You know, being Pope of the All John All The Time World Church has become a full-time position, but it wasn't always that way; when I first applied for the job, it was strictly part-time, less than two hours (show up for services on Sunday, pass the plate, count the money, hit the road) a week. The pay was just fair but the hours were excellent, so I took the gig.
Even though it has been some time since I went through the screening process to get the job and become Pope, I still remember most of the questions (and my answers) on the employment application that I was required to fill out:
Q: DESIRED POSITION:
Prone, preferably, but Pope is okay too.
Q: DESIRED SALARY:
$50M annual plus stock options and all the holy cards I can get. In lieu of that, I'll take pretty much whatever is offered.
Q: EDUCATION: Yes, barely.
Q: LAST POSITION HELD: Verbal punching bag for my ex-boss.
Q: SALARY: Way less then I was worth.
Q: MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: An incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-It notes.
Q: REASON FOR LEAVING: The job, and my ex-boss, sucked.
Q: HOURS AVAILABLE FOR WORK: 1:00pm to 1:30pm Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and as needed on Sundays.
Q: SPECIAL SKILLS YOU POSSESS: Cat-skinning, tree-climbing and others more suited to an intimate environment with a consenting adult.
Q: MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER: If I had one, would I be here?
Q: DO YOU OWN A VEHICLE: That runs, or just do I have one?
Q: ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION: I may be the winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
Q: DO YOU SMOKE: Only when I'm on fire.
Q: WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS: Just about anywhere but here, say like, on a beach in the Bahamas, surrounded by beautiful, and scantily clad, women.
Q: DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE INFORMATION IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE: Yes, and I dare you to prove otherwise.
Q: PLEASE SIGN HERE: Pisces.
What was most interesting about this application was that they gave me the job despite my answers.
So now I'm Pope of the AJATTWC, and you know what? These people have this really old-fashioned idea that, for them to give me a paycheck every week, they expect me to show up and actually work. What an archaic attitude; I mean, how 1950's is that? So I sit here every day, focusing on issues that affect my flock of followers, trying to be the best Pope I can be, (remember that commercial from back a million years ago, "Be, all that you can be, in the ARRARRARRMEEE.") when I would much rather be on that beach in the Bahamas, sipping on an adult beverage, while mostly naked, gorgeous young women periodically rub me down with suntan oil, laughing the whole time at the goofy-looking hat they make me wear as Pope.
There was another commercial for the Armed Forces from back a lot of years ago that went, "It's not just a job, it's an adventure"; my consigliore, Monsignor Michael Jordan (not the ex-baseball player) says I should look at my Pope gig the same way. Yeah, it's also $362.54 a month, after taxes, and all the holy cards I want.
I figure that, if I really want a significant increase in salary, with even fewer duties, I can always run for Congress. They wouldn't make me wear a big hat either.
Love and Human Resources,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
No comments:
Post a Comment