Well, we made it, back in the USSR, (thank you, John, Paul, George and Ringo, "...back in the US, back in the US, back in the USSR..."); your Pope Guy has safely returned from another adventure in outer space (the REAL outer space, not the one between my ears).
When the Harley Dog and I got back from the planet Hercyon III, and after an afternoon of kickin' back in the old easy chair watching the Lakers knock the snot out of the Spurs, I decided it was time to check in with my department heads and see what they had to say about the condition of the All John All The Time World Church and the ever-changing world around us; here's what they had to report to your Pope, in no particular order:
From the Now You Tell Me Department-Kaiser researchers (whoever the hell they are) reported recently that the daily use of aspirin and other NSAIDS (Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drugs) is associated with a 22% increase in erectile dysfunction. The researchers studied 80,966 men dating back to 2002, and further found that although a significant number of those involved in the study couldn't get a woody if you paid them, their incidents of headaches went down dramatically, and it didn't make any difference if their wives/girlfriends had one or not.
From the You Really Couldn't See This One Coming? Department-Professor John Michael Bailey, a psychology instructor at Northwestern University in Chicago, issued a "tepid, slightly defensive" apology Saturday for allowing an after-class live-sex demonstration following one of his Human Psychology lectures. The Professor was quoted as saying "while he wouldn’t make the same decision again, he would give those who disapprove of what he did an F for their arguments". According to reports from students who viewed the "demonstration", a young woman got undressed, lay down on a towel and allowed her fiance to penetrate her with a sex toy, after which a discussion of "kinky sex and the female orgasm" followed. The day after the "demonstration", the NU registrar's office reported a 356% increase in the number of (male) students who signed up to take Professor Bailey's course.
From the Does Anyone Wonder Why The Postal Service Is Going Broke? Department- Tilford Teig, an 85-year old retired farmer who lives in Iowa, reported recently that he received a letter from his brother, Mervin, (their parents apparently had a very unusual sense of humor), who was writing from his Army barracks at Camp Roberts in Paso Robles CA. In and of itself, this is hardly earth-shaking news, except that the letter had been mailed in 1943. Tilford received a phone call from someone with the Postal Service recently, whose name and position Mr. Teig didn't catch, but who was thought to be affiliated with the "mail recovery center" in Atlanta (a euphemism for "dead letter office"), asking him if he would like to have the letter that was originally intended for his parents. A Postal Service official, a Mr. James Widgel, when asked to comment on this very bizarre turn of events, remarked that the USPS delivers 96% of all mail on time, and that this was an "anomaly" and not "a trend", which your Pope feels much better knowing, although I would be curious to know what happens to the other 4%. What was most perplexing about this incident was the whereabouts of the letter all through the ensuing 68 years; one can only speculate that it may have been sitting in some mail-carriers garage, or have been sent mistakenly to the planet Hercyon III and then sent back on one of those "Close Encounters Of The Third Kind" happenings, you know, where the aliens return all the old WWII aircraft to Earth and a bunch of Steven Spielberg's actor buddies finds them. Mr. Widgel had no comment when asked if he felt that incidents of this nature explain the increased usage of email and other alternative mail sources, but other USPS sources indicated that a new "dead letter office" was to be established in the Bermuda Triangle in the near future.
From the Why Does Your Letter Have That Strange Smell? Department-in a report from Jaipur India recently, a struggling producer of homemade paper products stumbled, literally, upon a unique new raw material to use to produce a new line of paper goods: elephant poop. According to L.A. Times New Delhi Bureau, Vijender Shekhawats' revelation came when he was visiting a local shrine near his home and he stepped in a pile of what was to be turned into the "Haathi Chaap", or Elephant Print, brand of products. (The report was in the L.A. Times 3/3/11 edition on page A2 if you want to verify my veracity. The description of the process used to clean and prepare the "poop" is too long and involved to go into here, plus I'm too lazy to do it. And besides, I'd probably try to say something humorous or clever about the whole report, but I'd fail; it's already pretty funny on its surface.)
From the I Guarantee I'm The Healthiest Guy On The Planet Department-according to the website TheMedGuru.com, staring at a woman's breasts "is good for men's health and increases their life expectancy." The doctor who conducted the research that led to this remarkable conclusion, a Dr. Karen Weatherby, further stated that "just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female, is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out." That being the case, assuming the efficacy of her study, there's every indication that I will live to be 156 years of age. Easy.
From the What The &%@#* Do You Mean We're Only 15th On The List? Department-the "location-based, social-networking service" (???) Foursquare recently conducted a world-wide survey to determine which cities in the world were the rudest and most foul-mouthed; their finding for #1? Manchester, England. Interestingly, Manchester was only one of two non-U.S. cities to make the list (the other was Melbourne, Australia), and more curiously, or not, depending on your point of view, seven of the top twenty were located in California, including:
-Riverside (5th)
-Venice (9th)
-Orange (10th)
-San Jose (11th)
-Culver City (13th)
-Fullerton (14th)
-Los Angeles (15th)
Based on a finish of 15th, your Pope has to tell you that I'm pretty %&*#$ that we didn't do better on the survey. You assholes.
From the Apparently I'm Not The Only One Not Getting Any Department-according to MSN.com contributor Diane Mapes, in a recent report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's National Center for Health Statistics, who apparently, at least per Ms. Mapes, "painstakingly details the country’s sexual habits", (which sounds to me like a really bad case of voyeurism), based on a survey of 13,500 persons between the ages of 15 and 44, virginity is making a comeback. Per the report "researchers found that between 2006 and 2008, the percentage of 15- to 24-year-old men who had never had any form of sexual contact with another person was 27 percent (up from 22 percent in 2002) while the percentage of 15- to 24-year-old females who had never had any sex whatsoever was 29 percent (up 7 percent points from 22 percent in 2002)". (Hey, folks at the CDC; you don't have to point out the difference between 22% and 29% is 7%; I can add too. Geez, I hate that.) There were no statistics given as to how many of those surveyed had avoided any sexual contact with eberts, which is a small, furry two-headed mammal with an enormous sex-organ from Lower Zimbabwe. (The ebert is from Lower Zimbabwe, not its sex-organ.)
From the There's No Interpretation Like The Most Recent Interpretation Department- the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops announced recently that a newly translated version of the New American Bible (to be called the Really New American Bible) will be issued to publishers this week on Ash Wednesday, and "will offer substitutes for words such as "booty" and "holocaust" to better reflect modern understanding." For example, the word "holocaust", which for most people refers to the WWII genocide of Jews, has been changed to "burnt offerings", and the word "booty", "which has come to have a sexual connotation", has been updated to "spoils of war", which brings to mind such sentences as, "Check out the spoils of war on that one". The report went on to say that in the "passage in Isaiah 7:14 that foretells the coming of Jesus and his birth to a virgin mother, the 1970 edition's reference to "the virgin" will become "the young woman," to better translate the Hebrew word "almah." Your Pope would be curious as to know how much better this would have made Joseph feel, if any at all.
And from the Here Comes The Fries Department-per the website Delish.com's Food In The News column, "McDonald's Launches 'McWeddings' In Hong Kong". That's right, oh faithful followers of your Pope Guy, if you live in Hong Kong, and you would like the entree selections at your wedding to be Filet-o-Fish, McNuggets or a more traditional Big Mac, you're in luck. "The McWeddings offer an inexpensive option in a nation where the monthly household income averages around only $2,250, but the average couple spends about $29,200 for a wedding. A ceremony under the Golden Arches is a relative steal, starting at $1,280, which comes with food and drinks for 50, a 'wedding cake' made of stacked apple pies, and invitation cards. There are even gifts for the guests: figurines of classic McDonald's characters like the Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald." Alcohol is not permitted, however, but according to Shirley Chang, managing director of Hong Kong McDonalds, "you can have a lot of fun with soft drinks".
The Pope can think of nothing to add to that report that would even begin to make it any funnier than it already is.
Well, after all of the above I would hope that all of you would feel considerably more edified than you were when you started reading this post; if you don't, either I have failed miserably or you weren't paying attention. Either way, I'm tired and I'm not going to write anything further; I'm going to go make lunch and then after lunch I'm going to give the Harley Dog a severe beating.
15th? Shit, I thought LA (pronounced LAH) would do a lot *&$#% better than 15th.
Love and "new" news,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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