...And The Oscar Goes To...

Ring...ring...rin

"PJ...hey, Mike, sup?...yeah, I'm working on it right now...okay, its just a different type of writing from what I usually do...yeah, ha-ha, you're a regular laugh riot, you know that?...okay, gotta' run, gotta' get today's post up on the blog...yeah...hey, let's think about scheduling a "Guy's Night Out" pretty soon, maybe to Hooters, whatta' ya' say?...okay...cool."

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one who played at North Carolina); he was asking me how the writing on my new screenplay is going.

I was reading an article in the L.A. Times the other day, and the author mentioned a website called www.xtranormal.com; this is a site where you can create your own movie, animated of course, using your own characters and screenplay.

I checked it out, and it looks very interesting, and I figured, hey, I'm smart enough to be the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church, I should be bright enough to figure out how to do this; makes sense, right?

So I decided that I would create a short movie about myself and the Harley Dog (see picture <---, oops, sorry, --->), (FYI, Harley is the "official" canine of the AJATTWC, the back-up navigator onboard my atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or RU Kidding for short, as well as my roommate and best buddy), showing us doing our AJATTWC gig, maybe handling a spiritual emergency of some sort, you know, just introduce the "masses" to myself and the Church. Strictly informational.

You've seen these things; the opening scene shows some executive in a shirt and tie, sitting behind his big, important executive desk, reading over some incredibly important executive papers and frowning over what he's reading. As the camera pans in, the big important executive looks up, smiles, and then says, "Hi, I'm Gert Poopensnooter; I'm the president of Poopensnooter Industries. We're known in industry circles as the biggest bunch of cheating, wait, that's not was what was in the script, who made up these new cue cards?" You know, strictly informational.

I started writing a screenplay for my new movie; I don't even have a working title yet, probably because it isn't working yet, because I don't know dick about writing a screenplay. I don't know boobs or nay-nays about writing a screenplay, either, for that matter.

And that's where I need you folks, the loyal and dedicated followers of your Pope Guy and the AJATTWC, to help me with my screenplay, if you will. I need ideas.

I've got the first few pages written, roughly (ever driven your car down a back country road after it had rained the night before; yeah, rough), but at least it's a place to start.

So please do me and Harley a favor: read over what I've written so far, (see below), and then, if you have any and you don't mind sharing them, send me an email or write a comment in the "Comments" section (clever name, what?) with any ideas you might have about how I can continue and then finish my movie.

You know, I don't care what the Episcopalians say, I think you guys are all right.

Okay, here we go:

ACT I, SCENE I

Office scene, with the Pope, Harley Dog

Open with P sitting at desk, facing camera, working; H rushes in from door behind Pope, and exclaims,

H: "Pope John, the peasants are revolting!"

The Pope, without even looking up from the paper he's reading, replies, "Aw, come on, Harley, they aren't that bad."

H: (agitated, obviously upset) "No, you don't understand, the citizens are rising up against government tyranny, high taxes, crummy working conditions and a shortage of Lindsay Lohan films. There's protests and marches going on all over the country, and the uprising is spreading as fast as the Charlie Sheen's latest stupid comment over the 'Net. Pope, you have to do something!"

SCENE II

Street scene, with Protestor #1, Protestor #2

Scene opens to "mob action" on a street somewhere, lots of people milling around, shouting and waving signs of protest. Someone throws a "Molotov cocktail" with a burning wick against the foundation of a building, but it dies and the fire doesn't spread.

Protestor #1, to Protestor #2, who threw the "cocktail": "Hey, what did you just throw against that building?"

P #2: "It was one of those "Mazeltov" cocktails, you know, like a home-made bomb. You fill the bottle with matzo, stick a fuse in and light it, and then toss it."

P #1: "That's a "Molotov" cocktail, not "Mazeltov", you douche-bag, and you fill the bottle with gasoline, not matzo!"

P #2: "Shit, no wonder it didn't burn."

SCENE III

Scene dissolves back to office with P and H.

H: "Pope John, the people are in desperate need of a leader to step forth and, well, you know, lead; the government is in chaos..."

P: (interrupting) "No its not, its in Washington."

Harley shakes his furry head in disbelief.

H: "How did you ever become Pope of the All John All The Time World Church? Did you cheat on the IQ part of your job application?"

P: "Yeah." Shakes HIS head in disbelief. "Doesn't everyone?"

H: (Still shaking his head in disbelief) "You're the Pope, for shit sakes, you're supposed to be above that kind of stuff."

P: "Yeah, but if I hadn't gotten the gig, you and I wouldn't have the all the perks, the Kidding, the Dee Dee, all the women..."

H: (interrupting) "What women?"

P: "Okay, forget the women. Hey, we get to go all over the galaxy and visit all kinds of strange new worlds, hob-nob with planetary big-wigs, we always get comps on the rooms and food, come on, this is a great gig, except for those stupid "missionary" trips the Bored is always sending us on. Anyway, what do you want me to do about the riots? Its not my fault the peasants are revolting."

H: "Come on, Pope, they're not that bad."

SCENE IV

Scene dissolves back to same "mob action", same two protestors, still talking to each other while other rioters run all around them. The scene is general chaos, which is where the government is located.

P #1: "Hey, did you hear that Lindsay Lohan has been hired to play the wife of mobster John Gotti, Jr. in the new biopic about Gotti's father, John, Sr., who was the head of the Gambino Mafia family before he was convicted of FIVE murders in 1991?"

P #2: "No shit, sounds like a great role for her. When's it coming out?"

P #1: "Sometime next year. Just as soon as LiLo gets out of jail and they can start shooting." (P #1 raises his eyebrows.) "Great example of type-casting, huh?"

Scene dissolves back to Pope's office, with Harley and the Pope,

That's it, that's as far as I got; any ideas?

I'm thinking that, if this turns out, I may be looking at an entirely new career, screenwriter, or director, or maybe the guy that guards the entrance gate at the studio, but this, this could be big, bigger than Stallone with "Rocky" or Spielberg with "Jaws". Imagine: "'Harley and Me', a short film about the everyday workings of the AJATTWC, and a brilliant examination of the interplay between a Pope and his dog. Now playing at theatres someplace."

But no "Thelma and Louise" endings, okay? I'm not putting HD in the front seat of the Popemobile and gunning it over the edge of the Grand Canyon. I don't need that much drama in my life; hey, I was married once, I know all about drama.

And of course I'll give whoever comes up with a great suggestion a "writer's credit" in the thingie they always show at the end of every movie with the names of all the people who stared and directed and wrote and made costumes and went to get sandwiches and were somehow essential to the making of that particular movie.

A real tiny credit, right at the end. (Hey, it's Hollywood, okay?)

Love and Oscars,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.