Cross Your Eyes And Dot Your Tees

"Klaatu barada nikto".

No, that isn't the Latin translation of a sentence from the liturgy of the All John All The Time World Church, as performed by your Pope Guy, John The Tall, leader and head-chef of the AJATTWC, in my quest to spread the message of the "soothing balm of Johnism"; it's the Roman Catholics that used to do that Latin thing, although I understand they've pretty much dropped it now, considering that, well, d'uh, Latin isn't spoken anywhere in the world these days.

No, that's a phrase from one of the all-time great sci-fi movies ever, the 1951 classic "The Day The Earth Stood Still" (not to be confused with "The Day The Fish Came Out", a 1967 comedy about "a weapon more dangerous than a nuclear weapon", which seems like an unusual theme for a comedy), starring Michael Rennie as "Klaatu", the space alien that came to Earth to give us the somber message that if the people of this world didn't clean up our collective acts (speaking of nuclear weapons), the planetary alliance to which his planet belonged would blow the living bejeezus out of us, and that would be that.

They never identified the planet that Klaatu was from, but I suspect it was Zatox. It's also noteworthy that the movie was released the same year I was born, making us both geriatric cases, which is much evidenced in the movie by the rather primitive music and special effects; I have neither.

We were also deeply invested in the Korean War in '51; President Truman was the initiator of the American foreign policy of involvement in "police actions" in far-away countries that waste vast amounts of treasure and cost thousands of lives unnecessarily, and accomplish nothing. (I remember the first time, as a kid in school, when one of the nuns at St. Jude's mentioned Truman by his full name; I thought she was calling him "Harry Ass" Truman, and I couldn't believe she said it.) Despite Harry's getting us involved in Korea, which I'm not sure he had much of a choice about, and being a Democrat, I have always thought him to be one of the better Presidents this country has ever had.)

But I digest.

Anyway, Klaatu told Helen Benson (played by a very good-looking Patricia Neal), one of his fellow boarding-house roomies, after she guessed that he wasn't from Akron OH, that she was to say this to Gort, the 8 foot tall robot that was standing guard outside the spaceship in which Klaatu came to Earth, in case anything bad happened to him (Klaatu), like say a bunch of xenophobic Earthlings shot his butt.

Which of course they ultimately did.

I love this movie, but I've always had a problem with that line. Obviously, given the context, if translated to English it would read, "Klaatu has bought the farm, now go find his dead butt and save him from the heathen Earth aliens before they eat him, or worse, turn him into a Republican."

More or less.

Here's my objection: based on my translation, painstakingly derived from the original Zatoxian, there should be a comma after "barada", as in "Klaatu barada, nikto." You could even have used a semi-colon, which is, according to my Webster's New World Dictionary Of The American Language, which is not to be confused with English necessarily, "a mark of punctuation indicating a degree of separation greater than that marked by a comma and less than that marked by the period".

In American, there should have been a comma at least; in Zatoxian, hard to say.

(George Bernard Shaw, the Irish playwright, once remarked that England and America were "two nations divided by a common language".)

I can't speak for the English, or the French, or the Belarusians, but Americans tend to screw up punctuation pretty regularly, assuming they use it at all.

Case in point, from a real CraigsList ad I saw recently on the Huffington Post, in an article naming the "Eight Strangest Ads Ever On CraigsList", from a guy trying to sell his pick-up truck (and just ignore the fact that the reason he's selling the vehicle is because it has become a four-wheeled bee-hive; that's another issue altogether):

"$1200 obo this has been a good truck for me but i have to sell it because i cant ever get to it with all of the bees around it they have been in and around it for almost 2 months now and i havent been able to get near 5 feet or else i get stung and im sick of it i still have welts from months ago stingings and i cant even get to work because i cant get to my truck so i have to sell it test drives at ur own risk i cant go with you too many bees"

Not bad...a one hundred and four word paragraph with not one punctuation mark. As in none, nada, zip, bupkis, zilch, close your eyes and how many do you see, zero, none. (His spelling and use of capitalization leave something to be desired as well.)

The antithesis to this lack of sentence discernment is the person who over-uses punctuation, another horror.

(Full disclosure here: I am guilty of being a serial abuser of commas and semicolons; if you've ever read any of my posts, you'll know from whence I speak. I tend to beat the crap out of quotation marks and parentheses as well.)

But to my way of thinking, better too many than that abomination above. But that's just me, and what do I know?

I have a family member whose punctuation mark of choice is the exclamation point, as in any sentence that she is trying to express any enthusiasm or shock or surprise is punctuated thusly:

"The grass was green!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I will not reveal the name of this abuser of the "sudden, vehement utterance" point (thank you again, Websters), other than to say that it's my lovely daughter. (Oh, that was subtle.)

Apostrophes are another source of frustration for those of us who believe that written American is rapidly going down the shitter.

Simple rule...if it belongs to someone/thing, use an apostrophe; if its merely plural, don't.

Geez; what in the world are schools teaching kids today?

My only comment on periods will be that I'm sorry women have to have them every 28 days or so; I understand they're unpleasant.

Did you know that bologna is made from cow elbows? For that matter, were you even aware that cows HAD elbows?

Love and !";:(,.'s,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

"Dilbert" cartoon, copyright Scott Adams

Once More, Just For The Halibut

As a follow-up to my post of 1/15/14, please see the photos below (see below), presented as further proof of our obsession as humans with big fish.

 

Right.

Love and Red Lobster,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

The NOBULLetin_February 2014

God's response to this month's NOBULLetin (above).

After numerous complaints from my various followers concerning their inability to keep up with the "happenings" of their favorite religious facility, the All John All The Time World Church, your also favorite Pope (which is at best a dubious distinction, given the lack of competition), John The Tall, leader and head spiritual guy of the AJATTWC, has decided to re-institute the NOBULLetin, which was until I got too lazy to write it, the monthly news organ of the church.

I promise (threaten) that I will publish one every month, from now on, like it or not.

Accordingly, here is the February 2014 edition of your fave church poop-sheet, the NOBULLetin...

*No Further "Johner Of The Month" Award*

            Your Popester, in conjunction with the AJATTWC Bored Of Elders, has decided this month to suspend indefinitely the awarding of the previously coveted "Johner Of The Month" award; this move has been necessitated by several factors, any of which was sufficient in and of itself to justify this decision.

            First, the cost of the prize (typically a gift certificate to Starbucks for a Latte Mocha Jockstrap Chocolate Bicycle Grande Nutmeg Frappachino) was becoming prohibitive. (They're what? $42.56 plus tax these days?)

Second, our church secretary, Ms. Virginia Ham, somehow managed to delete the blank certificate form that we used to fill in with the winner's name and print out for them, and now she can't seem to find another on-line.

And third, the last few winners didn't seem that enthused by the honor. I won't mention any names, but one of them, when notified of her award, remarked that she would rather endure root-canal work without the benefit of anesthesia, then to be named the winner of anything that had to do with the AJATTWC and your Popeamundo.

Isn't it sad how ungrateful your children become as they grow older?

*On-Line Exorcisms Available*

            Speaking of being on-line, church President Hugh Mongous has asked, as a public service to all our members, especially those afflicted with any pesky and/or hard-to-get-rid-of demons or spirits, that the congregation be made aware that Pastor Bob Larson of the Scottsdale AZ International Missions Program will, for the paltry donation of $295 (preferably in cash), be happy to exorcise you of said demons/spirits, using 21st century technology, via Skype.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/29/bob-larson-skype_n_4688323.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news 

            While the AJATTWC has no official position, for or against, with regards to Reverend Larson's ministry, given the activities of some of our members at the latest Teen Club outing (see the photo below of Sister Holly Woode at the event), we would highly recommend that some of the kids consider contacting him.

            Soon.

*Applications For Rectory Housekeeper Being Taken*

            Any of you loyal followers of your Pope Guy who are interested in, or know someone dumb enough to be interested in, the part-time position of Housekeeper at the AJATTWC rectory, should contact our Head Custodian, Brother Alan Wrench, as soon as possible, to apply for the job. Brother Wrench will be happy to discuss hours (which will be long) and salary (which will be miniscule) with you at that time. (Perks? You get to hang with the Pope, how's that?)

            If you're in the market for back breaking, unrewarding labor at wages well below what would be considered decent, please apply soon; as you can see from the photo and video below, we already have several applicants.

http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=32581&utm_source=crowdignite.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=crowdignite.com#.UwIf4M4z3Kc

*Pet Found On Church Property*

            Brother Bill Collector, President of the Men's Club, has asked that the following announcement be made: a pet dog (?) was found on the church's back lawn recently (photo below); the poor little guy was wearing a tag, but it had been burned off so identification of the owner was impossible. If you've lost your favorite pooch in the area, please give Brother Collector a call.

*Church Security Being Upgraded*

            Due to the recent rash of threats to your Popearama from several disgruntled ex-members (something to do with claims of non-performance, and the failure to fulfill certain promises involving "a heavenly experience"), the Bored Of Elders has decided to enhance the protection currently being provided your Pope; to this end, the Bored has contracted with Mr. Bob Upendown of the security firm Tanks A Lot, to furnish bodyguard services on a 24/7 basis. Below is a picture of Mr. Upendown; we hope you will make him welcome when you see him around the church.

*Woman's Club Bake Sale*

            Unfortunately, once again this month, according to Woman's Club President Sue Pervise, there will be no Bake Sale to benefit the Women For Johnism. There has, however, never been a monthly NOBULLetin that did not contain a reference to a Woman's Club Bake Sale, and we certainly didn't want to start an ugly precedent with this month's edition.

*"Women For Johnism" Fondue Party Fund-Raiser*

            However, once again per Sister Sue Pervise, the WFJ will be hosting a fondue party fund-raiser for all interested Church couples in the church meeting hall on Administrative Professional's Day, which this year falls on Wednesday, April 23rd. Please plan to join us for this festive occasion, and to ensure the evening's success, Sister Clair Voyant has a special treat planned for the event (see the photo below). Please contact Sister Pervise by 2/31/14 to make your reservations.

*A Political Non-Endorsement*

            As you all know, it is not the policy of the Bored Of Elders or your Pope Guy to endorse any political candidates for any public office; the reasons for this are manifold:

            One, most politicians are people that your Popeness would not care to be mentioned in the same sentence with, let alone provide an endorsement for their crooked, thieving ways.

            Second, there's no way I'm jeopardizing our tax-exempt status with the IRS to support some sleazy politician. (This church/Pope gig is the greatest tax-dodge ever.)

            However, with that said, the Bored and your Popester would like to acknowledge and congratulate Mr. John Key, the Prime Minister of New Zealand, for clearing up, with his fearless submission to various testing protocols, the issue of whether or not he is a shape-shifting space reptile (see article below).

            We are most grateful to Mr. Key for his announcement, and thank him for his candor.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/16/new-zealand-prime-minister-reptile_n_4798398.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

*Teen Club Outing Announced*

            Deb Utant, President of the AJATTWC's teen club, Teens For John, has announced an outing for all interested TFJ members, and those interested in joining the club, to the upcoming concert of the new boy-band pop sensation, Jump Up Yours (see photo below); the concert is to be held downtown at the Concerts R' Us facility on March 21st, which is also the 312th anniversary of Queen Anne Stuart's address to the British Parliament. Sister Utant asks that you contact her ASAP, as tickets for the event are going fast.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

            Here is a partial list of the businesses that help pay for the NOBULLetin and your Pope Guy's exorbitant salary; please help them out by patronizing their establishments.

            Thanks.

~The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorney's At Law~

            "We're only in it for the dough"

            www.MyAttorneyCanWhipYourAttorney.aba

~Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor~

            "Tie me up and feed me pizza"

            227 N. Bondage Ave.

            555-867-5309

~Rose's Special Buds~

            Florist and Medical Marijuana Shop

            1356 Copabuzz Dr.

            555-456-1111

            Ms. Rose Bush, Proprietor

 "...and blessed are the bewildered, not because they're cool or anything, but because they can use all the help they can get..."

Apollo 13; Dodgers 6

Love and sermons,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

This, That And My Brother

I hope you're listening.

(Actually, I decided to leave out the "my brother" part of this post, since he's fundamentally a self-important know-it-all that I'm sure you guys don't want to hear about anyway.)

So there.

"Is the present state of the national republic enough? Is virtue the principle of our government? Is honor? Or is ambition and avarice, adulation, baseness, covetousness, the thirst for riches, indifference concerning the means of rising and enriching, the contempt of principle, the spirit of party and of faction the motive and principle that governs?"

John Adams, 2nd President of the United States, in a letter to his long-time friend Benjamin Rush, who was not only his physician but the founder of the eponymous rock group, dated 2/6/1805, or 209 years ago today.

(Okay, the part about "the founder of the eponymous rock group" was a vicious lie, but the rest was spot on, for then and, sadly so it seems, for the present day as well. But I promised several of my loyal followers, mainly my daughter, Fred, that I wouldn't comment on politics anymore. Well, maybe occasionally.)

As the leader of an international faith (yes, I am Pope John The Tall, head of the All John All The Time World Church and Currency Exchange; see the explanation at the top of the page for how this travesty came into being), I feel it's my duty to my flock to not only spread the word of the "soothing balm of Johnism", but to keep my finger on the pulse of current events in our world today, and to comment, and hopefully shed light on these sundry mysteries, for the betterment of my dedicated followers.

With that thought in mind, I have gleaned from my readings of the local newspapers and various Internet media outlets a number of items of which I feel the members of the AJATTWC should be aware.

Accordingly, in no apparent order that I can discern:

~Did you know that electricity travels through wires at the rate of 700 MILLION MILES PER HOUR? That's WAY faster than the Speed Of Aroma, a measurement that has been commented upon here in the official AJATTWC blog on quite a few occasions previously. At that rate, electricity would still take 18 minutes to pass through the drive-up at any McDonalds, anywhere. (FYI, I learned this bit of trivia from a Jeffery Deaver novel I'm currently reading, literature being a huge source of scientific data for me.)

~The Denver Broncos were the victims of a botched snap from their starting center, Manny Ramirez, on the first play from scrimmage of Super Bowl XXLVGQPRS (and the game was essentially over at that point), and I have to think that choosing an almost 41-year old ex-baseball player and proven abuser of PEDs for your offensive line has to be asking for trouble; John Fox, what were you thinking?

Hang on, the Popephone is ringing...

"PJTT"..."hey, Mike, what's up?"..."oh, that's not the same Manny Ramirez?"..."oh"..."yeah, okay, I better change that"..."yeah, thanks, almost slobbered a bibful there, didn't I?"..."yeah, you too, see you later."

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one that went to North Carolina); he tells me that the Manny Ramirez who plays for the Broncos isn't the same misguided cretin who screwed up his chances to get into the baseball Hall Of Fame and totally embarrassed himself at the end of his career Manny Ramirez.

Sorry; okay, moving on...

~I called a doctor's office last week for an initial appointment, needing to establish a new physician for myself, having returned recently to the frigid climes of Northern Illinois from the warm and sunny San Fernando Valley area of L.A. The young lady who answered the phone was very nice and very professional, but after I explained that I was a new patient, the first question she asked me was whether or not I have health insurance. Not how did you learn about Dr. X, or how did you come to call our office, just, can you pay? And I thought to myself, Pope, whatever happened to the Hippopotamus Oath that doctors must swear to uphold when they complete medical school? Where does it talk about, get the money info before giving treatment, huh? Geez.

~40 kids at a Utah elementary school had their lunches taken away earlier this week and were given a piece of fruit and a carton of milk as a replacement after lunchroom employees of the school district determined that the 40 children didn't have sufficient money in their "lunch accounts" to pay for the meal. Nice work, Utah school staffers; I personally appreciate how you're guarding our tax dollars (even though I don't, and wouldn't, live in Utah, the home of a lake named after a condiment and a religion whose guardian angel is named "Moroni", which is Italian for "we need to increase contributions"), by ensuring that no innocent, hungry child gets away with cheating the system for a free meal.

~A poll in the "What Do You Think?" portion of the website MSN.com posed the question recently, "Should Justin Bieber Be Deported To Canada?" The results were as follows:

-86% (EIGHTY-SIX PERCENT) responded with a resounding "Yes"

-5% thought he was "valued here" (drug-sellers, apparently)

-3% said they were "not sure" and

-6% asked "who is Justin Beiber?"

One can only hope. (By the way, all of the above is true; I didn't make up any of it, and I'm not above occasionally "inventing" facts, if it serves my purpose.)

~A lawsuit was brought in federal court last month by a resident of Cincinnati OH, Amy Herbst, and her husband, former Army Staff Sgt. James Herbst, alleging that a botched episiotomy performed on Ms. Herbst during the birth of their son at a military hospital caused her to suffer "incontinence" and "excessive gas", and that the uncontrolled flatulence has rendered her unable to continue as a mezzo-soprano for the Nashville Opera Company, where she has been a member of the ensemble since 2012. The couple is seeking $2.5 million in damages and costs. What was most striking to me about this article was the fact that Nashville has an opera company other than The Grand Ol'. I'm also thinking this gives new meaning to the phrase "singing from your diaphragm".

~I cannot help but think that there are a goodly number of you, oh dedicated followers of your Pope, that have thirsted your entire lives to obtain the knowledge of how to make a paper airplane fly continuously. Since I see it as one of my duties as your spiritual leader to help satisfy desires such as these, please see the link below (below) for an explanation of how to achieve this pinochle of aeronautical success.

You may thank me later. 

http://msnvideo.msn.com/?channelindex=2&from=en-us_msnhpvidmod#/video/2280b720-879b-41f2-b88b-43ca7f723195 (paper airplane)

~And lastly, and not a moment too soon I'm sure, speaking of Justin Bieber, and I'd really rather not, here is "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's remarks on how he would handle the current Bieber controversies. 

https://vine.co/v/MzOmgv3TYtT

Love and miscellany,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.