...and From The Department Of Departments...

Well, we made it, back in the USSR, (thank you, John, Paul, George and Ringo, "...back in the US, back in the US, back in the USSR..."); your Pope Guy has safely returned from another adventure in outer space (the REAL outer space, not the one between my ears).

When the Harley Dog and I got back from the planet Hercyon III, and after an afternoon of kickin' back in the old easy chair watching the Lakers knock the snot out of the Spurs, I decided it was time to check in with my department heads and see what they had to say about the condition of the All John All The Time World Church and the ever-changing world around us; here's what they had to report to your Pope, in no particular order:

From the Now You Tell Me Department-Kaiser researchers (whoever the hell they are) reported recently that the daily use of aspirin and other NSAIDS (Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drugs) is associated with a 22% increase in erectile dysfunction. The researchers studied 80,966 men dating back to 2002, and further found that although a significant number of those involved in the study couldn't get a woody if you paid them, their incidents of headaches went down dramatically, and it didn't make any difference if their wives/girlfriends had one or not.

 From the You Really Couldn't See This One Coming? Department-Professor John Michael Bailey, a psychology instructor at Northwestern University in Chicago, issued a "tepid, slightly defensive" apology Saturday for allowing an after-class live-sex demonstration following one of his Human Psychology lectures. The Professor was quoted as saying "while he wouldn’t make the same decision again, he would give those who disapprove of what he did an F for their arguments". According to reports from students who viewed the "demonstration", a young woman got undressed, lay down on a towel and allowed her fiance to penetrate her with a sex toy, after which a discussion of "kinky sex and the female orgasm" followed. The day after the "demonstration", the NU registrar's office reported a 356% increase in the number of (male) students who signed up to take Professor Bailey's course.

From the Does Anyone Wonder Why The Postal Service Is Going Broke? Department- Tilford Teig, an 85-year old retired farmer who lives in Iowa, reported recently that he received a letter from his brother, Mervin, (their parents apparently had a very unusual sense of humor), who was writing from his Army barracks at Camp Roberts in Paso Robles CA. In and of itself, this is hardly earth-shaking news, except that the letter had been mailed in 1943. Tilford received a phone call from someone with the Postal Service recently, whose name and position Mr. Teig didn't catch, but who was thought to be affiliated with the "mail recovery center" in Atlanta (a euphemism for "dead letter office"), asking him if he would like to have the letter that was originally intended for his parents. A Postal Service official, a Mr. James Widgel, when asked to comment on this very bizarre turn of events, remarked that the USPS delivers 96% of all mail on time, and that this was an "anomaly" and not "a trend", which your Pope feels much better knowing, although I would be curious to know what happens to the other 4%. What was most perplexing about this incident was the whereabouts of the letter all through the ensuing 68 years; one can only speculate that it may have been sitting in some mail-carriers garage, or have been sent mistakenly to the planet Hercyon III and then sent back on one of those "Close Encounters Of The Third Kind" happenings, you know, where the aliens return all the old WWII aircraft to Earth and a bunch of Steven Spielberg's actor buddies finds them. Mr. Widgel had no comment when asked if he felt that incidents of this nature explain the increased usage of email and other alternative mail sources, but other USPS sources indicated that a new "dead letter office" was to be established in the Bermuda Triangle in the near future.

From the Why Does Your Letter Have That Strange Smell? Department-in a report from Jaipur India recently, a struggling producer of homemade paper products stumbled, literally, upon a unique new raw material to use to produce a new line of paper goods: elephant poop. According to L.A. Times New Delhi Bureau, Vijender Shekhawats' revelation came when he was visiting a local shrine near his home and he stepped in a pile of what was to be turned into the "Haathi Chaap", or Elephant Print, brand of products. (The report was in the L.A. Times 3/3/11 edition on page A2 if you want to verify my veracity. The description of the process used to clean and prepare the "poop" is too long and involved to go into here, plus I'm too lazy to do it. And besides, I'd probably try to say something humorous or clever about the whole report, but I'd fail; it's already pretty funny on its surface.)

From the I Guarantee I'm The Healthiest Guy On The Planet Department-according to the website TheMedGuru.com, staring at a woman's breasts "is good for men's health and increases their life expectancy." The doctor who conducted the research that led to this remarkable conclusion, a Dr. Karen Weatherby, further stated that "just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female, is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out." That being the case, assuming the efficacy of her study, there's every indication that I will live to be 156 years of age. Easy.

From the What The &%@#* Do You Mean We're Only 15th On The List? Department-the "location-based, social-networking service" (???) Foursquare recently conducted a world-wide survey to determine which cities in the world were the rudest and most foul-mouthed; their finding for #1? Manchester, England. Interestingly, Manchester was only one of two non-U.S. cities to make the list (the other was Melbourne, Australia), and more curiously, or not, depending on your point of view, seven of the top twenty were located in California, including:

            -Riverside (5th)

            -Venice (9th)

            -Orange (10th)

            -San Jose (11th)

            -Culver City (13th)

            -Fullerton (14th)

            -Los Angeles (15th)

Based on a finish of 15th, your Pope has to tell you that I'm pretty %&*#$ that we didn't do better on the survey. You assholes.

From the Apparently I'm Not The Only One Not Getting Any Department-according to MSN.com contributor Diane Mapes, in a recent report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's National Center for Health Statistics, who apparently, at least per Ms. Mapes, "painstakingly details the country’s sexual habits", (which sounds to me like a really bad case of voyeurism), based on a survey of 13,500 persons between the ages of 15 and 44, virginity is making a comeback. Per the report "researchers found that between 2006 and 2008, the percentage of 15- to 24-year-old men who had never had any form of sexual contact with another person was 27 percent (up from 22 percent in 2002) while the percentage of 15- to 24-year-old females who had never had any sex whatsoever was 29 percent (up 7 percent points from 22 percent in 2002)". (Hey, folks at the CDC; you don't have to point out the difference between 22% and 29% is 7%; I can add too. Geez, I hate that.) There were no statistics given as to how many of those surveyed had avoided any sexual contact with eberts, which is a small, furry two-headed mammal with an enormous sex-organ from Lower Zimbabwe. (The ebert is from Lower Zimbabwe, not its sex-organ.)

From the There's No Interpretation Like The Most Recent Interpretation Department- the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops announced recently that a newly translated version of the New American Bible (to be called the Really New American Bible) will be issued to publishers this week on Ash Wednesday, and "will offer substitutes for words such as "booty" and "holocaust" to better reflect modern understanding." For example, the word "holocaust", which for most people refers to the WWII genocide of Jews, has been changed to "burnt offerings", and the word "booty", "which has come to have a sexual connotation", has been updated to "spoils of war", which brings to mind such sentences as, "Check out the spoils of war on that one". The report went on to say that in the "passage in Isaiah 7:14 that foretells the coming of Jesus and his birth to a virgin mother, the 1970 edition's reference to "the virgin" will become "the young woman," to better translate the Hebrew word "almah." Your Pope would be curious as to know how much better this would have made Joseph feel, if any at all.

And from the Here Comes The Fries Department-per the website Delish.com's Food In The News column, "McDonald's Launches 'McWeddings' In Hong Kong". That's right, oh faithful followers of your Pope Guy, if you live in Hong Kong, and you would like the entree selections at your wedding to be Filet-o-Fish, McNuggets or a more traditional Big Mac, you're in luck. "The McWeddings offer an inexpensive option in a nation where the monthly household income averages around only $2,250, but the average couple spends about $29,200 for a wedding. A ceremony under the Golden Arches is a relative steal, starting at $1,280, which comes with food and drinks for 50, a 'wedding cake' made of stacked apple pies, and invitation cards. There are even gifts for the guests: figurines of classic McDonald's characters like the Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald." Alcohol is not permitted, however, but according to Shirley Chang, managing director of Hong Kong McDonalds, "you can have a lot of fun with soft drinks".

The Pope can think of nothing to add to that report that would even begin to make it any funnier than it already is.

Well, after all of the above I would hope that all of you would feel considerably more edified than you were when you started reading this post; if you don't, either I have failed miserably or you weren't paying attention. Either way, I'm tired and I'm not going to write anything further; I'm going to go make lunch and then after lunch I'm going to give the Harley Dog a severe beating.

15th? Shit, I thought LA (pronounced LAH) would do a lot *&$#% better than 15th.

Love and "new" news,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

Alien Practical Jokes, or Whoopee Cushions From Mars

The ground crew here at the All John All The Time World Church completed the overhaul this morning of the Royal Unionship Kidding, or the RU Kidding for short, which is the "official" atomic powered rocket ship of your Popester, right after we got back from Hercyon III, so we took her on a "shake-down" cruise over the Sargasso Sea this morning to test out the new HyperAromaDrive that they installed, to make sure everything was in proper working order. Harley Dog and I, Harley being the "official" canine of the Pope Guy and my back-up navigator, have a big trip planned later this week to the Caecilian Halcyon in the Rings of Anopheles, to visit the planet Hyperion to see about some property the Church in interested in obtaining. (Harley doesn't want to go; he'd rather stay in town and keep track of the most recent stupidity by that douche-bag Charlie Sheen. And Lindsay Lohan's trial is set for this week also, assuming she doesn't cop a plea, and Harley says he doesn't want to miss that circus either. I accused him of having no taste and he got mad at me, but he got even a little while ago; he came over here by my desk, ripped a good one and then went and lay down across the room. No Girl Scout cookies for you this week, Godzilla breath.)

(The judge at LiLo's preliminary hearing told her that if she copped a plea in front of his court that she was going to jail. However, if she doesn't agree to a plea bargain and goes to trial for felony theft, they have videos of her wearing the alleged stolen merchandise, so she's probably going to jail. Either way, she goes to jail, and that sounds like a win/win situation for the rest of us.)

Harley and I have never been to the Rings of Anopheles, or to the planet Hyperion, or at least I haven't; I'm assuming HD hasn't either, but he doesn't tell me everything, so he may have visited the planet previously. Hyperion is less than a parsnip, err, parsec in distance from Earth, so, with the new HyperAromaDrive that the boys installed in the Kidding last week, we should be able to get there in about 4.68 quarks, or about a day and a half in Earth time.

The only thing Hyperion is known for is being located on the main trade route through the Rings, that and some outstanding vineyards where they raise Anophelesian grapes, which are fermented into a really tasty Pinot Noir by a bunch of friars at the Abbey of Our Lady Of Perpetual Motion. (Those are monks that make the wine, not chickens.) My consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one who went to North Carolina) asked me to bring back a couple of cases for him, but he kicked my butt in hamster table tennis the other day, and I'm still mad at him for that, so I'm not going to do it. Screw him, I'm the Pope Guy, let him get his own Anophelesian Pinot Noir. Jerk. (He cheats; he uses an over-sized paddle, and I keep telling him it's against the Hamster Table Tennis Association rules, but he claims I'm wrong, and that I'm just being a sore loser. I ordered a copy of the HTTA Official Rule Book, but it hasn't arrived yet, so I haven't been able to prove him wrong.)

The Bored of Elders (when I first wrote that, I spelled "elders" with an "a" by mistake; that would have made them a Bored of trees) of the Church want me to check out this property that they're interested in, as a site for a new cathedral; they feel that the AJATTWC should have an outpost in the Rings for the Hyperionians. Me, I'm not so sure; I think we should leave the folks on Hyperion to their own devices (and some of their devices are pretty strange, if you ask me; that phallic-looking thing attached to what looks like a reciprocating saw that they use for...well, never mind that now) and build the outpost cathedral in another area of the Rings.

I have nothing against Hyperionians especially; okay, sure, they have the second head and the vertical stripe of purple that runs up the back of the females, and yeah, they have that strange language which uses the word "like" repeatedly (wait a minute, that's "Valley Speak" from here on Earth, excuse me), where their alphabet contains no vowels, so all their words come out looking like "kjhtwsmnd" and "pwsqkzbnt", which wouldn't confuse most American politicians, considering how they talk out of both sides of their mouths most of the time anyway, but it confuses the hell out of me.

No, my problem with Hyperionians is their really warped sense of humor. You see, they're the ones behind all these UFO "incidents" that Earth people keep reporting but never can authenticate; yeah, they think it's funny as all get out to engineer some kind of "event" where some poor slob from Earth will report sightings of a "chewy mint shaped solid craft" and aerial objects resembling a "ring," a "jellyfish" and a "silver voile spin top" (???) to some official agency somewhere. (Those are quotes from various UFO sightings made to the British Ministry of Defense over the years, which were released online in a number of files recently by Her Majesty's Government.)

Some of the reports from the BMD go all the way back to the '50s, although most of them are from the period from 1997 to 2005, and include such accounts as the one from a man who "said he believed he had been 'abducted' by aliens in October 1998 after seeing an unidentified craft hover over his London home and finding that he had gained an hour of time in the process." Another one "reveals how the Royal Air Force was inundated with calls one morning in 1967 after residents of southern England awoke to find six small beeping UFOs lying in a perfect line from the Isle of Sheppey to the Bristol Channel." (The Hyperionians love picking on the Brits; they're so "stiff upper lip" and straight-laced and all. And those Isle of Sheppeyians, are they all "cheerio, pip, pip" or what?)

Another time a bomb disposal unit was dispatched to the Village of Aldermaston (why do all the towns and villages in England sound like "Aldermaston" and "Throckington Home" and "Thinslicedham" and "Worcestershiresauce" and so forth?), where they "blew up one of the UFOs" that a resident found in the woods outside town, after "both the army and the defense ministry's intelligence unit were mobilized for what was considered a real 'alien invasion'".

Hey, I'm all in favor a great practical joke, but the "Hypers", as they call themselves, take it to extremes. Next thing you know, they'll be putting paper bags full of poop on people's front porches, lighting them on fire and then ringing the doorbell, and then running like hardonts (that's a Hyperion gazelle) down the street and stopping behind a parked car to watch the poor slob who lives in the house come out and stamp out the flames. (I've never done that myself, but I've heard people tell stories about how some kids back in Illinois in the early '60s did that to a guy named Adams who lived in their neighborhood and was the kind of douche-bag that sat by his window and watched the kids play and when a ball came up into his perfectly mown and tended yard, he'd come out and take the ball and wouldn't give it back to the kids. I personally would never have done such a thing, nor would I have "soaped" that asshole's windows real good one Halloween with candles. Ever try to get candle wax off of glass? Bring something to scrape with.) ("Old Man Adams", as we called him, was personally responsible for me setting the world record in the 100 yard dash "under 12 years of age" division the following Halloween, when my buddy Dave Heaney and I went back for Round Two of the Great Window Soaping; as we crept around the back of Adams' garage, sneaking along, bent over at the waist, with me in the lead, I came around the corner and saw this pair of shoes standing there, which were attached to "OMA", waiting for us. I let out a scream and tore off, Dave right behind me, and we didn't stop running for about six blocks.)

I think I'm going to dissuade the Bored on the idea of building a cathedral on Hyperion; I woke up the other night and saw this "tortilla chip-shaped" object with blue blinking lights moving across the sky of the San Fernando Valley at great speed; I was going to report it to the LAPD, but I figured it was just the "Hypers", having some fun.

At least no one rang my doorbell.

Love and alien whoopee cushions,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

...The Program Will Also Include Several Of Chopin's Etudes...

Today's post will be brief, and for that I hope all you loyal followers of the Pope will forgive me; I've been called to the planet Hercyon III on an emergency mission and Harley and I (as most of you know, the Harley Dog is the "official" canine of Pope John The Tall (me) of the All John All The Time World Church) are heading out on the Royal Unionship Kidding, or the RU Kidding for short, which is my atomic powered rocket ship, just as soon as we finish breakfast (waffles for me, dog food for Harley).

We were called to Hercyon III by the Procurator of Memses, Blistex, who is the Guiba for the planet, who sent me an urgent message yesterday, telling me that he had a "situation of a spiritual nature" with one of his hrtibbthlks, which means "astronaut" in Quartle, the language they speak on Hercyon, and that he felt my presence could be of a beneficial nature. Since Hercyon III is fairly close to Earth, only .36 parsecs, we can get there in the Kidding in under a day, or about the time it takes to drive down the 405 Freeway from the Valley to the West Side, which for those of you who don't live in sunny and in the low 70's Southern California, is about 12 miles.

(...later in the day...)

We arrived on Hercyon III and were immediately taken to see the Procurator, who explained that his hrtibbthlks had been through an unsettling experience when he landed on Hercyon III's second moon recently; his ship had strayed slightly off course and crash-landed, safely I am happy to report, on a beach some miles from the moon's landing pad. Blistex then had the hrtibbthlks brought in so I could speak with him.

The hrtibbthlks' name was Zygote, and he was carrying a tiny, but exquisite grand piano and a small man, about a foot tall, as he entered the room. He put the piano and the wee, tiny man down on a table, and the little guy proceeded to sit at the piano and began playing Beethoven's Sonata #14, which as you all are aware is also known as the "Moonlight Sonata", and playing beautifully. We listened in amazement, and while the recital continued, I drew the hrtibbthlks aside and asked him to tell me his story.

"As I was sitting on the beach waiting for the rescue craft to come," he told me, "I noticed an object sticking out of the sand a few meters from where I was, so, out of curiosity, I walked over to check it out. It appeared to be a lamp of some sort, and as I picked it up I noticed some writing on the side. As I was wiping the sand off so I could read what it said, this mist began spewing out of the end of the lamp, and the next thing I knew, the mist had solidified and there stood this, I don't know what it was, but it looked like a really ancient being of some sort." He stopped and shook his head.

"I must have been standing there with my mouth hanging open, and then this apparition began speaking."

"Don't be afraid," it said, "I am of the Djini, and have been trapped in that lamp for many centuries, placed there by an evil sorcerer as punishment for being a Cubs fan. I am most grateful for your having freed me, and I will grant you two wishes as reward for your kindness. What desires may I fulfill for you?" (Cheap Djini: its usually three wishes.)

"So I thought for a moment," the hrtibbthlks continued, "and then told him that I would like good health for my family all throughout their lives."

The Djini looked at the hrtibbthlks and said, "I'm sorry, my son, but I am ancient in my years and do not hear so well; please, tell me again what you just said, as I did not understand you."

"So I repeated my wish, and the Djini clapped his hands and said it was done."

"And what is your second wish?" the Djini asked.

"I stood there and thought for a long time, and the Ancient One said in this anxious voice, 'Hurry, for my time in this shape grows short and I must return to whence I came."

"I could see the Djini was starting to fade, so I blurted out, 'I want a 12 inch penis.' The Djini, who was now becoming transparent as he faded into a mist that enveloped us both, placed his hand behind his ear and said, in a rapidly fading voice, 'I'm sorry, my time on this plane is no more, your second wish is...' and he was gone."

"What happened then?" I asked the hrtibbthlks.

And he pointed to the little man at the grand piano and said, "And when the mist cleared, there he was..."

(12 inch pianist, okay? Geez.)

Love and Mozart,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

California Rules Of The Road

Well, here we are, back in sunny Southern California, the home of palm trees, citrus groves and more idiot celebs than you can shake a Chihuahua at.

"We" in the above paragraph would be me, your favorite Pope, and the "official" canine of the All John All The Time World Church, the Harley Dog, back from our missionary trip to assist the citizens of Savannah GA in their fight against rampant addiction to pastries (see my post from 3/3 for that story). Only time will tell how successful we were in our efforts, but the cargo hold of the SS Dee Dee, the "official" yacht of your Pope Guy, was filled to the gunwales with Girl Scout Thin Mint and Thanks-A-Lot cookies when we got back, so that should tell you how much success we enjoyed with the Savannahianians. Oh well...(big sigh of resignation here).

(FYI, a "gunwale" is an armed cetacean.)

After we docked at San Pedro (for those of you who don't speak Lower Zimbabwean, "San Pedro" means "without Peter" or, in some regions of that country, "I love you more than barnacles"), where we keep the Dee Dee moored when we're not using her, we jumped into the temporary Popemobile, my 2000 Toyota MR2, and headed north for our home in the sunny with some cloud cover San Fernando Valley, commonly known here in LA (pronounced LAH) as, how clever, "the Valley". We made the trip up the infamous 405 Freeway at the speed of erosion, but we arrived safely, and that's what counts, I guess.

Now I referred to the Mister Two as the "temporary" Popemobile, because, as many of you are aware, I've been engaged in a search recently for a newer, more-fitting-to-my-image-as-the-leader-of-a-major-religion vehicle to name as my "official" Popemobile. As you're also probably aware, I haven't had much success (see my post from 3/2 for that story). I've decided to let my faithful followers assist me in my search with suggestions, but more on that in a moment.

As we were driving north, I was reminded, as I am every #&*@% (those are naughty word symbols, in case you had never seen that particular literary device) time I get behind the wheel of the Two and drive the highways and byways of Southern California, that there are a number of traffic rules, Rules Of The Road if you will, that I suspect are substantially different here than anywhere else in the Universe (although we've never done a comparison with the rules governing traffic on the planet Romulak, so we can't say that with complete assurance.) (How'd you like that editorial "we" in the last sentence? Pretty spiffy, huh?) Since, as your Popester, and as such a spiritual and moral beacon to so many of my flock, I feel a duty to enlighten and edify you at every opportunity, and since some of you may have the occasion to drive here in SoCal sometime in the future, let me delineate and explain some of our more arcane traffic laws to you.

*The Assumed Right Turn On Red Rule*

            This rule is a refinement of the law allowing drivers to make a right turn on red at a stoplight AFTER making a full stop. Apparently this full stop shit became too much of a nuisance to the douche-bags here in CA, so the law was amended to allow any driver in any auto to just ASSUME there's nothing coming from the left and proceed to make their right turn without looking when they pull up to a stoplight. A further refinement of this law was to allow drivers to not only make the assumed right turn on red, but to then, immediately after completing their turn right in front of you, drop their speed down to 15 MPH, while looking all around for a place to park.

*The Luxury Car Rule*

            This rule states that any driver operating any vehicle that can be construed as a "luxury" vehicle, such as, but not limited to, a Mercedes Benz, BMW, Lexus, Infinity, Volvo, Cadillac, Acura, those hideous effin' Hummers, Rolls Royce, Bentley, etc., due to the fact that, since said driver is obviously so superior to any mere mortal driving, say, a Chevy or Toyota, that said driver of the aforementioned "luxury" vehicle may at his/her discretion, ignore any and all other State of California Rules Of The Road.

 *The Its Okay To Drive 60 MPH In The Left Hand Lane Of The Freeway Rule"

            The IOTD60MITLHLOTF rule states that any inconsiderate asshole, who decides that he/she just doesn't need to give a shit about anybody else on the planet, let alone the poor guy immediately behind them, may choose at any time they deem it appropriate, to drive along at 60 MPH in the far left hand lane of any freeway, thereby making it impossible to be passed safely and/or tying up traffic for miles behind them. Typically, but by no means always, the persons who choose to implement the IOTD60MITLHLOTF are either elderly, or of Oriental or Middle Eastern descent, and I don't give a lusty crap how racist that sounds, it's the truth.

*The I Can Use My Cell Phone Any Time I Want Rule*

            Although it is the law in California that the only cell phones that can be used legally while operating a motor vehicle are "hands-free" devices, ICUMCPATIW superseded that rule and states that any thoughtless jerk who so chooses can stick his hand-held cell phone in his ear at his/her discretion and yak away at will, and since these conversations are always of the utmost importance ("...so what did you guys do last night...?"), said driver may ignore any and all other Rules Of The Road. (Shortly after the law banning the use of hand-held cell phones while operating a motor vehicle was passed, Maria Shriver, the wife of the then Governator of our state, Arnold Schwarzenhooten, and big-whoop "celeb" in her own right, was photographed with a hand-held phone stuck in her ear while driving in her Range Rover along the Pacific Coast Highway in Pacific Palisades, where she and her brain-dead hubbie make their home, thus invoking the "Luxury Car Rule" and the "I Can Use My Cell Phone Any Time I Want Rule" simultaneously. She could have gone for a hat-trick and been doing 60 in the left hand lane of the freeway, thus invoking the "IOTD60MITLHLOTF Rule" also, but the PCH is just a four-lane normal highway, so she missed on that one.)

*The I'm "Green" So I Can Ride My Bike Anywhere I Want Rule*

            This rule allows all the inconsiderate douche-bags that ride bicycles while outfitted with helmet, multi-colored shirts and those stupid looking bike shorts with the padding in the butt that makes them look like they have a load in their pants to act as if they're just like a car and ride anywhere they please, including getting into the left-hand turn lane at a stoplight and waiting for oncoming traffic to clear before proceeding to make their left turn, which of course slows traffic behind them down to a crawl because to the length of time it takes them to make their turn. Since they typically need a HUGE gap in oncoming traffic to make said left turn, this can often be a three or four redlight wait. These assholes also are allowed to occupy a full lane of the street to peddle along on, thus requiring other drivers to pass them, often without the benefit of another lane to the left, if said driver wants to go more than 15 MPH.

*The Privileged Celeb Rule*

            This rule is similar in effect to the Luxury Car Rule, in which the driver of any vehicle who is considered a "celeb" or who is accompanied in said vehicle by any so-called "celeb" is free to ignore any and all traffic laws that the rest of us "commoners" must obey.

I hope that be pointing out and explaining these arcane and unusual Rules Of The Road of the Golden Bear State, it will assist any of the faithful of the AJATTWC when driving here. And even if it doesn't, I feel better having gotten it off my chest.

Okay, one last thing before I quit: as of today, 3/5/11, I'm soliciting suggestions from my followers as to what vehicle I should choose as my "official" Popemobile. If you have an idea for a car that would be suitable, please let me know by leaving a comment in the section provided below. Here are the parameters (which are much longer than a kilometer):

            1) the car must fit my "image" as your Pope Guy; no Yugos or Pintos, okay?

            2) it must be a car currently in production by some manufacturer somewhere in the world. That's been the problem; everything I like isn't being made yet.

            3) the suggested car must be available in red (I'm partial to red).

I will leave you with a bit of wisdom from the philosopher Confucious, who once said that most men can eat, sleep and have sex in any vehicle they own, and often all at the same time.

Love and stop signs,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

Dah...Dah...Dah...DAH...Announcing...Announcements

Just like most churches, we here at the All John All The Time World Church occasionally have to make announcements so that the followers of the Pope can keep up with all the events and news of the AJATTWC. In no particular order, other than as they occur to me:

*Hamster Table Tennis Tournament Date Set*

            The organizers of the 2nd Annual Hamster Table Tennis Tournament, Brothers Biff Kadooty and Pete Moss, have announced that anyone interested in competing this year must be registered by no later the 43rd of March, or Star Date 4552.36, at the Church office, to be guaranteed a spot in the tournament. Contestants will be divided into classes by age and weight, and will be handicapped by experience. Matches will take place in the Church Auditorium and will begin with the Lightweights Division on Tuesday, 4/85, at 6:78pm, the Middleweights on Wednesday, 4/86, at 6:78pm, the Lard As, ahh, excuse me, the Heavyweights on Thursday, 4/88, at 6:78pm and the Seniors, a/k/a The Old Farts, on Friday, 4/89, at 6:78pm. The Church will provide the hamsters and folks, just a friendly reminder: please let's not have a repeat of last year's unfortunate incident where several of the contestants, in their enthusiasm, brought over-sized (and illegal, according to the World Hamster Table Tennis Association rules) paddles and, well, we won't go into what happened again, but the ASPCA investigation into what took place is still pending. You'll also recall how long it took the get the mess in the Auditorium cleaned up. The guilty parties know who they are and have repented, so let's have a safe, and friendly, competition this year, please.

*Men's Club Meeting Next Month*

            The AJATTWC Men's Club will hold their monthly meeting at the home of Brother Harlan Sanders on the 32nd of next month. The topic of discussion at the meeting will be: Vasectomies, A Viable Birth Control Method or License For Fun. Please see Brother Mike Krophone about bringing refreshments.

*Men's Club Spring Outing*

            Brother Bill Collector, president of the AJATTWC Men's Club also wants to announce that the MC Bored of Elders has announced that their Annual Spring Outing this year will be to a Los Angeles Dodgers spring training game at the Dodgers' Camelback Ranch Stadium in Glendale AZ against the World Champion San Francisco Giants on Saturday, March 12th. Brother Bill said that the Bored decided to attend a spring training game this year thinking that, as shitty as the Dodgers figure to be this season, this might be the only time we could see them maybe win a game. Please contact Brother Jim Nasium for details and to register.

*Wedding Announcement-Brother Mike Stand and Sister Mary Hadalillamb*

            Brother Mike Stand and Sister Mary Hadalillamb are pleased to announce that their nuptials have been set for Saturday, April 56th, at 1:234pm. The happy couple further is pleased to announce that Sister April Showers will be standing up for Sister Mary as her Maid (yeah, right, if she's a "maid" I'm a Monitor lizard) of Honor and Brother Bill Ding will be the Best Man. A reception is to be held immediately following the circus, ahh, ceremony at Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor. Brother Mike and Sister Mary are registered at Bass Pro Shop, The XXX Zone and KMart.

*Book Club Meeting*

            The AJATTWC Book Worms will hold their bi-monthly meeting on the first Monday of April in the Church Meeting Room at 0:dark30. This month, the Club will discuss the new book, "Jesus Of Nazareth", by the other Pope, Benedict XVI, wherein, according to various reviews, the other Pope exonerates "the Jewish people for the death of Jesus Christ", which we think is damn big of him. In the book, "Benedict uses a biblical and theological analysis to explain why it is not true that the Jewish people as a whole were responsible for Jesus' death", which anyone who has done a little research and has a half an ounce of common sense could have told him. (FYI, the title and quotes from the book are legit; I didn't make those up, and you can learn more about this at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41866654/ns/world_news-europe/?GT1=43001.)

 *TeaBags Signup*

            Sister June Bugg has asked that it be announced that any of the Sisters of the AJATTWC who would like to learn more about becoming a member of the woman's political action group, The TeaBags, should contact her regarding information on meetings, dues, "lynchings" and other right-wing nonsense. Sister June also said that the group is hoping to have Sarah Palin as their guest speaker at a future meeting; Ms. Palin has already agreed to waive her normal fee in lieu a freezerful of bear meat, so its just a matter of coordinating schedules.

            (Please note: the Pope and the All John All The Time World Church do not endorse any political action group or candidates, and the views and opinions of groups such as The TeaBags are strictly their own. Unless the Republicans nominate Mitt Romney, who belongs to a religion that was founded by a guy who had a "vision" of an Italian angel, ("the angel Moroni", true story), or that goofball Mike Huckabee, who still seems to think that Barack Obama was born on the Planet Zatox, and then the Pope might have a lot to say.)

*Ladies Of The AJATTWC Outing*

            The Ladies of the AJATTWC will have an educational outing next month, on April 36th, and all Ladies of the Church are invited and encouraged to attend. An evening trip to Northwestern University is planned, where the group will attend a "Human Sexuality Class", which is being presented by Prof. John Michael Bailey, on the University campus. A bus will be leaving the Church at 4:09pm and there will be refreshments afterward. For more information, please go to http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41873819/ns/us_news-life/. Sister May Bee will be in charge of refreshments and asks that any of you Ladies that would like to volunteer to bring something please contact her; Sister May also asked that no dish with whipped cream be brought.

*Next Sunday's Sermon*

            The topic for next Sunday's sermon will be "Am I Bewildered Or Are You?" and will focus on why fund-raising for the Church's in-house charity, The Home For The Chronically Bewildered, is so important. Please plan to attend, especially you lazy assholes that never show up any other time.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

            The Bored Of Elders of the Church asks that you patronize the local merchants who so willingly support our activities.

            -Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor

"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"

227 North Bondage Ave.

-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"

                        Visit us at www.labeautiful.com

                        All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:

                        -breast augmentation

                        -breast lifts

                        -male breast ("moobs") reduction

                        -hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")

                        -facelift

                        -tummy tuck

                        -and many others

            Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin

            Free Limo Service with qualified procedures

(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)

Love and hymnals,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

The Missionary Position_Part Deux

Okay, by a show of hands, how many of you are in favor of the Pope not making a smart remark about Christina Aguilera getting arrested recently in West Hollywood for "public intoxication", and how if I were her, and I had screwed up the National Anthem at the Super Bowl as badly as she did, that I would go out and get hammered too? (One, two, three, five, okay, there's a few of you.)

As directed by their Pope Guy, the staff here at the All John All The Time World Church keeps an eye out for areas they feel could use a "missionary" visit from the Pope, to hopefully spread the word of "Johnism" to those unfortunate individuals who seem to so desperately to need it. They review Internet articles, newspaper articles, field phone and email inquiries for help and generally attempt to stay abreast of trouble spots and populations that need assistance. (Given the state of the world these days, they can pretty much put a map of the globe on the wall and throw darts at it.)

Depending on where in world the Harley Dog and I have to go to conduct our "missions", Harley being the "official" canine of the Pope of the AJATTWC, will determine whether we use the Royal Unionship Kidding, or the RU Kidding for short, my atomic powered rocket ship, or the SS Dee Dee, the "official" yacht of the Pope Dude, to get there. Since the headquarters of the AJATTWC is in the sun-drenched, bucolic San Fernando Valley, which as most of you are probably already aware is part of the city of LA (pronounced LAH), sometimes we can walk. (The San Fernando Valley, besides being the home of "Valley speak", is also the world headquarters of the porn industry as well; Harley and I, being old and not attractive in our birthday suits, do not participate in the porn industry activities, other than as observers. What I mean to say here is that we observe the various activities of the industry, not porn itself, but we certainly would if one of our faithful followers sent us a URL link. Strictly in a clinical way, of course.)

The staff has found evidence of a need for Johnism in the lovely Southern town of Savannah GA recently (more on that in a moment). The wonderful book by author John Berendt, "Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil", was set in Savannah, as was the movie, which was pretty good as well, and your Pope has been wanting to go there ever since he read it. Although its sad that Harley and I have to go there to address the crippling lack of Johnism in the town, I'm still looking forward to the trip. (At my age, I look forward to a trip to Walmart for a new supply of ExLax too.)

After some debate and consideration, we decided to take the SS Dee Dee to Savannah, mostly because the Kidding was in for repairs. (My ground crew was installing a revised version of the HyperAromaDrive, which is the power supply that allows the Kidding to achieve speeds in excess of the Speed of Aroma.) We plotted a course for the Dee Dee that would take south from San Pedro, where we keep her moored, down along the Left Coast, taking a hard left turn south of Mexico, east through the Panama Canal (any time I hear something about the Canal I think of the song "Panama" by Van Halen..."reach down...between my legs and...ease the seat back..."; thank you, David Lee Roth, one of the sleaziest human beings to ever walk the planet, but for all of that still one of my favorite singers of all time), through the Gulf of Mexico to the Atlantic, another hard left just past Florida and north to Savannah. Piece of cake, preferably devil's food with chocolate icing.

Now there's a few things you should know about the Dee Dee; first, she's named after my ex-girlfriend Dee Dee Spanxalot, an extraordinary woman with unusual ideas about the use of a trumpet, an electric cattle-prod and a 55-gallon drum of mushroom gravy to achieve the height of carnal pleasure. (Fun girl.) Secondly, she's (the yacht, not my ex-girlfriend) a 245 foot, twin-engined craft capable of 5982 knots (that's 38 mph to you non-nautical types, or piR2 to the power of 10 plus tax and license), sleeps 115 guests, (or a shitload of midgets), has a swimming pool, beauty salon, casino, massage parlor, pizza parlor, several tennis courts, a movie studio, two pubs, two Starbucks stores, the Statue of Liberty and its own zip-code. Great vessel.

Now I'm sure you're wondering why my staff picked Savannah? Pray tell, oh most exalted Popemeister, you're probably exclaiming right now, yes? Okay, I'll tell you (you were pretty sure I would, right?)

It seems that, once again, as has happened several times in recent weeks (see my posts from 2/27/11 and 3/1/11), those insidious Girl Scouts have made the news with stories of their nefarious (is that a great word or what? Its almost as good as "gerbils") attempts to enslave all of America with a serious cookie jones. This time it happened in Savannah, the home of their cult, right in front of the mansion their founder, Juliette Gordon (Swing) Low Sweet Chariot. That's right, sports fans, those horrible little girls in their forest green uniforms and berets are at it again.

According to a report from the Associated Press, the GS Army had, as they had done for many years in the past apparently, set up a stand on the sidewalk in front of the mansion home of their founder, to sell, and further our addiction to, their Samoas and Thin Mint cookies. Unfortunately, the area involved, at the "busy intersection of Bull Street and Oglethorpe Avenue" is within the city limits of Savannah, and therefore subject to city ordinance, which forbids "peddling" on a city sidewalk. (When I first wrote that sentence, I goofed and spelled "peddling" with an "i", making the word "piddling", which I suspect is against several Savannah city ordinances as well.) So a complaint was lodged (the AP report didn't say who lodged said complaint) and the Scouts were forced to cease and desist. Randolph Scott, the city's zoning administrator, (and not the actor, I assume, who died back in 1987), called for a survey, hoping to find a "private space" between the house and the sidewalk that was not covered by the ordinance, to no avail. Then Scott suggested that the Scouts sell "from a small courtyard on the side of the house", but local fire marshalls said that would block an exit route, and since the Low Mansion is a National Historic Landmark that has daily tours, that was a no-no as well.

City Alderman Van Johnson (another dead actor) has suggested that the City Council consider an annual zoning variance, to allow the Girls In Green to peddle their cookies in front of the home of their Founder. "Juliette Low brings thousands of tourists from around the country. Juliette Low is known for Girl Scouts, and Girl Scouts are known for cookies," Johnson said. "Let's be reasonable. Let them sell their cookies." (Oh Evil Pharoah, let my people go. You douche-bag.)

The executive director of the Low house, Fran Harold, said tourists loved buying cookies from the girls at the home. "It's kind of sad for the girls, too," she said. "There's nothing cuter than some little Brownie Girl Scout selling cookies on the sidewalk in front of the Juliette Low house." The AP report went on to say that the "little Brownie Girl Scouts" would typically sell upwards of 250 boxes in a three-hour period, although it didn't specify what three-hour period to which they were referring.

Contrary to Ms. Harold's concept of what constitutes "cute", we here at AJATTWC believe that these horrid little girls in their horrid little green uniforms are contributing to the further enslavement of Americans to the illicit joys of baked goods, and Harley and I, at the urging of my staff, are going to Savannah to support and encourage all Savannahianians to resist the temptation to assist the Girl Scouts, in whatever fashion, be it by zoning variances or some other type of legal legerdemain (another really cool word), in their efforts to this end.

It is our feeling that by introducing the citizens of Gjha-Gjha-Georgia to the tenets of Johnism, that we can make them realize that the buying of cookies from Girl Scouts is just the first step down the road that leads to further addiction, to fudge brownies (how's that for a hell of an unintentional pun?), to Little Debbie cake rolls and to the final insult to our bodies, Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream. With chocolate sauce. And whipped cream.

We're going to stop off at a Baskin-Robbins on our way there; can we bring you anything?

Love and apple fritters,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

Giddy Up, Pick Up Truck

You know, it's getting ridiculous; I can't find a cool ride that I can buy and turn into my Popemobile.

Now your Pope (that would be me, Pope John The Tall, (and devastatingly handsome), of the All John All The Time World Church) doesn't like to be a complainer, like for example the way my ex- was; it was always something, why didn't I make more money, could I please take the garbage out, was I going to play gerbil golf with my buddies AGAIN, could I please feed the platypus, yada-yada-yada, ad infinitum (don't you love that Latin stuff; all us Pope guys use it). Boy, you know? (I recently found out that someone dropped a house on her sister; "...I'll get you, my pretty...")

So pardon me all to hell if I sound like a wiener, err, whiner here, but every time I come up with a really awesome car that I would like to have as my official Popemobile, its a vehicle that isn't in production yet. Sure, I could opt for an Altima or a Prius, or some other nondescript ho-hum boxey-looking thing like 8 gazillion other people have, but, hey, I'm the Pope, what about image, huh? Don't tell me that this "Religion" business isn't just like the "Washington" business or the "Hollywood" business. (By applause, how many of you watched the Oscar Show last night? No, you doofuses, not the "Odd Couple", that was Oscar and Felix, I mean the Academy Awards Show? Okay, how many of you thought Anne Hathaway was totally hot, all throughout the show? How many of you thought that Oprah Winfrey looked like she got her gown from Omar the Tent Maker? How many of you think that asking a woman "Who are you wearing?" sounds vaguely obscene somehow? How many of you don't give a shit? How many of you thought I should have gotten an Oscar for "Best Male In A Leading Role As A Pope?)

So if it's all about image (perception) then the Pope has to have a cool ride for his official vehicle, right? Okay, so some time back, I made my first choice: a Porsche 918 Spyder; great car, lots of horses, cool, but NOOOOO, Porsche isn't making the 918 Spyder yet.

Then I saw the Ferrari 599XX, which is WAY cool; same thing, not yet. Okay, how about the Porsche 918 RSR; yep, you guessed it, not for awhile. At this point, I'm thinking, what's wrong with this picture? Isn't some manufacturer out there making a balls-to-the-wall screamer that I can adopt as my own that fits my image as the leader of the AJATTWC?

So I thought I would give it one last try (see the above picture); whatta' ya think, will that work? Now I'm not a big Jaguar fan, but that beauty is a Jaguar C-X75; kinda' makes your tongue hard, doesn't it? (God, that was crude.) (God: "Yes, Pope, that was very crude, you dirt-bag.")

So I started checking into this little joyride, thinking, hey, so I'm not a Jaguar fan, who cares, that's a great looking car, this is the kind of car that makes you look good even if you're sitting in it parked at the curb. And it's an ELECTRIC car, so it's "green", which will make the Pope look good to the environmentalists as well. (FOUR 195-horse electric motors for 0-60 in 3.4 seconds.) Yes, this will definitely work. Even the Harley Dog, the official canine of the Pope, likes it. (Actually, HD is pretty much a typical dog when it comes to cars; if the windows go down and he can have his head out, he's cool. I used to love the looks we'd get from other drivers when we would tool down the street in my 2000 Toyota MR2 with the top down and him sitting in the passenger's seat next to me; he's too big to lie down, so there he would sit, looking like the ugliest girlfriend in the whole world. Talk about a "dog".)

But guess what, oh faithful followers? You got it: the C-X75 is a CONCEPT car and won't be in production for some time. If ever. Shit.

So I finally gave up and decided I'd just get a really nice pickup truck and get around in that (I'll bet you don't know what Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys was saying in the line that comes after "...I get around, 'round the town..."? It was "...I'm a real cool head, I'm making real good bread...". True. I asked him. The other misconception about that song is the second line of the opening verse; here's how it really goes: "I'm gettin' bugged drivin' up and down the same ol' strip, I gotta' find me a girl with real big...four barrel carburetors, I get around...") Okay, so it's a PU, so now all I have to do is decide what kind: Chevy, Ford, Edsel, Dodge Ram, Hupmobile, Toyota, there's lots of choices, so I'm going to have to think about this for a while.

Hang on, the Popephone is ringing...JTT...hey, Mike...where'd you see that?...how's that going to reflect on me?...c'mon...you think so?...(big sigh)...okay, send me the link and I'll look at it...yeah...hamster table tennis later, right?...yeah...you too.

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one that owns the Charlotte Bobcats); he was telling me about an article he saw online that he's afraid might cast pick-up owners in a bad light. (There's that "image" thing again.)

Okay, here's the link now: "Man Cited In Naked Joyride". (???)

According to the article he saw on the Omaha Channel (you knew Omaha had its own channel, right?), a Lincoln County NE sheriff's deputy recently responded to reports of a "suspicious pick-up truck" and when he stopped the vehicle in question, found four adults in the cab...all in the nude. (Their clothes were in the bed of the truck). According to the officers' report, when he questioned the driver, a Nickolus Borgman, (guy can't even spell his first name correctly) who was accompanied by another man and two women, as to what they were doing, his response was "I think we're gettin' in trouble". According to officials, there is no law in Nebraska against driving in the nude, as long as no one else objects, (I assume that means other drivers) so the four were not cited for that. However, the officer who stopped the vehicle placed Borgman under arrest for DUI, having open liquor in his vehicle, not using a seatbelt (it probably chafed) and...(I love this one) ...having too many people in the front seat. (As well as having more than two naked people in a car at the same time, which I suspect is an offense in some state somewhere.)

All right, I give up, the hell with the pick-up; I just Goggled Schwinn. They've got a "World 21" that looks like it might work, and it's less than 500 bucks (which is 836 gallbladders in El Salvador, and if you don't understand that, see my post from 2/16 for an explanation).

Anybody got a '29 Hupmobile they can let me use for a few weeks?

Love and fuel injectors,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.