As leader of the All John All The Time World Church, I try to keep myself informed of health issues that could potentially impact the members of my church, (yeah, all one of them) things like the spread of the HIV virus, vaccination of children against childhood diseases, flu shots and many others. But the one health issue that has me, as Pope of the AJATTWC, really concerned is the intestinal growth of vegetables. It's insidious, and it's here amongst us.
I recently learned of this dreaded nightmare from an article I read somewhere on the 'Net, about a man who, after complaining of abdominal distress and while being examined at a local emergency room, was found to have a pea plant growing in his stomach. Doctors theorized that the man, a middle-aged man named Jack, had apparently somehow eaten a pea that had then germinated in his stomach, and sprouted a root and what appeared to be the beginning of a stem. (I just remembered, Jack's thing was a beanstalk, wasn't it? Oh well, I guess I blew that one. The rest of the story is true.)
Now, I don't know about you, but the idea that there may be vegetative matter growing in my intestines creeps the shit outta' me. It's gotten so bad that now, whenever I eat things like tomatoes, with all those little seeds in the middle, I scrape them all out before I eat them. I really like tomatoes; I cook with them, put them on sandwiches, in salads, I even eat them sliced as a side dish. But not before I scrape the seeds out, because the last thing I want to have to do is go to the emergency room and try and explain to some doctor why I have three feet of tomato plant stem growing out of my asshole. (It's hard enough trying to explain having three nipples, one of which is in the middle of my forehead.) No, no more tomato seeds for Mrs. Pope's son.
Now, with all that said, if I thought that would work with marijuana plants, I might give it a go, you know, fire up a batch of brownies, leave a few seeds in, and start harvesting my nether regions about three months later. Think of the money I would save on buying...well, never mind that now. And besides, I know that would probably violate a number of rules of the AJATTWC, and as the Popester, well, we can't have that now can we? You know, lead by example, like Bill Clinton did.
I also don't eat fresh pumpkin, for the same reason. (I once worked for a guy who used to eat peanuts in the shell...whole. Yep, peanut and husk, right over the tongue and down the old shoot. Can you imagine how hard that would be, outbound, on your asshole?)
(Popephone rings...JTT...hey, Mike, how was your weekend?...you were at that game? Awesome...whatta' you mean I can't say "asshole? Why not?...hey, it's better than wazoo, and it's a whole lot better than Republican...I have to say 'anus'? Geez, that sounds wimpy as hell...(big sigh)...all right, I'll change it...yeah, you too...
Can you imagine how hard that would be, outbound, on YOUR ANUS? (That's a planet, right?)
This PC stuff is getting a little absurd, you know that? Next thing you know, I won't be able to say "asparagus" for fear of offending some arugula farmer somewhere. (For the longest time I thought "arugula" was an island in the Caribbean, you know, like "Arugula, Jamaica, oooh, I want to take you...")
And, apropos of absolutely nothing, "Anniston" is not only the last name of one of the major hotties of all time, but it's also a city in eastern Alabama. (Somebody explain to me how a guy can dump someone as gorgeous as Jen, which would be, in most guy's opinion, a MAJOR dumb move, and then move right in with Angelina. NOBODY normal has that kind of luck. As Pope of the AJATTWC, I'm having Brad Pitt investigated for possible dealings with the Devil; in the movie version, the role of Satan will be played by Jack Nicholson, well-known Laker fan.)
Rutabaga is a small town in Lower Zimbabwe, isn't it? No, wait, that's Arugula.
Love and peapods,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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