I Just Hope Mine's Bigger Than Yours

Yeah, and you should see the holster you need for that sucker...

Well, your old Pope hasn't written a post in lo, these many months, for various and sundry reasons, some of them dealing with sloth and lack of motivation, but just this evening, predicated on a Facebook post by my friend and ex-brother-in-law, Eric, I now have both determination and motivation. (Although neither in great quantity.)

(FYI, I am Pope John The Tall, leader and CEO of the All John All The Time World Church and Pizza Parlor; an explanation of my meteoric rise to prominence is featured above. See up.)

As I was saying, my friend Eric posted several pictures of himself and his lovely better half, Kim, on FB, showing them at a shooting range firing a weapon that I had never seen the likes of previously. Admittedly, based on my limited knowledge of guns, anything other than a simple shotgun, rifle or basic handgun is outside of my experience.

It was, frankly, an evil-looking thing, in one sense, and yet oddly, in another, quite beautiful. (Kim's a cutie, too.)

Being the type of person that enjoys learning strictly for it's own sake and no other, I queried my ex-BIL as to what type of weapon it was they were shooting.

(Full disclosure here: Eric and I have had some previous discussions on the 2nd Amendment; since he's the shooter and I'm the ignoramus, you can assume who took what side of the debate.)

After replying that the weapon in question was an AR-15, and that it was .223 caliber, I replied back, asking Eric what usage, other than target-shooting, one would have for a weapon of this type. Truly, my intent was merely to obtain information, and nothing else. (Although I have to tell you, to me, this thing looked like something you would use to overrun an enemy position.)

This was my erstwhile friend's reply, verbatim:

"Hopefully that is all I will have to use it for but it makes women hot to! Is this just a precursor to a debate on the second amendment John?"

Now I freely admit, from Eric's point of view, the question was warranted, although I had given him no indication I was looking for such debate. I replied that, no, I had nothing of the sort in mind, that it was merely idle curiosity, and as I said, my penchant for learning.

Shortly thereafter, I logged off and turned to other things, but I couldn't get Eric's question out of mind. (I believe he thinks I'm a closet liberal, which I'm not, but I am quite a good deal more moderate in my politics and ways of thinking than he is; he's also a good deal better looking, and has more money to boot, but I'm smarter. More humble too.)

I kept thinking about the 2nd Amendment and gun-ownership, a subject on which I have done a fairly extensive study. No, for the most part, I don't believe that the Founding Fathers, when writing the Second, had in mind that everyone in America should have the right to arm themselves as if they're going to repel an enemy invasion next week; what they had in mind was to ensure that, since we had no standing armed services at the time the Constitution was written, that all male citizens of that era be free from the various states interference with their responsibility to the Federal government to be members of "a well regulated militia", should the necessity for said militia arise.

In fact, that's how the Amendment is worded: "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

Given what sounds to our 21st ears as rather archaic English, according to all the legislative history I've been able to find, what the FFs were saying was this: because we have no standing army, and because we might need to kick the snot out of the English or the French at some undetermined time in the future, no state can keep a citizen from having a firearm; in fact, we're going to do all we can to ENSURE EVERYONE has a gun. And knows how to shoot Redcoats with it.

My ex-BIL is not, to my knowledge, a member of "a well regulated militia", hence, other than for his own enjoyment, or to potentially blow the bejesus out of some miscreant who takes it upon him or herself to enter his home some early AM with nefarious deeds in mind, he has no more need for a weapon than a horse has for a can opener.

Yes, children, I would love to see ALL guns outlawed, and not because I'm some bleeding-heart liberal.

Guns, in the wrong hands, kill people, and that's wrong.

Honestly, I don't mind that Eric, or my son-in-law, Dennis, or some of my other friends, own guns; I know they're responsible owners, and that the weapons they have are handled properly and safely. (Okay, I admit I cringe knowing my son-in-law is introducing my grandsons to guns, but if they have to come to have this knowledge, better at the hands of someone who will teach them proper gun etiquette.)

Over the past year or so, however, my position on gun-ownership has evolved; I still don't like the damn things, and I hate their violent potential, but if we're going to have to live with them, and let's face it, with the NRA and the gun manufacturer's lobby and the Supreme Court, etc., like it or not, we're going to have them, then here's my new position:

Ready?

Since I believe it's all or nothing with guns, I think the 2nd Amendment should be rewritten to not only protect the "right of the people to keep and bear arms", but I think it should require EVERYONE to be armed, all the time.

That's right, race fans, just like in the Old West: EVERYBODY should pack.

Because if I have to worry when I'm out for my morning walk at 6:00am, late in October when it's still dark out, that some gang-banger asshole is going to pull up next to me, decide that he doesn't like my face and put a 9mm slug in my fat butt, then screw it, I want a Browning Hi-Power hanging on my hip, just waiting for me to quick-draw his ass into oblivion.

If you can't beat'em, shoot'em.

As a good friend of mine from the Old South would say, I'm as serious as a hog on ice. If we can't outlaw all guns, and good luck with that, then everybody should have a piece.

Think that wouldn't reduce random shootings and violence? Bet your ass. During the Cold War, when the Soviet Union and the United States were going about the nuclear arms race, it was called MAD: Mutual Assured Destruction. When both parties have equal firepower, typically it makes both parties stand down just a little quicker.

Hopefully.

So no, Eric, I don't want to debate the Second with you; these days, I'm on your side. I realize the futility in believing that this country will ever outlaw gun ownership, so I want to be protected. Yes, I have seriously considered purchasing a handgun to keep here at home, for protection against invaders.

And I can easily take that consideration the next logical step and say, hey, if I should be able to ensure my safety in my home, I should be able to ensure my safety on the streets as well.

Don't screw with me, pardner, I'm packing heat.

OR NOT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (Isn't that the name of my atomic-powered rocketship?)

Love and grenade-launchers,

PJTT

P.S. Oh, that monster up there at the beginning? Here's the link to the article that explains it:

http://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/military/weapons/1280861 

Go ahead, make my day.

copyright 2012, Krissongs Inc.

The Tenets of "Johnism", Part II

Picking up from where I left off yesterday, I will continue with my delineation and examination of the various tenets that comprise Johnism, or the dogma of the All John All The Time World Church, which I'm calling my Sickle, which is short for what the Roman Catholics refer to as a Papal Encyclical, which us Pope Guys use to explain the arbitrary rules to which we subject our followers. Actually, most of my positions, and by extension, those of the my church, are meant to be advisory only, unlike other religions that expect their adherents to actually, you know, follow their rules, live decently and behave themselves. Our attitude here at the AJATTWC is a little different; we believe that you should be good, but if you can't be good, then you should try not to get caught, and if you DO get caught, don't call us to bail you out of jail. (We have no budget for that.)

Once again, in no apparent order, other than as they occur to me:

2nd Amendment Rights-

            The Second Amendment of the Constitution of our great country reads as follows:

            "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

            Okay, for those of you misguided individuals who believe that, just because our Founders wrote in a stilted English language that doesn't translate well to modern day usage, this amendment allows you to arm yourselves as if the Third World War was imminent, sorry, guys, you're reading it wrong. Now, let me make a point right here; at this juncture in our country's legislative history, there's no law that says you CAN'T keep weapons, so knock yourselves out. But don't misconstrue the 2nd; there's nothing in the language of the amendment that says you, as private citizens and non-members of a militia, can "keep and bear arms".

            If I had been the author of this amendment, and wanted to express what the Founders were trying to say, here's how I would have written it:

            "Since there are a bunch of kings and other despots in Europe that might eventually decide to come across the Atlantic and attempt to take our homes, our farms and our businesses away from us and make us all subjects to their nonsense again, which is one of the reasons why we came to this land in the first place, to get away from that kind of shit, and since we don't want to keep a standing army, because strong leaders and armies scare us to death, and besides, we can't afford it anyway, and that the several states need some protection as well from other states coming in and taking whatever they want without being polite and asking nicely, we need to keep a militia, which means you guys need to keep your muskets and powder handy just in case the Brits or some other assholes start something. Since the states are afraid that the federal guys will try to take over, and won't fund the militia, thus leaving the several states with no way to confront insurrection, riots and other shit like that, we'll write this amendment so it says that the federal guys can't take your muskets and your powder from you, ever. But only because you gotta' do the militia thing and be members and come running if we call you up, okay?"

           

            Now, based on MY version, in the modern era, if you're not a member of your local or state militia, and since the institution of militias in this country has pretty much gone the way of the dinosaur, given that we now have full-time police departments at the local, county and state levels, as well as professional standing armed forces, keeping personal weapons under the auspices of the 2nd doesn't work. Sorry.

            So here's the official position of the AJATTWC: hey, you want to keep rifles and shotguns for hunting or whatever, okay. We don't particularly like it, but we don't like a lot of things we live with day in and day out, like famine, disease, poverty and Lindsay Lohan. But if you're thinking about getting a synthesized, gamma ray-generating 56mm harmonizing laser cannon or a Glock 9 with a 250 shot magazine, forget it. With my luck, you'll shoot me with it.

Global Warming-

            Back in 2000, your Pope Guy moved to the beautiful state of California, after nearly fifty (50) years of freezing my butt off in Chicago; great city, lousy winters. No more snow, no more sleet storms, no more scraping an inch of ice off the windshield of my car every morning so I could spend an hour and a half making what was normally a 20 minute drive to work because the snowplows hadn't gotten all the streets cleared yet. I spent fifty years being cold; for my money, the globe can't get warm enough.

Pornography-

            The AJATTWC and your Popemeister have always maintained the position vis-a-vis pornography, or the depiction of slutty people doing disgusting, slutty things to each other, or to sheep or other small animals, such as eberts, with a clarinet, an electric drill and a duffel bag full of pineapples, causing people of the guy persuasion (and, to be politically correct, some female types as well) who view such slutty goings-on to become, you know, "aroused", was sick and disgusting and well, slutty. Further, it is our belief that such slutty behavior should not be condoned, and that if in fact followers of the AJATTWC feel that they must conduct themselves in such a slutty fashion, by the viewing of, for example, slutty porn-sites on the Internet, that said followers should forward the URLs of these slutty websites to me, the Pope Guy, immediately, so that I may review them and determine whether or not said slutty sites fall into the category of "slutty" pornography, and give my approval or disapproval for said viewing.

            You sluts.

The Los Angeles Dodgers And The McCourts-

            Some of you followers of the AJATTWC may not be familiar with Frank and Jamie McCourt, who, depending on whose opinion you believe in the divorce court battle that's currently taking place here in LA (pronounced LAH) between these two ninnies, because Frank caught Jamie doing slutty things with her chauffer (HER, not their chauffer, to give you an idea of the excesses these two twits indulged themselves in, not to mention, just as one example, the two adjacent multi-million dollar homes they owned, and bought with the club's money, in Malibu, using one as a residence and the other as a LAUNDRY FACILITY, and that's a true story, so help me), individually or together own the Los Angeles Dodgers Major League Baseball franchise, much to the detriment of the fans of this venerable club. The only position that the Pope Dude has in reference to these two dumbshits is this: Would you two PLEASE, PLEASE sell the team and go back to Boston or wherever you came from so the loyal fans of this great franchise can have their team back? PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP?

TV/Movie/Video Game Violence-

            The AJATTWC's, and the Pope's, opinion on the incessant shooting, killing, murder, violence, exploding car-crashes, knifings, etc. that permeate our television, movies and video games is simple; anyone, anywhere, that thinks this type of "entertainment" doesn't have a detrimental effect on our society, especially on our youth, is a moron, and the Church urges its members to turn this shit off, or don't go to theatres where its showing, and go do something wholesome, like take a walk, or go to a museum, or go spend the day at the beach, or a zoo, or read a good book, or play a round of gerbil golf or whatever.

            This shit is insidious, and if you further think it isn't, you're a bigger moron. And if you think that the perpetrators of the horrors at Columbine, Virginia Tech and Tucson, just as a few examples, weren't, to some extent, influenced by all this garbage, then there's something fundamentally wrong with you that scares the hell out of me.

Short People-

            Amongst the staff of the AJATTWC there is a general agreement, one with which I concur, that the songwriter Randy Newman said it best, in regards to people who are, to be politically correct, "vertically challenged", when he opined in his song "Short People" that, "Short people got no reason, short people got no reason to live..."

            Further, we believe that any adult person ("adult" being defined as having attained the age of 21 years) of the female gender who is less than 5' tall, and any adult person of the male gender who is less than 5'4" tall, should immediately be stripped of their U.S. citizenship, which is nothing at all like a rocketship, and then shipped (pardon the redundancy) off to an island in the Sargasso Sea, where they can live out their tiny, little lives, produce whatever wee, tiny children they care to produce and not bother the rest of us normal, standard height folks. For adult males, the minimum height requirement is increased to 6' 2" if you are currently playing in the National Basketball Association. (Okay, no howls of protest here, I'm just kidding; some of my best friends are midgets.)

And so ends my Sickle, and its about time, wouldn't you agree?

I will periodically update these tenets of Johnism to deal with whatever issues I feel need to be addressed as they arise.

And from now on, I promise not to hold back so much or to be so reticent to express myself.

Love and papal edicts, again,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.