So after the Harley Dog and I, HD being the "official" canine of the All John All The Time World Church, returned from our missionary trip to Harrisburg PA (see my post from 4/6/11), your Pope Guy (that would be me), decided to check in with my department heads (which reminds me of the line from the great Sam Cooke song "Saturday Night": "...here's another Saturday Night and I ain't got nobody...") to see what was going on in the rest of the AJATTWC world. (Okay, I admit that the "department heads/I ain't got nobody" joke was a little esoteric, but when I wrote "department heads" I had this quick, mental image of this disembodied head sitting on a chair behind a desk littered with papers and reports, then the "I ain't got NO BODY" thing followed it, and then the Sam Cooke song and, well, there you go; what, did you think someone with NORMAL thought processes would think this shit up? Come on.)
Anyway, I received a number of reports from my various staff members that I thought I should pass on to you, my faithful followers. In no particular order:
From the FYI Department:
Funk & Wagnalls, as in "look that up in your..." from the hilarious and groundbreaking '60's TV show, "Laugh In". That's all, just, Funk & Wagnalls.
From the Great Moments In Golf Course Design Department:
I was thinking the other day that, really, the only two actual, physical deterrents to a good golf score are sandtraps and rough; talent and luck are more ephemeral. So I started thinking about adding another "hazard" to golf courses: fire pits.
Instead of, say, a sandtrap guarding the front edge of a green, how about a fire pit? You could have 15 or 20 feet of roaring flames that a person has to hit over to make the green, and every club house would have available those environmental suits firemen wear, in case someone wanted to play their lie rather than take a drop and a penalty.
And I want to set up kiosks on all the major courses that would sell fire insurance, you know, like the ones in airports selling flight insurance. Should be a big mover.
From the FYI Department (again):
"Hamlet" was NOT a 2 pound canned ham, but a play by Oscar Mayer, err, excuse me, William Shakespeare, about a Danish prince. (And that's DENMARK, not the pastry.)
From the Will He Ever Go Away Completely? Department:
Arnold Schwarzenhooten, the actor (using the term loosely) and former Governator of the great State of California recently announced that he would soon be making "a grand return as a comic-book crime fighting hero", and that he was "pumped for my next role as the Governator".
Nothing I could think to add as a comment about the above would do it justice; I will let the report stand on its own "merits", although it could be observed that, since his entire term as governor was a joke, a new career as a comic-book hero seems completely apropos. Hey, Arnie is no "girly-man" and apparently believes he should "always leave'em laughing", except that seven years of this asshole as governor of the state with the 6th largest economy in the WORLD (not the U.S., the world) wasn't so funny to its citizens.
From the I Wonder How High I Can Get With These Shoes? Department:
Nike recently announced that on April 20th of this year, they will begin marketing a new skateboarding shoe, named for the '70's "stoner" comedians, Cheech and Chong. (For those of you unaware of it, "420" has become the unofficial designation for smoking marijuana; the term originated with a group of high school students from San Rafael CA, and the story of how it came into being is so convoluted that I'll direct you to the WikiPedia article for an explanation rather than repeat it here. Anyway, 4/20 is the unofficial American Pot Day, which is why it was chosen to be the day that Nike introduces their new line.) The new shoe will be called the "Nike SB Dunk High 420 Cheech & Chong", and will feature, among other things, "marijuana-green laces"; Nike is planning to produce only a 1000 pairs, so I suspect they will become collector's items rapidly.
Hey, Nike, how about a Vladimar Putin shoe to be intro'd on May Day?
From the Which One Is More Offensive (Or Hypocritical), The Daughter Or The Mom? Department:
According to a report on the "WonderWall" on MSN.com, Bristol Palin, the un-wed teenage mother and daughter of bear-hunter and good-for-a-laugh Republican Presidential candidate Sarah, Plain and Loud, was paid $262,000.00 by the Candies Foundation in 2010 to be the Foundation's "abstinence ambassador". Let me run that number by you again: Two Hundred And Sixty-Two Thousand Dollars. In American money, I assume.
The Candies Foundation was created, according to Chairman and foundation CEO Neil Cole, "to promote abstinence" amongst the customers of their line of apparel. The Foundation's slogan: "Just because you're wearing high-heeled sexy shoes doesn't mean you should have a baby." (So help me, that's a quote.)
Unfortunately, this message apparently didn't mean anything to the ubiquitous Ms. Palin Junior back several years ago when she became an eighteen year old unmarried mother of a son, Tripp, the father of said baby being a fellow mental giant, Levi Johnston, who, due to his fatherhood of little Tripp, has now enjoyed his "15 minutes". (Assuming genetics, based on the parents of this unfortunate child, Tripp will probably have the IQ of a good golf score.)
But Ms. Plain Junior now has a new tune: if you're a young, healthy, unmarried person of either gender, please ignore those natural sexual instincts you have and practice abstinence.
Just because she didn't doesn't mean you shouldn't, right? (Hypocrisy, thy name is Palin.)
From the Which One Is A Bigger Joke? Department:
Bristol Palin or teenage abstinence as a viable form of birth-control?
From the How Many One-Armed People Can There Be In Maine? Department:
According to a report from Reuters, the international news service, "Maine lawmakers on Wednesday approved legalizing switchblades for people with one arm, moving close to becoming the first state to make such an exception to laws that ban use of the spring-action knives."
Okay, now I have no problem with assisting the handicapped; as a matter of fact, I'm seriously hearing-challenged (as well as permanently brain-damaged by years of gerbil abuse) so "handicapped" issues are of some importance to me. But come on, guys, isn't this taking the whole thing a little too far? I mean, how many one-armed people, other than wallpaper hangers, can there be in Maine?
Give the Maine Legislature credit for trying to do the right thing, but I'm thinking, with all the problems states are having these days with budget deficits, decreasing revenues, education, public-sector unions, welfare, health-care, etc., that the time spent enacting this bill could have been used in more productive ways.
"Backers of the measure say legalizing switchblades would eliminate a need for one-armed people to be forced to open folding knives with their teeth in emergencies."
I'll bet its comforting for the one-armed residents of the State of Maine to know that, in an emergency, they won't have to use their teeth to open a regular folding knife, but instead can, legally, flip open a switchblade. I just hope they don't intend to use it like the guy in the movie "127 Hours" did.
Besides, if a one-armed person used their switchblade to saw off their remaining trapped-between-the-boulders arm, like in the movie, they would still have to hold the knife with their teeth anyway, wouldn't they?
From the Incredibly Stupid And Totally Out Of Touch With Reality Comments Department:
Jesuit priest Father Guido Sarducci, err, sorry, Antonio Spadaro was recently quoted in the Vatican magazine Civilta Cattolica as saying that computer "hackers", "embody classic Christian virtues" and "shouldn’t be perceived negatively."
"Citing the 'joyful application of intelligence to problem solving' they demonstrate, and their ingrained rejection of competition, profit and authority, Spadaro said hackers are aligned with the teachings of Christianity. 'Under fire are control, competition, property,' Spadaro said. It’s a mindset, he said, that has 'a clear theological origin.' (However, citing technology writer Eric S. Raymond, Spadaro said hackers shouldn’t be confused with 'crackers'; the former builds things and the latter breaks them, Raymond wrote.)"
The entire paragraph above is a quote from an article by Matt Leibowitz, in his column called "Security News". Computer security, I assume.
One can only hope that the next poor person who's entire life is thrown off course by some asshole hacker out there who steals their financial and personal information off the 'Net will be allowed a private audience with the good Reverend Spadaro. I also hope they're allowed to bring a baseball bat to the meeting, and apply it vigorously.
And just how far out of touch with the real world do you think the Vatican is these days? Let's see, no birth-control, hackers are okay, its okay for priests to molest children, as long as they don't get caught, priests still practice celibacy, yeah, they've moved seamlessly into the 16th century, wouldn't you agree?
Well, that's it for today, country music lovers, your Pope has pontificated (pardon the pun) long enough; I'm hungry and I'm going to go get some lunch. I was thinking about Chez Paul in Chicago, but I'm not sure I could get a reservation on this short notice; good thing there's a Mickey D's just down the street. (Hey, the McDonalds is for Harley; I'll come home and have a tofu salad and a six pound container of prune yogurt...not.)
Besides, you can bet a Big Mac would give HD some MAJOR gas, and lemme' tell you, Harley and flatulence is like politicians and fund-raising...they go together well but you wish they didn't.
Love and Macy's (departments, you doofuses),
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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