WELCOME TO THE BLOG OF POPE JOHN THE TALL, LEADER OF THE ALL JOHN ALL THE TIME WORLD CHURCH


******PLEASE NOTE******

(Notice I said please.)

To those of you who are new to "the Pope" and the "AJATTWC", the following various posts are the official communications of yours truly, Pope John The Tall, or as I'm known in many circles, PJTT.

I aspired to the position of Pope of the AJATTWC several years ago, after the Roman Catholics elected Joseph Ratzinger, a German Cardinal, as their Pope; I figured if he could do it, so could I.

Despite what would seem to be a "religious" theme, I try not to play favorites: I'm satirical/irreverent about everything, in an attempt to give my readers a few yucks; that is the goal. If I haven't made you laugh, well, I tried, and I hope I'm given an "A" for the effort. (Or at least a really solid "C".)

I further hope that my faithful readers (all several of them) and any of you who wander in from the cold of the Internet, will derive much solace and spiritual awakening from my timeless prose, and, as I so often refer to it, the "soothing balm of Johnism"; if you don't, how sad for you, because I'm a pretty funny guy. (My daughter tells me, regularly, that I'm "silly"; I suspect that she's right.)

Please note that everything on my blog is meant to be fun, and in no way insulting to anyone, unless of course you're a politician, then you can assume I intended to insult you. (Hey, it goes with the job, guys; if you can't take the heat, then the harder they fall.)

Never mind.

Anyway, welcome and thanks for stopping by; please feel free to peruse to your heart's content (there is a large archive of my past posts, going back several hundred years, in the right-hand column), and please be sure to make a large donation at the door as you leave. (It's tax-deductible.)

Speaking of leaving, as I make my exit, and probably none too soon, here's something from the Book of Excretions, Apollo 13: Dodgers 6...

"Blessed are the lazy, for although they don't accomplish much, they're well rested."

Enjoy. (Or don't, it's still a free country. It is still a free country, isn't it? They haven't changed that as far as I know, have they?)





Sunday, January 30, 2011

I Suppose I could Always Try Monster.com...

You know, being Pope of the All John All The Time World Church has become a full-time position, but it wasn't always that way; when I first applied for the job, it was strictly part-time, less than two hours (show up for services on Sunday, pass the plate, count the money, hit the road) a week. The pay was just fair but the hours were excellent, so I took the gig.

Even though it has been some time since I went through the screening process to get the job and become Pope, I still remember most of the questions (and my answers) on the employment application that I was required to fill out:

Q: DESIRED POSITION:
            Prone, preferably, but Pope is okay too.

Q: DESIRED SALARY:
            $50M annual plus stock options and all the holy cards I can get. In lieu of that, I'll take pretty much whatever is offered.

Q: EDUCATION: Yes, barely.

Q: LAST POSITION HELD: Verbal punching bag for my ex-boss.

Q: SALARY: Way less then I was worth.

Q: MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: An incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-It notes.

Q: REASON FOR LEAVING: The job, and my ex-boss, sucked.

Q: HOURS AVAILABLE FOR WORK: 1:00pm to 1:30pm Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and as needed on Sundays.

Q: SPECIAL SKILLS YOU POSSESS: Cat-skinning, tree-climbing and others more suited to an intimate environment with a consenting adult.

Q: MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER: If I had one, would I be here?

Q: DO YOU OWN A VEHICLE: That runs, or just do I have one?

Q: ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION:  I may be the winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

Q: DO YOU SMOKE: Only when I'm on fire.

Q: WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS: Just about anywhere but here, say like, on a beach in the Bahamas, surrounded by beautiful, and scantily clad, women.

Q: DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE INFORMATION IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE: Yes, and I dare you to prove otherwise.

Q: PLEASE SIGN HERE: Pisces.

What was most interesting about this application was that they gave me the job despite my answers.

So now I'm Pope of the AJATTWC, and you know what? These people have this really old-fashioned idea that, for them to give me a paycheck every week, they expect me to show up and actually work. What an archaic attitude; I mean, how 1950's is that? So I sit here every day, focusing on issues that affect my flock of followers, trying to be the best Pope I can be, (remember that commercial from back a million years ago, "Be, all that you can be, in the ARRARRARRMEEE.") when I would much rather be on that beach in the Bahamas, sipping on an adult beverage, while mostly naked, gorgeous young women periodically rub me down with suntan oil, laughing the whole time at the goofy-looking hat they make me wear as Pope.

There was another commercial for the Armed Forces from back a lot of years ago that went, "It's not just a job, it's an adventure"; my consigliore, Monsignor Michael Jordan (not the ex-baseball player) says I should look at my Pope gig the same way. Yeah, it's also $362.54 a month, after taxes, and all the holy cards I want.

I figure that, if I really want a significant increase in salary, with even fewer duties, I can always run for Congress. They wouldn't make me wear a big hat either.

Love and Human Resources,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

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