The All John All The Time World Church

I was cruising along in my atomic-powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or RU Kidding for short, about three hundred parkingmeters (which is considerably farther than kilometers) west of the island of Parth out over the Sargasso Sea, when it occurred to me that, now that I had introduced myself in my blog, (see my post from 1/18/11, "Allow Me To Introduce Myself"; clever title for an introduction, don't you think?), I should probably take a few minutes and tell you about my church, the All John All The Time World Church, of which I am Pope.

(By the way, the RU Kidding is the same atomic-powered rocket ship that I flew in my attempt to be the first person to break the Speed of Aroma, back on Star Date 6384.29, or about three weeks ago. Speed of Aroma, as you may not know, is the equivalent to the Speed of Light for our vision and the Speed of Sound for our hearing; the Speed of Aroma is the measurement for our sense of smell. I don't know about the measurement for taste; the speed of bagels?)

The All John All The Time World Church is a non-denominational, all-inclusive group that has few canons, little dogma and only a few simple requirements for membership; you must be named John, live in Southern California (from Santa Barbara south), be tall, breathtakingly good looking and be in possession of an enormous Schwanzschtuka. (That's the technical term for the control stick used in the RU series of atomic-powered rocket ships; each pilot has his own, personalized control stick. And thank you to Teri Garr and Mel Brooks in "Young Frankenstein" for the term. Funniest movie of all time, hands-down.)

The AJATTWC preaches love, harmony with nature and other humans, peace and the consumption of copious quantities of beer. And you have to be a Lakers/Dodgers fan. (No Angels fans allowed.) The church was founded by me, Pope John The Tall, just last week, and has grown steadily since inception. We welcome all persons who possess the attributes for membership (see above), and hope that all those who qualify will seek us out and join us in our quest for spiritual fulfillment, enlightenment and a World Series appearance for the Dodgers. (We may have a shot at two out of the three.)

Like any good church, the AJATTWC has a number of "missions" that we support; for example, we sponsor our own in-house charity, the Home For The Chronically Bewildered, a charity that has enormous potential for good, given the extraordinary number of people here in the Southland (9 out of every 10 adults by most estimates) who are in need of help. We hope to raise awareness for this debilitating condition, and funding as well, by a series of bake-sales and other fundraising events, such as our Annual Pud-Pulling Competition or our 5K Walk To Stamp Out Bewilderment In Our Time, which will take place this year as soon as we figure out what this walk thing is all about. (FYI, pud-pulling, while not an exclusive Southern California phenomena, being well known outside the area, is however expertly practiced here locally, and involves, well, never mind what it involves, you'll have to come to the Competition to find out.)

As you can see, the AJATTWC is an active, vibrant organization with skilled leadership and a strong message that helps guide and instruct our members as they make their way through the pitfalls and fleshpots of our modern world. Indeed, our members seek out these palaces of sin, (and revel therein) to have the opportunity to be witnesses to the Faith, the beacon of hope that is the All John All The Time World Church.

Won't you join us, or at least send a generous, tax-deductible donation so we may continue this important work? Or at least suggest a way that the Dodgers can come up with a big bat for the middle of the lineup?

And some bullpen help would be nice too.

Love and dogma,

PJTT