The Pope And Harley World Tour: "Incognito", Part Three (And Counting)

"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder, flying high, into the sun...".

And all I want to know is, what exactly is a "wild blue yonder?" Is there such a thing as a "wild green yonder"? How does a yonder become a "wild blue" yonder? Is it genetics? Are we flying into the wild blue yonder or into the sun? (Boy, is this song ambivalent.)

Ring...ring...rin

"PJTT...hey, Mike, how are you?...yeah...yeah...okay, let's table that idea for the moment...oh, yeah, I just started to write it....it's what?...well, wouldn't it make more sense with a comma after "blue"?...I mean, it sounds like they're saying they're going off into the "wild blue yonder", not the "wild blue, yonder"...never mind, I'll talk to you later, I have to finish my post now."

Geez.

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan, (by now you know it's not the same one that played for North Carolina, right?); apparently he had a small problem with what I wrote in the second paragraph. And later on, after I finish my essay on the soothing balm of Johnism for all my loyal followers, I'll speak with Monsignor Jordan and remind him who's Pope around here at the All John All The Time World Church. (I'll have the Bored Of Elders of the Church demote him back to deacon if he gives me any more lip.)

In our last episode (I really do like writing that phrase)...

In our last episode...

In our last episode...

Okay, I got it out of my system.

In our last episode, your Pope Dude (that would be me) and the Harley Dog, were just departing Northern China after interviewing the head of the state science agency, Dr. Bang Agong, about, and being given a first-hand "tour" of, the 7-1/2 foot long, 25-ton iron meteorite that was recently discovered by miners in the vicinity. Just after we politely declined Dr. Agong's generous offer to stay for lunch. ("Hey," he said, "you and dog like Chinese food? Big special on pork-fried rice at commissary. Well, we call "pork".")

So with no pork-fried rice in our stomachs, and no money in our clothes, wait, that was from "Angie" by the Rolling Stones, that doesn't belong here, let's try that again.

So with no "pork"-fried rice in our stomachs, we took off from China in the RU Kidding (see the first in this series of essays, posted to my blog on 8/10, to learn more about the Pope's atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or RU Kidding for short), headed for the next stop in the World Tour, this time to meet with Dr. Peter N. Thewolf, a space scientist at Athabasca University in Alberta, Canada; Dr. Thewolf was the one who recently discovered the "Trojan asteroid" that is currently orbiting around the Sun, directly alongside Planet Earth, using the exact same trajectory as our planet.

(Somebody please explain something to me: why would you name an asteroid after a condom?)

We arrived in Alberta in the late afternoon, and since our appointment with Dr. Thewolf wasn't until the next morning, Harley and I decided to check out some of the sights of Western Canada after we had our dinner.

We got back to the hotel about an hour later, which should tell you a lot about the night life in Alberta; beautiful country, but it sure isn't LA (pronounced LAH). Shit, Alberta isn't even Cleveland.

"Dr. Thewolf, please explain the significance of the discovery of this "Trojan" asteroid that is orbiting the Sun in the same orbit as the Earth; what can we learn from this phenomena?" I asked the doctor in his office the next morning.

"Well, Your Tallness, scientists have long suspected the existence of these asteroids, circling right along with Earth as the planet makes it's way around the Sun; we've seen them in many other instances, alongside other planetary bodies. Jupiter, Neptune and Mars all have Trojan asteroids orbiting along the same path as the planets."

"You see, Pope, there are spots along the axis of a planet's orbit around the Sun where the gravitational pull of the Earth and the Sun cancel each other out, and those points, called "Lagrangian points", are where objects, like a space station or an asteroid, can "park", so to speak, and travel along with the planet it's attached to, gravitationally; think of the Moon and it's relationship to the Earth. Same thing." He paused to relight the pipe he had been smoking while we talked.

"So how does that benefit the people of Earth?" I asked.

"Excellent question, Your Tallness, excellent; you cut right to the heart of the matter. The reason we're so excited about discovering these asteroids in Earth's orbit is that they will make ideal candidates for visits from astronauts on manned space missions. Think about being physically on the surface of a planetary object that, most likely, has existed since right after the Big Bang; the scientific data on that chunk of space rock will be incredible. We should be able to determine a lot of what happened, and when, and how, at the time of the Solar System's first few moments. Absolutely amazing."

So for the third time in as many personal visits as we've had on this Tour, the person we came to meet with has mentioned the Big Bang, and none of them were referring to the TV show. At least I don't think they were.

Dr. Thewolf, Harley and I chatted pleasantly for another half hour, and then we excused ourselves to the good doctor, and took our leave. (We took the Kidding, too; it was a long walk to our next stop in Washington, D.C. from Alberta, Canada. And didn't she play keyboards for Macwood Fleet once?)

(Alberta Canada, you know, like Sue Smith or Hermione Trotbottom? Geez.)

We had one more scheduled stop on our Tour, a meeting with another doctor, this one in Chemistry. (Actually, the doctor has his Ph.D in Chemistry, but he was really in Washington, D.C., where the Center For Really Important Space Stuff is located, and where Dr. Aaron Thetires, who was the co-author of a groundbreaking new work on DNA in space, has his office.)

Dr. Thetires and his team of researchers at the CFRISS have determined, through all kinds of really esoteric and boring as hell science experiments, that, per their report, "the components of DNA have now been confirmed to exist in extraterrestrial meteorites."

We were escorted to what was obviously a working chemistry lab in the lower part of the CFRISS building, and that's where we met with Dr. Thetires, amidst Bunsen burners, pipettes (small pipes?), miles of tubing and bubbling retorts. (You've heard of scathing remarks? Well, these were bubbling retorts.)

"So, doctor, what significance will your discovery of the basic building blocks of DNA on these "extraterrestrial" bodies have for us here on Earth?" I asked him, after we had been brought stools to sit on; well, they brought me a stool, but they didn't bring anything for the Harley Dog. (But that's okay, I let him whizz all over their shrubbery before we left.)

"Your Strangeness, there is no way I can emphasize how important this discovery is," he said. "Finding nucleobase compounds not typically found in Earth's biochemistry strongly supports an extraterrestrial origin, and that would seem to suggest life as we know it on Earth having a possible extraterrestrial origin as well."

Dr. Thetires' findings reveal that meteorites may have been molecular tool kits, providing the essential building blocks for life on Earth, as well as possibly other planets as well.

"All this has implications for the origins of life on Earth and potentially elsewhere," Thetires said. "Are these building blocks of life transferred to other places where they might be useful? Can alternative building blocks be used to build other things? The potential is staggering."

"Is this part of the whole "Big Bang" thing?"

"Absolutely. These meteorites may have been floating around space since the time of the BB, just waiting for a new planet to bump into, much like the Genesis Machine in the Star Trek movie "The Wrath Of Khan", although not quite as dramatic. But the same principle obtains; something started the chain of life on Earth, and this discovery may lead us to know what, or Who, as the case may be." (The capital in the word was implied in Dr. Thetires' voice.)

"Or Who?" I asked.

And just as he was about to answer, my cell phone went off; it was RRMMJ, telling me that we were needed back at the headquarters of the AJATTWC, which is located in the sunny and always inappropriate San Fernando Valley area of LA.

We excused ourselves to Dr. Thetires, thanked him for his time and headed out to the Kidding for the quick jump home. Dr. Thetires promised to email the rest of his thoughts to me later that day.

The next, and last, episode, and Dr. Thetires final remarks? Same Bat time, same Bat channel, boys and girls.

Love and Star Wars,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

...And The Oscar Goes To...

Ring...ring...rin

"PJ...hey, Mike, sup?...yeah, I'm working on it right now...okay, its just a different type of writing from what I usually do...yeah, ha-ha, you're a regular laugh riot, you know that?...okay, gotta' run, gotta' get today's post up on the blog...yeah...hey, let's think about scheduling a "Guy's Night Out" pretty soon, maybe to Hooters, whatta' ya' say?...okay...cool."

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one who played at North Carolina); he was asking me how the writing on my new screenplay is going.

I was reading an article in the L.A. Times the other day, and the author mentioned a website called www.xtranormal.com; this is a site where you can create your own movie, animated of course, using your own characters and screenplay.

I checked it out, and it looks very interesting, and I figured, hey, I'm smart enough to be the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church, I should be bright enough to figure out how to do this; makes sense, right?

So I decided that I would create a short movie about myself and the Harley Dog (see picture <---, oops, sorry, --->), (FYI, Harley is the "official" canine of the AJATTWC, the back-up navigator onboard my atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or RU Kidding for short, as well as my roommate and best buddy), showing us doing our AJATTWC gig, maybe handling a spiritual emergency of some sort, you know, just introduce the "masses" to myself and the Church. Strictly informational.

You've seen these things; the opening scene shows some executive in a shirt and tie, sitting behind his big, important executive desk, reading over some incredibly important executive papers and frowning over what he's reading. As the camera pans in, the big important executive looks up, smiles, and then says, "Hi, I'm Gert Poopensnooter; I'm the president of Poopensnooter Industries. We're known in industry circles as the biggest bunch of cheating, wait, that's not was what was in the script, who made up these new cue cards?" You know, strictly informational.

I started writing a screenplay for my new movie; I don't even have a working title yet, probably because it isn't working yet, because I don't know dick about writing a screenplay. I don't know boobs or nay-nays about writing a screenplay, either, for that matter.

And that's where I need you folks, the loyal and dedicated followers of your Pope Guy and the AJATTWC, to help me with my screenplay, if you will. I need ideas.

I've got the first few pages written, roughly (ever driven your car down a back country road after it had rained the night before; yeah, rough), but at least it's a place to start.

So please do me and Harley a favor: read over what I've written so far, (see below), and then, if you have any and you don't mind sharing them, send me an email or write a comment in the "Comments" section (clever name, what?) with any ideas you might have about how I can continue and then finish my movie.

You know, I don't care what the Episcopalians say, I think you guys are all right.

Okay, here we go:

ACT I, SCENE I

Office scene, with the Pope, Harley Dog

Open with P sitting at desk, facing camera, working; H rushes in from door behind Pope, and exclaims,

H: "Pope John, the peasants are revolting!"

The Pope, without even looking up from the paper he's reading, replies, "Aw, come on, Harley, they aren't that bad."

H: (agitated, obviously upset) "No, you don't understand, the citizens are rising up against government tyranny, high taxes, crummy working conditions and a shortage of Lindsay Lohan films. There's protests and marches going on all over the country, and the uprising is spreading as fast as the Charlie Sheen's latest stupid comment over the 'Net. Pope, you have to do something!"

SCENE II

Street scene, with Protestor #1, Protestor #2

Scene opens to "mob action" on a street somewhere, lots of people milling around, shouting and waving signs of protest. Someone throws a "Molotov cocktail" with a burning wick against the foundation of a building, but it dies and the fire doesn't spread.

Protestor #1, to Protestor #2, who threw the "cocktail": "Hey, what did you just throw against that building?"

P #2: "It was one of those "Mazeltov" cocktails, you know, like a home-made bomb. You fill the bottle with matzo, stick a fuse in and light it, and then toss it."

P #1: "That's a "Molotov" cocktail, not "Mazeltov", you douche-bag, and you fill the bottle with gasoline, not matzo!"

P #2: "Shit, no wonder it didn't burn."

SCENE III

Scene dissolves back to office with P and H.

H: "Pope John, the people are in desperate need of a leader to step forth and, well, you know, lead; the government is in chaos..."

P: (interrupting) "No its not, its in Washington."

Harley shakes his furry head in disbelief.

H: "How did you ever become Pope of the All John All The Time World Church? Did you cheat on the IQ part of your job application?"

P: "Yeah." Shakes HIS head in disbelief. "Doesn't everyone?"

H: (Still shaking his head in disbelief) "You're the Pope, for shit sakes, you're supposed to be above that kind of stuff."

P: "Yeah, but if I hadn't gotten the gig, you and I wouldn't have the all the perks, the Kidding, the Dee Dee, all the women..."

H: (interrupting) "What women?"

P: "Okay, forget the women. Hey, we get to go all over the galaxy and visit all kinds of strange new worlds, hob-nob with planetary big-wigs, we always get comps on the rooms and food, come on, this is a great gig, except for those stupid "missionary" trips the Bored is always sending us on. Anyway, what do you want me to do about the riots? Its not my fault the peasants are revolting."

H: "Come on, Pope, they're not that bad."

SCENE IV

Scene dissolves back to same "mob action", same two protestors, still talking to each other while other rioters run all around them. The scene is general chaos, which is where the government is located.

P #1: "Hey, did you hear that Lindsay Lohan has been hired to play the wife of mobster John Gotti, Jr. in the new biopic about Gotti's father, John, Sr., who was the head of the Gambino Mafia family before he was convicted of FIVE murders in 1991?"

P #2: "No shit, sounds like a great role for her. When's it coming out?"

P #1: "Sometime next year. Just as soon as LiLo gets out of jail and they can start shooting." (P #1 raises his eyebrows.) "Great example of type-casting, huh?"

Scene dissolves back to Pope's office, with Harley and the Pope,

That's it, that's as far as I got; any ideas?

I'm thinking that, if this turns out, I may be looking at an entirely new career, screenwriter, or director, or maybe the guy that guards the entrance gate at the studio, but this, this could be big, bigger than Stallone with "Rocky" or Spielberg with "Jaws". Imagine: "'Harley and Me', a short film about the everyday workings of the AJATTWC, and a brilliant examination of the interplay between a Pope and his dog. Now playing at theatres someplace."

But no "Thelma and Louise" endings, okay? I'm not putting HD in the front seat of the Popemobile and gunning it over the edge of the Grand Canyon. I don't need that much drama in my life; hey, I was married once, I know all about drama.

And of course I'll give whoever comes up with a great suggestion a "writer's credit" in the thingie they always show at the end of every movie with the names of all the people who stared and directed and wrote and made costumes and went to get sandwiches and were somehow essential to the making of that particular movie.

A real tiny credit, right at the end. (Hey, it's Hollywood, okay?)

Love and Oscars,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.