As with almost any non-homogenous group of people, it becomes necessary periodically to broadcast, publish or otherwise announce the various and sundry events that are to take place within the social circles of said non-homogenous group, as well as keeping the group informed of any and all activities that effect the core reason for their organization.
In other words, its time for the All John All The Time World Church to publish it's monthly announcements. Ladies and gentleman (that should cover most of you), I give you this month's edition of:
The AJATTWC NO BULLetin.
*Special Thanks/"Johner Of The Month"*
Your Pope Guy (that would be me) receives emails, texts, letters and even an occasional smoke signal, asking for advice, making comments on Church activities, making death threats, soliciting money, (hey, we're a church, that's OUR job), or just saying how much they appreciate our efforts here at the AJATTWC and to keep up the good work.
But I wanted to take time to thank one faithful follower in particular who has sent several inspiring comments to your Pope Dude, expressing how much he likes the message of the soothing balm of Johnism, and how much he would really like to have a child with either myself or the Harley Dog, preferably Harley since he's considerably better looking.
So, starting this month, and continuing until I get sick of doing it, each month I will name a "Johner Of The Month", as a special recognition to some faithful follower of mine who has gone the extra mile, given 110%, won one for the Gipper, the guy (or gal) who has given his/her all (especially in the collection basket) to promote the soothing balm of Johnism.
This month's award of the AJATTWC'S "Johner Of The Month" goes to...drumroll please...Mr. Jeff Guy of Somewhere, America. There he is, way back there in the back, stand up, Jeff, and let the folks see you.
Now I have no idea who Jeff Guy is, but he reads the Pope regularly, and has sent me several messages telling me that a) he likes the Pope and b) that he thinks the Pope is pretty funny, which mostly tells you all you need to know about Jeff's taste in humor columnists. (Calling myself a "humor columnist" is like calling the Chicago Cubs a baseball team; it overstates the matter by a factor of gazillions.)
Jeff recently was gracious enough to comment on a post I wrote, involving the AJATTWC's search for a new Head Nun, as well as the various "habits" we are considering for our newly created religious community, the Sisters Of The Society Of Our Lady Of The Holy Fundament. Here's what Jeff had to say:
"Laughed my ass off at that Miley Cyrus/whore of Babylon thing. Love the pics. I'll take the church of Playboy & Hooters any day."
My kind of guy.
So here's to you, Jeff Guy, wherever you are in America: you are the June 2011 "Johner Of The Month". This award and a five-dollar bill will get you a Mocha Frappachino Baked Alaska Camshaft Tall Latte at any participating Starbucks.
Oh, Jeff, by the way, your wife called; she said to tell you that you're not funny.
*Men's/Women's Clubs Combined Baseball Outing*
Sister Clair Voyant was able to snap the above pic at our recent Men's/Women's Clubs Combined Baseball Outing, which took place, for those of you who had the good sense to stay home that day, on Whitsuntide last week, and as you can obviously see from the photo, everyone had a good time and that Sister Merrily Werollalong, who's shown making the catch of a foul-ball in the stands, hasn't quite lost all the weight she gained from when she had little Merritt Lee. And isn't that adorable; little Merritt even had his own little batting helmet. Nice catch, Merrily; you go gurl!
(Do the Cubs know about this lady? She has to be an improvement over that sack of ball peen hammers Alfonso Soriano; hell, Merritt would even be a big upgrade.)
*Nutrition/Fund-Raising News*
Our Women's Club President, Sister Bea Wildered, has asked that we let everyone in the Church know about our new fund-raising activity, which will be selling a new product that was recently introduced by Mark One Foods, the Candwich (see picture below).
Inside the can are “shelf-stable bread” and sandwich fixings including a squeezable packet of peanut butter and another of jelly -- plus a small piece of taffy for dessert. Ooh, sounds yummy, don't you think?
We're hoping to move several million cases of the Candwich to raise funds for the building of the new AJATTWC's Jimi Hendrix Memorial Gymnasium and Recording Studio. Please let Sister Bea know how many cases she can put you down for, and let's get out there in the neighborhood and move those PB&Js!
*Lecture Scheduled*
The eminent medical scholar and amateur sword-swallower, Dr. Charles Horse, will present a lecture in the Church Meeting Hall next Tuesday evening entitled "Anorgasmia: The Meg Ryan 'When Harry Met Sally' Approach". Our Church President, Brother Hugh Moungus, wanted everyone to know that he has personally seen Dr. Horse's presentation previously, and that he urges all Church members, especially all our special Sisters in the soothing balm of Johnism, to attend. "Both the men and the women of the AJATTWC can learn a lot about Anorgasmia, and how to deal with it, from Charley's, excuse me, I mean, from Dr. Horse's lecture," Hugh said. Please mark this one on your colander, folks.
*Tour Announced*
Although all the details have yet to be worked out, the Bored Of Elders of the AJATTWC has decided to send our beloved Pope, John The Tall (and rakishly handsome), on a nationwide tour in the late summer this year, tentatively titled The Party With The Pope Dude tour, to spread the message of the soothing balm of Johnism. Accompanying the Pope on his proposed 500 city, 750 night tour will be his companion and back-up navigator when they're onboard the Pope's atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, the Harley Dog, and the Pope's consigliore and right-hand man, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one that did the McDonald's ads with Larry Bird). We'll have more details in next month's NO BULLetin. Go Pope. Oh yes, and for those of you who haven't already done so, you can check out the Pope's latest video message, The Pope John Cheer, at:
*Prayer Requests*
Dr. Bill O'Lading, the Director of the Church's in-house think tank, the Center For The Serious Consideration Of Weighty Matters, has asked that all members of the Church please remember our economy in their prayers. Dr. O'Lading also asked that special prayers be offered to ensure we don't elect another douche-bag like George W. Bush in next year's election.
*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*
The Bored Of Elders of the Church asks that you patronize the local merchants who so willingly support our activities.
-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law
"No case, nor fee, is too small; we're in it for the dough."
www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com
-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor
"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"
227 North Bondage Ave.
-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"
Visit us at www.labeautiful.com
All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:
-breast augmentation
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-male breast ("moobs") reduction
-hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")
-facelift
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Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin
Free Limo Service with qualified procedures
(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)
Love and hymnals,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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