The headline at the top of the article read:
"Would you wear a bridal bikini?"
And I thought to myself, Pope, for you, the answer to that is a resounding...maybe. (That's Sports Illustrated bikini model Kate Upton above, for whom the answer is a resounding...you betcha'. I'd be her groom any time, unless I have to wear a matching jock strap and cutaway jacket.)
The biggest problem with my wearing a "bridal bikini", besides the obvious, is the lack of dignity involved in someone as old as I am wearing an outfit that is clearly meant for a younger, sexier and in much better shape person than your Popeamundo. (And "bridal bikini" may not be an oxymoron, but it sure seems like it's SOME kind of moron of some sort.)
Oh yeah, the "obvious" above; despite the fact that a number of positions at my other "job" outside of my Pope gig with the All John All The Time World Church are currently filled by transsexuals, I am not compelled to suddenly don woman's clothing and seek new adventures "on the wild side", as my first TGP (transgender person) friend once described it. No, the office of Pope has certain vestments and costumes that represent the solemnity and dignity of being the leader of a major religion like the AJATTWC, and those will suffice. Well, that and the fact that I just don't have the waist for a bikini any more.
I'M KIDDING, YOU DOOFUSES, I'M NOT WEARING ANY BIKINI, FOR CHRISSAKE, ARE YOU CRAZY? I'M, WELL, NEVER MIND THE NUMBER, BUT I'M OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW I'D LOOK LIKE A MAJOR FUCKTARD IN ANY KIND OF WOMAN'S CLOTHING.
Geez.
And why am I having this one-sided conversation with myself? (Did you think I was talking to you? Sorry.) Especially about this subject. "Would I wear a bridal bikini?" Whatta' ya', nuts?
Now maybe a "tankini", they cover so much more...WHAT AM I SAYING? AM I THE ONE THAT'S CRAZY HERE?
Ever since my interview and subsequent hiring of my new part-time employee, who is a very nice lady, a very attractive lady, a very talented and hard-working lady...who happens to have previously been a guy, things have been a little, I don't know, strange around the ol' headquarters of the AJATTWC.
So just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder, somebody on the 'Net asks me if I would wear a bridal bikini.
Only to semi-formal weddings.
The other question that I was asked recently online was whether or not I would be willing to give up the Internet for a one-time payment of a million dollars.
Would you give up using the Internet, forever, for $1,000,000? Cash.
Now I read the article by Suzanne Choney on Digital Life On Today, and the general consensus of the people interviewed for the piece was another resounding answer...NO. Although the poll was very unscientific, most of the responders gave one of two reasons for their negative answer: a) it wasn't enough money and b) "the Internet has become so key that no amount of money would cover the loss of its place in our lives."
I once worked with an Italian guy who had a very sardonic viewpoint towards much of the vagaries of life; when faced with a perplexing situation that made no sense to him, Joe would oftentimes opine that "maybe I'm the jackoff here."
Well, maybe I'm the jackoff here, but a million dollars? Tax-free? To never again make use, in any way, of one of the most amazing, yet confounding, inventions that man, with his fevered little brain, has conceived? No more emails, no more Facebook, no more YouTube, no sports commentary, no banking, no purchasing, no bill-paying, no blogs, no nothing, just like life back in the 1950s, when things were simpler, men were men and woman were glad they were.
Would you give up using the Internet, forever, for $1,000,000?
In a New York second, baby. I'd take the dough, dump it all in T-Bills and bonds, find myself a deserted island in the South Pacific, (I mentioned "South Pacific" in one of my posts earlier this week, and commented that it was also the name of one the great musicals of all time; can I mention it again? Shit, too late now.), build myself a small hut with hot and cold running island girls, and never set foot on "civilized" territory again.
(I guess if there were hot and cold running island girls on the island that the island probably wouldn't qualify as "deserted", but I think you can get my drift here, yes?) (Coney Island, Catalina Island, Long Island, hey, just thought I'd throw a few more "islands" in there, like there weren't enough in that previous sentence. The Island Of Dr. Moreau, Alcatraz Island, traffic islands, Hawaiian Islands, okay, I quit.)
Not enough money? Hey, here at the AJATTWC, we could purchase truckloads of Girl Scout cookies for Harley and I with that kind of dough. Oh yeah, and do lots of charitable work besides. (Cookies first.) We could perform multiple acts of generosity and kindness with a million dollars. (The list price on a Pagani Huayra is $1.4 million, and I figure with my Pope discount, I'd be pretty close to having my big butt in the driver's seat of the most amazing automobile I've ever had the privilege to drool over. See my post from 6/20 for more about the car that is named after the Andean God Of Wind.)
Not enough money? For who, Donald Trump?
Geez.
But the real scary comment for me was the second one: "the Internet has become so key that no amount of money would cover the loss of its place in our lives." Now I use the 'Net heavily; besides my blog, there's all the things that I listed above (see above) that I would have to give up. Yes, the Internet is, like for so many people today, a major part of my life.
But the point is that I have a life, over and above what takes place online. Rather than get all maudlin here and give you the long list of the other segments of my life that exist outside my electronic personality on the World Wide Web, suffice to say that, yeah, I have lots of other interests that are not dependent on a computer (or a tablet, IPhone, BlackBerry, laptop or whatever) to be realized.
And of course, most importantly, I have my position and my work as the Popemeister of the AJATTWC. (My mother used to say that sarcasm was a tool of the ignorant.)
So chew on this for a moment, you children of the Internet Age: if your whole life is relegated to and controlled by an electronic connection to various types of computing machinery, you may want to rethink your values.
And while you guys are rethinking that, I'm going to reconsider my position on whether or not I would wear a bridal bikini.
Honestly, the real truth is that it would depend on the designer. Hey, no Kathy Ireland label K-Mart Blue-Light Special in the Woman's Swimwear Department knockoffs for this Pope Dude; if it ain't Prado, or C. Klein, no way.
Hey, a girl has to have her standards, and her values, right?
(????????????????)
Love and "itsy-bitsy, tweeny-weeny, yellow polka-dot bikinis", ("all the better to see you with, my dear"),
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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