God's response to this month's NOBULLetin (above).
After numerous complaints from my various followers
concerning their inability to keep up with the "happenings" of their
favorite religious facility, the All John All The Time World Church, your also
favorite Pope (which is at best a dubious distinction, given the lack of
competition), John The Tall, leader and head spiritual guy of the AJATTWC, has
decided to re-institute the NOBULLetin, which was until I got too lazy to write
it, the monthly news organ of the church.
I promise (threaten) that I will publish one every month,
from now on, like it or not.
Accordingly, here is the February 2014 edition of your fave
church poop-sheet, the NOBULLetin...
*No Further "Johner Of The Month" Award*
Your
Popester, in conjunction with the AJATTWC Bored Of Elders, has decided this
month to suspend indefinitely the awarding of the previously coveted
"Johner Of The Month" award; this move has been necessitated by
several factors, any of which was sufficient in and of itself to justify this
decision.
First, the
cost of the prize (typically a gift certificate to Starbucks for a Latte Mocha
Jockstrap Chocolate Bicycle Grande Nutmeg Frappachino) was becoming
prohibitive. (They're what? $42.56 plus tax these days?)
Second, our church secretary, Ms.
Virginia Ham, somehow managed to delete the blank certificate form that we used
to fill in with the winner's name and print out for them, and now she can't
seem to find another on-line.
And third, the last few winners
didn't seem that enthused by the honor. I won't mention any names, but one of
them, when notified of her award, remarked that she would rather endure
root-canal work without the benefit of anesthesia, then to be named the winner
of anything that had to do with the AJATTWC and your Popeamundo.
Isn't it sad how ungrateful your
children become as they grow older?
*On-Line Exorcisms Available*
Speaking of
being on-line, church President Hugh Mongous has asked, as a public service to
all our members, especially those afflicted with any pesky and/or
hard-to-get-rid-of demons or spirits, that the congregation be made aware that
Pastor Bob Larson of the Scottsdale AZ International Missions Program will, for
the paltry donation of $295 (preferably in cash), be happy to exorcise you of said demons/spirits, using 21st century technology, via Skype.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/29/bob-larson-skype_n_4688323.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/29/bob-larson-skype_n_4688323.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news
While the
AJATTWC has no official position, for or against, with regards to Reverend
Larson's ministry, given the activities of some of our members at the latest
Teen Club outing (see the photo below of Sister Holly Woode at the event), we
would highly recommend that some of the kids consider contacting him.
Soon.
*Applications For Rectory Housekeeper Being Taken*
Any of you
loyal followers of your Pope Guy who are interested in, or know someone dumb enough
to be interested in, the part-time position of Housekeeper at the AJATTWC
rectory, should contact our Head Custodian, Brother Alan Wrench, as soon as
possible, to apply for the job. Brother Wrench will be happy to discuss hours
(which will be long) and salary (which will be miniscule) with you at that
time. (Perks? You get to hang with the Pope, how's that?)
If you're
in the market for back breaking, unrewarding labor at wages well below what
would be considered decent, please apply soon; as you can see from the photo
and video below, we already have several applicants.
*Pet Found On Church Property*
Brother
Bill Collector, President of the Men's Club, has asked that the following
announcement be made: a pet dog (?) was found on the church's back lawn
recently (photo below); the poor little guy was wearing a tag, but it had been
burned off so identification of the owner was impossible. If you've lost your
favorite pooch in the area, please give Brother Collector a call.
*Church Security Being Upgraded*
Due to the
recent rash of threats to your Popearama from several disgruntled ex-members
(something to do with claims of non-performance, and the failure to fulfill
certain promises involving "a heavenly experience"), the Bored Of
Elders has decided to enhance the protection currently being provided your
Pope; to this end, the Bored has contracted with Mr. Bob Upendown of the
security firm Tanks A Lot, to furnish bodyguard services on a 24/7 basis. Below
is a picture of Mr. Upendown; we hope you will make him welcome when you see
him around the church.
*Woman's Club Bake Sale*
Unfortunately,
once again this month, according to Woman's Club President Sue Pervise, there
will be no Bake Sale to benefit the Women For Johnism. There has, however,
never been a monthly NOBULLetin that did not contain a reference to a
Woman's Club Bake Sale, and we certainly didn't want to start an ugly precedent
with this month's edition.
*"Women For Johnism" Fondue Party Fund-Raiser*
However,
once again per Sister Sue Pervise, the WFJ will be hosting a fondue party
fund-raiser for all interested Church couples in the church meeting hall on
Administrative Professional's Day, which this year falls on Wednesday, April
23rd. Please plan to join us for this festive occasion, and to ensure the
evening's success, Sister Clair Voyant has a special treat planned for the
event (see the photo below). Please contact Sister Pervise by 2/31/14 to make
your reservations.
*A Political Non-Endorsement*
As you all
know, it is not the policy of the Bored Of Elders or your Pope Guy to endorse
any political candidates for any public office; the reasons for this are
manifold:
One, most
politicians are people that your Popeness would not care to be mentioned in the
same sentence with, let alone provide an endorsement for their crooked,
thieving ways.
Second,
there's no way I'm jeopardizing our tax-exempt status with the IRS to support
some sleazy politician. (This church/Pope gig is the greatest tax-dodge ever.)
However,
with that said, the Bored and your Popester would like to acknowledge and
congratulate Mr. John Key, the Prime Minister of New Zealand, for clearing up,
with his fearless submission to various testing protocols, the issue of whether
or not he is a shape-shifting space reptile (see article below).
We are most
grateful to Mr. Key for his announcement, and thank him for his candor.
*Teen Club Outing Announced*
Deb Utant,
President of the AJATTWC's teen club, Teens For John, has announced an outing
for all interested TFJ members, and those interested in joining the club, to
the upcoming concert of the new boy-band pop sensation, Jump Up Yours (see
photo below); the concert is to be held downtown at the Concerts R' Us facility
on March 21st, which is also the 312th anniversary of Queen Anne Stuart's
address to the British Parliament. Sister Utant asks that you contact her ASAP,
as tickets for the event are going fast.
*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*
Here is a
partial list of the businesses that help pay for the NOBULLetin and your Pope
Guy's exorbitant salary; please help them out by patronizing their
establishments.
Thanks.
~The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorney's At Law~
"We're
only in it for the dough"
www.MyAttorneyCanWhipYourAttorney.aba
~Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor~
"Tie
me up and feed me pizza"
227 N.
Bondage Ave.
555-867-5309
~Rose's Special Buds~
Florist and
Medical Marijuana Shop
1356
Copabuzz Dr.
555-456-1111
Ms. Rose
Bush, Proprietor
"...and
blessed are the bewildered, not because they're cool or anything, but because
they can use all the help they can get..."
Apollo 13; Dodgers 6
Love and sermons,
PJTT
copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.
