Those of you who, apparently, have no more to do with your lives then to read my blog may remember that I mentioned the "official" yacht of the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church, the SS Dee Dee, which is a 245 foot, twin-engined beauty capable of 5982 knots (that's 38 mph to you non-nautical types, or piR squared plus postage and handling), sleeps 115 guests, has a swimming pool, beauty salon, casino, massage parlor, tennis courts, the Statue of Liberty, two pubs and its own zip-code, in one of my previous posts. Yes, the Pope, like all good consumers, has his little toys.
The "DeeDee", despite rumors to the contrary, was NOT named after my ex-girlfriend, Dee Dee Spanxalot, a lady of deep refinement and unusual tastes; in fact, or infield base hit, the name came from one of our mottos here at the AJATTWC, which states, definitively, that, in most instances, its the "same shit, different day" pretty much everyday. (As Pope of the AJATTWC, I believe in giving a strong, positive message to my followers.)
(Okay, back to Paragraph One; what exactly is a "knot"? I know what it means when used in conjunction with a string or a rope; God knows, DeeDee and I had plenty of practice using ropes and...well, never mind that now. But how much is a "knot" when I'm sailing along on the Popesedential yacht? I mean, if I'm doing 15 "knots", am I flying along at the Speed of Aroma, or am I ambling along at 60 mph like some asshole in a '93 Crown Vic in the far left lane of the freeway? I have no frame of reference for "knots", other than those you tie in your shoelaces. I am depressed.)
I like to take the Dee Dee out on Sunday afternoons after services, usually to celebrate the killing we made in passing the collection plate that day, and cruise down the Monongahela River at the fore-mentioned 5982 knots. (I don't live anywhere near the Monongahela, which is, at least the last time I looked for it, in the great state of Pennsylvania, whereas I reside in a constant state of confusion. I just really think "Monongahela" is a great name for a river. And isn't "ebert" a great name for a small, furry mammal with two heads and an enormous sex organ from Lower Zimbabwe?) (The ebert is from Lower Zimbabwe, not its sex organ.) It's tremendously relaxing after a busy morning of wrestling with the Devil, at least thematically, to kick back with an adult beverage and sail down the river, enjoying the cool breeze, oblivious to all else in the world. Given the pressure under which the Pope of the AJATTWC has to work as leader of his flock, a few simple diversions don't seem to be too much to ask.
But unlike my colleague in Rome, you know, that OTHER Pope, the one with the Vatican full of priceless art treasures, extensive property worldwide, and his own bank, I feel guilty owning all these expensive playthings, like the Dee Dee, or my atomic-powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or RU Kidding for short, when so many of my followers are struggling with the economic realities of our world today, such as the recession, being unemployed, the shrinking value of their investments or the fact that a Whopper Value Meal, king-size with cheese, will now set you back almost 8 bucks.
But as Pope, I have a certain "image" to maintain with the members of the AJATTWC, and since appearances are so important in the "Religion" game, (much like the "Hollywood" game or the "Washington, D.C." game), I keep these tokens of my follower's esteem for me, and use them gratuitously.
Hey, why do you think a person becomes the leader of a major church, to get into Heaven? Or to lead his flock to the attainment of nirvana, or the blessing of the Almighty?
Yeah, right. Hey, I'm outta' here; me and the old consigliore, the Right Reverend Michael Jordan (not the ex-Chicago Bull) are headed out on the Dee Dee for a cruise. We'll be back in time for next Sunday's collections, I mean, services.
Love and hypocrisy,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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