"When in the course of human events it becomes...", wait, that's not how I wanted to open today's post.
Let's try that again.
As is the case once every month, more or less, it's time for the All John All The Time World Church's "NO BULLetin", which this month is chock-full of all kinds of interesting and important announcements and news for all you loyal followers of your Pope Dude, John The Tall (and incredibly smart). I've got so many items to bring you this month that I think I should get started right away. (What, you thought I would tell you about the bulletin and then not let you read it? What is that?)
*Men's/Women's Club Ball Game Outing Cancelled*
As you can see from the picture above, taken at the ballpark by Brother Al Berkerke, the exhibition baseball game that had been scheduled between our local team, the Barnville Buttwads and the visiting Chicago Cubs, which the Men's and Women's clubs were supposed to attend in a combined Church outing, had to be cancelled just prior to the game.
I don't want to say the Cubs are bad, but that's their won-loss record coming into town just ahead of them.
Brother Justin Tyme suggested that we see a basketball game for our next outing. (Yeah, anybody but the Miami Hate.)
*AJATTWC Now Has BINGO*
That's right, followers of the Pope Guy, the AJATTWC will now host a weekly Bingo game, to be held in the Church Meeting Hall, every Whitsuntide evening at 45:03lm. Prizes will be awarded and refreshments will be served afterwards.
So come on down to the Church Hall next Whitsuntide and get in on the fun; there will be a grand prize for the evening's top winner of $535 Gazillion, (from which a small honorarium to your Pope, say of 1/2, would be appropriate), and there will be other prizes, and a raffle for a door prize as well. (Windows will be available to those of you who don't need a door.)
Sister Rosemary Enthyme is in charge of refreshments and asks that anyone who would like to bring a dish to please contact her. (Bringing something in the dish would be super too.)
*Announcing the "JOHNER OF THE MONTH"*
Due to her steadfast support of your Pope and his ministry, (not to mention the donation to the Church of $6.32), the AJATTWC is pleased to announce that...
Marlo Bernier of
Sherman Oaks CA
...is the "Johner Of The Month" for July 2011, and as such will receive a small, boiler-plate certificate that proclaims the above to the uncaring world. That and 5 bucks will get her a Mocha Frappacinno Cinnamon Latte Camshaft Ertle Vente at Starbuck's.
Nice going, Marlo!
*Softball Team Tryouts*
Anyone interested in joining the AJATTWC Co-Ed Softball Team should sign-up for try-outs in the church office before Schnootday, 7/56. Brother Painin Guerrier will be organizing the team, and plans to manage as well, and says that the team will be competing in the Midwest/All Galactic Church Softball League and PAC, and will play a schedule of 162 games this year, with playoff and championship rounds at the end of the regular season, and then will undertake campaign fund-raising activities for ANYONE other than Sarah Plain And Loud.
All players must have their own glove and "cup", (women as well) and Brother G, you can stop bragging about needing a "24-ouncer" for yours.
*Concert In The Church Hall*
Next Arborday, 7/.6, the Church will host a concert in the Church Meeting Hall, featuring the Hornwater Doo Dah Band from South Wales and North Dolphins; the band features lead singer Mike "How's Your Sister And Your Wife? She's Fine" Krophone, and they will be performing, amongst other selections, their recent hit, "Do It To Me Again, Without The Hammer This Time".
Tickets are $9632.00 each, and can be purchased in advance by seeing Sister Holly Woode in the Church office, or can be purchased at the door on the night of the concert.
Come on out and let's have an old-fashioned orgy, err, good time.
*Women's Club Bake Sale*
There is no Bake Sale scheduled at this time; however, there has never been a NO BULLetin that didn't contain an announcement for a "Women's Club Bake Sale", and I didn't want to disappoint anyone.
*Think Tank Report*
The AJATTWC-sponsored think tank, the Center For The Serious Consideration Of Weighty Matters, has released their monthly "progress" report, according to Center director, Dr. Bill O'Lading.
According to the report, the Center is currently engaged in a study of long-term dating among singles in today's fast-paced, social network-ruled world, and Dr. O'Lading says that, as part of this study, his researchers at the Center have discovered a pick-up line that works with 100% effectiveness.
An experiment was conducted by Center personnel, in which a researcher, who is closely monitored off-site by specially-installed video cameras and hidden microphones, approaches an attractive woman in a single's bar and asks, "Excuse me, but I wonder if I could ask you your opinion; does this cloth smell like chloroform?"
As we noted above, Dr. O'Lading's staff reports 100% effectiveness, using this method.
I'm sure the entire congregation and staff here at the AJATTWC, as well as myself, would like to offer Dr. O'Lading and his team a huge hug, and a warm blanket, for their efforts; it's good to see that the donations from you loyal followers of your Popeamundo are being put to good use.
*Teen Club Meeting*
Sister Brooke Trout, President of the "official" AJATTWC club, "Teen Spleen", tells us that the kids are planning a meeting for next Bastilleday, 7/111, at 15:30 at the home of Teen Club sponsor, Sister Kelly Green, at which time members will discuss and finalize plans to attend the Grand Opening of the new Abercrombie & Fitch store at the local mall. Sister Brooke would like to invite all AJATTWC teens to attend; she says they want a strong turnout for the event so that A&F can have the highest "child exploitation" factor they can achieve at the new store, for which they will then over-charge you for clothes that will last slightly longer than the snow that fell in your yard last January.
Have fun, kids, and enjoy the propaganda.
*Prayer Requests*
~Sister April Showers asks that we remember her father, Brother Possible, who is having surgery next week to have a in-grown head removed;
~Brother Stan Enbecounted asks that we remember our President, good ol' BO, and his efforts to be reelected to the White House, the success of which would save us from that bunch of mental giants that the Republicans are thinking of nominating;
~Brother Count Urchange asks that we remember his pet iguana, Earl, who died suddenly of an intestinal disorder last week. Funeral arrangements are pending.
*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*
The Bored Of Elders of the Church asks that you patronize the local merchants who so willingly support our activities, even the goofy ones. (Our goofy activities, not our goofy sponsors.)
-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law
"We're in it for the dough."
www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com
-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor
"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"
227 North Bondage Ave.
-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"
Visit us at www.labeautiful.com
All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:
-breast augmentation
-breast lifts
-male breast ("moobs") reduction
-hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")
-facelift
-tummy tuck
-and many others
Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin
Free Limo Service with qualified procedures
(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)
Love and hymnals,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
No comments:
Post a Comment