There are all kinds of benefits to being the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church: free use of the Popemobile, lifetime medical/dental, loads of hot women flocking to your side (yeah, right, the only way I would get the opportunity to be close to a hot woman is if I were a fireman and some poor lady was ablaze and I had to put her out), the recognition of other world and religious leaders (I just got a call the other day from Winston Churchill, who wanted to discuss my position on the Iranian sanctions, wait, hold on, my Popephone is ringing...JTT...hey, Mike, 'sup?...whatta' mean, it was a crank call?...he's dead?...shit...okay, thanks).
Never mind.
But all the great bennys notwithstanding, there is one VERY big drawback to this gig; there's no retirement/pension plan. That's right, sports fans, being Pope of the AJATTWC does not automatically come with old age security, and at my age (127), that's a real concern.
Or at least it was until my consigliore, Monsignor Michael Jordan (not THAT Michael Jordan) took me aside and explained to me how this whole Pope thing works. (That was him on the phone just now.) It seems that I'm just like those other guys there in Rome that run that Roman Catholic house, you know, the group that has the ex-Nazi as their Pope now; I have to die to leave office.
No retirement party, no gold watch, no enjoying my sunset years in a little place by the shore, no, baby, the only way to leave this gig is feet-first. And nobody explained this to me before I took the job, otherwise I might have gone in a different direction, I don't know, maybe into marketing or maintenance engineering. Shit, I might have gotten a job in politics, because God knows you don't have to be an Einstein for those gigs. (You want proof? Several years ago, the citizens of the great state of Minnesota elected an ex-pro wrestler as their governor (Jesse "The Body" Ventura) and in 2004, in my home state of California, the voters thought that the guy they had elected less than a year earlier, Gray Davis, was a thorough piece of shit, turned him out of office and replaced him with... wait for it...Arnold Schwarzenegger, the movie star, who isn't likely to ever be confused with a Rhodes scholar.) On second thought, I just realized that I'm way overqualified to be a politician; I have an IQ over 75. (Although not much over.)
I'm not real crazy about this whole "'til death I can't part" aspect of being Pope of the AJATTWC; I only took the gig as a bridge between my previous career (ladies-room attendant) and whatever I was going to do next. It seemed like a great job; like I said, great benefits, lots of perks (like the Popemobile), etc. But what a tradeoff; I thought, hey, be the Pope, bring about world peace, wear the big hat, canonize a few saint-like folks and then ride off into the sunset in a blaze of holy cards.
BUT NOOOOOO, you gotta' stay 'til the end, like it or not. And I'm not liking it one bit. I even tried to quit, but they wouldn't let me. They said they had too much money invested in the custom-tailored robes and surplices and all those other Popey accessories.
So, now that you know all that, aren't you glad George Bush was President and not Pope?
Love and tall hats,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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