The AJATTWC NOBULLetin_January 2014

"We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin..."

January 2014 NO BULLetin

THE ALL JOHN ALL THE TIME WORLD CHURCH

Edited by your favorite Clergyperson

Pope John The Tall

Leader and Head Guy

Well, maybe not a bulletin per se (that's Latin for "flushing toilet", see post from 1/25/14), but more a compendium (that's English for "a summary or abstract containing the essential information in a brief form", which is unusual for me, brevity, that is) of a number of items that have crossed in front of my viewfinder in the last few days, and that I believe deserve comment.

(For those of you who are not regular followers of my work, which is the spreading of the gospel of the "soothing balm of Johnism", an explanation of my now historic ascent to Papal irrelevance appears above.)

FYI, the NOBULLetin is supposed to be a monthly publication, but given time constraints, 24/7 news cycles and writer's block on the part of your Pope, sometimes it's not so regular. Like once a year maybe.

Sorry; I promise to do better in the future.

In no apparent order, which is a hallmark of my writing, here they are:

***From the Love, American Style Department...

            Toni Tennille, 73, the better looking half of the musical act the Captain and Tennille (which in this case is a dubious distinction), announced last week that she has filed for divorce from her husband of THIRTY-NINE YEARS, Captain Horatio Hornblower, a/k/a Daryl Dragon, 71. Ms. Captain cited poor musicianship and questionable taste as the reasons for the break-up of the marriage.

           

THIRTY-NINE YEARS with the same guy and NOW you realize he's the wrong one. What, you weren't paying attention? You're 73 years old and NOW it's back to the dating scene? (To invoke the name of my atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or for short, what, RU Kidding?)

           

Love apparently will not keep them together.

***From the This Is Somehow Very Wrong Department...

            This past Saturday, 1/25/14, in an NHL Pacific Division contest, the Anaheim Ducks beat the Los Angeles Kings 3-0...at Dodger Stadium.

            No, you didn't read that wrong, the game was played outdoors at the home of my favorite baseball team, the Los Angeles Dodgers. See the link below for a video and the story of the game.

            Hockey, at Chavez Ravine.

            I'm sorry, but this is wrong, very wrong. I mean, the picture just looks so weird. I watch just about every Dodgers game on TV during the season, being retired from my regular job (being Pope doesn't require an inordinate amount of my time, d'uh, leaving me ample opportunity to indulge my love of baseball/the Dodgers), not to mention a number of personal visits over the years when I was a resident of L.A., so I see/have seen the stadium frequently and I can tell you, this just isn't right.

            Okay, I'm done kvetching (that's Yiddish for "flushing toilet").

http://espn.go.com/nhl/story/_/id/10353509/nhl-dodger-stadium-game-hockey-anaheim-ducks-los-angeles-kings

***From the When Did That Happen Department?...

            Now I pride myself on being a pretty aware Pope; I make every effort to keep abreast of the news and to be knowledgeable of current events, reading a daily newspaper and surfing a number of on-line news sources regularly. But I have to tell you that your Pope really dropped the proverbial ball on this one; when the hell did stamps get so expensive? The last time I remember the price of a postage stamp, it was 37 cents. (Okay, obviously I haven't been paying attention to this issue lately.)

            But according to numerous articles just about everywhere last week (see the article from the New York Daily News below, as an example), the United States Postal Service, bastion of incompetence and mediocrity, is raising the price of a 1st Class stamp to...FORTY-NINE CENTS.

            I don't have a problem with the amount necessarily, I just wasn't aware that stamps had gone up that much. But whether the price is fair or outrageous notwithstanding, what galls me is this raise vis a vis (that's Latin for "what, are you people kidding with this?") the utter incompetence of the USPS, and to increase their rates again, apparently for the fourth time in as many years, is like adding insult to injury, salt in the wound and what would the fox say. (He'd probably tell you to take your raise and insert it some place unmentionable.)

            I recently moved from the bucolic splendor of the San Fernando Valley area of L.A., back to the frigid plains of Northern Illinois, and in the process of doing so, well in advance of the move, I petitioned the Postal Service folks for a change of address for both my personal and business mail. In the two plus months since the change went into effect, the geniuses at the Post Office have lost at least TEN (you know, like in one more than nine and one less than eleven), TEN pieces of my mail, items that I can verify from the originators were sent but have never arrived.

            Lost in the ozone? Who knows, but I know this much, I never saw them.

            I sent an unpleasant letter to the Postmaster at the Van Nuys CA branch that handles the mail for Sherman Oaks, where I lived, complaining of the service and the loss of my mail; I suspect the letter was passed around at break time (8:00am to 12:00pm daily, after which it's lunch-time, to be followed by an afternoon break from 1:00pm to 5:00pm), and generated some hearty laughs from the employees. (The word "employees" is used here only to indicate the receipt of a paycheck; it is not used to indicate productivity.)

            Gee, it's hard to imagine how an efficient and well-run agency like the Postal Service lost FIVE BILLION DOLLARS last year, isn't it?

            49 cents a stamp? You guys at the USPS have the balls of a rhinoceros.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ostal-service-raises-price-stamp-49-cents-article-1.1592053 

***From the They're All The Rage These Days Department...

            This will probably only be funny to folks who have been following the exploits of the Mars Rover Curiosity; I have, and I thought it was hilarious.

***From the Serious Lack Of Taste Department...

            Cervidae flatulence.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/23/deer-farts-on-camera_n_4653026.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news 

Love and the monthlies,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

This, That And The Other (Its Your Choice)

That is a Porsche 914, one of the few automobiles in the world with an air-cooled engine; that's right, sports fans, no radiator, no coolant. I actually used to own one of these, a 1974; it was a great car. They only produced this model for a few years, from '69 through '76. (Mine was white; unlike the 914, I am not air-cooled, nor is my engine in the rear.)

I'm sitting here, deep in the throes of evening on a Sunday, in the headquarters of the All John All The Time World Church, located here in the benign but deeply confused San Fernando Valley, wondering what I should write about; I've often read about authors (real ones) being tormented by "writer's block" and never understood how exasperating it can be. ("Writer's block", I assume, is the equivalent of "athlete's foot" to athletes or "fireman's carry" to...; never mind.)

Anyway, as is frequently the case with your Pope (yes, I am Pope John The Tall, leader of the AJATTWC; how I came to hold such a lofty position in life is explained above) (see above), I have no particular theme for today's post, nor reason to write one, other than being afflicted with the inability to keep my mouth shut. Or my thoughts to myself.

So for lack of a better subject, this will be another essay on "This, That And The Other".

Rather than a treatise, say, on quantum mechanics, a subject of which I know absolutely nothing; my knowledge of quantum mechanics is equal to my understanding of women.

*** The legislature of the great state of Tennessee recently passed a law making it legal for school-teachers to beat their students profusely with a large stick any time they so choose; wait, that's incorrect, that was the Mississippi legislature that passed that law. No, Tennessee made it legal for teachers to challenge "the teaching of some scientific subjects," including global warming, evolution, human cloning and gravity. (One can only assume that Scientology and astrology are not targets for later legislation; and okay, I made up the part about gravity.)

There are NUMEROUS comments I could make about the passage of this law, but since I make a studious effort to avoid speaking of politics here on my blog, I will refrain. I will say that the great state of Tennessee is second to none in its respect and admiration for teachers everywhere, and that the lawmakers of the State feel strongly about the American flag, motherhood and apple pie, not in that order.

And I feel certain that, should I ever decide to run for political office, the above comment would be completely apropos in all instances I would be called upon to express an opinion or to articulate a stand on some issue or another. (As a Christian, I am pleased that Intelligent Design can now be taught, right alongside Darwin's theory of evolution, in Tennessee schools; as a moderate, I'm terrified what some conservative right-wingnuts will do with this opportunity.)

So much for refraining from "speaking of politics".

*** Speaking of politicians with no discernible agenda (we were?), I came across this gem in the third volume of the incredible series of books on Presidential elections, "The Making Of The President 1968", by one of the most erudite and influential political authors of all time, Mr. Theodore H. White, who won a Pulitzer Prize for his first volume, "The Making Of The President 1960". Mr. White, speaking of the candidacy of George Romney, then governor of Michigan and father of the current presumptive Republican Presidential nominee, "Mittens", quotes then governor of Ohio, James Rhodes, as saying the following: "Watching George Romney run for the Presidency is like watching a duck try to make love to a football", proving unequivocally that history, indeed, does have the capacity to repeat itself. (Why do I suspect that Governor Rhodes used slightly saltier language when making this observation in private?)

*** Today is April 15th; do you know where your tax return is?

*** Organizers of the 2012 Summer Olympics in London recently contacted Bill Curbishley, manager of the rock band The Who, to inquire as to whether drummer Keith Moon would be interested, and available, to perform in the opening ceremonies of the quadrennial sporting event.

Unfortunately, Mr. Moon died in 1978, making him both a) deceased and, I would imagine, b) unavailable.

Mr. Moon is currently the drummer for the All Dead Band, which features Jimi Hendrix on guitar, Jim Morrison as lead vocalist, fellow Who member John Entwhistle on bass, Janis Joplin as back-up vocalist, both John Lennon and George Harrison on rhythm guitars and Bob Marley as resident reggae person.

To quote Homer Simpson: "D'uh."

*** If there is a more beautiful stadium in Major League Baseball than Dodger Stadium, which celebrates it's 50th birthday this month, well, actually, there isn't. Thank you, to Mr. Walter O'Malley and his family, for bringing the team to Los Angeles all those years ago, and building this incredible edifice to the greatest game in the world in the foothills of the San Gabriel Mountains. He was truly, one of a kind, as is his stadium. (And you can mark this date, 4/15/12, as the day I predicted that the '12 Dodgers will make the playoffs this year. Book it.)

FYI, Dodger Stadium is the third oldest park in baseball, with Fenway Park in Boston, home of the ridiculous "Green Monster" left-field wall, in second place, and the granddaddy of them all, the oldest stadium in the country and home of the most futile organization in the history of modern sports, the Chicago Cubs, Wrigley Field in Chicago. (If you look up the word "futile" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of the Cubs.)

*** For those of you who do not understand the joys of apartment living, the above is a picture of my garden, as viewed from my front porch, all one of it. (There is, at once, to my mind anyway, something heroic and yet very poignant about this picture.) FYI, I can happily report that, since the picture was taken, several days ago, the "garden" is growing well and amazingly fast. I should be up to my gunwales in tomatoes by summer.

Apparently, tomato plants have no recognition of the theory of gravity, much like the legislature of the State of Tennessee.

"Then God said, 'I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.'" Genesis 1:29

He did not, however, clear up the controversy over whether the tomato is a fruit or a vegetable; there is also some doubt about my older brother, along the same lines.

Oh, and in looking up "gunwale" in my Webster's New World Dictionary Of The American Language (not to be confused with English), I found the following definition:

"A large marine creature with an AK-47 rifle growing from its frontal lobe."

And just for the record, at least in MY dictionary, "cleanliness" in NOT next to Godliness, it's next to "cleanly".

Love and miscellany,

PJTT

copyright 2012 Krissongs, Inc.