The Monthlies (Announcements, That Is)

As with almost any non-homogenous group of people, it becomes necessary periodically to broadcast, publish or otherwise announce the various and sundry events that are to take place within the social circles of said non-homogenous group, as well as keeping the group informed of any and all activities that effect the core reason for their organization.

In other words, its time for the All John All The Time World Church to publish it's monthly announcements. Ladies and gentleman (that should cover most of you), I give you this month's edition of:

The AJATTWC NO BULLetin.

*Special Thanks/"Johner Of The Month"*

            Your Pope Guy (that would be me) receives emails, texts, letters and even an occasional smoke signal, asking for advice, making comments on Church activities, making death threats, soliciting money, (hey, we're a church, that's OUR job), or just saying how much they appreciate our efforts here at the AJATTWC and to keep up the good work.

            But I wanted to take time to thank one faithful follower in particular who has sent several inspiring comments to your Pope Dude, expressing how much he likes the message of the soothing balm of Johnism, and how much he would really like to have a child with either myself or the Harley Dog, preferably Harley since he's considerably better looking.

            So, starting this month, and continuing until I get sick of doing it, each month I will name a "Johner Of The Month", as a special recognition to some faithful follower of mine who has gone the extra mile, given 110%, won one for the Gipper, the guy (or gal) who has given his/her all (especially in the collection basket) to promote the soothing balm of Johnism.

            This month's award of the AJATTWC'S "Johner Of The Month" goes to...drumroll please...Mr. Jeff Guy of Somewhere, America. There he is, way back there in the back, stand up, Jeff, and let the folks see you.

            Now I have no idea who Jeff Guy is, but he reads the Pope regularly, and has sent me several messages telling me that a) he likes the Pope and b) that he thinks the Pope is pretty funny, which mostly tells you all you need to know about Jeff's taste in humor columnists. (Calling myself a "humor columnist" is like calling the Chicago Cubs a baseball team; it overstates the matter by a factor of gazillions.)

Jeff recently was gracious enough to comment on a post I wrote, involving the AJATTWC's search for a new Head Nun, as well as the various "habits" we are considering for our newly created religious community, the Sisters Of The Society Of Our Lady Of The Holy Fundament. Here's what Jeff had to say:

"Laughed my ass off at that Miley Cyrus/whore of Babylon thing. Love the pics. I'll take the church of Playboy & Hooters any day."

My kind of guy.

So here's to you, Jeff Guy, wherever you are in America: you are the June 2011 "Johner Of The Month". This award and a five-dollar bill will get you a Mocha Frappachino Baked Alaska Camshaft Tall Latte at any participating Starbucks.

Oh, Jeff, by the way, your wife called; she said to tell you that you're not funny.

*Men's/Women's Clubs Combined Baseball Outing*

            

            Sister Clair Voyant was able to snap the above pic at our recent Men's/Women's Clubs Combined Baseball Outing, which took place, for those of you who had the good sense to stay home that day, on Whitsuntide last week, and as you can obviously see from the photo, everyone had a good time and that Sister Merrily Werollalong, who's shown making the catch of a foul-ball in the stands, hasn't quite lost all the weight she gained from when she had little Merritt Lee. And isn't that adorable; little Merritt even had his own little batting helmet. Nice catch, Merrily; you go gurl!

            (Do the Cubs know about this lady? She has to be an improvement over that sack of ball peen hammers Alfonso Soriano; hell, Merritt would even be a big upgrade.)

*Nutrition/Fund-Raising News*

            Our Women's Club President, Sister Bea Wildered, has asked that we let everyone in the Church know about our new fund-raising activity, which will be selling a new product that was recently introduced by Mark One Foods, the Candwich (see picture below).

            

            Inside the can are “shelf-stable bread” and sandwich fixings including a squeezable packet of peanut butter and another of jelly -- plus a small piece of taffy for dessert. Ooh, sounds yummy, don't you think?

            We're hoping to move several million cases of the Candwich to raise funds for the building of the new AJATTWC's Jimi Hendrix Memorial Gymnasium and Recording Studio. Please let Sister Bea know how many cases she can put you down for, and let's get out there in the neighborhood and move those PB&Js!

*Lecture Scheduled*

            The eminent medical scholar and amateur sword-swallower, Dr. Charles Horse, will present a lecture in the Church Meeting Hall next Tuesday evening entitled "Anorgasmia: The Meg Ryan 'When Harry Met Sally' Approach". Our Church President, Brother Hugh Moungus, wanted everyone to know that he has personally seen Dr. Horse's presentation previously, and that he urges all Church members, especially all our special Sisters in the soothing balm of Johnism, to attend. "Both the men and the women of the AJATTWC can learn a lot about Anorgasmia, and how to deal with it, from Charley's, excuse me, I mean, from Dr. Horse's lecture," Hugh said. Please mark this one on your colander, folks.

*Tour Announced*

            Although all the details have yet to be worked out, the Bored Of Elders of the AJATTWC has decided to send our beloved Pope, John The Tall (and rakishly handsome), on a nationwide tour in the late summer this year, tentatively titled The Party With The Pope Dude tour, to spread the message of the soothing balm of Johnism. Accompanying the Pope on his proposed 500 city, 750 night tour will be his companion and back-up navigator when they're onboard the Pope's atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, the Harley Dog, and the Pope's consigliore and right-hand man, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one that did the McDonald's ads with Larry Bird). We'll have more details in next month's NO BULLetin. Go Pope. Oh yes, and for those of you who haven't already done so, you can check out the Pope's latest video message, The Pope John Cheer, at:

http://newvideos.xtranormal.com/web_final_hi/a1adfd3c-78a3-11e0-a6c5-003048d6740d_61.mp4

*Prayer Requests*

            Dr. Bill O'Lading, the Director of the Church's in-house think tank, the Center For The Serious Consideration Of Weighty Matters, has asked that all members of the Church please remember our economy in their prayers. Dr. O'Lading also asked that special prayers be offered to ensure we don't elect another douche-bag like George W. Bush in next year's election.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

            The Bored Of Elders of the Church asks that you patronize the local merchants who so willingly support our activities.

-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law

            "No case, nor fee, is too small; we're in it for the dough."

            www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com

-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor

"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"

227 North Bondage Ave.

-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"

                        Visit us at www.labeautiful.com

                        All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:

                        -breast augmentation

                        -breast lifts

                        -male breast ("moobs") reduction

                        -hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")

                        -facelift

                        -tummy tuck

                        -and many others

            Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin

            Free Limo Service with qualified procedures

(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)

Love and hymnals,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

Rocky And Bullwinkle Meet H. G. Wells

Dateline: Frostbite Falls Minnesota, home of the famous crime-fighting heroes, Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose. (Do you think they both had the same middle name?)

 

If any of you out there are approximately the same age as your Pope Guy, (Pope John The Tall of the All John All The Time World Church, that's me), which is roughly that of a redwood tree, and lived through the turbulent decade of the '60s, (NINEteen, not EIGHTeen, you smart-alecks), you might remember the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon show. Pound for pound, one of the best cartoons ever, with humor that was WAY too sophisticated for kids (probably way too sophisticated for a lot of adults I know as well, then and now).

There were lots of aspects of the show that were notable, beyond the great running storyline of R and B fighting Boris Badenov and his sidekick, Natasha Fatale, who were spies for their country, Pottsylvania, and it's leader, Mr. Big, who Boris and Natasha also referred to as "Fearless Leader" (actually, they might have been two different characters; its been a long time and I really don't recall); there were lots of dumb cartoon sight gags and vignettes of Bullwinkle saying to Rocky, as he held an old top-hat in his hand, "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat, " and then the moose would reach into the hat and pull out...well, sometimes he'd get the head of a rhinoceros (to which Bullwinkle remarked, "Whew, don't know my own strength") or the head of a male lion, which prompted Rocky to ask Bullwinkle, "Wrong hat?", to which Bullwinkle replied, "I take a 7-1/2." Silly stuff, but when you're a kid, great humor. (Hell, I think its still pretty funny now.)

One of my favorite recurring features on the show was a segment called "Peabody's Improbable History", whose main characters were Mr. Peabody, a lab-smock and glasses-wearing genius dog (I think he was a bagel, err, sorry, beagle) who could talk, and "his boy", Sherman, a lad of maybe eight or so. Peabody invented the "WABAC" machine (pronounced LAH, sorry, "Way Back"), a time machine that, unfortunately, only allowed someone to return to the past; there was no "D" on this transmission, only "R". Every week, Peabody and Sherman would "set the WABAC machine" to some historical date in the past, and then return to observe the occasion. Of course, there were always some problem with how things were happening, and every week Mr. Peabody and Sherman had to intervene in some manner to ensure that the historical event took place as it had been recorded in the history books.

So I got to thinking the other day that, wow, wouldn't having a "WayBack" Machine be a great way to go back to past times and, maybe, well, change things around a little, you know, maybe correct a few "mistakes", kinda' do the future generations (us) a little favor. (Think of it this way: if Barbara Pierce doesn't marry George H.W. Bush, then she never gets pregnant and has "W", and then we never have to have that asshole as the 43rd President. See where I'm going with this?)

Of course, that wouldn't work; it's the epitome of the law of unintended consequences. Besides, there's a theory in science-fiction that the past can't be altered; the fact that "W" was born, grew into an asshole, went into politics, ran for and became President and then sunk this country like almost no other President has before him would prove conclusively, so says the theory, that I wasn't able to go back in time and stop Babs from making a terrible mistake. But the idea makes for some great speculation.

I decided to have the Science Department here at the AJATTWC look into what it would take to create and build a "WayBack" Machine, how much it would cost, what were the best applications of the technology, etc. (I was also going to ask Dr. Bill O'Lading, who is the director of our Church-sponsored think-tank, the Center For The Serious Consideration Of Weighty Matters, to examine the potential psychological impact and implications of such a machine, but I didn't when I learned that Dr. O'Lading had the entire Center tied up on a new project; how to safely extricate BOTH of Billy Ray Cyrus' feet from his mouth, BRC having been the victim of the old "open mouth, insert foot" routine so often that his doctors came up with a name for the disease: "oralapedia".)

I'm prepared to devote the entire Science Department's annual budget ($58.26) and it's resources (a Bunsen burner, a half-dozen pipettes, which I assume are small pipes, a centrifuge producing bomb-grade "cheesonium", which is the primary element in the making of Atomic Food Bombs, and two lab techs with their degrees in some science or another from the Spiro Agnew University School Of Science Stuff And Massage Parlor) to the creation of this machine, so that it might be used for the good of mankind, or at least to go back and somehow make my parents gazillionaires. (Remember what Kevin Spacey's character in the movie "Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil" said about the term "nouveau riche", which is French for "threesome" (no, its not): "It's the "riche" that counts.")

At the very least I'd like to use my version of the "WayBack" Machine to go back in time and somehow convince Linda Hachero, of Ft. Myers, FL, to reconsider her decision to have children, because if I had managed to screw up my daughter as badly as Ms. Hachero seems to have done with hers, I'd want to reexamine the whole premise of parenting.

According to WBBH-TV in Ft. Myers, "An honors student is accused of using a stolen gun to pistol-whip, then threaten her mother in order to get a sports car, according to Lee County Sheriff's Office reports." Said honor student is Rachel Hachero, the daughter of Linda.

Seems like L'il Rachel, who by the way is 17 years of age, was at a local car dealer and had her eye on an '04 Nissan 350Z, and called home to coax Mom into coming down to the dealership and cosigning for a loan to buy the car. When Mommy said no way, cute daughter Rachel threatened to kill her.

Dead, I assume, as in no more life, that's it, you're outta' here dead.

What a lovely young lady, and an honor student as well.

So L'il Rachel, not to be deterred by her mother's refusal to cooperate, returns home with a gun, which, according to the sheriff's report, she then proceeds to put to Mom's head and tells her they are returning to the dealership to fill out the papers and buy the 350Z. Now. Which they did.

Next day, Linda calls the Lee County Sheriff's Department to report her offspring, but tells deputies that she doesn't want to prosecute Rachel because "she is an honors student who has been accepted to several Ivy League colleges on scholarships". Fortunately, sheriff's deputies decided that "there was probable cause to arrest Rachel for aggravated assault with intent to commit a felony, one count of battery touch or strike and possession of a firearm by a person under the age of 18", despite her mother's reticence, which they did.

I love this part: "A check of the gun's serial number revealed it was stolen from a Lee County Port Authority Law Enforcement officer in early July 2010." Exactly how does a 17 year-old "honor student" come to have possession of a piece that once belonged to a Port Authority cop? Never mind, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.

"Set the WABAC machine for June 16th, 1992, Sherman; that's a year before Linda Hachero meets Rachel's father. We have to go back and talk some sense into her."

Yeah, and good luck, guys; for the sake of the world, I hope you succeed. Because either this kid was the female version of Damien in the movie "The Omen", or Linda Hachero is the most inept excuse for a parent in modern history. How do you have a family so dysfunctional that your senior-in-high-school daughter thinks its okay to threaten her mother WITH A GUN when Mom won't cosign for a loan for a car that the little darling isn't legally old enough to own anyway? Holy Swapped At Birth, Batman, what the hell is that all about? These two deserve each other. Wow.

I haven't heard back from the Science Department guys as yet on their progress on the idea of the WayBack Machine, and I'm not surprised; they've been really tied up working on a project to invent a machine that allows the user to talk into an instrument and have their voice be heard by another person miles away using a similar instrument. They're going to call it the "talkaphone", and from what they tell me...hang on, the Popephone is ringing...

"...JTT...hey, Mike, how's the gerbil-golf game comin'?...what?...whatta' you mean "its already been done"? by who?...never heard of him...well, you better get the message to those dumbshits in Science, they're down there jerking off and spending Church money like a bunch of drunken Republicans...I can't believe it...how long have you known this?...never mind, just get those assholes working on something that pays, okay?...yeah, today...yeah...yeah, hey, I really like the Big Hooters Monthly you sent over, thanks...okay, lemme' know...yeah, talk to later..." Shit.

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one who went to North Carolina); he tells me those jerkoffs down in Science have been working on inventing something that's already been invented; boy, how irresponsible is that?

Its almost as bad as raising a daughter that threatens you with a gun when you don't do what she wants...or as bad as the daughter who does it.

Love and Dr. Spock,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

Rocky And Bullwinkle Meet H. G. Wells

If any of you out there are approximately the same age as your Pope Guy, (Pope John The Tall of the All John All The Time World Church, that's me), which is roughly that of a redwood tree, and lived through the turbulent decade of the '60s, (NINEteen, not EIGHTeen, you smart-alecks), you might remember the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon show. Pound for pound, one of the best cartoons ever, with humor that was WAY too sophisticated for kids (probably way too sophisticated for a lot of adults I know as well, then and now).

There were lots of aspects of the show that were notable, beyond the great running storyline of R and B fighting Boris Badenov and his sidekick, Natasha Fatale, who were spies for their country, Pottsylvania, and it's leader, Mr. Big, who Boris and Natasha also referred to as "Fearless Leader" (actually, they might have been two different characters; its been a long time and I really don't recall); there were lots of dumb cartoon sight gags and vignettes of Bullwinkle saying to Rocky, as he held an old top-hat in his hand, "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat, " and then the moose would reach into the hat and pull out...well, sometimes he'd get the head of a rhinoceros (to which Bullwinkle remarked, "Whew, don't know my own strength") or the head of a male lion, which prompted Rocky to ask Bullwinkle, "Wrong hat?", to which Bullwinkle replied, "I take a 7-1/2." Silly stuff, but when you're a kid, great humor. (Hell, I think its still pretty funny now.)

One of my favorite recurring features on the show was a segment called "Peabody's Improbable History", whose main characters were Mr. Peabody, a lab-smock and glasses-wearing genius dog (I think he was a bagel, err, sorry, beagle) who could talk, and "his boy", Sherman, a lad of maybe eight or so. Peabody invented the "WABAC" machine (pronounced LAH, sorry, "Way Back"), a time machine that, unfortunately, only allowed someone to return to the past; there was no "D" on this transmission, only "R". Every week, Peabody and Sherman would "set the WABAC machine" to some historical date in the past, and then return to observe the occasion. Of course, there were always some problem with how things were happening, and every week Mr. Peabody and Sherman had to intervene in some manner to ensure that the historical event took place as it had been recorded in the history books.

So I got to thinking the other day that, wow, wouldn't having a "WayBack" Machine be a great way to go back to past times and, maybe, well, change things around a little, you know, maybe correct a few "mistakes", kinda' do the future generations (us) a little favor. (Think of it this way: if Barbara Pierce doesn't marry George H.W. Bush, then she never gets pregnant and has "W", and then we never have to have that asshole as the 43rd President. See where I'm going with this?)

Of course, that wouldn't work; it's the epitome of the law of unintended consequences. Besides, there's a theory in science-fiction that the past can't be altered; the fact that "W" was born, grew into an asshole, went into politics, ran for and became President and then sunk this country like almost no other President has before him would prove conclusively, so says the theory, that I wasn't able to go back in time and stop Babs from making a terrible mistake. But the idea makes for some great speculation.

I decided to have the Science Department here at the AJATTWC look into what it would take to create and build a "WayBack" Machine, how much it would cost, what were the best applications of the technology, etc. (I was also going to ask Dr. Bill O'Lading, who is the director of our Church-sponsored think-tank, the Center For The Serious Consideration Of Weighty Matters, to examine the potential psychological impact and implications of such a machine, but I didn't when I learned that Dr. O'Lading had the entire Center tied up on a new project; how to safely extricate BOTH of Billy Ray Cyrus' feet from his mouth, BRC having been the victim of the old "open mouth, insert foot" routine so often that his doctors came up with a name for the disease: "oralapedia".)

I'm prepared to devote the entire Science Department's annual budget ($58.26) and it's resources (a Bunsen burner, a half-dozen pipettes, which I assume are small pipes, a centrifuge producing bomb-grade "cheesonium", which is the primary element in the making of Atomic Food Bombs, and two lab techs with their degrees in some science or another from the Spiro Agnew University School Of Science Stuff And Massage Parlor) to the creation of this machine, so that it might be used for the good of mankind, or at least to go back and somehow make my parents gazillionaires. (Remember what Kevin Spacey's character in the movie "Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil" said about the term "nouveau riche", which is French for "threesome" (no, its not): "It's the "riche" that counts.")

At the very least I'd like to use my version of the "WayBack" Machine to go back in time and somehow convince Linda Hachero, of Ft. Myers, FL, to reconsider her decision to have children, because if I had managed to screw up my daughter as badly as Ms. Hachero seems to have done with hers, I'd want to reexamine the whole premise of parenting.

According to WBBH-TV in Ft. Myers, "An honors student is accused of using a stolen gun to pistol-whip, then threaten her mother in order to get a sports car, according to Lee County Sheriff's Office reports." Said honor student is Rachel Hachero, the daughter of Linda.

Seems like L'il Rachel, who by the way is 17 years of age, was at a local car dealer and had her eye on an '04 Nissan 350Z, and called home to coax Mom into coming down to the dealership and cosigning for a loan to buy the car. When Mommy said no way, cute daughter Rachel threatened to kill her.

Dead, I assume, as in no more life, that's it, you're outta' here dead.

What a lovely young lady, and an honor student as well.

So L'il Rachel, not to be deterred by her mother's refusal to cooperate, returns home with a gun, which, according to the sheriff's report, she then proceeds to put to Mom's head and tells her they are returning to the dealership to fill out the papers and buy the 350Z. Now. Which they did.

Next day, Linda calls the Lee County Sheriff's Department to report her offspring, but tells deputies that she doesn't want to prosecute Rachel because "she is an honors student who has been accepted to several Ivy League colleges on scholarships". Fortunately, sheriff's deputies decided that "there was probable cause to arrest Rachel for aggravated assault with intent to commit a felony, one count of battery touch or strike and possession of a firearm by a person under the age of 18", despite her mother's reticence, which they did.

I love this part: "A check of the gun's serial number revealed it was stolen from a Lee County Port Authority Law Enforcement officer in early July 2010." Exactly how does a 17 year-old "honor student" come to have possession of a piece that once belonged to a Port Authority cop? Never mind, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.

"Set the WABAC machine for June 16th, 1992, Sherman; that's a year before Linda Hachero meets Rachel's father. We have to go back and talk some sense into her."

Yeah, and good luck, guys; for the sake of the world, I hope you succeed. Because either this kid was the female version of Damien in the movie "The Omen", or Linda Hachero is the most inept excuse for a parent in modern history. How do you have a family so dysfunctional that your senior-in-high-school daughter thinks its okay to threaten her mother WITH A GUN when Mom won't cosign for a loan for a car that the little darling isn't legally old enough to own anyway? Holy Swapped At Birth, Batman, what the hell is that all about? These two deserve each other. Wow.

I haven't heard back from the Science Department guys as yet on their progress on the idea of the WayBack Machine, and I'm not surprised; they've been really tied up working on a project to invent a machine that allows the user to talk into an instrument and have their voice be heard by another person miles away using a similar instrument. They're going to call it the "talkaphone", and from what they tell me...hang on, the Popephone is ringing...

"...JTT...hey, Mike, how's the gerbil-golf game comin'?...what?...whatta' you mean "its already been done"? by who?...never heard of him...well, you better get the message to those dumbshits in Science, they're down there jerking off and spending Church money like a bunch of drunken Republicans...I can't believe it...how long have you known this?...never mind, just get those assholes working on something that pays, okay?...yeah, today...yeah...yeah, hey, I really like the Big Hooters Monthly you sent over, thanks...okay, lemme' know...yeah, talk to later..." Shit.

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one who went to North Carolina); he tells me those jerkoffs down in Science have been working on inventing something that's already been invented; boy, how irresponsible is that?

Its almost as bad as raising a daughter that threatens you with a gun when you don't do what she wants...or as bad as the daughter who does it.

Love and Dr. Spock,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.