Bad Habits

Завальцовка, завальцовка, завальцовка Завальцовка, завальцовка, завальцовка Завальцовка, завальцовка, завальцовка Завальцовка, завальцовка, завальцовка Яловка Roiling, свертывать, свертывая Хотя потоки опухнуты Держите их свертывать doggies Яловка Дождь и ветер и погода Ад согнул для кожи Желать мой gal был моей стороной Все вещи I' m missin' Хорошие vittels, lovin' , kissin' Ждите в конце моей езды Двиньте ' em дальше, head' em вверх Головка ' em вверх, move' em дальше Двиньте ' em дальше, head' em вверх Яловка Отрежьте ' em вне, езда ' em внутри Езда ' em внутри, отрезанное ' em вне Звонок ' em вне, езда ' em в яловке Содержание двигая, двигать, двигая Однако they' re осуждая Держите их двигать doggies Яловка Don' попытка t для того чтобы понять ' веревочка em как раз, ход и тавро ' em скоро we' ll жило высоко и широко Мое сердце calculatin' Моя истинная влюбленность будет waitin' Ждите в конце моей езды Двиньте ' em дальше, head' em вверх Головка ' em вверх, move' em дальше Двиньте ' em дальше, head' em вверх Яловка Отрежьте ' em вне, езда ' em внутри Езда ' em внутри, отрезанное ' em вне Звонок ' em вне, езда ' em в яловке Двиньте ' em дальше, head' em вверх Головка ' em вверх, move' em дальше Двиньте ' em дальше, head' em вверх Яловка Отрежьте ' em вне, езда ' em внутри Езда ' em внутри, отрезанное ' em вне Звонок ' em вне, езда ' em в яловке Завальцовка, завальцовка, завальцовка Завальцовка, завальцовка, завальцовка Завальцовка, завальцовка, завальцовка Завальцовка, завальцовка, завальцовка Яловка Яловка.

The above are the lyrics for the theme song of the 1950s TV show, "Rawhide", translated into Russian. I thought it was something you might need. Which, by the way, has nothing to do with the two pictures at the top of the page; I'll get into that in a moment.

. That's "Rawhide" in Russian; I had to draw the characters of the title (<---, back there) in Paint because I couldn't seem to get that part to "copy/paste" like the rest, err, excuse me, I had some problems printing that word after I spent hours painstakingly doing the translation. Anyway, the next time you're sitting around, hoisting a few cold ones and watching Russian language reruns of old '50s TV Westerns, hey, now when "Rawhide" starts, (featuring a VERY young Clint Westwood as Rowdy Yates, a sensitive but tough cowboy who loves Chopin but hates Comanche's. Not the Native American tribe, no, the Jeep-Eagle brand pickup truck that they marketed a few years ago with that name, Comanche. Rowdy thought they were really ugly.) Yeah, sing along if you like. Or if not, then sit there and be quiet so I can hear the show.

Hey, is your Pope looking out for you or what? How many other leaders of MAJOR religions like the All John All The Time World Church would take the time from their busy day to do complicated translations for their flocks to use and cherish? Besides, how many people in the world can say that they can sing the theme song to "Rawhide" in Russian, huh? Yeah, I thought so.

I got some good news just as I was finishing the above translation; my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one who used to live in North Carolina) called and told me that the Bored Of Elders of the AJATTWC has decided to establish a society of nuns, under the sponsorship of the Church, to assist myself and the Harley Dog with the tremendous task of spreading "the soothing balm of Johnism" to the world. (For those of you who are new followers of the Pope, the "Harley Dog" I mentioned in the previous sentence is my sidekick, roommate and best buddy in the whole world, commonly known as Harley, and that's his smiling face there to the right...no, you doofuses, your other right...geez...--->, there, does that help?)

Anyway, the tentative name for the new society of nuns that will be chartered under the auspices of the AJATTWC will be (remember, this is tentative) "The Popettes".

"The Popettes." It's got a nice ring to it, don't you think?

"PJTT and the Popettes, featuring The Harley Dog, now appearing everywhere. Check your local paper for details."

Okay, "The Popettes" is a little informal for a religious community; you know, I was just trying to liven things up a little. Boy, let's not anyone have any fun around here, okay?

The real (but still tentative) name for the new group of nuns will be...ready?..."The Society Of Our Lady Of The Holy Fundament".

How's that for a mouthful? (You know, I have never had a woman say that to me.)

Although the Human Resources Department (motto: You Hire'em, We'll Fire'em) is still conducting interviews for the position of Head Nun (don't you even think of it, you dirtbags), the general consensus around the AJATTWC office is that the front runner for the position is Sister Fredrika "Gonad" Tutwiler, a lady with an impressive resume and a set of guns that would entitle her to play linebacker in the NFL. The only reason she doesn't tryout is that she thinks football isn't "violent" enough against sinners. (Sister Fredrika, or "'Nad", as she's affectionately known in convent circles, once tried to crash a Miley Cyrus concert, attempting to rush on stage and "snatch the hair from that Whore Of Babylon".

Nice gal; I can hardly wait to work with her.

One of the details that has to be decided on by the Church staff is what the new "uniform", or as it's known in the "business", the "habit", will look like for the new order. We've had a number of samples submitted to us by various purveyors of religious clothing, and I've included two of the more revealing, err, more interesting choices that we've had to consider. (Please see the above pictures; I asked for more samples, but was told by the Church physician, Dr. Doolittle, that I should take two aspirin, spend the evening at Hooters and call him in the morning with a full report.)

Both "habits" seem appropriately religious (yeah, if you attend church at the Playboy Mansion), and both would seem to be religiously appropriate. Myself, I'm leaning towards to one on the left, thinking that it's more demure "sans décolletage", which is Russian for "whatta' ya' mean, we're outta' vodka?". Besides, I'm afraid the white stay-up, thigh-high stockings would be a problem in the jungles of Lower Zimbabwe, if we ever get called to go there, so that other "habit" probably won't work.

The staff here at the AJATTWC is having the same problem deciding between the two uniforms, and there have been arguments, and discussions, and "brain-storming" sessions, and debates and whatever, and they've still not reached a decision.

So here's what I suggested: let our faithful followers, the very spine and bedrock (sounds like the name of one of those TV fitness "plans"; you know the ones, where some semi-well known celebrity, who has suddenly, at the age of 74 and after years of being a slovenly pig, exercised themselves into muscle-bound, speed-freak who now has had an "epiphany" about personal fitness and can't wait to tell you, and sell you) of the AJATTWC, make the decision.

So here you go, readers of the Pope Person and other slightly interested parties, here's your chance to speak out, and cast your vote for which of the above "habits" (and there's a couple of habits I wouldn't hurry to break) will be the new apparel for the Sisters of All John All The Time World Church, The Society Of Our Lady Of The Holy Fundament.

What an awesome responsibility; I shudder at the load that I have placed upon your narrow shoulders.

Harley and I have requested a "private viewing" of models wearing the various candidates for the new habit, not only the ones pictured above, but a number of others as well, secondary choices as it were. Harley and I feel that this situation, the choosing of a "uniform" for one of our representative Church groups, should be approached in an extremely serious manner, as its a matter of "image", and how the Church is viewed by those of you who are not Members, those of you who are still living, slutty, sinful lives without the soothing balm of Johnism. We're both very excited about this oppor...damn, there goes the Popephone...

"...PJTT...Mike, how are you, what's up?...yeah, I'm just working on the announcement now...okay...okay...why not?...come on, we were just having a little fun...geez, where's their sense of humor, the old farts...(large sigh of capitulation here)...all right, no private viewing...but we're still having the contest, right?...okay...yeah...yeah, I'll send it over as soon as I'm finished here...yeah, okay, call me later, hey, Dodgers/Rockies tonight, Kershaw's pitching, we got a sawbuck on this one, don't forget, okay?...yeah, later."

Assholes.

The Bored Of Elders has decided that there will be no "private viewing" for HD and myself; it seems some of the models took exception to our attempts to recreate the Marilyn Monroe "She Gets Her Skirt Blown Up Over The Subway Grating" shot in the movie "The Seven Year Itch" by using air-hoses the guys back in the hangar hooked up for us, and went and complained.

HD and I got our peenies whacked for that one; I don't know, I thought it was pretty funny, and so did Harley apparently. He was racing around all those models like he had the makeup concession at a Lady GaGa concert.

So no private viewing for the Dirt Bag Dog and his Pope.

Okay, so here's what to do; go to an ATM, withdraw as much cash as you're allowed and send it to: Pope Guy, AJA...well, never mind that now. In the Comments section (below), cast your vote. The habit on the left, commonly known as "#1", or the habit on the right, known as, cleverly, "#2".

Number one or number two.

Hell, even Sarah Plain and Loud couldn't screw this one up too much. Hey Sarah, did you miss school the day they taught American History?

Although if Sarah wants to text me some pics of her in her long-johns, I'd love to have them; I'll put them up in my wallet, right next to my pics of Newt Gingrich in a teddy.

Love and convents,

PJTT and the Harley Dog

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.