My last post on Thursday, 4/14, told the story of an institution in Iceland called the Phallological Museum; the exhibits in this museum are various mammal phalluses, including those of a sperm whale, a Canadian sea lion and most recently, the "pickled penis" of a elderly Icelandic gentleman who willed his "willie" to the institute upon his death (pretty tough to will your johnson to someone or something before you pass on; and wouldn't The Pickled Penis be a great name for a British-style pub someplace, like maybe in, say, Britain?).
So its going to be hard (pardon the unintentional pun and, hey, speaking of puns, aren't you guys proud of me for not making a bad joke about phalluses and "sperm" whales in the last paragraph?) to come up with a topper for that report, but your Pope (that would be me) and the outstanding staff here at the All John All The Time World Church are going to give it their best shot, just like Pat Benatar wanted you to hit her with, back in the '80's. (And given the opportunity, I would have gladly obliged; Patty was WAY hot.)
According to my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one that did those goofy Hanes commercials with that douche-bag Charlie Sheen), the Bored of Elders of the AJATTWC has decided that they would like Harley and I to attend the crowning of Ttrrleek 4rHt as the new Gorberk (kind of like our bishop, but with several more arms and legs) of the region of Zithermusic on the planet Lowawatha. (I guess our trade imbalance with the Lowawathians is a concern for the government, so they asked the Bored to send us there to "schmooze the shit outta' them", in a quasi-diplomatic way, of course. Lowawatha is also known as the LamaBall Capitol Of The Universe.)
So I told the AJATTWC ground crew guys to get my atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or RU Kidding for short, (I'm thinking of having a sister ship to the Kidding built: the Royal Unionship Peanutsintheshell, or RU Nuts for short; more on that later), ready for the hop tomorrow to Lowawatha. (Lowawatha is in the Luffertoots Nebulae of the 4th Colocynth Quadrant, which is approximately 13.56 parsecs from Earth, or about two days of travel; I'm bringing several new books, and one of my guitars, and I've got a new comic book for Harley. When I showed it to him, he acted like he was insulted; he figures since he's the back-up navigator, he's entitled to access to the Captain's Library, which he can't have, because that's where I keep the back issues of Canine Health, and those anatomically correct drawings of the female dog's "private areas" drive him nuts.) (Oh, by the way, "Harley" is the Harley Dog, the "official" canine of the Pope Guy, back-up navigator onboard the RU Kidding and my roommate.)
So its a good night's sleep for your Pope and his band of merry men, and off tomorrow to Lowawatha; more later from there.
(...late the next day...)
...ring...ring...rin
"PJ...Mike, what the hell happened?...wadda' mean, 'they're still looking into it'? That sounds like a government enquiry, for chrissake...I don't give a shit, I want this explained today, now, DO YOU HEAR ME?...I'm not upset, I'm REAL pissed, there's a difference...how can those guys screw up this bad? They were supposed the program the Kidding for the region of Zithermusic on the planet Lowawatha, and I wind up in Dayton OH? HOW THE (very bad word here) DID I WIND UP IN DAYTON OH, WOULD YOU PLEASE ASK THOSE HAPPY ASSHOLES IN THE BACK?!? Shit...okay, okay, I'm calm now, I'm okay...no, I can't leave until the inquiry by the FAA is complete, probably tomorrow...well I didn't exactly file a flight plan for (another very bad word here) DAYTON OH, NOW DID I?!?...never mind, just make sure somebody has some answers when I get back tomorrow, and send my condolences to Ttrrleek and explain what happened...whatta' mean, 'what should I tell him', tell him the truth, damn it, I, wait a minute, we'll look like major crankshafts if you tell him what REALLY happened, yeah, you're right, make something up, just make sure you tell me about it later...yeah, gotta' go...let's have lunch at the Beaver's Den on Thursday...cool."
Don't ask me, because I don't know.
We lifted off this morning, nice as you please, the HyperAromaDrive (that's the special, super, mega amazing drive thingie, in conjunction with the floridated kanooten valve, that enables the Kidding to reach speeds exceeding the Speed of Aroma) was purring away, and we were open for business, baby.
But a few minutes into the flight, I knew something was wrong when the auto-pilot started the landing sequence; it was WAY too soon to be in Zithermusic, Lowawatha.
And you know why it seemed too soon to be in Zithermusic, Lowawatha? Because it was, WAY too soon. We landed in Dayton OH, oh my stars and buckets. (Roughly translated, that means "oh shit".) What the hell is in Dayton OH, besides the Harley Dog and I and a bunch of Daytonionians?
So we found a hotel that would accept a furry roommate (I used to have to do the same thing with one of my ex-girlfriends), we checked in and I thought, well, let's just see what the hell is in Dayton OH?
Guess what? Not much.
But it does get better, surprisingly.
There was a home improvement show going on in the convention center on site, so I decided to take a stroll over, lacking anything else better to do. (Harley stayed in our room, doing the crossword puzzle from the Dayton Daily News.)
As I perused the what seemed to be endless aisles of new sinks, cabinets, paneling, paint, siding, lawn products, garage-door openers, bathtubs and every conceivable home improvement product known to the universe, suddenly, I saw it...
...right in front of me, on a dazzling display of lights and color, there it was...
...the Numi Commode by Kohler. (...and a mighty choir breaks into the "Hallelujah Chorus" from Handel's "Messiah"...) (you know, the one that goes, "Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallayeluuhjah", and so on and on and on. Handel wrote much better music then he did lyrics.)
The Numi Commode by Kohler; simply, the Rolls-Royce, the Lear Jet, the Los Angeles Lakers (???) of that bathroom fixture, using the term any way you like, the humble toilet.
This sucker will make you want to poop several times a day, just for the experience; I mean, this is, truly, a throne.
According to the company website, the Numi will "bring you the finest in personal comfort and cleansing", with, are you ready?
...motion-activated lid and seat
...advanced bidet functionality (with adjustable spray patterns)
...integrated air-dryer as well as a deodorizer
...heated seat and foot warmer
...and best of all, built-in speakers and an MP3 jack (although the way things smell when I'm in there, the last thing I want to do is sit on the commode and listen to the latest recording of Rihanna or Coldplay. I don't read in there for the same reason; I'm a big believer in do what needs to be done and get out).
Its even environmentally sound: according to the magazine Consumer Reports, "this WaterSense-certified toilet uses dual-flush technology, which allows you to select a partial flush for liquid waste and a full flush for solid waste."
Throw in a pair of tickets to a Dodgers/Giants game and you're all there.
All this for the low, low price of...$6390.00. (My first brand new car didn't cost $6390.00; yeah, okay, it was a Ford Model T, but that's not the point.) I don't care, I have to have one of these babies; I am SO talking to the Bored when I get back.
(...late the next day...)
The Bored of Elders of the AJATTWC denied my request to have a Numi Commode by Kohler installed in the Papal shi, err, excuse me, bathroom.
I am very upset.
I'm sure I can get a Papal discount; you know, one of those "Kohler: Official Toilet Provider To Pope John The Tall" kind of an advertising thing. Or maybe they have a "Seniors" discount.
Shit. (Another unintentional pun.)
I just want to know one thing, okay?
"Swashbuckling"? How does one buckle a swash?
I'm dying to know that.
Love and "put the seat down, you jerk",
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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