The Ectasy Of Hickory And The Agony Of The Feet

"O wonder!

How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world!

That has such people in it!"

(From a speech by the character 'Miranda' in Shakespeare's The Tempest, Act V, Scene 1.)

I recently received an email from Strudel Boy, you know, the OTHER pope, over there in Rome; he was going on about how excited he was to see the CARDINALS in the World Series this year, and how unfortunate it was that the ANGELS were not represented. (Please keep in mind, SB comes from Europe, and their idea of big-time athletic competition is soccer. Yes, that's right, fans, soccer, the sports world's answer to the question of how best to treat insomnia.)

So I responded, and pointed out to him that, in this instance, CARDINALS refers to the red bird, not the Princes of the Church, as they're known. (Here at the All John All The Time World Church, we don't have "Princes"; all we have is me, your all-time favorite Pope Guy, and the Harley Dog. That's it. That's all we need to be a quick-responding, ready in any spiritual emergency EMT (Emergency Missionary Technician) team.)

I also pointed out to him that the ANGELS he was referring to were from Los Angeles of Anaheim, and were not the denizens of Heaven as he thought them to be, and that based on the way they played during the 2011 season, there was very little likelihood that any of the members of the team would see the inside of Paradise any time soon.

Anyway, SB, the Cardinals will prevail, in seven games, over the heathen Rangers from the great, heathen state of Texas, and all will be right with the Wide World Of Sports again. (Now, if the Bears can figure a way to win the Super Bowl, things would really be headed in the right direction.)

There must be something to this connection between religion and sports, other than how often the word "goddammit" is heard on the playing field; Tim Tebow, after engineering a come-from-behind win for the Denver Broncos in his first start at quarterback this past Sunday, thanked his personal Savior Jesus for the win, and the other night, in the Cards huge blowout victory over the Rangers 16-7 in Game Three of the WS, Albert Pujols hit three (as in 3) homeruns in that game, and made a "thanks much, appreciate the help" gesture to heaven as he crossed home plate each time.

"Lord willing", or "the Good Lord smiled on us today" or "I made a pact with Satan to get this win", wait, that really doesn't fit here, forget that one, or "I'm going to Disney World", boy, lot's of praying and beseeching going on just to score more points (or less, depending on the sport) than the other guy, who presumably is asking God for His help for his team at the same time.

Do you think that God might be a sports fan? I mean, why not? We already know he has a wonderful sense of the absurd (see: platypus, armadillo, Rick Perry, Republicans, the NBA and Rosie O'Donnell), so why couldn't he be an athletic supporter?

Yeah, okay, it sounds like a pretty dumb idea to me, too.

And speaking of great ideas, (we weren't, but it seemed like a good segue, which, when you consider how seldom I use segues, ought to earn your Pope Dude a few props, okay?), please check out the video below (down); I love these things.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfcNoMnKjrY

Again.

This headline just in: the Chicago Cubs, in a last ditch effort to try and attain SOME relevance, hired former Boston Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein as their new GM. I guess they felt that was as close to God as they would be able to get, without making any REALLY long-term commitments. (Theo signed for five years at about 90 bajillion dollars per.)

Okay, so who will give me even money on what happens first; the end of Theo's five-year deal, or a World Series win for the Cubs? (I'm taking the end of the deal.)

So maybe there is something to this connection between the Almighty and major-league sports; the Cubs winning a World Series?

Yeah, that would qualify as a miracle.

Love and batting helmets,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs Inc.

Monkey Business

Due to security considerations, the Bored Of Elders of the All John All The Time World Church has never allowed a picture of your Pope Guy to be released previously; according to my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan, (no, not the one who owns the Charlotte Bobcats), the Bored was further concerned with possibility that a photo of me, once in the hands of the public, could not only be a security risk, but might also be used by unscrupulous persons to scare small children.

But after working on them for the last few weeks, they finally relented and allowed me to release to my adoring followers a picture of myself, suitable for framing, so that anyone who so chooses might enjoy the comfort and solace of having the walls in their home graced with the pleasing aspect of their Pope, smiling down on them in their day to day lives.

WARNING:

THE SEGUE THAT SHOULD APPEAR IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS SENTENCE HAS BEEN REMOVED. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.

There was an article on MSN.com the other day, an interview with Mr. "1950's Attitudes Towards Women", Hugh Hefner. Seems like Hugh is a little perplexed, and not a slight bit wounded by his recent jilting by former fiance, Crystal Harris, who cancelled their walk down the aisle just a week before the media event was to take place. (Just for the record, Ms. Harris is a youngish 26 years of age, compared to Hefner's mere 85. FYI, and let this rattle around in your brain for a moment, but Hefner was born in 1926. That's correct, opera lovers, Nineteen Twenty Six.)

(Three tortoises at the L.A. Zoo just dropped dead from shock.)

So Crystal found true love with somebody else, huh, Hef? Maybe somebody less than SIX DECADES older than she is, I don't know, maybe someone who wasn't born BEFORE the Stock Market Crash of '29.

I'm sorry to gloat, but it sure looks like a textbook case of being "hoist on your own petard" there, Hugh. And for all the women who were ever screwed over by this douchebag, this one's for you, gurls.

Oh, yeah, the picture above isn't me (I have a lot less hair); no, that's a "self-portrait" done by the animal after being given a digital camera by photographer David Slater; Slater has a whole slew of these photos in his portfolio. (I just wanna' know one thing; how does he get the camera back from the animal?)

Now I don't normally write a "post" on Sundays, agreeing with the thinking of the Creator that Sunday should be a day of rest and watching sports on TV, unless you're watching the Cubs, which shouldn't be under the heading "Sports", but rather under "Comedy" in the TV Guide.

But I felt compelled to provide my faithful followers with at least a brief message with the soothing balm of Johnism, especially if you consider that I haven't written a new post since 7/13. ("Laziness" was NOT one of the Beatitudes: "Blessed are the lazy, for while they accomplish little, they're well rested".)

I wasn't really busy with other matters, or at least not too busy to write a new post, but you know, I just didn't want to. Hey, I can be petulant, I'm human, too. Sometimes, I just don't feel like it.

But knowing how so many of you hang on my very words, look to me for guidance, for solace, for comfort, for the words that will make the message of the soothing balm of Johnism clear and accessible to all of you, I just couldn't shirk my duties any longer.

It's an enormous responsibility, a tremendous burden...and it's all mine.

Dodgers/D-backs today, from the warm, temperate climes of Phoenix AZ (temperature outside at game time yesterday, which was 5:00pm local, was 104; Chase Field, where the Diamondbacks play, is a domed, air-conditioned stadium, which I suspect was NOT what Abner Doubleday, the guy who invented baseball, had in mind when he started his book-publishing business); should be a good one, even with the Boys In Blue struggling the way they are currently.

Hey, baseball is our national pastime, don't forget, despite what the Kardashians believe to the contrary.

Oh, the "soothing balm of Johnism" thing?

Hell, I'll get back to that tomorrow; today, I have a baseball game to watch and maybe later the Harley Dog and I will take a nice, long and leisurely walk. That'll give HD an opportunity to make some new friends.

It's all about priorities, right?

Hey, Hef, sounds like Crystal had her "priorities" in line, whatta' think?

Love, baseball and matrimony, not in that order,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

The July 2011 NO BULLetin

"When in the course of human events it becomes...", wait, that's not how I wanted to open today's post.

Let's try that again.

As is the case once every month, more or less, it's time for the All John All The Time World Church's "NO BULLetin", which this month is chock-full of all kinds of interesting and important announcements and news for all you loyal followers of your Pope Dude, John The Tall (and incredibly smart). I've got so many items to bring you this month that I think I should get started right away. (What, you thought I would tell you about the bulletin and then not let you read it? What is that?)

*Men's/Women's Club Ball Game Outing Cancelled*

            As you can see from the picture above, taken at the ballpark by Brother Al Berkerke, the exhibition baseball game that had been scheduled between our local team, the Barnville Buttwads and the visiting Chicago Cubs, which the Men's and Women's clubs were supposed to attend in a combined Church outing, had to be cancelled just prior to the game.

            I don't want to say the Cubs are bad, but that's their won-loss record coming into town just ahead of them.

            Brother Justin Tyme suggested that we see a basketball game for our next outing. (Yeah, anybody but the Miami Hate.)

*AJATTWC Now Has BINGO*

            That's right, followers of the Pope Guy, the AJATTWC will now host a weekly Bingo game, to be held in the Church Meeting Hall, every Whitsuntide evening at 45:03lm. Prizes will be awarded and refreshments will be served afterwards.

            So come on down to the Church Hall next Whitsuntide and get in on the fun; there will be a grand prize for the evening's top winner of $535 Gazillion, (from which a small honorarium to your Pope, say of 1/2, would be appropriate), and there will be other prizes, and a raffle for a door prize as well. (Windows will be available to those of you who don't need a door.)

            Sister Rosemary Enthyme is in charge of refreshments and asks that anyone who would like to bring a dish to please contact her. (Bringing something in the dish would be super too.)

*Announcing the "JOHNER OF THE MONTH"*

            Due to her steadfast support of your Pope and his ministry, (not to mention the donation to the Church of $6.32), the AJATTWC is pleased to announce that...

Marlo Bernier of

Sherman Oaks CA

...is the "Johner Of The Month" for July 2011, and as such will receive a small, boiler-plate certificate that proclaims the above to the uncaring world. That and 5 bucks will get her a Mocha Frappacinno Cinnamon Latte Camshaft Ertle Vente at Starbuck's.

            Nice going, Marlo!

*Softball Team Tryouts*

            Anyone interested in joining the AJATTWC Co-Ed Softball Team should sign-up for try-outs in the church office before Schnootday, 7/56. Brother Painin Guerrier will be organizing the team, and plans to manage as well, and says that the team will be competing in the Midwest/All Galactic Church Softball League and PAC, and will play a schedule of 162 games this year, with playoff and championship rounds at the end of the regular season, and then will undertake campaign fund-raising activities for ANYONE other than Sarah Plain And Loud.

            All players must have their own glove and "cup", (women as well) and Brother G, you can stop bragging about needing a "24-ouncer" for yours.

*Concert In The Church Hall*

            Next Arborday, 7/.6, the Church will host a concert in the Church Meeting Hall, featuring the Hornwater Doo Dah Band from South Wales and North Dolphins; the band features lead singer Mike "How's Your Sister And Your Wife? She's Fine" Krophone, and they will be performing, amongst other selections, their recent hit, "Do It To Me Again, Without The Hammer This Time".

            Tickets are $9632.00 each, and can be purchased in advance by seeing Sister Holly Woode in the Church office, or can be purchased at the door on the night of the concert.

            Come on out and let's have an old-fashioned orgy, err, good time.

*Women's Club Bake Sale*

            There is no Bake Sale scheduled at this time; however, there has never been a NO BULLetin that didn't contain an announcement for a "Women's Club Bake Sale", and I didn't want to disappoint anyone.

*Think Tank Report*

            The AJATTWC-sponsored think tank, the Center For The Serious Consideration Of Weighty Matters, has released their monthly "progress" report, according to Center director, Dr. Bill O'Lading.

            According to the report, the Center is currently engaged in a study of long-term dating among singles in today's fast-paced, social network-ruled world, and Dr. O'Lading says that, as part of this study, his researchers at the Center have discovered a pick-up line that works with 100% effectiveness.

            An experiment was conducted by Center personnel, in which a researcher, who is closely monitored off-site by specially-installed video cameras and hidden microphones, approaches an attractive woman in a single's bar and asks, "Excuse me, but I wonder if I could ask you your opinion; does this cloth smell like chloroform?"

As we noted above, Dr. O'Lading's staff reports 100% effectiveness, using this method.

I'm sure the entire congregation and staff here at the AJATTWC, as well as myself, would like to offer Dr. O'Lading and his team a huge hug, and a warm blanket, for their efforts; it's good to see that the donations from you loyal followers of your Popeamundo are being put to good use.

*Teen Club Meeting*

            Sister Brooke Trout, President of the "official" AJATTWC club, "Teen Spleen", tells us that the kids are planning a meeting for next Bastilleday, 7/111, at 15:30 at the home of Teen Club sponsor, Sister Kelly Green, at which time members will discuss and finalize plans to attend the Grand Opening of the new Abercrombie & Fitch store at the local mall. Sister Brooke would like to invite all AJATTWC teens to attend; she says they want a strong turnout for the event so that A&F can have the highest "child exploitation" factor they can achieve at the new store, for which they will then over-charge you for clothes that will last slightly longer than the snow that fell in your yard last January.

            Have fun, kids, and enjoy the propaganda.

*Prayer Requests*

            ~Sister April Showers asks that we remember her father, Brother Possible, who is having surgery next week to have a in-grown head removed;

            ~Brother Stan Enbecounted asks that we remember our President, good ol' BO, and his efforts to be reelected to the White House, the success of which would save us from that bunch of mental giants that the Republicans are thinking of nominating;

            ~Brother Count Urchange asks that we remember his pet iguana, Earl, who died suddenly of an intestinal disorder last week. Funeral arrangements are pending.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

            The Bored Of Elders of the Church asks that you patronize the local merchants who so willingly support our activities, even the goofy ones. (Our goofy activities, not our goofy sponsors.)

-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law

"We're in it for the dough."

            www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com

-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor

"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"

227 North Bondage Ave.

-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"

            Visit us at www.labeautiful.com

            All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:

            -breast augmentation

            -breast lifts

            -male breast ("moobs") reduction

            -hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")

            -facelift

            -tummy tuck

            -and many others

            Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin

            Free Limo Service with qualified procedures

(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)

Love and hymnals,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

The Monthlies (Announcements, That Is)

As with almost any non-homogenous group of people, it becomes necessary periodically to broadcast, publish or otherwise announce the various and sundry events that are to take place within the social circles of said non-homogenous group, as well as keeping the group informed of any and all activities that effect the core reason for their organization.

In other words, its time for the All John All The Time World Church to publish it's monthly announcements. Ladies and gentleman (that should cover most of you), I give you this month's edition of:

The AJATTWC NO BULLetin.

*Special Thanks/"Johner Of The Month"*

            Your Pope Guy (that would be me) receives emails, texts, letters and even an occasional smoke signal, asking for advice, making comments on Church activities, making death threats, soliciting money, (hey, we're a church, that's OUR job), or just saying how much they appreciate our efforts here at the AJATTWC and to keep up the good work.

            But I wanted to take time to thank one faithful follower in particular who has sent several inspiring comments to your Pope Dude, expressing how much he likes the message of the soothing balm of Johnism, and how much he would really like to have a child with either myself or the Harley Dog, preferably Harley since he's considerably better looking.

            So, starting this month, and continuing until I get sick of doing it, each month I will name a "Johner Of The Month", as a special recognition to some faithful follower of mine who has gone the extra mile, given 110%, won one for the Gipper, the guy (or gal) who has given his/her all (especially in the collection basket) to promote the soothing balm of Johnism.

            This month's award of the AJATTWC'S "Johner Of The Month" goes to...drumroll please...Mr. Jeff Guy of Somewhere, America. There he is, way back there in the back, stand up, Jeff, and let the folks see you.

            Now I have no idea who Jeff Guy is, but he reads the Pope regularly, and has sent me several messages telling me that a) he likes the Pope and b) that he thinks the Pope is pretty funny, which mostly tells you all you need to know about Jeff's taste in humor columnists. (Calling myself a "humor columnist" is like calling the Chicago Cubs a baseball team; it overstates the matter by a factor of gazillions.)

Jeff recently was gracious enough to comment on a post I wrote, involving the AJATTWC's search for a new Head Nun, as well as the various "habits" we are considering for our newly created religious community, the Sisters Of The Society Of Our Lady Of The Holy Fundament. Here's what Jeff had to say:

"Laughed my ass off at that Miley Cyrus/whore of Babylon thing. Love the pics. I'll take the church of Playboy & Hooters any day."

My kind of guy.

So here's to you, Jeff Guy, wherever you are in America: you are the June 2011 "Johner Of The Month". This award and a five-dollar bill will get you a Mocha Frappachino Baked Alaska Camshaft Tall Latte at any participating Starbucks.

Oh, Jeff, by the way, your wife called; she said to tell you that you're not funny.

*Men's/Women's Clubs Combined Baseball Outing*

            

            Sister Clair Voyant was able to snap the above pic at our recent Men's/Women's Clubs Combined Baseball Outing, which took place, for those of you who had the good sense to stay home that day, on Whitsuntide last week, and as you can obviously see from the photo, everyone had a good time and that Sister Merrily Werollalong, who's shown making the catch of a foul-ball in the stands, hasn't quite lost all the weight she gained from when she had little Merritt Lee. And isn't that adorable; little Merritt even had his own little batting helmet. Nice catch, Merrily; you go gurl!

            (Do the Cubs know about this lady? She has to be an improvement over that sack of ball peen hammers Alfonso Soriano; hell, Merritt would even be a big upgrade.)

*Nutrition/Fund-Raising News*

            Our Women's Club President, Sister Bea Wildered, has asked that we let everyone in the Church know about our new fund-raising activity, which will be selling a new product that was recently introduced by Mark One Foods, the Candwich (see picture below).

            

            Inside the can are “shelf-stable bread” and sandwich fixings including a squeezable packet of peanut butter and another of jelly -- plus a small piece of taffy for dessert. Ooh, sounds yummy, don't you think?

            We're hoping to move several million cases of the Candwich to raise funds for the building of the new AJATTWC's Jimi Hendrix Memorial Gymnasium and Recording Studio. Please let Sister Bea know how many cases she can put you down for, and let's get out there in the neighborhood and move those PB&Js!

*Lecture Scheduled*

            The eminent medical scholar and amateur sword-swallower, Dr. Charles Horse, will present a lecture in the Church Meeting Hall next Tuesday evening entitled "Anorgasmia: The Meg Ryan 'When Harry Met Sally' Approach". Our Church President, Brother Hugh Moungus, wanted everyone to know that he has personally seen Dr. Horse's presentation previously, and that he urges all Church members, especially all our special Sisters in the soothing balm of Johnism, to attend. "Both the men and the women of the AJATTWC can learn a lot about Anorgasmia, and how to deal with it, from Charley's, excuse me, I mean, from Dr. Horse's lecture," Hugh said. Please mark this one on your colander, folks.

*Tour Announced*

            Although all the details have yet to be worked out, the Bored Of Elders of the AJATTWC has decided to send our beloved Pope, John The Tall (and rakishly handsome), on a nationwide tour in the late summer this year, tentatively titled The Party With The Pope Dude tour, to spread the message of the soothing balm of Johnism. Accompanying the Pope on his proposed 500 city, 750 night tour will be his companion and back-up navigator when they're onboard the Pope's atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, the Harley Dog, and the Pope's consigliore and right-hand man, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one that did the McDonald's ads with Larry Bird). We'll have more details in next month's NO BULLetin. Go Pope. Oh yes, and for those of you who haven't already done so, you can check out the Pope's latest video message, The Pope John Cheer, at:

http://newvideos.xtranormal.com/web_final_hi/a1adfd3c-78a3-11e0-a6c5-003048d6740d_61.mp4

*Prayer Requests*

            Dr. Bill O'Lading, the Director of the Church's in-house think tank, the Center For The Serious Consideration Of Weighty Matters, has asked that all members of the Church please remember our economy in their prayers. Dr. O'Lading also asked that special prayers be offered to ensure we don't elect another douche-bag like George W. Bush in next year's election.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

            The Bored Of Elders of the Church asks that you patronize the local merchants who so willingly support our activities.

-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law

            "No case, nor fee, is too small; we're in it for the dough."

            www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com

-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor

"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"

227 North Bondage Ave.

-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"

                        Visit us at www.labeautiful.com

                        All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:

                        -breast augmentation

                        -breast lifts

                        -male breast ("moobs") reduction

                        -hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")

                        -facelift

                        -tummy tuck

                        -and many others

            Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin

            Free Limo Service with qualified procedures

(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)

Love and hymnals,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.