One of the biggest responsibilities inherent with being Pope of the All John All The Time World Church is taking a leading role in talking about what's being done to combat debilitating and life-threatening diseases, encouraging research into these dread killers and promoting fundraising to support that research. The AJATTWC has created a number of missions to address such horrors as acute hangnail, shingles (the disease, not the roof-covering), bubonic plague and many others. The AJATTWC stands second to no other organization in its quest to find cures for the maladies that face all of mankind, every day.
But despite all our efforts, not to mention the $9.38 we've spent pursuing ways to combat such heart-breaking illnesses like crickets, halitosis...damn, hang on, the Popephone is ringing...JTT...hi, Mike...its what?...oh, RICKets...sorry, I guess I blew that one...thanks, dude...
That was my consigliore the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not that MJ) on the phone.
Anyway, it recently came to my attention that there is rampant in the world today a new and insidious malady that, even with all our resources and manpower, ($54.36, two bunsen burners, a pipette, which I assume is a small pipe, and a couple of lab techs from the Alfred E. Newman School of Medicine and Massage Parlor), we have failed to bring under control. It's a disease that, up until now, has been largely overlooked by and rarely spoken of in the halls of medical science.
Anyway, it recently came to my attention that there is rampant in the world today a new and insidious malady that, even with all our resources and manpower, ($54.36, two bunsen burners, a pipette, which I assume is a small pipe, and a couple of lab techs from the Alfred E. Newman School of Medicine and Massage Parlor), we have failed to bring under control. It's a disease that, up until now, has been largely overlooked by and rarely spoken of in the halls of medical science.
That's right, boys and girls, I'm talking about orgasm allergy.
I first became aware of this monstrous disease from an article I read on MSN.com, where the plight of a Mr. A and his battle with orgasm allergy was chronicled.
It seems that Mr. A (which is how he was portrayed in the article), a 50-year-old married man, had suffered from this allergy since the age of 19. Every time he ejaculates, Mr. A "would experience fever, weakness, exhaustion, loss of initiative, headaches, disordered speech, irritability, forgetfulness and frightening dreams, not to mention swollen lips and throat." Yeah, not to mention. (Needless to say, puberty for this guy was the only time sex was any fun. And in those days, you're all by yourself. And thinking about some of the women I've slept with over the years, I totally get the "frightening dreams" thing.)
The article goes on to state that, "The symptoms were so severe that he and his wife (HIS WIFE!!) planned intercourse for Fridays so he would have two days to recover before returning to work on Monday." (Then it gets serious.) "HE ALSO SUFFERED FROM PREMATURE EJACULATION, SO THE PROBLEM WAS NO PICNIC FOR MRS. A EITHER."
Okay, I'm Pope of the AJATTWC, and, as such, people expect from me a modicum of compassion for my fellow man and his travails. And while I'm sure this is not a laughing matter to Mr. A, you have to admit that, just on the surface of it, it does have its humorous side, although I suspect Mr. A, however, is probably not what you would call a happy camper.
As of this moment, as Pope of the All John All The Time World Church, I am pledging all of our considerable resources (the 54 bucks, the equipment, the two lab techs, the whole schmear) to battle this dread sickness, and I will further pledge that I will see that every effort is made to effect a cure for orgasm allergy in our lifetimes.
And it was no picnic for Mrs. A either.
Love and test tubes,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
No comments:
Post a Comment