The NOBULLetin_February 2014

God's response to this month's NOBULLetin (above).

After numerous complaints from my various followers concerning their inability to keep up with the "happenings" of their favorite religious facility, the All John All The Time World Church, your also favorite Pope (which is at best a dubious distinction, given the lack of competition), John The Tall, leader and head spiritual guy of the AJATTWC, has decided to re-institute the NOBULLetin, which was until I got too lazy to write it, the monthly news organ of the church.

I promise (threaten) that I will publish one every month, from now on, like it or not.

Accordingly, here is the February 2014 edition of your fave church poop-sheet, the NOBULLetin...

*No Further "Johner Of The Month" Award*

            Your Popester, in conjunction with the AJATTWC Bored Of Elders, has decided this month to suspend indefinitely the awarding of the previously coveted "Johner Of The Month" award; this move has been necessitated by several factors, any of which was sufficient in and of itself to justify this decision.

            First, the cost of the prize (typically a gift certificate to Starbucks for a Latte Mocha Jockstrap Chocolate Bicycle Grande Nutmeg Frappachino) was becoming prohibitive. (They're what? $42.56 plus tax these days?)

Second, our church secretary, Ms. Virginia Ham, somehow managed to delete the blank certificate form that we used to fill in with the winner's name and print out for them, and now she can't seem to find another on-line.

And third, the last few winners didn't seem that enthused by the honor. I won't mention any names, but one of them, when notified of her award, remarked that she would rather endure root-canal work without the benefit of anesthesia, then to be named the winner of anything that had to do with the AJATTWC and your Popeamundo.

Isn't it sad how ungrateful your children become as they grow older?

*On-Line Exorcisms Available*

            Speaking of being on-line, church President Hugh Mongous has asked, as a public service to all our members, especially those afflicted with any pesky and/or hard-to-get-rid-of demons or spirits, that the congregation be made aware that Pastor Bob Larson of the Scottsdale AZ International Missions Program will, for the paltry donation of $295 (preferably in cash), be happy to exorcise you of said demons/spirits, using 21st century technology, via Skype.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/29/bob-larson-skype_n_4688323.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news 

            While the AJATTWC has no official position, for or against, with regards to Reverend Larson's ministry, given the activities of some of our members at the latest Teen Club outing (see the photo below of Sister Holly Woode at the event), we would highly recommend that some of the kids consider contacting him.

            Soon.

*Applications For Rectory Housekeeper Being Taken*

            Any of you loyal followers of your Pope Guy who are interested in, or know someone dumb enough to be interested in, the part-time position of Housekeeper at the AJATTWC rectory, should contact our Head Custodian, Brother Alan Wrench, as soon as possible, to apply for the job. Brother Wrench will be happy to discuss hours (which will be long) and salary (which will be miniscule) with you at that time. (Perks? You get to hang with the Pope, how's that?)

            If you're in the market for back breaking, unrewarding labor at wages well below what would be considered decent, please apply soon; as you can see from the photo and video below, we already have several applicants.

http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=32581&utm_source=crowdignite.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=crowdignite.com#.UwIf4M4z3Kc

*Pet Found On Church Property*

            Brother Bill Collector, President of the Men's Club, has asked that the following announcement be made: a pet dog (?) was found on the church's back lawn recently (photo below); the poor little guy was wearing a tag, but it had been burned off so identification of the owner was impossible. If you've lost your favorite pooch in the area, please give Brother Collector a call.

*Church Security Being Upgraded*

            Due to the recent rash of threats to your Popearama from several disgruntled ex-members (something to do with claims of non-performance, and the failure to fulfill certain promises involving "a heavenly experience"), the Bored Of Elders has decided to enhance the protection currently being provided your Pope; to this end, the Bored has contracted with Mr. Bob Upendown of the security firm Tanks A Lot, to furnish bodyguard services on a 24/7 basis. Below is a picture of Mr. Upendown; we hope you will make him welcome when you see him around the church.

*Woman's Club Bake Sale*

            Unfortunately, once again this month, according to Woman's Club President Sue Pervise, there will be no Bake Sale to benefit the Women For Johnism. There has, however, never been a monthly NOBULLetin that did not contain a reference to a Woman's Club Bake Sale, and we certainly didn't want to start an ugly precedent with this month's edition.

*"Women For Johnism" Fondue Party Fund-Raiser*

            However, once again per Sister Sue Pervise, the WFJ will be hosting a fondue party fund-raiser for all interested Church couples in the church meeting hall on Administrative Professional's Day, which this year falls on Wednesday, April 23rd. Please plan to join us for this festive occasion, and to ensure the evening's success, Sister Clair Voyant has a special treat planned for the event (see the photo below). Please contact Sister Pervise by 2/31/14 to make your reservations.

*A Political Non-Endorsement*

            As you all know, it is not the policy of the Bored Of Elders or your Pope Guy to endorse any political candidates for any public office; the reasons for this are manifold:

            One, most politicians are people that your Popeness would not care to be mentioned in the same sentence with, let alone provide an endorsement for their crooked, thieving ways.

            Second, there's no way I'm jeopardizing our tax-exempt status with the IRS to support some sleazy politician. (This church/Pope gig is the greatest tax-dodge ever.)

            However, with that said, the Bored and your Popester would like to acknowledge and congratulate Mr. John Key, the Prime Minister of New Zealand, for clearing up, with his fearless submission to various testing protocols, the issue of whether or not he is a shape-shifting space reptile (see article below).

            We are most grateful to Mr. Key for his announcement, and thank him for his candor.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/16/new-zealand-prime-minister-reptile_n_4798398.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

*Teen Club Outing Announced*

            Deb Utant, President of the AJATTWC's teen club, Teens For John, has announced an outing for all interested TFJ members, and those interested in joining the club, to the upcoming concert of the new boy-band pop sensation, Jump Up Yours (see photo below); the concert is to be held downtown at the Concerts R' Us facility on March 21st, which is also the 312th anniversary of Queen Anne Stuart's address to the British Parliament. Sister Utant asks that you contact her ASAP, as tickets for the event are going fast.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

            Here is a partial list of the businesses that help pay for the NOBULLetin and your Pope Guy's exorbitant salary; please help them out by patronizing their establishments.

            Thanks.

~The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorney's At Law~

            "We're only in it for the dough"

            www.MyAttorneyCanWhipYourAttorney.aba

~Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor~

            "Tie me up and feed me pizza"

            227 N. Bondage Ave.

            555-867-5309

~Rose's Special Buds~

            Florist and Medical Marijuana Shop

            1356 Copabuzz Dr.

            555-456-1111

            Ms. Rose Bush, Proprietor

 "...and blessed are the bewildered, not because they're cool or anything, but because they can use all the help they can get..."

Apollo 13; Dodgers 6

Love and sermons,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

The July 2011 NO BULLetin

"When in the course of human events it becomes...", wait, that's not how I wanted to open today's post.

Let's try that again.

As is the case once every month, more or less, it's time for the All John All The Time World Church's "NO BULLetin", which this month is chock-full of all kinds of interesting and important announcements and news for all you loyal followers of your Pope Dude, John The Tall (and incredibly smart). I've got so many items to bring you this month that I think I should get started right away. (What, you thought I would tell you about the bulletin and then not let you read it? What is that?)

*Men's/Women's Club Ball Game Outing Cancelled*

            As you can see from the picture above, taken at the ballpark by Brother Al Berkerke, the exhibition baseball game that had been scheduled between our local team, the Barnville Buttwads and the visiting Chicago Cubs, which the Men's and Women's clubs were supposed to attend in a combined Church outing, had to be cancelled just prior to the game.

            I don't want to say the Cubs are bad, but that's their won-loss record coming into town just ahead of them.

            Brother Justin Tyme suggested that we see a basketball game for our next outing. (Yeah, anybody but the Miami Hate.)

*AJATTWC Now Has BINGO*

            That's right, followers of the Pope Guy, the AJATTWC will now host a weekly Bingo game, to be held in the Church Meeting Hall, every Whitsuntide evening at 45:03lm. Prizes will be awarded and refreshments will be served afterwards.

            So come on down to the Church Hall next Whitsuntide and get in on the fun; there will be a grand prize for the evening's top winner of $535 Gazillion, (from which a small honorarium to your Pope, say of 1/2, would be appropriate), and there will be other prizes, and a raffle for a door prize as well. (Windows will be available to those of you who don't need a door.)

            Sister Rosemary Enthyme is in charge of refreshments and asks that anyone who would like to bring a dish to please contact her. (Bringing something in the dish would be super too.)

*Announcing the "JOHNER OF THE MONTH"*

            Due to her steadfast support of your Pope and his ministry, (not to mention the donation to the Church of $6.32), the AJATTWC is pleased to announce that...

Marlo Bernier of

Sherman Oaks CA

...is the "Johner Of The Month" for July 2011, and as such will receive a small, boiler-plate certificate that proclaims the above to the uncaring world. That and 5 bucks will get her a Mocha Frappacinno Cinnamon Latte Camshaft Ertle Vente at Starbuck's.

            Nice going, Marlo!

*Softball Team Tryouts*

            Anyone interested in joining the AJATTWC Co-Ed Softball Team should sign-up for try-outs in the church office before Schnootday, 7/56. Brother Painin Guerrier will be organizing the team, and plans to manage as well, and says that the team will be competing in the Midwest/All Galactic Church Softball League and PAC, and will play a schedule of 162 games this year, with playoff and championship rounds at the end of the regular season, and then will undertake campaign fund-raising activities for ANYONE other than Sarah Plain And Loud.

            All players must have their own glove and "cup", (women as well) and Brother G, you can stop bragging about needing a "24-ouncer" for yours.

*Concert In The Church Hall*

            Next Arborday, 7/.6, the Church will host a concert in the Church Meeting Hall, featuring the Hornwater Doo Dah Band from South Wales and North Dolphins; the band features lead singer Mike "How's Your Sister And Your Wife? She's Fine" Krophone, and they will be performing, amongst other selections, their recent hit, "Do It To Me Again, Without The Hammer This Time".

            Tickets are $9632.00 each, and can be purchased in advance by seeing Sister Holly Woode in the Church office, or can be purchased at the door on the night of the concert.

            Come on out and let's have an old-fashioned orgy, err, good time.

*Women's Club Bake Sale*

            There is no Bake Sale scheduled at this time; however, there has never been a NO BULLetin that didn't contain an announcement for a "Women's Club Bake Sale", and I didn't want to disappoint anyone.

*Think Tank Report*

            The AJATTWC-sponsored think tank, the Center For The Serious Consideration Of Weighty Matters, has released their monthly "progress" report, according to Center director, Dr. Bill O'Lading.

            According to the report, the Center is currently engaged in a study of long-term dating among singles in today's fast-paced, social network-ruled world, and Dr. O'Lading says that, as part of this study, his researchers at the Center have discovered a pick-up line that works with 100% effectiveness.

            An experiment was conducted by Center personnel, in which a researcher, who is closely monitored off-site by specially-installed video cameras and hidden microphones, approaches an attractive woman in a single's bar and asks, "Excuse me, but I wonder if I could ask you your opinion; does this cloth smell like chloroform?"

As we noted above, Dr. O'Lading's staff reports 100% effectiveness, using this method.

I'm sure the entire congregation and staff here at the AJATTWC, as well as myself, would like to offer Dr. O'Lading and his team a huge hug, and a warm blanket, for their efforts; it's good to see that the donations from you loyal followers of your Popeamundo are being put to good use.

*Teen Club Meeting*

            Sister Brooke Trout, President of the "official" AJATTWC club, "Teen Spleen", tells us that the kids are planning a meeting for next Bastilleday, 7/111, at 15:30 at the home of Teen Club sponsor, Sister Kelly Green, at which time members will discuss and finalize plans to attend the Grand Opening of the new Abercrombie & Fitch store at the local mall. Sister Brooke would like to invite all AJATTWC teens to attend; she says they want a strong turnout for the event so that A&F can have the highest "child exploitation" factor they can achieve at the new store, for which they will then over-charge you for clothes that will last slightly longer than the snow that fell in your yard last January.

            Have fun, kids, and enjoy the propaganda.

*Prayer Requests*

            ~Sister April Showers asks that we remember her father, Brother Possible, who is having surgery next week to have a in-grown head removed;

            ~Brother Stan Enbecounted asks that we remember our President, good ol' BO, and his efforts to be reelected to the White House, the success of which would save us from that bunch of mental giants that the Republicans are thinking of nominating;

            ~Brother Count Urchange asks that we remember his pet iguana, Earl, who died suddenly of an intestinal disorder last week. Funeral arrangements are pending.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

            The Bored Of Elders of the Church asks that you patronize the local merchants who so willingly support our activities, even the goofy ones. (Our goofy activities, not our goofy sponsors.)

-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law

"We're in it for the dough."

            www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com

-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor

"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"

227 North Bondage Ave.

-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"

            Visit us at www.labeautiful.com

            All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:

            -breast augmentation

            -breast lifts

            -male breast ("moobs") reduction

            -hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")

            -facelift

            -tummy tuck

            -and many others

            Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin

            Free Limo Service with qualified procedures

(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)

Love and hymnals,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.