Why Is It When You Need A Moron, All You Have In Stock Is An Oxymoron?

Couldn't have made this one up if I tried.

As today is the 1st of July, and a Friday, that would mean that the Fourth of July holiday starts, in my book, today. And, like a good little Pope, I was up really early this morning, got all my Pope duties done, and once I blow you guys off, I'm sorry, excuse me, once I finish this VERY short post, the Harley Dog and I are on "4th of July" mode as of the next 10 minutes after that.

Oh, and here's the link that explains the picture above.

http://www.yardbarker.com/soccer/articles/msn/russian_womens_soccer_team_to_play_in_bikinis_to_sell_tickets/5317984?GT1=39002

You know, it had to be Russian women; it couldn't have been Brazilian, or Italian, or even American, no, the first Bikini Soccer Team (I started to write "first WOMAN'S Bikini Soccer Team...and then I thought about it; duh) couldn't be from some country known for the pulchritude of their women, to say nothing of their ambergris, no, it had to come from Russia.

Okay, so how's this for an image you don't want in your head? Remember the female soldier that was supposed to accompany Bruce Willis on his quest for the "Fifth Element", you know, the one that visited him in his apartment with his ex-commander when they told him of the mission, remember her? About 6' 1', 200 pounds, with a shape like the Micheline Tire guy, a bad hairdo and a face that could knock a clock spang off the wall. ("Spang" is a Stephen King word; I hope he won't mind if I borrow it, 'cause it is a great word).

Okay, now think of this paragon of womanly beauty...in a bikini playing for the Russian Woman's Soccer Team.

Now imagine Rosie O'Donnell as a Hooter's waitress, complete with shorts and tight tee-shirt.

Now imagine I'm off until Tuesday.

I know there will be many of you who will need your fix of the "soothing balm of Johnism" over the next few days, and that's why your Pope, PJTT of the All John All the Time World Church, has generously provided you with archives of all my messages. (Stage right --->) Check'em out when you have a moment, or any time you feel the need for my words of peace and harmony. (My first guitar was a Harmony.)

Enjoy your holiday, and please be safe, and mostly, behave yourselves; I won't be available to take all the calls for bail money.

Love and fireworks,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

The Monthlies (Announcements, That Is)

As with almost any non-homogenous group of people, it becomes necessary periodically to broadcast, publish or otherwise announce the various and sundry events that are to take place within the social circles of said non-homogenous group, as well as keeping the group informed of any and all activities that effect the core reason for their organization.

In other words, its time for the All John All The Time World Church to publish it's monthly announcements. Ladies and gentleman (that should cover most of you), I give you this month's edition of:

The AJATTWC NO BULLetin.

*Special Thanks/"Johner Of The Month"*

            Your Pope Guy (that would be me) receives emails, texts, letters and even an occasional smoke signal, asking for advice, making comments on Church activities, making death threats, soliciting money, (hey, we're a church, that's OUR job), or just saying how much they appreciate our efforts here at the AJATTWC and to keep up the good work.

            But I wanted to take time to thank one faithful follower in particular who has sent several inspiring comments to your Pope Dude, expressing how much he likes the message of the soothing balm of Johnism, and how much he would really like to have a child with either myself or the Harley Dog, preferably Harley since he's considerably better looking.

            So, starting this month, and continuing until I get sick of doing it, each month I will name a "Johner Of The Month", as a special recognition to some faithful follower of mine who has gone the extra mile, given 110%, won one for the Gipper, the guy (or gal) who has given his/her all (especially in the collection basket) to promote the soothing balm of Johnism.

            This month's award of the AJATTWC'S "Johner Of The Month" goes to...drumroll please...Mr. Jeff Guy of Somewhere, America. There he is, way back there in the back, stand up, Jeff, and let the folks see you.

            Now I have no idea who Jeff Guy is, but he reads the Pope regularly, and has sent me several messages telling me that a) he likes the Pope and b) that he thinks the Pope is pretty funny, which mostly tells you all you need to know about Jeff's taste in humor columnists. (Calling myself a "humor columnist" is like calling the Chicago Cubs a baseball team; it overstates the matter by a factor of gazillions.)

Jeff recently was gracious enough to comment on a post I wrote, involving the AJATTWC's search for a new Head Nun, as well as the various "habits" we are considering for our newly created religious community, the Sisters Of The Society Of Our Lady Of The Holy Fundament. Here's what Jeff had to say:

"Laughed my ass off at that Miley Cyrus/whore of Babylon thing. Love the pics. I'll take the church of Playboy & Hooters any day."

My kind of guy.

So here's to you, Jeff Guy, wherever you are in America: you are the June 2011 "Johner Of The Month". This award and a five-dollar bill will get you a Mocha Frappachino Baked Alaska Camshaft Tall Latte at any participating Starbucks.

Oh, Jeff, by the way, your wife called; she said to tell you that you're not funny.

*Men's/Women's Clubs Combined Baseball Outing*

            

            Sister Clair Voyant was able to snap the above pic at our recent Men's/Women's Clubs Combined Baseball Outing, which took place, for those of you who had the good sense to stay home that day, on Whitsuntide last week, and as you can obviously see from the photo, everyone had a good time and that Sister Merrily Werollalong, who's shown making the catch of a foul-ball in the stands, hasn't quite lost all the weight she gained from when she had little Merritt Lee. And isn't that adorable; little Merritt even had his own little batting helmet. Nice catch, Merrily; you go gurl!

            (Do the Cubs know about this lady? She has to be an improvement over that sack of ball peen hammers Alfonso Soriano; hell, Merritt would even be a big upgrade.)

*Nutrition/Fund-Raising News*

            Our Women's Club President, Sister Bea Wildered, has asked that we let everyone in the Church know about our new fund-raising activity, which will be selling a new product that was recently introduced by Mark One Foods, the Candwich (see picture below).

            

            Inside the can are “shelf-stable bread” and sandwich fixings including a squeezable packet of peanut butter and another of jelly -- plus a small piece of taffy for dessert. Ooh, sounds yummy, don't you think?

            We're hoping to move several million cases of the Candwich to raise funds for the building of the new AJATTWC's Jimi Hendrix Memorial Gymnasium and Recording Studio. Please let Sister Bea know how many cases she can put you down for, and let's get out there in the neighborhood and move those PB&Js!

*Lecture Scheduled*

            The eminent medical scholar and amateur sword-swallower, Dr. Charles Horse, will present a lecture in the Church Meeting Hall next Tuesday evening entitled "Anorgasmia: The Meg Ryan 'When Harry Met Sally' Approach". Our Church President, Brother Hugh Moungus, wanted everyone to know that he has personally seen Dr. Horse's presentation previously, and that he urges all Church members, especially all our special Sisters in the soothing balm of Johnism, to attend. "Both the men and the women of the AJATTWC can learn a lot about Anorgasmia, and how to deal with it, from Charley's, excuse me, I mean, from Dr. Horse's lecture," Hugh said. Please mark this one on your colander, folks.

*Tour Announced*

            Although all the details have yet to be worked out, the Bored Of Elders of the AJATTWC has decided to send our beloved Pope, John The Tall (and rakishly handsome), on a nationwide tour in the late summer this year, tentatively titled The Party With The Pope Dude tour, to spread the message of the soothing balm of Johnism. Accompanying the Pope on his proposed 500 city, 750 night tour will be his companion and back-up navigator when they're onboard the Pope's atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, the Harley Dog, and the Pope's consigliore and right-hand man, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one that did the McDonald's ads with Larry Bird). We'll have more details in next month's NO BULLetin. Go Pope. Oh yes, and for those of you who haven't already done so, you can check out the Pope's latest video message, The Pope John Cheer, at:

http://newvideos.xtranormal.com/web_final_hi/a1adfd3c-78a3-11e0-a6c5-003048d6740d_61.mp4

*Prayer Requests*

            Dr. Bill O'Lading, the Director of the Church's in-house think tank, the Center For The Serious Consideration Of Weighty Matters, has asked that all members of the Church please remember our economy in their prayers. Dr. O'Lading also asked that special prayers be offered to ensure we don't elect another douche-bag like George W. Bush in next year's election.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

            The Bored Of Elders of the Church asks that you patronize the local merchants who so willingly support our activities.

-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law

            "No case, nor fee, is too small; we're in it for the dough."

            www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com

-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor

"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"

227 North Bondage Ave.

-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"

                        Visit us at www.labeautiful.com

                        All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:

                        -breast augmentation

                        -breast lifts

                        -male breast ("moobs") reduction

                        -hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")

                        -facelift

                        -tummy tuck

                        -and many others

            Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin

            Free Limo Service with qualified procedures

(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)

Love and hymnals,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

There's Hope For The Next Generation

Ring...ring...ri

"...PJTT...hey, hey, Quinn, how you doin'? I haven't heard from you since that Girl Scout cookie fiasco last year, what's new, buddy?...yeah...yeah...hey, so what's new in the legal world?...no shit...hey, how's Octavia?...great...she still pissed?...yeah, I'll bet...so what's up, what can your Pope do for you?"

As the Supreme Commander of the Galaxy, I am in charge now, wait, that's the wrong title, hang on...okay, here we go:

As the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church, I have the opportunity to meet all sorts of interesting people, and many space aliens as well. One of my favorite "meetings" was with a young man from Chicago named Quinn Tupletts, an attorney by profession, and a slightly crazy guy by disposition. We met some years ago at a Hooters Bikini Girl Contest out in San Diego; I was there representing the AJATTWC (no, really) and Quinn was there, acting as agent for one of the contestants, a young lady with two rather remarkable claims to fame: a) well, let's just say that her bra size needed more letters than numbers and b) her name was Rub Meallova. (The "Rub" was short for Ruby; nice girl.) It was an interesting three days.

Anyway, Quinn is a judge now and behaves himself. Mostly.

He's married to great gal as well; her name is Octavia (we all call her Oc for short), and she's a three-handed Scklorn Mutant from the Anopholes Nebulae (no she's not) and her fun-loving husband and I had an occasion some years ago, at a 4th of July backyard barbeque/gerbil golf tournament, to have some fun with the lovely Ms. Tupletts.

It all started when Quinn bet me 5 bucks that I couldn't roll a quarter off my forehead, down my nose and into a funnel tucked into the front of my pants. (Ever have Vodka Lemonade Slushes? You know, a quart of Stoly, three drops of lemonade and crushed ice to taste, right? Ever had one of those? Yeah? Then you know why this was happening.) That we were in collusion prior to the bet is an important factor to remember later in this story.

So I pulled a quarter out from behind Harley's ear, (see pic -->) which he hates, because he can't figure out how I do it, and Oc went in the garage and came back with a 6" funnel. I placed the business end of the funnel in the waistband of my surplice (hey, I'm the Pope Dude, remember?), and the game began.

I stood back from the crowd, tilted my head back, rested the quarter on my forehead just above my nose, took a downward glance for aim, and let'er rip.

First try, nothin' but net.

The lovely Ms. Oc was watching all this with some fascination (she also was suffering from the effects of SEVERAL Vodka Lemonade Slushes), and as her scheming husband and I had predicted, within seconds of my digging the quarter out of my pants (I asked for volunteers to assist me but got no takers; wait 'til that bunch tries to get into heaven, hah.), Oc says, "Hey, let me try that." (Thank you, P.T. Barnum; there's one born every minute.)

So I handed Oc the quarter and the funnel, explained the rules again (no hands, no body English and no iguanas) and bade her good luck. She positioned the funnel properly down the front of her shorts, set the quarter on her forehead and...

...while Oc and I had been talking and getting her ready for her attempt at coin-rolling immortality, with of course the enthusiastic support of the 12 or so other drunken revelers in the backyard, Quinn had walked quietly over to the "refreshment" table and grabbed the metal pail we had been using to chill some beers. It was your standard, everyday "metal pail with handle", and it was about two-thirds full of ice and melted ice. (That would be very cold water. And no beers.) So Quinn, equipped with the aforesaid bucket, snuck around from behind Oc, and...

...just before she could release the quarter, he stepped up and calmly dumped the entire contents of the bucket into the funnel.

Needless to say, the reaction was immediate and violent. Now you understand why I asked Quinn if Octavia was "still pissed" back there in the first paragraph.

Full disclosure: this all happened prior to my becoming the Pope of the AJATTWC.

"I heard an interesting case last week, a divorce/custody case involving a little eight-year old boy from Berwyn," he told me, and I could tell by his tone of voice he wanted me to ask.

So I did.

"Okay, what's so special about that?"

"Well, it was a custody battle between these two goofballs who were the parents of this poor kid. The kid didn't want to be with either one of them, and they were fighting over him just to be assholes."

"So I get everybody in court last week, and the lawyers start arguing and the parents are pointing fingers and I finally said, enough, and I had the bailiffs escort the parents out of the courtroom. When they were gone, I had the bailiff bring the little boy up to bench, and sat him in the witness chair."

"I said, 'Mikey, where would you like to live, with your Mommy or your Daddy?'"

"Mikey kind of shrugged his shoulders and didn't say anything."

"'How about with Mommy?' I asked him."

"He looked up at me on the bench and said, 'No, my Mommy beats me.'"

"Now everyone in the courtroom knew that this statement wasn't true; the child had never been harmed by either parent. But I decided to play along with him."

"'Okay, Mikey, how about if we send you with your Daddy then? How would that be?'"

"'No, Judge,' he says, 'please not with my Daddy, he beats me too.' Mikey let a small tear roll down his cheek as he told me this."

"Now I thought maybe the father was the final choice, when Mikey told me about his mother; now I'm not sure where I'm going. I think what he really wanted was to go back to his grandmother's."

"'Okay, Mikey, I'm sorry, but you can't go back to Grandma's, and you don't want to go with your Mommy because you say she beats you, and you don't want to go with your Daddy because you say that he beats you. Mikey, where do you want to go, please tell me?'"

"And so help me, Pope, he sat and thought about it for a long moment, then he looked up at me and got this real solemn look on his face."

"'Judge,' he says, 'I want to go with the Chicago Cubs. They don't beat anybody.'"

"I tried for several minutes to get the courtroom back in order, then I finally gave up and adjourned for the day. Mikey is still with his Grandmother for the moment. She's a White Sox fan."

He swore to me that it was a true story; I think I got hosed.

Love and homeruns,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

Dah...Dah...Dah...DAH...Announcing...More Announcements

Hey, its your Pope Guy here, and guess what? The All John All The Time World Church, just like other churches, has to occasionally make announcements so that the followers of the Pope can keep up with all the events and news of the AJATTWC. In no particular order, other than as they occur to me:

*International Pi Day Celebration*

            A number of AJATTWC members have decided to have a belated get-together here in the Church Meeting Hall, to celebrate International Pi Day, which unfortunately has already passed, having taken place on March 14th, although we didn't know about it at the time; hence, a belated celebration on Monday evening, 3/58, at 7:894pm.

            "Pi", as you might remember from your high school geometry class, is the "expression of a circle's circumference to its diameter". The actual number that Pi represents is generally calculated as 3.14, but the true value of Pi cannot be expressed, as the number has infinite decimal points, leading to such expressions of Pi as 3.1456932531582477965821251449875569453687541231841899599584472365821 (plus tax, title and license).

            Why the world had to have a day of celebration for a mathematical expression is pretty much beyond me, but several Church members "expressed" interest, so there you are. A short film, "The Secret Life Of A 'Pi' Freak" will be shown, a discussion of the film will follow and refreshments will be served afterwards; we're told Sister June Wedding is in charge of the goodies, which will include pizza, apple, and cherry "Pi's". Those of you who would like to attend please contact Brother Al Toona.

*Fund Raiser For The Home For The Chronically Bewildered*

            Our AJATTWC in-house charity, The Home For The Chronically Bewildered, is once again in need of our help in raising money to fund its charitable activities, and has asked the Church members to please generously support, with your donations of money and time, this year's fund-raising event, which will take place over the next three weekends (3/36 through 3/38, 4/62 through 4/985 and the final weekend of 4/9.5 through 4/9.6).

            This year's fund-raising activity will be the door-to-door sale of Electric Baton Shock/Tricky Toy, which is a marvelous gift for anyone with a REALLY screwed-up sense of humor.

            The EBSTT is shaped just like the real "Tasor" that most law enforcement agencies use today to quell and subdue unruly citizens; the EBSTT only produces 3.6 volts of electricity, however, unlike the thousands of volts generated by a real Tasor, but will still give a harmless, but attention-grabbing, shock to (and probably scare the bejesus out of) an unsuspecting person. Best of all, the EBSTT has a powerful built-in flashlight as well.

            This is a great birthday or Christmas gift for that "hard-to-find-something-for-that's-either-legal-or-moral" person on your list, and the retailer of this handy item, FocalPrice, has agreed to give us a special quantity discount so we can market the Electric Baton at the attractive price of just $29.95/each.

            Please see Brother Bill Ding about volunteering.

*Ladies Of The AJATTWC Annual Bake Sale*

            Speaking of fund-raising, the Ladies Club of the AJATTWC will hold its Annual Bake Sale next Sunday afternoon, 3/59, here in the Church Meeting Hall. This year's goal is $1,235,263.54, of which $5000.00 will be used to purchase new hymnals for the Church, and the balance to go to the Pope's Discretionary Fund, to be used as the Pope Guy deems necessary (can you say "new Porsche"?). FYI, the hymnal the Ladies Club has decided to purchase for the Church, with the approval of the Bored of Elders, is the latest version of the New American Hymnal and Racing Form, published by those same wacky folks that recently gave you the REALLY New American Bible.

            Please contact Sister Sue Indians for details about donating baked goods for the sale.

*"Book Worms" To Review New Hagar Book*

            The AJATTWC Book Worms Book Club will hold their bi-monthly meeting this month at the home of Brother Bill O'Lading and his lovely wife, Sister Penny Loafers. The group will review and discuss the new book by rock "legend" (in his own mind) and former Van Halen lead singer Sammy Hagar, "Red: My Uncensored Life In Rock", wherein Hagar reminisces about various topics from his time as a minimally-talented, mostly clueless "rock star", such as being abducted by space aliens and describing "how the beings tapped into his mind through a wireless connection", according to a pre-book interview that appeared on mtvhive.com. (When the "the beings" found no discernible intelligence, its assumed they moved on to other more likely projects.)

            Refreshments will be served afterwards; please let Brother Bill and Sister Penny know if you're coming so they can plan accordingly.

*A Quote*

            Although we here at the AJATTWC do not believe in Satan, (although we suspect that if he did truly exist, he would reside in the person of Bill Clinton), nevertheless, we felt that the following quote deserved another airing, so thus:

            "No one can be as bad as Kadaffi, whoever comes after him. The devil himself would be an improvement." Per Akram Ramadan, a Libyan exile leader in London.

            Attempts to contact Mr. Satan to obtain his response to the above were unsuccessful.

*Men's Club Outing-"March Madness"*

            The Men's Club of the AJATTWC will hold one of its periodic outings next week, with a trip to Hooters next Friday afternoon, 3/36.3, during the restaurant's HootersHookyDay promotion of the NCAA "March Madness" tournament. Hooters will provide a free "doctor's note" to excuse you from work, plus a free appetizer to all attendees as well.

            Men's Club President Brother Bill Collector asks that you please let him or VP Brother Tim Middly know if you plan to attend.

*"Beat Deafness" Awareness Week Proposed*

            Brother Dario Inthedell, who's father, Brother Farmer Inthedell, suffered from the debilitating disease of "Beat Deafness" for many years, has proposed that the AJATTWC sponsor a "Beat Deafness" Awareness Week, to raise the awareness of (and money to continue research on) this horrible, silent crippler. ("Beat Deafness" occurs "when your arms, legs and body can't move in sync to music" or if a person is unable to tell when someone else is "NSync" (a little humor there) as well.

            Learn more about this dreaded disease at: http://bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/03/11/6247114-cant-feel-the-rhythm-you-may-be-beat-deaf.

            And thanks for your concern in advance.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

            The Bored Of Elders of the Church asks that you patronize the local merchants who so willingly support our activities.

            -Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor

"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"

227 North Bondage Ave.

-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"

                        Visit us at www.labeautiful.com

                        All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:

                        -breast augmentation

                        -breast lifts

                        -male breast ("moobs") reduction

                        -hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")

                        -facelift

                        -tummy tuck

                        -and many others

            Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin

            Free Limo Service with qualified procedures

(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)

Love and pipeorgans,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.