Now and again, as the Pope Guy and leader of a major religion, such as the All John All The Time World Church, it becomes necessary to head out and do some missionary work, so, later this afternoon, Harley and me (poor English but a nice referent to the movie "Marley And Me", where the Harley Dog's part, "Marley", Harley Dog being the offical canine of the Popester, is played by a mischievous Yellow Labrador Retriever named, cleverly, Marley, whereas HD is a Golden Retriever and much cuter, and the part of "Me" is played by Jennifer Aniston and, boy, talk about miscasting, because I'm WAY taller than Jen, amongst other things) are headed off in the Royal Unionship Kidding, or RU Kidding for short, to explore uncharted territories and bring the Gospel of "Johnism" to any pagan cultures we may encounter in the wilds of...
...Naples FL.
Now let me provide those of you who are not followers of the Pope and the AJATTWC a little background information: the RU Kidding is the official (as in "Wally's Worms and Wigglers: The 'Official' Provider Of Bait And Tackle To The NBA") atomic powered rocket ship of the Pope (that would be me), and is an interplanetary cruiser capable of speeds in excess of the Speed of Aroma. HD and I take the Kidding all over the place, to other worlds in our Galaxy and, occasionally, on short hops like the trip we're taking this afternoon to Naples. (For example, we recently took the Kidding to the planet Xanthous for a conference of religious bigwigs, which I describe in my post of 2/22/11; Xanthous is 2.69 gazillion parsecs from Earth, which is WAY farther than I can hit a gerbil off my balcony with a seven-iron.) Given the close proximity of Naples to LA (pronounced LAH), where the headquarters of the AJATTWC is located, as compared to say, the planet Exador, which is in South America...wait, that's "Ecuador", sorry...at the Speed of Aroma, we can get there in about 27 nanoseconds, or slightly less time than it would take for Rosie O'Donnell to scarf down an entire box of Eskimo Pies.
Earlier this week I directed my staff to do some research on where a missionary trip to introduce folks to "Johnism" would seem to be most needed, and most effective, and after much scrutiny of whatever facts and information they scrutinized to arrive at their recommendation, they decided on Naples FL. Now, pray tell, oh Pope Person, why Naples FL, you may ask, and your curiosity would coincide with mine, because that's the first question I asked. After they explained, it made all the sense in the world to me.
Their research found that, according to NBCMiami.com, a young woman named Hersha Howard from Naples was recently arrested and charged with aggravated battery and aggravated assault in a brutal attack of her roommate over the unauthorized consumption of a box of Girl Scout cookies, specifically Thin Mints. As all connoisseurs of Girl Scout cookies are certainly aware, the Samoas and some of the other flavors, as opposed to Thin Mints, are definitely not worth giving a roommate a good beating over. And given her apparent proclivity for chocolate, Ms. Howard's first name would seem to be a harbinger of her "addiction".
According to the Collier County Sheriff's Department, the altercation between Ms. Howard and her roommate, who was not identified, was instigated by Ms. Howard when Howard discovered that the roommate had given Howard's children the box of Thin Mints as a snack, unaware that Howard had forbidden the children to have them. Apparently this was an offense so grievous and of such monumental proportions as to cause Howard to awake the roommate from a sound sleep in the middle of the night, make the accusation of wrongdoing and then begin to beat the roommate, even after said roommate offered to pay Howard $10, as compensation for the now eaten box of Thin Mints. The roommate was able to escape Howard's onslaught and run from their apartment, at which time Howard chased her into the front yard of the building and continued her attack using, according to the police report, "a sign". (Pisces, possibly?) Police were summoned by neighbors, and upon arrival, arrested Howard on the above charges.
When interviewed by Sheriff's deputies, the roommate commented that she was very glad that the cookies in question hadn't been any other flavor, because she was convinced that Ms. Howard would have killed her over the Thanks-A-Lot. (On those infrequent occasions when your Pope has suffered from the horror of "reefer madness", I can personally attest to having the urge to kill for a Girl Scout Thanks-A-Lot cookie, or any other kind for that matter. Or a whole box of them.)
After reviewing this episode, my staff determined that if there was any place in the Galaxy that was in desperate need of the soothing balm of Johnism, it was Naples FL, given the circumstances of the above story. Which is why HD and I are headed there later today to begin our missionary work. We were going to leave earlier, but were delayed when the little girl from down the street, the one wearing the green uniform and beret, brought me the cookie order I placed with her several weeks ago; I'm not going anywhere until I have a handful of Thin Mints and a big glass of milk.
I also informed the Harley Dog that if I caught him scarfing down any of my cookies, I'd beat him like a rented mule. The threat, however, proved unnecessary when I discovered that the young lady had also brought Harley HIS order, which I hadn't known he had given her, of several boxes of Thanks-A-Lot cookies. When I attempted to remove the TAL's from him to put them away so we could leave for Naples, the ungrateful mutt growled at me and led me to believe that if I cared to remove his cookies, I did so at the risk of losing an extremity.
He's in the kitchen as I'm writing this, trying to pour himself a glass of milk, which of course he can't do, not being the possessor of opposable thumbs.
And since he growled at me, I refuse to help him.
I figure my chance will come later tonight; he has to go to sleep sometime.
Love and pastries,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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