Win A Toaster From The Popester

Okay, if the Catholics can have Bingo, why can't the All John All The Time World Church have a contest? Seems fair, don't you think? So here goes.

You probably noticed the pictures at the beginning of my post today (pretty hard not to); yes, children, that is, on the top, a Ferrari 599XX and below, a Porsche 918 RSR. Fine looking examples of the automotive art, wouldn't you agree? (Huge amount of sarcasm begins here.) Much like the Yugo from back in the late 80's, or my all time favorite, the stunning looking T-Bird that Ford Motor came out with in early 2001, which were also both beautiful cars, I'm sure you'd agree. (Sarcasm ends here.)  My daughter refers to that model year of the T-Bird as the "backward car" because, well, it appears to be going backwards. (Smart young lady, my daughter; but then, she does have a Pope for a father, and how many people can say that? Think about it for a minute.) Motor Trend made this travesty their Car Of The Year in 2002, and I've always wondered how much, and to whom, Ford paid to be declared the winner of the award. It's hard to say who should have been more embarrassed by that fiasco, Motor Trend or Ford. Hey, Ford, weren't the Pinto and the Edsel bad enough? Geez.

Anyway, now that the sarcasm has subsided, take a look at those two gorgeous rides and tell me that I, excuse me, that some lucky contest winner (the contest will be called Win A Hot Ride From The Popester) out there wouldn't look great tooling down the street in one of those babies. You don't even have to be moving to look good in cars like that. (With certain notable exceptions, that is; even a Porsche or a Ferrari isn't going to enhance what a capricious Mother Nature did to Rosie O'Donnell, once again proving, much like the platypus proves, (or a couple of my ex-girlfriends) that Ma Nature has a very twisted sense of humor. Or really bad eyesight.)

The contest will work like this: the AJATTWC will hold a raffle, and tickets will be sold to the public (that's you guys) for an opportunity to win either vehicle (your choice; I get the one left over). The tickets will be $100.00 each, or three for $300.00. (???) The contest will begin on Arbor Day, which for you non-horticultural types (Arbor Day is about trees, you doofuses) is June 14th, and by the way a national holiday in Lower Zimbabwe, which is, of course...wait for it... the home of the ebert, which all you followers of the PopeGuy should know by now, is a small furry mammal with two heads and an enormous sex-organ. (I understand that Hammond makes organs as well, which surprised me, because I always thought that Hammond was a town in Indiana, and I've been to Indiana, and as far as I could tell, Indianaianians have no need of sex organs of any type whatsoever). (Full disclosure: I have relatives ALL over Indiana, from up north near Warsaw, which for the longest time I believed was a city in Poland, not Indiana, all the way to the southern end of the state in and around the sprawling metropolis of North Vernon, a thriving community of about 6000, if you count cows, sheep and an occasional ebert. And yes, there is a Vernon, to which North Vernon is, well, north.) The contest will end on the Day After Arbor Day, which is also a national holiday, just not in Lower Zimbabwe. Or anywhere else for that matter; I just made that up to see if you were paying attention.

So for one day, children, you can buy chances, at a C-note a pop, to win either a Ferrari 599XX or a Porsche 918 RSR in the Win A Hot Ride From The Popester contest, with all the proceeds going to me, ahh, to the in-house charity of the AJATTWC, The Home For The Chronically Bewildered. (I'm going to try and convince both Ferrari and Porsche to donate one each of the cars, as a token of their deep affection for me; I figure the Germans and the Italians were allies in WWII, so they ought to be able to collaborate with each other and help me out, right? FYI, for you non-History Channel types, its a little known fact that the Axis Allies, which referred to Germany, Italy and Japan, were also allied with the Lower Zimbabweans, which is probably why they lost the war; that and having a homicidal maniac, a fat, egotistical moron and a corrupt, mostly clueless emperor as their leaders.)

Once the official day to buy chances has ended, all the tickets will be placed in a sealed drum (the drum will be sealed AFTER the chances have been placed inside; I'm not that dumb) and taken to my official headquarters in LA (pronounced LAH), where the seal will be broken and the winning ticket will be pulled from the drum by my ex-girlfriend, Dee Dee Spanxalot, who will be blindfolded at the time. (Later Dee Dee will be also be handcuffed and then tied to a bed of wilted arugula, at which time I will do disgusting things to her with a fork and a very light vinaigrette.) The winner will then be announced at the NBA Finals, which this year will be held, as they have been for the past several years, here in LA (pronounced MUTORCS, which is scrotum backwards). (Don't get your hopes up, Miami, Boston and San Antonio, the Lakers will be there at the end, again.)

Hang on, the Popephone is ringing...JTT here...hey, Mike, 'sup...whatta' ya mean they aren't producing them yet...either of them?...shit...you think we could get the Toyota people to pop for a Corolla...hey, I was just teasing about their Emperor being corrupt and clueless, can't they take a joke?...buncha' babies...okay, see what you can do...yeah...yeah, lemme' know...okay, call me later.

According to my consigliore and point guard on our church basketball team, the Cardinals (the Church kind, not the St. Louis or Arizona kind), Monsignor Michael Jordan (not THAT Michael Jordan, he was a shooting guard), Ferrari and Porsche haven't started producing either the 599XX or the 918 RSR yet. So I guess that shoots (pardon the unintentional pun) that idea in the butt. (You ever wonder what kind of a gun a shooting guard uses? Me either.)

The contest will be called Win A Hot Toaster From the Popester (I didn't realize that rhymed until I reread it); I'm pretty sure I can get the Best Buy folks to pop for one of those deluxe, four slice babies.

You know, the ones with the V12, 560 horsepower, quad camshaft engine that have been clocked doing zero to eight slices of whole wheat in under a minute.

I wonder how I would look driving a Corolla?

Love and official contest rules,

PJTT

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