harley does, and that would leave seven, but...oh well, let's go with eight and see what happens. Oh, and FYI, for those of you who haven't met him, the "Harley" in the last sentence is my sidekick, roommate and the back-up navigator onboard my atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, the Harley Dog. Harley typically shuns politics as well.)

Okay, let's take them in order, though to tell the truth, I don't think it will make any difference what sequence in which I talk about them, because this is the most undistinguished looking bunch of Presidential hopefuls I have ever seen. This group makes that bunch of Einsteins from back in 2000 look like "statesmen", for goodness sake.

Mitt Romney-

            I cannot vote for a person who a) is named after a baseball glove and b) is a member of a religion that was founded by a guy who claimed to find "golden" tablets from heaven that were left on earth in upper NY state with instructions to form a religion; by the way, the guy's name was Joseph Smith and the "angel" that led him to the golden tablets was named Moroni. (I assume the angel was Italian.) This is the guy you want meeting with other world leaders, people like Putin of Russia, Sarkozy of France, Sheen of Hollywood, (???) and Ahmadinejad of Iran? Sorry, but Mitt strikes me as a lightweight totally out of his class. And there's going to be a lot of Tea-Partiers out there who won't want him as their "guy" because of the health-care plan he pushed through the Massachusetts legislature when he was governor of that state a few years ago; it's too much like "Obamacare" for those folks, and Mitt can't explain how it came to be in his state. No, not Mitt, not ever.

Newt Gingrich-

            Is "Newt" short for "Newton" or what? And is this the guy all the witches go see when they need an "eye of newt" for their various spells and potions? Does Newt have more than two eyes? Is there one in the back of his head? (As a kid I was convinced my mother had eyes in the back of her head; they made a nice offset to the third boob she had growing on her chin.) Newt has a number of ex-wives, and in fact, no one is quite sure how many, and he was accused of having a "dalliance" while he was married with one of his staff members (I'm assuming a female type), back during the days of the Bill Clinton mess, and was roundly criticized for criticizing BC for his inability to keep his johnson in his pants, when it was obvious that Newt couldn't behave himself any better than that douche-bag Clinton. Serious case of the pot calling the kettle green. (???) What staunch, upstanding Christian right-wing conservative is going to vote for Newt? He probably has a little better chance at being nominated than "the Donald", but not much. Mostly I think he exists to provide a noisy background for the other "candidates".

Tim Pawlenty-

            Governor of Minnesota? Isn't that the same state that elected Jesse "The Body" Ventura as their governor a few years ago? Is this the same guy that doesn't want the national debt ceiling raised AND has a problem with where President Obama was born, after the State Of Hawaii has provided NUMEROUS samples of Obama's birth certificate, showing him to be a natural-born citizen, and yet this is the signature issue that Pawlenty wants us to know him by in these early stages of the campaign? Come on, Tim, how about we talk about meaningful deficit reduction, a comprehensive health care law, some kind of effective national policy on immigration, jobs and Wall Street or any of the other gazillion important problems for which this country needs answers. We've got plenty of serious issues to address without manufacturing one as stupid as "the President was born in Lower Zimbabwe and doesn't qualify to be President because he isn't native-born". Geez.

Haley Barbour-

            Former successful Washington lobbyist, former head of the Republican National Committee, current governor of Mississippi, suspected racist and general blowhard. You know, if Barbour becomes the GOP standard-bearer, then all the Democrats in the country should rejoice. For an election that is taking place in the midst of a national trend against "politics as usual" (see the landslide for the Republicans in the 2008 Congressional elections), he has all the wrong credentials (see above). I'm no expert (on politics; I am expert at gerbil golf) but this guy, beyond the obvious baggage of his "position" on race, is a non-starter. Okay, he has the Klan vote, but what else? No, this Dwarve is fooling himself with his aspirations.

            Thank God.

Sarah Palin-

            On the several occasions I have mentioned Ms. Palin in one of my posts, I have referred to her as Sarah Plain And Loud, a takeoff on the Glenn Close made-for-TV movie from a few years ago that was called "Sarah, Plain And Tall". Actually, I'm rather hoping that the Snacilpuber Ytrap  (that's Republican Party backwards) nominate her; between Sarah, her husband, Mr. Sarah, her unwed teenage mother, spokesperson for "teen abstinence" and social gadfly daughter, Bristol and her occasionally spotted-in-the-background ex-boyfriend and father to her son, Tripp, Levi Johnston, plus the revolving cast of characters from her home state of Alaska, yeah, I figure SPAL is good for a ongoing laugh riot if she is nominated.

            And I can't imagine why anyone would have a problem with Sarah as Presidential material just because her elected experience begins and ends with the mayorship of a small Alaskan town and her abbreviated term as Governor of Alsaka, which she cut short by her own volition. She has no foreign policy, other than saying that she can see Russia from her backdoor; she has no domestic policy, other than being a "mama grizzly", which I assume means she is furry, weighs in excess of eight hundred pounds and has breath that would knock a vulture off a meat wagon. And although I can't provide proof for this assertion, I'm pretty sure she has the IQ of soap. Yeah, Sarah, you'll get my vote.

Mike Huckabee-

            What makes you think he's any better now than he was in 2008 when he ran the first time and couldn't get nominated? If you want Christian fundamentalism as the guiding light that directs the actions of your next President, Mike is your man. Hey, it shouldn't be a problem that his only claim to fame is having been Governor of the worst state in the Union for a couple of years? (That's Arkansas, by the way, although it didn't hurt Scum-Bag Bill any back in 1992.) Once again, no foreign policy, no intelligent domestic policy, other than "more Bibles in our schools" and minimal background for the position he desires. Great candidate, folks.

Michelle Bachmann-

            Lots of mouth in such a small package. Another "Tea Party" hopeful. Slightly better chance than "the Donald" for securing the nomination, but not much. She's actually more strident than SPAL, if that's possible.

Donald Trump-

            Please tell me you're kidding. Please. I don't care how much money this guy has made, and believe me, despite the opinions of most of the people in this country, the ability to make a lot of money doesn't necessarily translate to high intelligence, political competence or astuteness, Donald Trump has about as much business being President as my dog. And I'd trust Harley a lot further; I'm pretty sure he's not a crook. Donald? Not as sure.

Since I didn't advocate for any of the above "candidates", but merely discussed their various "qualifications", I feel that I didn't abuse the church/state separation thing. I might have screwed with the boundaries of good taste, but that's nothing out of the ordinary; hell, I do that every time I write a post.

I hope the open and frank examination of the aspiring Republican Party presidential nominees has and will help you in making your choices for our next leader. I just hope, fervently, that the next President of the United States is as good at his job as I am at mine. (And as good-looking.)

You know, it just occurred to me...President Pope John The Tall. You have to admit, it has a nice ring. And if I got the gig, I wouldn't have to buy a new Popemobile either; they already have several of those huge limos in which they drag the President around, so I wouldn't need one.

Oh, and ready for this...Vice President Harley Dog.

Hey, we elected that total sleaze-bag Spiro Agnew VP back in '68, how would Harley be any worse than that? At least Harley isn't taking kickbacks from construction firms in Maryland. Although that new diamond-studded collar he just got recently makes you wonder.

Never mind, I'm too honest.

Love and ballots,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

"Pear Apples"

When I was a kid, growing up deep in the throes of Roman Catholicism, I recall that many of the teachings of the Catholic Church, the dogma and philosophies, were expressed through parables, which was a technique that Jesus often used during His time of public ministry and preaching. I figure, as the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church, if it worked for Him, it ought to work for me, right?

Of course, as a small child, I thought they were saying "pear-apples", you know, like "cranapples" or "craisins" or "strawberryrutabagas" or some similar strange combination of fruits that produces these weird advertising names, like pineapple and raisin, which would be "praisins".

As my daughter would say, whatever.

So today's post will be, as it was previously on 3/9/11, a collection of titles from some of the books in my library, that, with a slight (or maybe major) twist of the plot, could yield a "pear-apple" that could become a "teaching moment" or a chance to expound on the intricacies and joys of Johnism, as the dogma/philosophy of the AJATTWC is known.

In no particular order, other than as they occur to me:

*The Making Of The President-2012* (by Theodore H. White)

            Actually, this book hasn't been written yet, and sadly, Mr. White passed away back in 1986, but these are parables, so a certain amount of artistic license is acceptable, at least to me anyway. And since we're going with the "artistic license" gig, I'm going to make the book a novel, unlike the previous non-fictional accounts of the Presidential elections from 1960, '64, '68 and '72 by the Pulitzer Prize winning author.

            The heroine of the book is named Sarah, Plain and Loud, and we follow the would-be Pres candidate through a number of pre-primary meetings, conventions, photo ops and closed-door strategy "brainstorms", all the important things that go into the making and packaging of a Presidential contender in this age of 24/7 Internet news coverage, plus glimpses of her personal life with her husband and children, all of which have media "handlers" and press agents.

            Sarah has limited experience in elected governing, having been the mayor of a small municipality and then governor of the fictional state of Mooseland for about 15 minutes, but feels that her STRONGLY held opinions on everything Conservative (with a capital "C") more than compensates for her serious lack of practical experience in just about anything relevant to the real world outside Mooseland. (For more insight into the "strongly help opinion but no or limited experience in governance" movement, see Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Bill O'Reilly, Matt Beck, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, et al.)

            Sarah doesn't feel that her lack of experience is a hindrance to becoming President, and answers her critics by saying things like, "I can see Russia from my backdoor", or commenting about the North Korea/South Korea hostilities that "...obviously, we've got to stand with our North Korean allies." Obviously, she has great foreign policy skills, and can't understand why America isn't embracing her wholeheartedly. The only "constituency" she can claim is the Tea Bags conservative movement, and poor Sarah just never realizes how ideologically narrow and limited in quantity her "base" is, and can't believe it when she not only doesn't receive the nomination of her Party for President, but in fact doesn't even win one primary, and eventually returns to Mooseland in disgrace, calling all those who were critical of her campaign, her family or her personally "assholes".

            The moral of this tale is simple: people with the IQ of room temperature shouldn't run for President, and Americans should be smart enough not to vote for them when they do.

*The Exorcist* (by William Peter Blatty)

            Another classic tale of good versus evil.

            The story opens with an introduction to the heroine, a young lady named Wiley, who has a father, Bobby Jay, who was a One Hit Wonder as a country/western singer about 100 years ago, and goes on to tell the tale of how Wiley, with intense and constant pressure from her out-of-work father and star wanna-be mother, launches a "career" of her own, as a TV personality on a kid's show, and then later as a minimally-talented, no-brain pop singer.

            The plot takes a turn into the darkness of the occult, when one night, Wiley wakes up in bed, alone, to hear weird tapping noises coming from the attic directly above her bed, and to see weird poltergeist-like movements of the furniture and her belongings in her room. From this jumping off point, we follow Wiley and her dad, as the poor girl is possessed, and then completely taken over, by a demonic presence that wants her to drop her "pop music" gig and become a porn actress, an area in which the demon, whose name is Toomuchtoosoon, is convinced she will excel, and their battle to overcome the hideous force of evil that has overtaken every facet of her pointless existence.

            Her father, as inept in this battle as he is in everything else, has no idea how to combat the demon, and calls in an Exorcist, a professional, an expert as it were, to "cast out" the malefic spirit and restore Wiley to her previous vapid ways. The Exorcist, whose name is Fred, investigates the strange goings-on at Wiley's house, and comes to realize that, yes, Wiley is possessed by Toomuchtoosoon, and begins to devise ways of casting out the demonic presence.

            After a while, however, Fred comes to further realize that Wiley and her parents aren't worth saving, and that if he lets the demon have his way with Wiley, maybe eventually she and her whole sorry mess of a family will go away and drop off the face of the Earth, doing the world an ENORMOUS favor by not sucking up any more oxygen that the rest of us could be using.

            The moral of this story is one of sadness: how sad that our standards as a culture have been lowered to the extent that performers like Wiley can come to be "stars" in the "Step Right Up For Your 15 Minutes Of Fame" world of pop entertainment, and begs the question, What? What were we thinking?

*Presumed Innocent* (by Scott Turow)

            In Mr. Turow's brilliant novel of murder, judicial malfeasance, double-crosses, big-city politics and same-sex bingo, the main character, Rusty Sabich, is falsely accused of murdering one of his Assistant District Attorneys, a beautiful woman with which he had had a brief affair. (Obviously, there's a lot more to the story than that, but this isn't Oprah's Book Club, okay? Give Scott Turow a break and buy his book if you haven't read it; hey, its a hell of a story.) In the new and now improved Pope Guy's "Parable-Of-The-Week" version, the hero, Derrick Bananarama, who is an acknowledged world leader, as High Lord Tetrox of Lower Zimbabwe, is faced with challenges from all sides, including a rapidly growing deficit, an economy that's struggling to right itself after a terrible recession, multiple nuclear threats all over the world from nations run by maniacs, and finally, an outbreak of a civil war in a land far from LZ, but a potential "humanitarian disaster", and ol' Derrick, he has to decide how much and how far with the armed forces of LZ, which are fighting real "battles" elsewhere in the world, and when he takes his time to make a prudent and well thought out decision, he's criticized in the media by his evil nemesis, the Nacilbuper Ytrap, an organization of old and crotchety old guys who are old and hate everybody and don't have regular bowel movements, as being "slow to make a decision" and "the time to act is now" and, this one mostly "he will lose this war with his inaction". GUILTY AS CHARGED.

            Except that Mr. Bananarama has never had the benefit of a jury; isn't he *Presumed Innocent* until proven guilty?

            Next, the Evil Umpire (really small strike zone guy) of the Nacilbuper Ytrap has harsh words for our hero because they didn't like what he had decided to do, although, while not very well-explained by ol' Derrick, still looked like pretty good ideas, assuming a break here or there. But NOOOOOooo, cried the Old Guys of Nacilbuper Ytrap, "that's not what he should have done" and "wouldn't it have been better if we did this" and, mostly, "he will lose this war with his actions". GUILTY AS CHARGED.

            Oh, except for that minor detail of a jury, which in Derrick Bananrama's particular case, is still out over this issue and a lot of what he has done so far as the High Lord Tetrox of Lower Zimbabwe.

That's the jury of public opinion, and that leads me to the moral of this sad tale: opinions are just like assholes; everybody has one, and mostly they stink.

*The Caine Mutiny On The Bounty* (by Herman Wouk and Charles Nordhoff and James Norman Hall and Memnon, the Under Glorth of Scklorn)

            The tragic and fateful tale of the actor Michael Caine, as he boards a tiny ship for an afternoon cruise through "the islands", only to discover, once out to sea, that the vessel is manned by cutthroat pirates, and that the leader of the band (good song by Dan Fogelberg), the cruel and ruthless Flipper, assisted by his First Mate Hooligan, intends to enslave all the people on board the boat and take them to his secret island in the Sargasso Sea, where they would forced, at gunpoint, to listen to Rush Limbaugh broadcasts all day long, and then call in and agree with everything that pinhead Limbaugh had said.

            The thought of endless Rush (not the band, that would be great, no, the blowhard) was too much for Caine, and he begins plotting with another passenger, the brilliant but eccentric Doc (Hey, I didn't want to use "Professor", okay? That would be a little too obvious, don't you think? And I couldn't think of an analogous word for Professor. Geez.) and Doc's perky nurse, Terry Cloth, to stage a "mutiny" and take over the ship and save themselves and the other passengers from a face worse than death. (???) Oh, sorry, "fate".

            Unfortunately, Flipper and his merry band of buccaneers discover the plot and kill all the passengers and drop them in the ocean and then go back to shore for a new load that they can enslave and take to their secret island in the Sargasso Sea and force to listen...okay, you get the pitcher (and I'll get the glasses).

            The moral?

            You're kidding, right?

I certainly hope that all these wonderful tales, these "pear-apples" (or "strawberryrutabagas") as it were, will be a help and a guide to better living through the light and loving wisdom of Johnism.

Kinda' makes you want to yark, doesn't it?

Love and best sellers,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.