But Don't Quote Me

"...a cloud of dust and a hearty "Hi-ho, Silver..."

According to the "What Do You Think?" poll on MSN.com, when asked the question, "What was your favorite part of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia?", readers of the website responded thusly:

            ~Amazing athletes...........................................29%

            ~Mishaps/memes............................................3%

            ~Team USA gold-medal performances............9%

            ~Bob Costas' eye............................................10%

            ~DIDN'T WATCH........................................49%

These numbers were taken from 323,986 responses, as of 4:00pm CST on 2/25/14.

Your Pope Guy didn't watch either.

FYI, the Pope Guy is yours truly, John The Tall of the All John All The Time World Church and All-Night Diner; if you're interested, there's an almost viable explanation as to how this travesty occurred above (see above).

Recently, your Popeamundo has immersed himself in Presidential and Founding Fathers history, for reasons undetermined at this time; mostly, it just kinda' happened that way.

It probably started about a year ago when I read, back to back, two outstanding biographies: that of Abraham Lincoln, entitled cleverly, "Lincoln", by David Herbert Donald and of Harry S. Truman, also cleverly entitled, "Truman", by the Pulitzer Prize-winning author, David McCullough.

Both were outstanding.

Before long, caught up in a desire to learn more about the background and thinking processes of the various men who have risen to become the most powerful leader in the world, I went on a feeding frenzy of reading, which is my normal routine anyway (being forced to choose between reading and eating, I would have to give the proposition serious consideration), and devoured the following tomes over the last several months:

            ~"John Adams" again by the above-mentioned David McCullough

~"Team Of Rivals" by Doris Kearnes Goodwin, which was the book the movie "Lincoln", with Oscar-winner Daniel Day Lewis, was based on

~"Theodore Rex" by Edmund Morris, which described the Presidential years of Teddy Roosevelt's life

~"Eisenhower" by Stephen E. Ambrose

~"Washington, A Life" by Ron Chernow, an excellent work

~"Thomas Jefferson, The Art Of Power" by Jon Meachum, a wonderful book

And sitting on my shelf waiting patiently are:

~"The First American, The Life And Times of Benjamin Franklin" by H.W. Brands

~"John Quincy Adams" by Harlan Giles Ungar, a distant cousin of Felix, I presume

(Yes, I know Franklin wasn't a President, but he was one of the most influential of the signers of the Declaration Of Independence, so I figured, why not?)

The thing that has struck me about all of the above is number of "quotes", or if I were to use the current vernacular, "sound bites", that appear in the pages of these books.

So I thought to myself, Pope, you should share some of these treasures, with your loyal followers, all three of you, along with some of my own pithy and occasionally deeply profound gems of wisdom, as well as a number of comments, wry and ridiculous, from other famous commentators, Presidential and otherwise.

In no particular order then, here they are:

~"Is the present state of the national republic enough? Is virtue the principle of our government? Is honor? Or is ambition and avarice, adulation, baseness, covetousness, the thirst for riches, indifference concerning the means of rising and enriching, the contempt of principle, the spirit of party and of faction the motive and principle that governs?"

            John Adams

~"Blessed are the tall, for they can reach the top shelf."

            PJTT

~"What would Jesus Christ have preached if he'd taken a poll in Israel?...It isn't polls or public opinion of the moment that counts. It's right and wrong."

            Harry Truman

~"Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities, we didn't have to produce anything. You've never been out of college, you don't know what it's like out there! I've worked in the private sector. They expect results."

            Dr. Raymond Stantz (Dan Akroyd in "Ghostbusters")

~"Free speech is a restraint on government, not an incitement to the citizen."

            Dean Acheson (Secretary of State under Harry Truman)

~"...and blessed are the bewildered, not because they're cool or anything, but because they can use all the help they can get..."

            PJTT

~"Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear."

            Thomas Jefferson

~"A blind horse upon a treadmill, is a perfect illustration of what a laborer should be-all the better for being blind, that he could not tread out of place, or kick understandingly."

            Abraham Lincoln (speaking of a slave society)

~"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."

            Winston Churchill

~"Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours."

            Ronald Reagan

~"America and Britain are two nations divided by a common language."

            George Bernard Shaw, playwright

~"The truth is that the greatest enemies to the doctrines of Jesus are those calling themselves the expositors of them, who have perverted them for the structure of a system of fancy absolutely incomprehensible, and without any foundation in his genuine words."

            Thomas Jefferson

~"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

            Yogi Berra, catcher

~"Blessed are the lazy, for although they don't accomplish much, they're well rested."

            PJTT

~"If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim'."

            Lyndon Johnson

~"They read the same Bible, and pray to the same God, and each invokes His aid against the other."

            Abraham Lincoln (speaking of people of the North and South during the Civil War)

~"There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. My job is not to worry about those people. I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives."
            Mitt Romney, wannabe President

~"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress."

            Ronald Reagan

~"We don't pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes."

            Leona Helmsley, wannabe human being and billionaire

~"For the first time in my adult lifetime, I'm really proud of my country."

Michelle Obama

~"It's like deja-vu, all over again."

Yogi Berra

~"I am on my way to Massachusetts, where I have a son at school, who, if report be true, already knows much more than his father."

Abraham Lincoln

 And my all-time favorite...

~"Never tease an armed midget with a high-five."

            PJTT

Love and quotation marks,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

Cross Your Eyes And Dot Your Tees

"Klaatu barada nikto".

No, that isn't the Latin translation of a sentence from the liturgy of the All John All The Time World Church, as performed by your Pope Guy, John The Tall, leader and head-chef of the AJATTWC, in my quest to spread the message of the "soothing balm of Johnism"; it's the Roman Catholics that used to do that Latin thing, although I understand they've pretty much dropped it now, considering that, well, d'uh, Latin isn't spoken anywhere in the world these days.

No, that's a phrase from one of the all-time great sci-fi movies ever, the 1951 classic "The Day The Earth Stood Still" (not to be confused with "The Day The Fish Came Out", a 1967 comedy about "a weapon more dangerous than a nuclear weapon", which seems like an unusual theme for a comedy), starring Michael Rennie as "Klaatu", the space alien that came to Earth to give us the somber message that if the people of this world didn't clean up our collective acts (speaking of nuclear weapons), the planetary alliance to which his planet belonged would blow the living bejeezus out of us, and that would be that.

They never identified the planet that Klaatu was from, but I suspect it was Zatox. It's also noteworthy that the movie was released the same year I was born, making us both geriatric cases, which is much evidenced in the movie by the rather primitive music and special effects; I have neither.

We were also deeply invested in the Korean War in '51; President Truman was the initiator of the American foreign policy of involvement in "police actions" in far-away countries that waste vast amounts of treasure and cost thousands of lives unnecessarily, and accomplish nothing. (I remember the first time, as a kid in school, when one of the nuns at St. Jude's mentioned Truman by his full name; I thought she was calling him "Harry Ass" Truman, and I couldn't believe she said it.) Despite Harry's getting us involved in Korea, which I'm not sure he had much of a choice about, and being a Democrat, I have always thought him to be one of the better Presidents this country has ever had.)

But I digest.

Anyway, Klaatu told Helen Benson (played by a very good-looking Patricia Neal), one of his fellow boarding-house roomies, after she guessed that he wasn't from Akron OH, that she was to say this to Gort, the 8 foot tall robot that was standing guard outside the spaceship in which Klaatu came to Earth, in case anything bad happened to him (Klaatu), like say a bunch of xenophobic Earthlings shot his butt.

Which of course they ultimately did.

I love this movie, but I've always had a problem with that line. Obviously, given the context, if translated to English it would read, "Klaatu has bought the farm, now go find his dead butt and save him from the heathen Earth aliens before they eat him, or worse, turn him into a Republican."

More or less.

Here's my objection: based on my translation, painstakingly derived from the original Zatoxian, there should be a comma after "barada", as in "Klaatu barada, nikto." You could even have used a semi-colon, which is, according to my Webster's New World Dictionary Of The American Language, which is not to be confused with English necessarily, "a mark of punctuation indicating a degree of separation greater than that marked by a comma and less than that marked by the period".

In American, there should have been a comma at least; in Zatoxian, hard to say.

(George Bernard Shaw, the Irish playwright, once remarked that England and America were "two nations divided by a common language".)

I can't speak for the English, or the French, or the Belarusians, but Americans tend to screw up punctuation pretty regularly, assuming they use it at all.

Case in point, from a real CraigsList ad I saw recently on the Huffington Post, in an article naming the "Eight Strangest Ads Ever On CraigsList", from a guy trying to sell his pick-up truck (and just ignore the fact that the reason he's selling the vehicle is because it has become a four-wheeled bee-hive; that's another issue altogether):

"$1200 obo this has been a good truck for me but i have to sell it because i cant ever get to it with all of the bees around it they have been in and around it for almost 2 months now and i havent been able to get near 5 feet or else i get stung and im sick of it i still have welts from months ago stingings and i cant even get to work because i cant get to my truck so i have to sell it test drives at ur own risk i cant go with you too many bees"

Not bad...a one hundred and four word paragraph with not one punctuation mark. As in none, nada, zip, bupkis, zilch, close your eyes and how many do you see, zero, none. (His spelling and use of capitalization leave something to be desired as well.)

The antithesis to this lack of sentence discernment is the person who over-uses punctuation, another horror.

(Full disclosure here: I am guilty of being a serial abuser of commas and semicolons; if you've ever read any of my posts, you'll know from whence I speak. I tend to beat the crap out of quotation marks and parentheses as well.)

But to my way of thinking, better too many than that abomination above. But that's just me, and what do I know?

I have a family member whose punctuation mark of choice is the exclamation point, as in any sentence that she is trying to express any enthusiasm or shock or surprise is punctuated thusly:

"The grass was green!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I will not reveal the name of this abuser of the "sudden, vehement utterance" point (thank you again, Websters), other than to say that it's my lovely daughter. (Oh, that was subtle.)

Apostrophes are another source of frustration for those of us who believe that written American is rapidly going down the shitter.

Simple rule...if it belongs to someone/thing, use an apostrophe; if its merely plural, don't.

Geez; what in the world are schools teaching kids today?

My only comment on periods will be that I'm sorry women have to have them every 28 days or so; I understand they're unpleasant.

Did you know that bologna is made from cow elbows? For that matter, were you even aware that cows HAD elbows?

Love and !";:(,.'s,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

"Dilbert" cartoon, copyright Scott Adams

Once More, Just For The Halibut

As a follow-up to my post of 1/15/14, please see the photos below (see below), presented as further proof of our obsession as humans with big fish.

 

Right.

Love and Red Lobster,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

The NOBULLetin_February 2014

God's response to this month's NOBULLetin (above).

After numerous complaints from my various followers concerning their inability to keep up with the "happenings" of their favorite religious facility, the All John All The Time World Church, your also favorite Pope (which is at best a dubious distinction, given the lack of competition), John The Tall, leader and head spiritual guy of the AJATTWC, has decided to re-institute the NOBULLetin, which was until I got too lazy to write it, the monthly news organ of the church.

I promise (threaten) that I will publish one every month, from now on, like it or not.

Accordingly, here is the February 2014 edition of your fave church poop-sheet, the NOBULLetin...

*No Further "Johner Of The Month" Award*

            Your Popester, in conjunction with the AJATTWC Bored Of Elders, has decided this month to suspend indefinitely the awarding of the previously coveted "Johner Of The Month" award; this move has been necessitated by several factors, any of which was sufficient in and of itself to justify this decision.

            First, the cost of the prize (typically a gift certificate to Starbucks for a Latte Mocha Jockstrap Chocolate Bicycle Grande Nutmeg Frappachino) was becoming prohibitive. (They're what? $42.56 plus tax these days?)

Second, our church secretary, Ms. Virginia Ham, somehow managed to delete the blank certificate form that we used to fill in with the winner's name and print out for them, and now she can't seem to find another on-line.

And third, the last few winners didn't seem that enthused by the honor. I won't mention any names, but one of them, when notified of her award, remarked that she would rather endure root-canal work without the benefit of anesthesia, then to be named the winner of anything that had to do with the AJATTWC and your Popeamundo.

Isn't it sad how ungrateful your children become as they grow older?

*On-Line Exorcisms Available*

            Speaking of being on-line, church President Hugh Mongous has asked, as a public service to all our members, especially those afflicted with any pesky and/or hard-to-get-rid-of demons or spirits, that the congregation be made aware that Pastor Bob Larson of the Scottsdale AZ International Missions Program will, for the paltry donation of $295 (preferably in cash), be happy to exorcise you of said demons/spirits, using 21st century technology, via Skype.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/29/bob-larson-skype_n_4688323.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news 

            While the AJATTWC has no official position, for or against, with regards to Reverend Larson's ministry, given the activities of some of our members at the latest Teen Club outing (see the photo below of Sister Holly Woode at the event), we would highly recommend that some of the kids consider contacting him.

            Soon.

*Applications For Rectory Housekeeper Being Taken*

            Any of you loyal followers of your Pope Guy who are interested in, or know someone dumb enough to be interested in, the part-time position of Housekeeper at the AJATTWC rectory, should contact our Head Custodian, Brother Alan Wrench, as soon as possible, to apply for the job. Brother Wrench will be happy to discuss hours (which will be long) and salary (which will be miniscule) with you at that time. (Perks? You get to hang with the Pope, how's that?)

            If you're in the market for back breaking, unrewarding labor at wages well below what would be considered decent, please apply soon; as you can see from the photo and video below, we already have several applicants.

http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=32581&utm_source=crowdignite.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=crowdignite.com#.UwIf4M4z3Kc

*Pet Found On Church Property*

            Brother Bill Collector, President of the Men's Club, has asked that the following announcement be made: a pet dog (?) was found on the church's back lawn recently (photo below); the poor little guy was wearing a tag, but it had been burned off so identification of the owner was impossible. If you've lost your favorite pooch in the area, please give Brother Collector a call.

*Church Security Being Upgraded*

            Due to the recent rash of threats to your Popearama from several disgruntled ex-members (something to do with claims of non-performance, and the failure to fulfill certain promises involving "a heavenly experience"), the Bored Of Elders has decided to enhance the protection currently being provided your Pope; to this end, the Bored has contracted with Mr. Bob Upendown of the security firm Tanks A Lot, to furnish bodyguard services on a 24/7 basis. Below is a picture of Mr. Upendown; we hope you will make him welcome when you see him around the church.

*Woman's Club Bake Sale*

            Unfortunately, once again this month, according to Woman's Club President Sue Pervise, there will be no Bake Sale to benefit the Women For Johnism. There has, however, never been a monthly NOBULLetin that did not contain a reference to a Woman's Club Bake Sale, and we certainly didn't want to start an ugly precedent with this month's edition.

*"Women For Johnism" Fondue Party Fund-Raiser*

            However, once again per Sister Sue Pervise, the WFJ will be hosting a fondue party fund-raiser for all interested Church couples in the church meeting hall on Administrative Professional's Day, which this year falls on Wednesday, April 23rd. Please plan to join us for this festive occasion, and to ensure the evening's success, Sister Clair Voyant has a special treat planned for the event (see the photo below). Please contact Sister Pervise by 2/31/14 to make your reservations.

*A Political Non-Endorsement*

            As you all know, it is not the policy of the Bored Of Elders or your Pope Guy to endorse any political candidates for any public office; the reasons for this are manifold:

            One, most politicians are people that your Popeness would not care to be mentioned in the same sentence with, let alone provide an endorsement for their crooked, thieving ways.

            Second, there's no way I'm jeopardizing our tax-exempt status with the IRS to support some sleazy politician. (This church/Pope gig is the greatest tax-dodge ever.)

            However, with that said, the Bored and your Popester would like to acknowledge and congratulate Mr. John Key, the Prime Minister of New Zealand, for clearing up, with his fearless submission to various testing protocols, the issue of whether or not he is a shape-shifting space reptile (see article below).

            We are most grateful to Mr. Key for his announcement, and thank him for his candor.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/16/new-zealand-prime-minister-reptile_n_4798398.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

*Teen Club Outing Announced*

            Deb Utant, President of the AJATTWC's teen club, Teens For John, has announced an outing for all interested TFJ members, and those interested in joining the club, to the upcoming concert of the new boy-band pop sensation, Jump Up Yours (see photo below); the concert is to be held downtown at the Concerts R' Us facility on March 21st, which is also the 312th anniversary of Queen Anne Stuart's address to the British Parliament. Sister Utant asks that you contact her ASAP, as tickets for the event are going fast.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

            Here is a partial list of the businesses that help pay for the NOBULLetin and your Pope Guy's exorbitant salary; please help them out by patronizing their establishments.

            Thanks.

~The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorney's At Law~

            "We're only in it for the dough"

            www.MyAttorneyCanWhipYourAttorney.aba

~Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor~

            "Tie me up and feed me pizza"

            227 N. Bondage Ave.

            555-867-5309

~Rose's Special Buds~

            Florist and Medical Marijuana Shop

            1356 Copabuzz Dr.

            555-456-1111

            Ms. Rose Bush, Proprietor

 "...and blessed are the bewildered, not because they're cool or anything, but because they can use all the help they can get..."

Apollo 13; Dodgers 6

Love and sermons,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

This, That And My Brother

I hope you're listening.

(Actually, I decided to leave out the "my brother" part of this post, since he's fundamentally a self-important know-it-all that I'm sure you guys don't want to hear about anyway.)

So there.

"Is the present state of the national republic enough? Is virtue the principle of our government? Is honor? Or is ambition and avarice, adulation, baseness, covetousness, the thirst for riches, indifference concerning the means of rising and enriching, the contempt of principle, the spirit of party and of faction the motive and principle that governs?"

John Adams, 2nd President of the United States, in a letter to his long-time friend Benjamin Rush, who was not only his physician but the founder of the eponymous rock group, dated 2/6/1805, or 209 years ago today.

(Okay, the part about "the founder of the eponymous rock group" was a vicious lie, but the rest was spot on, for then and, sadly so it seems, for the present day as well. But I promised several of my loyal followers, mainly my daughter, Fred, that I wouldn't comment on politics anymore. Well, maybe occasionally.)

As the leader of an international faith (yes, I am Pope John The Tall, head of the All John All The Time World Church and Currency Exchange; see the explanation at the top of the page for how this travesty came into being), I feel it's my duty to my flock to not only spread the word of the "soothing balm of Johnism", but to keep my finger on the pulse of current events in our world today, and to comment, and hopefully shed light on these sundry mysteries, for the betterment of my dedicated followers.

With that thought in mind, I have gleaned from my readings of the local newspapers and various Internet media outlets a number of items of which I feel the members of the AJATTWC should be aware.

Accordingly, in no apparent order that I can discern:

~Did you know that electricity travels through wires at the rate of 700 MILLION MILES PER HOUR? That's WAY faster than the Speed Of Aroma, a measurement that has been commented upon here in the official AJATTWC blog on quite a few occasions previously. At that rate, electricity would still take 18 minutes to pass through the drive-up at any McDonalds, anywhere. (FYI, I learned this bit of trivia from a Jeffery Deaver novel I'm currently reading, literature being a huge source of scientific data for me.)

~The Denver Broncos were the victims of a botched snap from their starting center, Manny Ramirez, on the first play from scrimmage of Super Bowl XXLVGQPRS (and the game was essentially over at that point), and I have to think that choosing an almost 41-year old ex-baseball player and proven abuser of PEDs for your offensive line has to be asking for trouble; John Fox, what were you thinking?

Hang on, the Popephone is ringing...

"PJTT"..."hey, Mike, what's up?"..."oh, that's not the same Manny Ramirez?"..."oh"..."yeah, okay, I better change that"..."yeah, thanks, almost slobbered a bibful there, didn't I?"..."yeah, you too, see you later."

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one that went to North Carolina); he tells me that the Manny Ramirez who plays for the Broncos isn't the same misguided cretin who screwed up his chances to get into the baseball Hall Of Fame and totally embarrassed himself at the end of his career Manny Ramirez.

Sorry; okay, moving on...

~I called a doctor's office last week for an initial appointment, needing to establish a new physician for myself, having returned recently to the frigid climes of Northern Illinois from the warm and sunny San Fernando Valley area of L.A. The young lady who answered the phone was very nice and very professional, but after I explained that I was a new patient, the first question she asked me was whether or not I have health insurance. Not how did you learn about Dr. X, or how did you come to call our office, just, can you pay? And I thought to myself, Pope, whatever happened to the Hippopotamus Oath that doctors must swear to uphold when they complete medical school? Where does it talk about, get the money info before giving treatment, huh? Geez.

~40 kids at a Utah elementary school had their lunches taken away earlier this week and were given a piece of fruit and a carton of milk as a replacement after lunchroom employees of the school district determined that the 40 children didn't have sufficient money in their "lunch accounts" to pay for the meal. Nice work, Utah school staffers; I personally appreciate how you're guarding our tax dollars (even though I don't, and wouldn't, live in Utah, the home of a lake named after a condiment and a religion whose guardian angel is named "Moroni", which is Italian for "we need to increase contributions"), by ensuring that no innocent, hungry child gets away with cheating the system for a free meal.

~A poll in the "What Do You Think?" portion of the website MSN.com posed the question recently, "Should Justin Bieber Be Deported To Canada?" The results were as follows:

-86% (EIGHTY-SIX PERCENT) responded with a resounding "Yes"

-5% thought he was "valued here" (drug-sellers, apparently)

-3% said they were "not sure" and

-6% asked "who is Justin Beiber?"

One can only hope. (By the way, all of the above is true; I didn't make up any of it, and I'm not above occasionally "inventing" facts, if it serves my purpose.)

~A lawsuit was brought in federal court last month by a resident of Cincinnati OH, Amy Herbst, and her husband, former Army Staff Sgt. James Herbst, alleging that a botched episiotomy performed on Ms. Herbst during the birth of their son at a military hospital caused her to suffer "incontinence" and "excessive gas", and that the uncontrolled flatulence has rendered her unable to continue as a mezzo-soprano for the Nashville Opera Company, where she has been a member of the ensemble since 2012. The couple is seeking $2.5 million in damages and costs. What was most striking to me about this article was the fact that Nashville has an opera company other than The Grand Ol'. I'm also thinking this gives new meaning to the phrase "singing from your diaphragm".

~I cannot help but think that there are a goodly number of you, oh dedicated followers of your Pope, that have thirsted your entire lives to obtain the knowledge of how to make a paper airplane fly continuously. Since I see it as one of my duties as your spiritual leader to help satisfy desires such as these, please see the link below (below) for an explanation of how to achieve this pinochle of aeronautical success.

You may thank me later. 

http://msnvideo.msn.com/?channelindex=2&from=en-us_msnhpvidmod#/video/2280b720-879b-41f2-b88b-43ca7f723195 (paper airplane)

~And lastly, and not a moment too soon I'm sure, speaking of Justin Bieber, and I'd really rather not, here is "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's remarks on how he would handle the current Bieber controversies. 

https://vine.co/v/MzOmgv3TYtT

Love and miscellany,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

The AJATTWC NOBULLetin_January 2014

"We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin..."

January 2014 NO BULLetin

THE ALL JOHN ALL THE TIME WORLD CHURCH

Edited by your favorite Clergyperson

Pope John The Tall

Leader and Head Guy

Well, maybe not a bulletin per se (that's Latin for "flushing toilet", see post from 1/25/14), but more a compendium (that's English for "a summary or abstract containing the essential information in a brief form", which is unusual for me, brevity, that is) of a number of items that have crossed in front of my viewfinder in the last few days, and that I believe deserve comment.

(For those of you who are not regular followers of my work, which is the spreading of the gospel of the "soothing balm of Johnism", an explanation of my now historic ascent to Papal irrelevance appears above.)

FYI, the NOBULLetin is supposed to be a monthly publication, but given time constraints, 24/7 news cycles and writer's block on the part of your Pope, sometimes it's not so regular. Like once a year maybe.

Sorry; I promise to do better in the future.

In no apparent order, which is a hallmark of my writing, here they are:

***From the Love, American Style Department...

            Toni Tennille, 73, the better looking half of the musical act the Captain and Tennille (which in this case is a dubious distinction), announced last week that she has filed for divorce from her husband of THIRTY-NINE YEARS, Captain Horatio Hornblower, a/k/a Daryl Dragon, 71. Ms. Captain cited poor musicianship and questionable taste as the reasons for the break-up of the marriage.

           

THIRTY-NINE YEARS with the same guy and NOW you realize he's the wrong one. What, you weren't paying attention? You're 73 years old and NOW it's back to the dating scene? (To invoke the name of my atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or for short, what, RU Kidding?)

           

Love apparently will not keep them together.

***From the This Is Somehow Very Wrong Department...

            This past Saturday, 1/25/14, in an NHL Pacific Division contest, the Anaheim Ducks beat the Los Angeles Kings 3-0...at Dodger Stadium.

            No, you didn't read that wrong, the game was played outdoors at the home of my favorite baseball team, the Los Angeles Dodgers. See the link below for a video and the story of the game.

            Hockey, at Chavez Ravine.

            I'm sorry, but this is wrong, very wrong. I mean, the picture just looks so weird. I watch just about every Dodgers game on TV during the season, being retired from my regular job (being Pope doesn't require an inordinate amount of my time, d'uh, leaving me ample opportunity to indulge my love of baseball/the Dodgers), not to mention a number of personal visits over the years when I was a resident of L.A., so I see/have seen the stadium frequently and I can tell you, this just isn't right.

            Okay, I'm done kvetching (that's Yiddish for "flushing toilet").

http://espn.go.com/nhl/story/_/id/10353509/nhl-dodger-stadium-game-hockey-anaheim-ducks-los-angeles-kings

***From the When Did That Happen Department?...

            Now I pride myself on being a pretty aware Pope; I make every effort to keep abreast of the news and to be knowledgeable of current events, reading a daily newspaper and surfing a number of on-line news sources regularly. But I have to tell you that your Pope really dropped the proverbial ball on this one; when the hell did stamps get so expensive? The last time I remember the price of a postage stamp, it was 37 cents. (Okay, obviously I haven't been paying attention to this issue lately.)

            But according to numerous articles just about everywhere last week (see the article from the New York Daily News below, as an example), the United States Postal Service, bastion of incompetence and mediocrity, is raising the price of a 1st Class stamp to...FORTY-NINE CENTS.

            I don't have a problem with the amount necessarily, I just wasn't aware that stamps had gone up that much. But whether the price is fair or outrageous notwithstanding, what galls me is this raise vis a vis (that's Latin for "what, are you people kidding with this?") the utter incompetence of the USPS, and to increase their rates again, apparently for the fourth time in as many years, is like adding insult to injury, salt in the wound and what would the fox say. (He'd probably tell you to take your raise and insert it some place unmentionable.)

            I recently moved from the bucolic splendor of the San Fernando Valley area of L.A., back to the frigid plains of Northern Illinois, and in the process of doing so, well in advance of the move, I petitioned the Postal Service folks for a change of address for both my personal and business mail. In the two plus months since the change went into effect, the geniuses at the Post Office have lost at least TEN (you know, like in one more than nine and one less than eleven), TEN pieces of my mail, items that I can verify from the originators were sent but have never arrived.

            Lost in the ozone? Who knows, but I know this much, I never saw them.

            I sent an unpleasant letter to the Postmaster at the Van Nuys CA branch that handles the mail for Sherman Oaks, where I lived, complaining of the service and the loss of my mail; I suspect the letter was passed around at break time (8:00am to 12:00pm daily, after which it's lunch-time, to be followed by an afternoon break from 1:00pm to 5:00pm), and generated some hearty laughs from the employees. (The word "employees" is used here only to indicate the receipt of a paycheck; it is not used to indicate productivity.)

            Gee, it's hard to imagine how an efficient and well-run agency like the Postal Service lost FIVE BILLION DOLLARS last year, isn't it?

            49 cents a stamp? You guys at the USPS have the balls of a rhinoceros.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ostal-service-raises-price-stamp-49-cents-article-1.1592053 

***From the They're All The Rage These Days Department...

            This will probably only be funny to folks who have been following the exploits of the Mars Rover Curiosity; I have, and I thought it was hilarious.

***From the Serious Lack Of Taste Department...

            Cervidae flatulence.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/23/deer-farts-on-camera_n_4653026.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news 

Love and the monthlies,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

Flush With Success

"Having knowledge is to be aware that a tomato is a fruit; having wisdom is knowing not to put one in a fruit salad."

Pope John The Tall, in an address to the United Planets Council, Star Date 5689.65 (CST)

For those of you who follow the various ramblings of your Pope, the aforementioned John The Tall, leader of the All John All The Time World Church and the person, now infamous, who introduced the "soothing balm of Johnism" to an unsuspecting world, and whose ascent to Popedom is described above (see above), you will know that, being dissatisfied with sun and beautiful weather after 13 long, grueling years in the San Fernando Valley region of the Granola City, Los Angeles ("What isn't fruits and nuts is flakes"), I returned to my ancestral roots here on the frigid planes of Northern Illinois recently. (My dissatisfaction with the weather in SoCal is reminiscent of the sarcastic remark by the character Lacy Underall in the movie "Caddyshack": "Daddy thought I was having too much fun in Manhattan." Yeah, there was way too much of that horrible nice weather there in L.A.)

Imagine being removed quickly from a lounge chair in the sun by the pool and dropped unceremoniously into a huge bucket of ice water.

I was having no luck whatsoever with finding an apartment by remote control, i.e., via the Internet, despite my knowledge of the area from my many previous years of residence here, and bemoaned my difficulties to my daughter on several occasions, as we spoke on the phone last fall. She, in casual conversation with her mother-in-law, a very kind and generous lady named Mohandas (that's not her real name; the names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent and the uninformed), mentioned my constant whining about my difficulties, and Mohandas, in a moment of generosity that I'm sure she has since come to regret, offered, through the good offices of Fred, my kid, to allow me to move into her home and temporarily occupy her commodious basement, which was at the time, sitting mostly vacant and cold.

Thinking that apartment hunting would be considerably easier on-site, rather than on-line, I contacted her, we worked out the details and one 2000-mile, 38-hour drive cross-country in a rented 16' truck with my son-in-law and my car, attached firmly to a trailer hooked to the rear (my car, not my son-in-law), the rest, as they say, is geography. Killing two birds with the proverbial single stone, I was now home for the holidays and able to pursue permanent housing in person.

Mohandas is a very nice lady (okay, her real name is Goneril), and she has been more than accommodating during my residence here in her dungeon (it's actually a beautifully neat and clean space, with two remarkable features: 1) it's huge, being large enough for hockey games and 2) it's also cold enough for those same games; it's never above about 60 degrees down here, which is colder than you think when you're sitting at your desk working or lounging in front of the TV). I use her kitchen (sparingly, but I never used my own kitchen more than sparingly before) and her guest bathroom, both of which are upstairs. Other than that, I stay down here, out of her way as much as possible.

It's her bathroom that's the focus of today's little saga, specifically the toilet.

(Now before I relate my tale, let me digress a moment to point something out to you, dear follower of Johnism: anyone who knows me well knows that I am a staunch supporter of equality, in all aspects of life, for women. Equal pay, equal rights, equal everything, the whole enchilada, okay? This isn't a story about an incompetent female, so I don't want to hear any of that "he's a sexist" nonsense from anyone when you've finished reading this.)

One day last week, I ventured into the above-mentioned bathroom, with the express intent of relieving my over-burdened bladder, and upon entering, I noticed a small piece of what looked like, and turned out to be, plastic, lying on the floor next to the commode. Since I was mostly certain it hadn't been there earlier when I was taking my shower, I knew it to be a recent intruder. As my glance moved upwards, I further realized that the small invader of my privacy had, in fact, removed itself from the handle on the toilet that releases the water that flushes same (technical term: "trip lever"), in what was obviously an attempt to escape and secure it's freedom from the tyranny of boring repetition.

After brief examination, my first, and quickly dismissed, thought was to glue it back onto the handle; unfortunately, I immediately recognized that this would, at best, prolong the incipient failure of the handle, and such failure would necessitate my either a) using Mohandas/Goneril's bathroom to relieve myself, b) relieve myself and not flush or c) go in the shower, all of which were unacceptable alternatives.

My next thought was to hustle down to the local purveyor of all things repair, Home Depot, and obtain a replacement; however, closer examination of the now-defunct handle revealed that it was imprinted with the name of the manufacturer, indicating that it was an OEM product. Knowing that my erstwhile "landlady" has intentions of selling her place and retiring in the near future, and not wanting to be the cause of a huge drop in market value ("Yeah, we were gonna' offer her 175 for her place, but when we saw that aftermarket handle on the throne in the guest bath, we knocked 5K right off the top"), and further knowing that the replacements at HD are either cheap junk made in a foreign country where the workers are exploited and earn about 14 cents a week or ridiculously expensive, I figured I'd better seek out an OEM part.

(For the uninitiated, the term "OEM" stands for "Oboe Estover Mitosis".)

Although I'm not a child of the computer age, I have however been using them since the mid-1980's and have well acclimated myself to the 21st century mode of shopping, i.e., finding things on-line. (I may not be able to find an apartment, but a OEM replacement handle for a toilet, no problema.)

I Googled the manufacturer of the toilet (Gerber, and all I could think was that I hoped it wasn't the same company of baby food fame), found a plumbing supply place that sold their parts, located the handle in question, walked upstairs to double-check it was the correct part, (it was), placed the order ($8.19 for the new handle and $9.00 shipping; welcome to the wonderful world of on-line shopping), and less than ten minutes later, the deed was accomplished.

Please note that, to date, I have yet to apprise Mohandas/Goneril of the failure of her plumbing. I have the situation under control.

M/G's new handle arrived several days later at my P.O. box, and after being notified of it's arrival, I picked it up and brought it home; installation was briefer than the time it took to order it (if you've never replaced a toilet handle, trust me, only being severely challenged mechanically would enable someone to make this a difficult project), and the toilet is now back to full functionality.

Later that evening, after M/G had gotten home from work, I arose from the dungeon with the old, broken handle in hand, to explain to her what had happened.

I was a moment into my story of escapist pieces of plastic and broken handles, when I happened to look up and noticed the look on M/G's face: utter perplexity; she seemed to have no idea what the hell I was talking about, let alone any comprehension of the arcane workings of residential plumbing. I was convinced I was correct in my assumption when I asked her, in a moment of attempted levity, if, rather than throw the now-failed part in the garbage, if she would like to keep it as a souvenir, to which she replied, "well, if you think we should".

It was at that moment that I realized that a) some people should probably not own their homes and that b) those same people are the very ones who keep home repair/home handymen in lucrative business.

And gender isn't the issue here, as I'm sure this applies to many of those of the male of the species as well (I once had a neighbor, a guy, who told me his idea of home repair was to call 1-800-HELPME; I have an older brother cast from the same mold), which is why I gave the "I'm not a sexist pig" speech above. That my son-in-law owns his own very successful general contracting business and is very generous with his time is a blessing for this nice lady, otherwise she would be at the mercy of smart-aleck repairpersons like me, who would make bad jokes about souvenir toilet handles and soak her a gazillion to replace same.

And while none of this is of any great import in the overall scheme of life, it provided me with an object lesson of some value: even a broken clock is correct twice a day.

Which of course has nothing to do with my story, but I needed some kind of familiar aphorism to end this tale.

Hey, it was better than even a blind pig finds a truffle now and then.

I can't wait to be around when the furnace filter needs to be changed.

Love and DIY,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.