Hey, sports fans, its the Pope here, with more scintillating comments on the state of the world as I see it.
Scintillating; pretty good word, huh? (Almost as good as "gerbil".)
I was perusing the 'Net the other day, as part of my duties as the leader of the All John All The Time World Church, when this headline leaped out and grabbed me by the private part:
"Culkin Denies He's Dating A Porn Star".
Okay, now I realize that we exist in an age where there are lots of "celebrities", using the term loosely, who are strictly famous for nothing more than, well, being famous. The Kardashians, all 587 of them, Paris Hilton Hotel California, that repulsive Nicole Richie, the Michelin Tire guy and others who show up at all the right parties, all the right red-carpet events, say inane things that have absolutely no relevance to anything taking place in the real world, and then return to whatever alternate universe in which they reside.
And at least MacCauley Culkin has done some movie acting, most notably the "Home Alone" movies, to give him some cachet as someone who's particular story might be of some interest to the general public, unlike someone like, say, Rachel Uchitel, whom I had never heard of until I saw her on the VH1 series "Celebrity Rehab", who to my knowledge has never done anything of any newsworthiness other than be gorgeous and "party" with other equally "famous" and gorgeous people, and who was told by Janice Dickinson, another "famous" celebrity and costar on "Rehab", that "you were born with a silver spoon up your ass". Yeah, at least MacCauley has a little street cred, although I don't recall any of the "Alone" movies winning any Oscars, or for that matter, any Felixes either. (Since I wrote this post, I found out the Rachel Urchitel was one of Tiger Woods', how can I say, liaisons. Now there's something to be known for; how proud her parents must be.)
But then I see this headline, and the first thing that occurs to me is, Huh?? I mean, who gives a shit if Culkin is or isn't dating a porn star, or for that matter, if he's dating Paris Hilton's Chihuahua. I wasn't aware that the dating habits of MacCauley Culkin were of any particular import to anyone, (other than MacCauley) even if it was a porn star. At least it wasn't a maiden of the Testicles (pronounced TES-TI-CLEES) Halcyon from the Nebula of Cerritos.
But the bigger issue here is, I believe, whether Rachel Urchitel could, in fact, have been born with a silver spoon up her wazoo. I don't know about you guys, but first off, unless Janice Dickinson was there when Uchitel was born, how does she know that? I'm certain Uchitel didn't tell her; I'm pretty sure that Rachel doesn't remember because, like most of us, she was probably quite young when she was born and has little recollection of the event.
Secondly, even if its true, and I believe that issue is debatable, given how uncomfortable that would have been for both Rachel and her mother, once again, who gives a shit? She could have been born with a John Deere tractor in her left ear for all I care, and I suspect most of the people in the "non-famous" world would agree with me.
But my real concern here is how stories of this nature affect my followers in the AJATTWC, and as their Pope, I intend to do what I can to stop this frivolous reporting of what purports to be "news" involving people of questionable notoriety. I believe reports of this nature lead to confusion in the minds of the common person, which is how I consider myself, despite my Popeosity, about what's important and what is germane to their lives, and gives them a false sense of reality, much like the one so many of our political leaders in Washington seem to have.
I will join this battle just as soon as I finish the article I'm reading about Kim Kardashian; according to the report, she's currently dating the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and says that, despite his rather rotund appearance, he's really a "studmuffin", (pardon the unintentional pun) and that they intend to marry and raise a whole slew of flaky croissants.
I just hope for Kim's sake that none of them are born with a kitchen utensil up their wazoo.
Love and tabloids,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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