As much as I enjoy my work as the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church, there are drawbacks to being the spiritual leader of so many, as well as a prominent world figure and renown sports fan. I think the one thing that bothers me most is the occasional insult directed towards me, as Pope, by inconsiderate, thoughtless assh...sorry, by people who disagree with my teachings and my opinions on the issues that effect my flock. (Good thing my "flock" isn't sheep; sheep and shepherds are the common building blocks of Old Testament abominations. Like in the Book of Secretions, Chapter 9, Cubs 3.) I realize that, as a public figure and as a man of the cloth (gabardine), I should offer up these slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (that's Shakespeare, Book of Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1, and the Dodgers/Giants no score, just getting under way here at Dodger Stadium) to whatever higher power exists in the universe, and suffer little children to come unto me. (???) And mostly I'm able to do this, to bear with the personal insults to further my vision of a world at peace, a world free of hatred and malice towards each other, a world without end, amen.
And while the assaults on my lofty and exalted position as Pope I can dismiss, as long as they're made in the heat of a good, clean debate of the issues, whenever an attack on my Popeship becomes personal, it seriously pisses me off, ah, upsets me greatly, sorry.
A few years ago, a trend was abound in our country, and continues today to some varying degree, to use a phrase of frank obviousness, as an ironic rejoinder to a statement of equal or even greater obviousness. To wit, "Gee, does a cat have nine lives?" or "Yeah, no shit, and do the Cubs suck?", etc. But the one remark of this genre that has always rankled me, that I felt was demeaning and insulting to my Popeness was the one that goes, "Yeah, does the Pope shit in the woods?" I'm sorry, but I just feel that a remark like that lacks respect for my ever so lofty office and person.
Why can't we have civility in our discourse, why...hang on, there goes the Popephone again...JTT...Mike, how ya' doin', buddy?...a bear?...and what?...the Pope wears a tall hat...shit...well, I got that one wrong, didn't I?...tell Miller in research he really blew this one...no, don't fire him, but dock him a week's pay, all right?...thanks... According to my consigliore, Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, that's ANOTHER Michael Jordan), I apparently misunderstood what was being said. As far as I know, bears do shit in the woods. (For my money, any animal as big as a bear, with all those really huge bear teeth, hey, he can shit anywhere he likes. And FYI, this consigliore thing isn't like in "The Godfather", okay? Its not a mafia thing, I'm not Italian, I don't run an olive oil import business and I've never made an offer that couldn't be refused, just ask all the women I've tried to get in...well, never mind that now.)
Well, now that I know my Popeosity isn't being ranked as I believed it was, it's on to other more critical issues. Why is it so hard to find a really good pizza place here in the Valley that delivers?
(I was reading about the President of China the other day, a man named Hu Jintoa, and I thought to myself, if he gets a single, then Hu's on first, right? I don't know; he's on third.) (Okay, excellent baseball joke, stolen gleefully from the movie "Hot Shots"; would do you do with an elephant that has three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.)
(I was reading about the President of China the other day, a man named Hu Jintoa, and I thought to myself, if he gets a single, then Hu's on first, right? I don't know; he's on third.) (Okay, excellent baseball joke, stolen gleefully from the movie "Hot Shots"; would do you do with an elephant that has three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.)
I'm thinking of dropping a better camshaft in the engine of the Popemobile, and maybe some headers too; you know, looking to gain a higher power.
Love and quotations,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
No comments:
Post a Comment