As long as we're on the subject of old age (we weren't, but when you get to be my age (118), you're kinda' always on the subject), let me throw a few things out there for your consideration.
First of all, getting older is definitely not for sissies (Richard Pryor once opined that "You don't get old bein' no fool; lotta' old people out there, they smarter than a motherfucker.") and you certainly can't avoid it, given the alternative. And it's no secret that, in America, people are living longer and longer lives. (I love the advertisements for all the exercise/health nuts that claim to add five years on to your life if you follow their regimen faithfully, and of course, spend $8 trajillion on their machines, diet supplements or food, depending on the vendor. Yeah, that's great, add five years on to my life at the END, when all I can do is drool, pass gas and poop myself, sitting in my wheel chair at the Distant Horizons Home For The Aged and Chronically Confused. Why the hell can't you people find a way to add five years on when I was back in my 20's, and I could still get the damn thing up more than once a millennium and...well, never mind that now.) Yeah, old age is no trip to the beach, lemme' tell you.)
As Pope of the All John All The Time World Church, I'm concerned with the issues of the aging, and have directed my staff to undertake studies to determine what we, as one of the leading spiritual institutions in the country (?), can do about it. Unfortunately, I believe I may have to make some staff changes; the first idea they came up with was to shoot all people upon reaching their 75th birthday. (Personally, I thought that was too harsh; I thought the age of shooting should be at least 80.) And there were the legal issues involved as well; I understand that some states in this country have laws against the indiscriminate subtraction of the population base by the use of firearms (other than AZ), so that was a problem as well. (I love the comment I read in the paper recently from one gentleman here in CA, who was an advocate of "open-carry", who said something to the effect that, even though, in CA, you can openly carry only an UNLOADED pistol, he didn't mind that prohibition because, with his gun on one hip and the clip for it on the other, he was only two seconds away from action. That's just what I wanted to hear, that someone can be driving on the freeway in his or her car, get cut off by some inconsiderate asshole, and in two seconds can have his piece locked and loaded, ready to do battle. Gee, that's really comforting.)
So I rejected the "shoot'em at 75" idea and sent the team back to the drawing board, so to speak. The next idea they came up with was establishing an old-folks colony on an island somewhere (maybe in the Sargasso Sea), and shipping everyone there when they reach their 75th birthday. I guess they thought segregation was better than shooting. I told them that we were looking for ideas to help the aging, not separate them from the rest of society, but they made the argument that, when you consider how nasty looking some old people get as they age, with all the drooling, food-spraying and gas-passing, etc., sending them off to a remote island someplace would certainly enhance the aesthetic level here at home. (Hard to argue that logic.) But after long and careful consideration (about 15 seconds), I rejected that idea as well.
Well, in the meantime, the staff here at AJATTWC is still examining the problem and, much like our Congressional representatives, will spend an inordinate amount of time (and money) examining this issue and most likely accomplish nothing. And while the waste of time and money bothers me greatly, what the hell, we're a charitable organization, all we have to do is accept donations, buy expensive homes and automobiles and live the high life.
Just like our elected representatives in Congress.
Love and Geritol,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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