Picking up from where I left off yesterday, I will continue with my delineation and examination of the various tenets that comprise Johnism, or the dogma of the All John All The Time World Church, which I'm calling my Sickle, which is short for what the Roman Catholics refer to as a Papal Encyclical, which us Pope Guys use to explain the arbitrary rules to which we subject our followers. Actually, most of my positions, and by extension, those of the my church, are meant to be advisory only, unlike other religions that expect their adherents to actually, you know, follow their rules, live decently and behave themselves. Our attitude here at the AJATTWC is a little different; we believe that you should be good, but if you can't be good, then you should try not to get caught, and if you DO get caught, don't call us to bail you out of jail. (We have no budget for that.)
Once again, in no apparent order, other than as they occur to me:
2nd Amendment Rights-
The Second Amendment of the Constitution of our great country reads as follows:
"A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."
Okay, for those of you misguided individuals who believe that, just because our Founders wrote in a stilted English language that doesn't translate well to modern day usage, this amendment allows you to arm yourselves as if the Third World War was imminent, sorry, guys, you're reading it wrong. Now, let me make a point right here; at this juncture in our country's legislative history, there's no law that says you CAN'T keep weapons, so knock yourselves out. But don't misconstrue the 2nd; there's nothing in the language of the amendment that says you, as private citizens and non-members of a militia, can "keep and bear arms".
If I had been the author of this amendment, and wanted to express what the Founders were trying to say, here's how I would have written it:
"Since there are a bunch of kings and other despots in Europe that might eventually decide to come across the Atlantic and attempt to take our homes, our farms and our businesses away from us and make us all subjects to their nonsense again, which is one of the reasons why we came to this land in the first place, to get away from that kind of shit, and since we don't want to keep a standing army, because strong leaders and armies scare us to death, and besides, we can't afford it anyway, and that the several states need some protection as well from other states coming in and taking whatever they want without being polite and asking nicely, we need to keep a militia, which means you guys need to keep your muskets and powder handy just in case the Brits or some other assholes start something. Since the states are afraid that the federal guys will try to take over, and won't fund the militia, thus leaving the several states with no way to confront insurrection, riots and other shit like that, we'll write this amendment so it says that the federal guys can't take your muskets and your powder from you, ever. But only because you gotta' do the militia thing and be members and come running if we call you up, okay?"
Now, based on MY version, in the modern era, if you're not a member of your local or state militia, and since the institution of militias in this country has pretty much gone the way of the dinosaur, given that we now have full-time police departments at the local, county and state levels, as well as professional standing armed forces, keeping personal weapons under the auspices of the 2nd doesn't work. Sorry.
So here's the official position of the AJATTWC: hey, you want to keep rifles and shotguns for hunting or whatever, okay. We don't particularly like it, but we don't like a lot of things we live with day in and day out, like famine, disease, poverty and Lindsay Lohan. But if you're thinking about getting a synthesized, gamma ray-generating 56mm harmonizing laser cannon or a Glock 9 with a 250 shot magazine, forget it. With my luck, you'll shoot me with it.
Global Warming-
Back in 2000, your Pope Guy moved to the beautiful state of California, after nearly fifty (50) years of freezing my butt off in Chicago; great city, lousy winters. No more snow, no more sleet storms, no more scraping an inch of ice off the windshield of my car every morning so I could spend an hour and a half making what was normally a 20 minute drive to work because the snowplows hadn't gotten all the streets cleared yet. I spent fifty years being cold; for my money, the globe can't get warm enough.
Pornography-
The AJATTWC and your Popemeister have always maintained the position vis-a-vis pornography, or the depiction of slutty people doing disgusting, slutty things to each other, or to sheep or other small animals, such as eberts, with a clarinet, an electric drill and a duffel bag full of pineapples, causing people of the guy persuasion (and, to be politically correct, some female types as well) who view such slutty goings-on to become, you know, "aroused", was sick and disgusting and well, slutty. Further, it is our belief that such slutty behavior should not be condoned, and that if in fact followers of the AJATTWC feel that they must conduct themselves in such a slutty fashion, by the viewing of, for example, slutty porn-sites on the Internet, that said followers should forward the URLs of these slutty websites to me, the Pope Guy, immediately, so that I may review them and determine whether or not said slutty sites fall into the category of "slutty" pornography, and give my approval or disapproval for said viewing.
You sluts.
The Los Angeles Dodgers And The McCourts-
Some of you followers of the AJATTWC may not be familiar with Frank and Jamie McCourt, who, depending on whose opinion you believe in the divorce court battle that's currently taking place here in LA (pronounced LAH) between these two ninnies, because Frank caught Jamie doing slutty things with her chauffer (HER, not their chauffer, to give you an idea of the excesses these two twits indulged themselves in, not to mention, just as one example, the two adjacent multi-million dollar homes they owned, and bought with the club's money, in Malibu, using one as a residence and the other as a LAUNDRY FACILITY, and that's a true story, so help me), individually or together own the Los Angeles Dodgers Major League Baseball franchise, much to the detriment of the fans of this venerable club. The only position that the Pope Dude has in reference to these two dumbshits is this: Would you two PLEASE, PLEASE sell the team and go back to Boston or wherever you came from so the loyal fans of this great franchise can have their team back? PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP?
TV/Movie/Video Game Violence-
The AJATTWC's, and the Pope's, opinion on the incessant shooting, killing, murder, violence, exploding car-crashes, knifings, etc. that permeate our television, movies and video games is simple; anyone, anywhere, that thinks this type of "entertainment" doesn't have a detrimental effect on our society, especially on our youth, is a moron, and the Church urges its members to turn this shit off, or don't go to theatres where its showing, and go do something wholesome, like take a walk, or go to a museum, or go spend the day at the beach, or a zoo, or read a good book, or play a round of gerbil golf or whatever.
This shit is insidious, and if you further think it isn't, you're a bigger moron. And if you think that the perpetrators of the horrors at Columbine, Virginia Tech and Tucson, just as a few examples, weren't, to some extent, influenced by all this garbage, then there's something fundamentally wrong with you that scares the hell out of me.
Short People-
Amongst the staff of the AJATTWC there is a general agreement, one with which I concur, that the songwriter Randy Newman said it best, in regards to people who are, to be politically correct, "vertically challenged", when he opined in his song "Short People" that, "Short people got no reason, short people got no reason to live..."
Further, we believe that any adult person ("adult" being defined as having attained the age of 21 years) of the female gender who is less than 5' tall, and any adult person of the male gender who is less than 5'4" tall, should immediately be stripped of their U.S. citizenship, which is nothing at all like a rocketship, and then shipped (pardon the redundancy) off to an island in the Sargasso Sea, where they can live out their tiny, little lives, produce whatever wee, tiny children they care to produce and not bother the rest of us normal, standard height folks. For adult males, the minimum height requirement is increased to 6' 2" if you are currently playing in the National Basketball Association. (Okay, no howls of protest here, I'm just kidding; some of my best friends are midgets.)
And so ends my Sickle, and its about time, wouldn't you agree?
I will periodically update these tenets of Johnism to deal with whatever issues I feel need to be addressed as they arise.
And from now on, I promise not to hold back so much or to be so reticent to express myself.
Love and papal edicts, again,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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