WELCOME TO THE BLOG OF POPE JOHN THE TALL, LEADER OF THE ALL JOHN ALL THE TIME WORLD CHURCH


******PLEASE NOTE******

(Notice I said please.)

To those of you who are new to "the Pope" and the "AJATTWC", the following various posts are the official communications of yours truly, Pope John The Tall, or as I'm known in many circles, PJTT.

I aspired to the position of Pope of the AJATTWC several years ago, after the Roman Catholics elected Joseph Ratzinger, a German Cardinal, as their Pope; I figured if he could do it, so could I.

Despite what would seem to be a "religious" theme, I try not to play favorites: I'm satirical/irreverent about everything, in an attempt to give my readers a few yucks; that is the goal. If I haven't made you laugh, well, I tried, and I hope I'm given an "A" for the effort. (Or at least a really solid "C".)

I further hope that my faithful readers (all several of them) and any of you who wander in from the cold of the Internet, will derive much solace and spiritual awakening from my timeless prose, and, as I so often refer to it, the "soothing balm of Johnism"; if you don't, how sad for you, because I'm a pretty funny guy. (My daughter tells me, regularly, that I'm "silly"; I suspect that she's right.)

Please note that everything on my blog is meant to be fun, and in no way insulting to anyone, unless of course you're a politician, then you can assume I intended to insult you. (Hey, it goes with the job, guys; if you can't take the heat, then the harder they fall.)

Never mind.

Anyway, welcome and thanks for stopping by; please feel free to peruse to your heart's content (there is a large archive of my past posts, going back several hundred years, in the right-hand column), and please be sure to make a large donation at the door as you leave. (It's tax-deductible.)

Speaking of leaving, as I make my exit, and probably none too soon, here's something from the Book of Excretions, Apollo 13: Dodgers 6...

"Blessed are the lazy, for although they don't accomplish much, they're well rested."

Enjoy. (Or don't, it's still a free country. It is still a free country, isn't it? They haven't changed that as far as I know, have they?)





Friday, January 28, 2011

Boys And Their Toys

One of the things I get the biggest bang out of doing with the official atomic-powered rocket ship of the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church, (that would be me) the Royal Unionship Kidding, or the RU Kidding for short, is flying over convents inverted (that's down-side up for you non-aeronautical types) at about 48 gazillion parkingmeters (that's the next measurement up from kilometers) per hour, swooping in really low to scare the living bejeezus out of any nuns that might be out in the yard. Why convents/nuns? Latent hostility towards the "other" Pope, (you know, the one in Rome)? A death wish on my part? General orneriness?

Honestly, I've never actually done that, you know, flown low over a convent; I just wanted to see if you guys were paying attention. (Hey, speaking of "official" stuff, like the "official atomic-powered rocket ship of the Pope", am I the only that thinks this whole "official" endorsement thing has gotten a little out of hand? You know, like those little "blurbs" on TV sports commercials that tell us, "Wally's Worms And Wigglers: Official Bait And Tackle Provider For The NHL", or "Poophead County Morgue, Official Sponsor Of The MLB". Come on, guys, you mean to tell me that the $500 gazillion trillion dollars you already make on ticket sales, ads, sports apparel, kickbacks, etc. isn't enough? I mean, I'm all for free enterprise, hell, I'm in favor of just about "free" anything, but I don't know, these "official" thingies seem...tacky.)

Us Popes have always had, over the years, all kinds of "toys", you know, like atomic-powered rocket ships, Popemobiles, (I guess if I were Santa Claus that would be the Skimobile), a yacht, a dog-sled team and a juggling/acrobatic troupe from Argentina (The Flying Evitas).

Now, you're probably asking yourself, myself, how does a man of the cloth, a Pope, a man who has dedicated his life to helping sinners, who has taken a vow of poverty, how does he afford all these expensive toys? What, are you serious? (RU Kidding?) You guys ever see pictures of the Vatican? The value of the art treasures alone in that place would support every man, woman, child and orangutan in the State of Rhode Island for the next several decades. Afford a yacht? Ask Robert Schiller, you know, the preacher, excuse me, "televangelist", who founded that church down in Orange County CA that built the Crystal Palace. (Although they recently declared bankruptcy so maybe he's not the best person to ask; besides, Schiller wasn't a Pope.) Afford a yacht? The Pope in Rome could afford his own Navy if he wanted. ("Arnie's Army/Navy Store, this is Hugo, how can I help you?" "Hey, hi Pope, 'sup?" "Okay, what do you need?" "Uh-huh...uh-huh...yeah...uh-huh...okay, lemme' read this list back to you... you need a George Washington-class aircraft carrier, a battleship, two frigates, an Aegis intel ship and three guided missile cruisers? Did I get everything?" "Hey, we got a special going this week, buy one Aegis ship, get an Ohio-class nuclear submarine at half off, how about if I...?" "Oh, yeah, I forgot, no ballistic nukes, only tactical, okay, just wanted to mention it. How soon do you need them?")

The SS Dee Dee, the "official" yacht of the Pope of the AJATTWC is a 245 foot, twin-engined beauty capable of 5982 knots (that's 38 mph to you landlubbers, or E=mc2 less the excise tax), sleeps 115 guests, has a swimming pool, beauty salon, casino, massage parlor, tennis courts, the Statue of Liberty, two pubs and a partridge in a pear tree. Just what every discerning Pope needs.

I mean, it's all about image, right? Perception is reality? Besides, who wants to have anything to do with a church that preaches poverty and giving to the poor, you know, like that Jesus guy talked about? Boy, what century did he live in?

Love and Rembrandts,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

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