My last post was a ghost story (see "Maybe It Was Caspar's Older Sister", 1/4/14), so now I guess it's time for
a fish story. Well, not exactly a "fish story" per se (that's
Latin for "accidental bowel leakage") but a plea for a new national
holiday, based on this country's obsession with...
...big fish.
(I saw an ad in the Chicago Tribune last week for a new
product called the "Butterfly", which purports to cure the
embarrassment of ABL, or "accidental bowel leakage", which, while I'm
sure isn't funny to the people who suffer from this malady, I thought was
totally hysterical.)
As your favorite Pope, that is, Pope John The Tall of the
All John All The Time World Church (see above for a convoluted explanation of
my meteoric rise to blogger superstardom), I feel it is my beholden duty to
advocate for certain causes that arise from time to time in my viewfinder.
Like it or not.
In the opening scene of the wonderful Rob Reiner movie (and
FYI, I'm not crazy about Reiner's politics, but I do enjoy his movies)
"The American President", the Pres, Andrew Shepard, played to a tea
by Michael Douglas, is striding down a hallway in the White House, while his
assistant, Janie, is scurrying along beside him, reminding him of the day's
schedule, and making notes of his comments.
"And at 11:00 you have the Wisconsin Chamber of
Commerce here to give you a 200 pound sturgeon," says the erstwhile young
lady.
(Full disclosure here: I had the movie on an old VHS tape,
which unfortunately I no longer own, having FINALLY made my entry into the 21st
century world of home entertainment by obtaining a DVD player just last year;
accordingly, I can't quote the dialogue exactly, but I'm pretty close. Sorry.)
"Janie, make a note," says Pres Shepard, a wry
smile on his face, "we need to schedule more events where some group gives
me a big fish."
"Yes, sir," replies Janie, serious as a heart
attack.
"Janie, it was a joke."
"Yes, sir," says Janie, who will never be inducted into
the Comedy Club Audience Hall Of Fame, apparently having absolutely on sense of
humor whatsoever.
FYI, that's a "Dunkleosteus" at the top of the
page, a prehistoric beastie said to measure up to 33 meters in length, which in
feet is about 4,953, give or take a millimeter or two.
What exactly is this obsession people have with large fish?
I mean, all the way back to the Bible and the story of Jonah and the whale
(three days and nights at the whale stomach resort of your choice, yuck) on
through Herman Melville and his famed maimer of Captain Ahab (played with
sinister abandon by Gregory Peck), Moby Dick, we seem to have this thing with
fish the size of South Dakota.
(I did some research on the name "Moby Dick":
according to melville.org, the name probably came from an "article by
Jeremiah Reynolds, published in the New York Knickerbocker Magazine in
May 1839. Mocha Dick: or The
White Whale of the Pacific recounted the capture of a giant white
sperm whale that had become infamous among whalers for its violent attacks on
ships and their crews. The meaning of the name itself is quite simple: the
whale was often sighted in the vicinity of the island of Mocha, and
"Dick" was merely a generic name like "Jack" or
"Tom" -- names of other deadly whales cited by Melville in Chapter 45
of Moby-Dick." The author goes
on to explain that no one quite knows why Melville changed the name to
"Moby"; maybe he preferred the Caramel Flan Latte.)
Okay, so we have a
"thing" for large, gill-bearing aquatic craniates (thank you,
WikiPedia). So I figured, given everything, we should have a National Big Fish
Day, to celebrate our grand obsession.
I would think, given
Congress' willingness to throw money at just about anything, that our national
legislators could cough up a few bucks for another national holiday. And surely
our good President (played by Barrack Obama, in a manner reminiscent of other
great performances by such acting luminaries as Corey Feldman or the Muppets)
would have no problem signing into law a bill that establishes a particular day
to commemorate and celebrate all the over-sized ichthyological wonders of the
deep. Of course, the Republicans would oppose such legislation, but I think it
could garner enough support from states with a strong fishing industry to pass
both Houses of Congress.
Of course, with the track
record of the 113th session of Congress, just getting a bill written and to the
floor would be a miracle, let alone actual passage. But one can hope.
Maybe it has something
to do with being a Pisces, but I think this is an idea whose time has come.
National Big Fish Day;
Red Lobster and Long John Silver's would love it.
So I'm starting the
movement officially, as of this writing; I'll be lobbying my Congressperson for
a bill to this effect, and indicating that I expect his support, even if his
idea of seafood is tuna casserole.
National Big Fish
Day...coming soon to a holiday near you.
Okay, another full
disclosure here: I don't really give a hoot in hell about having a National Big
Fish Day, I just had a bunch of big fish pictures I had accumulated over the
past few months and I needed an excuse to post them to my blog.
National Big Fish Day,
what, are you kidding me? That's as ridiculous as someone wanting to name
February National Canned Food Month.
Oh, February is National
Canned Food Month.
Never mind.
Enjoy the photos, and
remember, you can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
Love and Chicken Of The
Sea,
PJTT
copyright 2014 Krissongs
Inc.
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