(Okay, your Pope, John the Tall, is currently suffering from a severe case of "writer's block" and hasn't a clue what to write about for today's post; however, since I didn't want to leave all my loyal followers without a day where they had none of the soothing words of Johnism to bolster their pathetic lives, I decided to rerun an essay I wrote back in late January. I hope this helps.)
As Pope of the All John All The Time World Church, I feel that it is my duty, as I believe it is the duty of all our moral leaders, to take a stand on an issue and actively advocate for that belief. I believe it is incumbent on us all, but particularly heads of major religions such as the All John All The Time World Church, to speak out about injustice, about inequality and about how Frank McCourt, the owner of the L.A. Dodgers, should just sell the team and disappear back into the rat hole from which he crawled several years ago, just before purchasing and becoming the co-owner of the franchise, along with his wife, Jamie, who, subsequently, was apparently caught by Frank while engaged in various adult activities with her chauffer. (Not THE chauffer, HER chauffer.)
Needless to say, Frank took exception to this type of activity between his spouse and an employee, and sued Jamie for divorce, claiming mental cruelty (that one will be hard to prove, given the general lack of "mental" going inside Frank's head), alienation of feelings and severe mopery. (I have heard "mopery" described as someone exposing himself to a parking meter, but I'm not sure that's accurate. I couldn't find the word in Webster's New World Dictionary Of The American Language. Not to be confused with the English language, I assume. George Bernard Shaw, the Irish playwright, once described the United States and Britain as two great countries separated by a common language.) Yeah Frank, sell the team so you can payoff Jamie and then slink back to Boston where you came from. They would love to have you back, but then, what would you expect from people that are Red Sox/Patriots fans.
As your Pope, I have agonized over an issue for some time now, and I feel that, in accordance with all those fancy things I said in the opening paragraph, I must now come out and speak my peace on...alien induction.
That's right, boys and girls, alien induction. Please do not accuse me of xenophobia or racism; I have absolutely no problem with beings from other planets. Be they the Green Turtle Men of the planet Zatox, my home planet (see my profile to the right <--, oops, sorry,-->), or the Testicles people (for those of you who are not familiar with our other world friends, that name is pronounced "TES-TA-CLEES") from inside the Nebula of Scrotum, nor any other traveler from the Outer Limits or the Twilight Zone. I have encountered many of these fine alien beings during my missions onboard the RU Kidding, my atomic-powered rocket ship, and have hoisted many a fine mug of Rxdytzsdo beer (that's Budweiser in Cerulean; this Rxdy's for you) with my fellow space adventurers. I hold no ill will for any of our brothers, sisters and host surrogate tenderloins from out there beyond our solar system.
But I see no reason why they should be inducted into our military services. Alien induction is not the American way. America should populate its armed forces with strong, red-blooded young men and women of native birth, not green-blooded Fliptans or the three-handed Marplegloogers of the planet Huptwothreefour (the only creatures I know of who can play cards and with themselves at the same time). I believe that alien induction is a threat to...wait a moment, there's an incoming call on my Popephone...JTT...yeah, I'm working on it now...its what?...ABduction...shit...yeah, thanks...
Never mind.
Love and green cards,
PJTT
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