Remember "Vygr" From The First Star Trek Movie? Yeah, That One

That's an 881-pound tuna that was caught recently by New Bedford, MA fisherman Carlos Rafael...with a net, which apparently is a no-no for catching large sea leviathans, according to Federal fishery enforcement agents. (The article that this picture appeared in didn't mention what agency of the Federal government "fishery enforcement agents" work for, but I'm thinking FBI or the CIA as most likely. "Fishery enforcement agents" sounds way too sinister for the Interior Department.)

Since tuna and, I imagine, other common sea creatures such as whales, sharks, squid, dolphins, Komodo dragons, sea lions, sea porcupines and Newt Gingrich, cannot be caught with a net, but rather a fisherperson must use "handgear", such as rods and reels or a harpoon, (shiver me timbers and Herman Melville), this catch was illegal and was seized by "Federal fishery enforcement agents" from Mr. Rafael.

Two things occur to me here: a) that must have been a hell of a big tin can that monstrous son-of-a-bitch came out of and b) the only "handgear" suitable for hauling something that large out of the ocean would be an AK-47. Or a synthesized, gamma ray-generating 56mm harmonizing laser cannon.

The AP article went on to say that the recent sale of a 754-pound tuna brought in $396,000 for the seller, so once again, we have an instance where our government, in the form of "Federal fishery enforcement agents", sticks it to a citizen.

Hey, fishery agent dudes, unless your "handgear" is the size of a telephone pole, it's not likely many almost 900-pound tuna fish are going to be caught. I mean, we're not talking blue whales or bottle-nose dolphins here, it's a tuna. (A big effing tuna.) The guy had a "tuna permit", gimme' a break, so he used a net, what was he supposed to do, arm-wrestle the damn thing into his boat?

Geez.

But that's not what I want to talk about today.

No, your Pope Guy here at the All John All The Time World Church had another topic in mind for today; I originally thought I would give all of you loyal followers of the AJATTWC the benefit of my wisdom regarding the proper way to clean a septic tank, but as Harley and I (you guys remember Harley, don't you? That's his pic to your right there, the one with the shit-eating grin on his face) were discussing the details of the essay here in my office, in runs the newest member of my staff, the Assistant Official Canine Of The Pope, Tucker Dog, tongue out, ears flopping and tail going 240.

"Whoa there, big guy, slow down," I said, as TD did a few laps around my desk in his excitement. As you can obviously see from his picture over there under the Harley Dog's, Tucker is still rather young and, as most puppies are, full of piss and vinegar. (And a shitload of Science Diet Puppy Food; Tuck hit 30 pounds before he was three months old.)

Harley looked on with disdain at the complete lack of decorum being shown by his new assistant, and said nothing, his displeasure obvious on his face.

The new AOCOTP here at the AJATTWC had this week's edition of Time magazine in his mouth, and when he finally stopped running, he sat down, scratched behind his left ear for a moment, and then dropped it on my desk, dog slobber and all.

"What?" I said. (As the English would say, ripping comeback, what?)

Tucker pawed the magazine open to a double-page showing an artist's rendition of a star-filled outer space scene, with a detailed drawing of a satellite in the upper right hand corner. The headline for the article read "Infinity And Beyond", and went on to tell the story of the Voyager 1 and Voyager 2 spacecraft, both of which were launched from Cape Kennedy in 1977. And they're still going today.

What an amazing story.

(Remember the original Star Trek movie, Star Trek: The Motion Picture? Where "V'Ger" was a "mysterious and immensely powerful alien cloud", per the article on WikiPedia, and threatened Earth with destruction? And it turns out that "V'Ger" was merely one of the Voyager spacecraft, come home after acquiring vast powers during it's journey through the cosmos, to wreak havoc on it's makers? My grandsons better hope that doesn't happen in the future in real life; William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy are getting WAY too old and fat to come to the rescue of our sorry planet over and over again like they used to do.)

V1 is now, as of November 2011, right around 11 BILLION miles away from Earth, with V2 right on it's heels at slightly over 9 BILLION miles away. Radio communications with V1 now take 13.5 hours to reach the spacecraft, with a corresponding wait for an answer. The two satellites are still trucking along, apparently still working almost flawlessly, which is a stunning tribute to the design and construction of the vehicles by the all the hard-working, amazingly brilliant scientists and engineers at NASA.

I know NASA has fallen on hard times of late, but say what you want, what a record of accomplishment those people have. And don't think for a second that their work has had no effect on or dividends for all of us. Modern computers, as we know them today, are just one example of the benefit to Americans, and indeed all mankind, that we have realized because of our space program.

I won't give you all the story highlights, or the blow-by-blow account of the travels of two craft; check out the story online for all that.

http://www.time.com/time/video/player/0,32068,1292288635001_2100329,00.html

Now I don't know about you guys, but I find all matters space-related to be fascinating. One of my most fond desires in life is to someday fly in outer space; of course, I realize the unlikelihood of this ever happening, but I can dream.

I was enthralled, as a kid, by the Mercury, Gemini and Apollo space programs, and can still remember sitting in front of my older sister's TV in her Santa Monica apartment on July 20th, 1969, completely in awe, when Neil Armstrong hopped down from the ladder on the Lunar Excursion Module, and man first set foot on the surface of the moon. (True story; I am getting goose-bumps, literally, as I sit here writing this.)

V1 is now approaching the outer limits of our solar system, which is estimated by scientists to be about 12 BILLION miles from Earth.

Let me say that again: V1 is now approaching the outer limits of our solar system, which is estimated by scientists to be about 12 BILLION miles from Earth. Mankind is poised "to boldly go where no man has gone before", and that absolutely knocks me out.

Wow. Big time wow.

We haven't had an opportunity yet, Harley and I, to take Tucker out on the Royal Unionship Kidding, my atomic powered rocket ship, which we affectionately refer to as the RU Kidding, or just "the Kidding" for short; I can only imagine what that will be like for him his first time. We've been all over the galaxy, to planets near and far, spreading the "soothing balm of Johnism" to other races and peoples, but we've never even been close to the outer edge of the solar system. Who knows what awaits the Voyagers as they pass this milestone in space.

What wonders will they pass, what miracles of God's creation will they see?

We've been to the Moon, we're on our way to Mars again as we speak (if you missed it, NASA launched a rocket with the Mars explorer "Curiosity" on-board just last week), and now, as a race of beings, are poised on the edge of "the final frontier".

It seems so sad to consider what a lousy job we do of running our planet, even as we're on the cusp of one of the most remarkable achievements in the history of our race. But I won't proselytize; I'm too excited about the Voyagers to start complaining about what a bunch of dumbshits people can be, and how, when we listen and bring to bear the best parts of ourselves, what we can accomplish.

Man's reach should always exceed his grasp, and we're reaching for the stars.

I wonder if the planet Hyperion has any 900-pound tuna fish living in its oceans? Talk about strange creatures from alien civilizations.

And there's my ex-, creeping into the conversation, once again.

I thanked Tucker for bringing the article in Time to my attention, and then he and Harley headed for the kitchen; the outer reach of their solar system is the cupboard where I keep the Thin Mints cookies.

Love and space stations,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

The "NOBULLetin" For November 2011

"...she's my little deuce coupe, you don't know what I got...".

Great car, great song, lousy English and you want to know what I don't got? A cool ride like this...(large sigh of resignation here)...but I'll get over it.

You have to admit, though, it would be a really cool Popemobile.

Back to business: once a month, or every 6.23 weeks on the Julian calendar, the Bored Of Elders at the All John All The Time World Church directs their Pope, (that would be me), to publish a newsletter detailing for all our faithful followers, and for the non-faithful as well, the various and sundry happenings here at the AJATTWC, which we call the NOBULLetin.

And so, for the month of November, 2256, here is this month's NOBULLetin, being seen here today in it's entirety with no commercial interruptions.

*"Johner Of The Month" For November*

            The AJATTWC's coveted award, which each month recognizes a member of the Pope's flock for their commitment to the soothing balm of Johnism, (or one who has made a LARGE cash donation recently), is given this month to:

Eric Meinke of

Plainfield IL

Congratulations, Eric, and please keep up the good work (and thanks for the dough as well). As a further token of the Bored's esteem, a Xerox copy of a handsome commemorative plaque to memorialize this momentous event will be given to the lucky wiener, err, winner. Eric, with this award and about eight bucks, you can get that new Western Burrito BBQ Jalapeno Double Cheeseburger at any Texas Slim's Roadhouse Burgers and Firing Range. Great job, buddy, and keep up the good work. (And keep the checks coming too; thanks.)

(Hey, faithful followers, please pay attention; last month I wrote "p-l-a-G-u-e", which I guess would mean "a commemorative contagious disease that is deadly", and NOBODY noticed. As you can imagine, that was not the message I was attempting to convey. If attention lapses such as this occur again in the future, there will be sanctions.)

*Men's Club Outing Last Month*

            Our Men's Club President, Brother Gary Indiana, would like to report that, despite all the build-up in advance of their trip to Racing Rock Park, the actual visit to see the running of the Flintstone 500 (yards) was less exciting then anticipated. (Brother Alan Wrench said, "it sucked"; Brother Alan needs to learn to be more direct with his observations.) Brother Gary said that several Men's Club members attending the event seemed to think that, although it is unique in the annals of rock racing history, watching a rock move across the floor of the desert (considering they move so slow that the movement can't be seen with the naked eye, or even a semi-naked one), is something akin to watching traffic lights turn from red to yellow to green and back again, over and over.

            The group is discussing attending the next Republican Party Presidential Debate, but decided that one REALLY boring event was enough for a while.

http://www.bing.com/travel/content/search?q=Mysterious+Sights%3a+Racetrack+Playa%2c+California&FORM=TRSSPG 

*Woman's Club Bake Sale*

            There is currently no Woman's Club Bake Sale scheduled, according to Club President Virginia Ham; however, in the history of the AJATTWC and the NOBULLetin, there has never been an edition that did not contain a reference to a Woman's Club Bake Sale, and I didn't want to set an unfortunate precedent with this month's.

*All-Member Church Meeting*

            The Bored Of Elders of the AJATTWC has scheduled an All-Member's Church Meeting for next Thursday, Star Date 98.6, at 7:00AMPM, to discuss using outdoor advertising to promote the Church. Brother Gideon Bible, Head Elder, assisted by Brother Justin Case, Shoulder Elder, will give a brief Power Point presentation, which will be followed by an open-floor discussion of the topic. Brother Bible has stated that he hopes we're able to do a better job than the Atheists, who managed to attribute a quote (see above) to Thomas Jefferson that, apparently, Mr. Jefferson never uttered. (Good job, you heathen sluts.)

            Sister Georgia Peach is in charge of refreshments for this event; please contact her if you can bring a dish. (Or a plate.) (Or a rutabaga.)

*Lecture By Dr. O'Lading*

            Dr. Bill O'Lading, the distinguished Director of our Church-sponsored charity, the Home For The Chronically Bewildered, will give a lecture next Sunday, after services, in the Church Meeting Hall entitled "You Don't Have To Be A Moron To Be An Atheist, But it Helps". Dr. O'Lading's talk will focus on just how dumb you have to be to a) be an athiest and b) not check your facts before you put them on a 50 foot by 20 foot outdoor (is there such a thing as an "indoor"?) billboard.

            Please let Sister Robin Snest in the Church office know if you plan to attend, and hurry, because the seats are filling up fast. (And when was the last time your seat was full?)

*Teen Club Looking For Ideas*

            Sister Penny Lane, the Teen Club moderator and our welding (no, not "wedding") expert here at the AJATTWC, has made a request to all the Members for fund-raising ideas that the Teen Club can consider for next year. You will recall, this year's drive, the selling of raffle tickets to "Win An Evening With Elvis" was less than successful; our erstwhile Junior Members unfortunately didn't realize the King had passed on some years ago.

            So please, let's put our thinking caps on and give the kids some great ideas, preferably ones that don't involve dead entertainers.

*Prayer Requests*

            -Brother Glen Plaid asks that we remember his aunt, Sister Maureen Corps, who is having a watermelon-sized growth removed from your uvula next week;

            -Sister Rosemary Enthyme asks that we pray for her pet Komodo dragon, Fluffy, who is having a tail reduction after the holidays;

            -Brother Mac Encheese asks that we remember his half-brother, Mayor Mc, who recalls nothing.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

Okay, here's the list of sponsors; do the Bored a favor and check these merchants out. They help fund the exorbitant salary, err, pittance that the Bored pays me twice a month.

-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law

"We're in it for the dough."

            www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com

-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor

"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"

227 North Bondage Ave.

-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"

            Visit us at www.labeautiful.com

            All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:

            -breast augmentation

            -breast lifts

            -male breast ("moobs") reduction

            -hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")

            -facelift

            -tummy tuck

            -and many others

            Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin

            Free Limo Service with qualified procedures

(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)

Hey, Athiest Folks, listen up: Christopher Hitchens, a famous non-believer in God, once said, in dismissing belief in a Supreme Being, that "what can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence".

Hey Chris, take a look at that billboard some of your co-doofuses put up; right back at you, buddy.

...and blessed are the bewildered, not because they're cool or anything, but because they can use all the help they can get...

Solicitations: Apollo 13, Dodgers 5

Love and advertising,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

Okay, Who Had 72 Days In The Office Pool?

Is anyone surprised?

Does anyone really care?

Congratulations to Kris Humphrey on his "15 minutes"; nice job, big guy, to have the good sense to realize that you would never achieve that pinochle of success in the NBA, where no one is even sure for which team you sit the bench.

Kim, I understand that "W" magazine wants to do another "photo-shoot" of you, nude of course, since that really is your only claim to fame; they want to do a "before" and "after" comparison, to determine if being married for less than half of an NBA season effected any major physical changes to the bride. Given the typical brain activity of Ms. Kardashian, there are no plans to investigate whether there were any significant mental changes.

Ring...ring...ri

"PJTT...morning, Mike...I wrote what?...p-i-n-o-c-h-l-e...oh, PINNACLE, shit, I blew that one, didn't I?...yeah, it's too early to be writing about these two dolts, but I was up and the paper hasn't gotten here yet, so I thought, ehh, what the hell, tee up a few practice shots at Cagney and Lacey up there, you know, get the ol' juices flowing before breakfast...yeah, I'll go back and correct it, thanks...hey, spring-training is coming soon, let's start thinking about line-ups and pitching for next season...hey, you know the Methodists are already working out in their gym...yeah, okay, lemme' know...yeah, okay."

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the minor-league player for Birmingham a few years ago); he tells me I made a small error in the third paragraph above (see up).

Well, whether Kris Humphries will again ever reach the lofty heights of success he has realized by marrying Ms. Kim, or whether he even played his cards right (reports are that Kim, who despite Kris's most likely bloated NBA salary still makes a SHITLOAD more money than he does, has already nixed the idea of "spousal support"), we will probably never know.

And once again, Question A, who cares?

In other entertainment news, was that Justin Boober recently seen "out and about" at a local dance club with SecState HRC? Does Bill know?

Please see Question A above (see up again).

Love and TMZ,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

加倍努力，芝加哥熊 (That's Chinese For The Greatest Team Ever)

The time? The mid-60's.

The place? The suburbs of Chicago IL, better known as the home of the "Monsters Of The Midway", the Chicago Bears.

The scene? Jimmy "Mac" McMahon and William "the Fridge" Perry meet for the first time.

And the rest, as they say, is geography.

"加倍努力，芝加哥熊，做每戲劇扫清道路到勝利; 加倍努力，芝加哥熊，那么無所畏懼举起與威力的一次戰鬥。 We' ll從未忘記您興奮有您的T形成的國家的方式。 加倍努力，芝加哥為什麼負擔，並且告诉他們you' 再佩帶冠。 You' 關於伊利諾伊自豪感和喜悅，芝加哥熊，下來熊。"

Oh, that? That's the words to "Bear Down, Chicago Bears", the Bears' fight song, in Traditional Chinese, just in case you're ever in Beijing, watching the Bears kick the noodles outta' the Vikings.

Okay, you cry babies, never let it be said that your Pope didn't look after you; here it is in English as well.

"Bear down, Chicago Bears, make every play clear the way to victory;
Bear down, Chicago Bears, put up a fight with a might so fearlessly.
We'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation with your T-formation.
Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you're wearing the crown.
You're the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears, bear down."

Fridge: "So, where we goin'?"

Jimmy Mac: "Goin' to see a friend of mine, lives over on the next block. His name is Walter."

Fridge: "Can he play ball?"

Jimmy Mac: "Yeah, a little."

1985. What a magical time in the Windy City.

Thanks again, guys.

Love and Mr. Halas,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

Sperm Bank Announces New Policy: Home Delivery (Just Like Dominos, Guaranteed Hot)

SOMEBODY, somewhere, decided to buy into that old adage about "never send a boy to do a man's job".

"Hang on, Marilyn, I'm coming," he cried, with no pun intended. (I hope.)

Okay, here's the real story on the "Sperm Bike":

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/28/seattle-sperm-bike_n_1063606.html?ref=weird-news

Love the quote from the guy at the Sperm Bank: "You put a giant sperm on a bike, and you're going to get some attention."

I think that qualifies as the understatement of the day.

Anyway, I'm glad the Seattle Sperm Bank is doing such a fabulous job for their customers; you have to admit though, my version of the story is much funnier.

Love and turkey-basters,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

Happy Empty Hotdog (or) Have A Great Holloweenie!

Since I hadn't yet been selected to be the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church last Halloween, this will be my first annual Happy Holloweenie post, and I think it's going to be a good one. And since my opinion is the only one that counts, at least here at the AJATTWC, tough cookies what you guys think.

First, a little history of the holiday (and name) Halloween. (Or would you rather I go right into the dirt-bag stuff? Yeah, that's what I thought you would say.) But you know what? For once, your ol' Pope Guy is going to show some taste and do this whole Halloween presentation properly, and with class. (If the Pumpkin Lady up at the top of the page turns around, she'll be showing some serious, umm, class also.)

The word Halloween is a Scottish variant of the words All Hallow's Even, which translates into modern English as All Hallowed Evening, or in other words, the night before November 1st, which is All Saints Day on the Roman Catholic calendar. The jack o' lanterns, which were originally carved to commemorate the souls in Purgatory, as well as the witches and goblins and Rick Perrys and all that other scary stuff came from various similar pagan rituals and old country traditions that all refined down to the celebration of Halloween that we have today, complete with the elements of magic, witchcraft, hauntings, the dead rising, cats and dogs sleeping together (thanks, Billy M.) and so many other of our more quaint Halloween traditions.

For example, the tradition of "dressing up" for Halloween came from Irish and Scottish festivals that celebrated the end of summer and the beginning of what was referred to as "O'Freak Time", when people would make themselves up in various scary motifs, to amuse friends and scare the living bejeezus out of all the kids in the neighborhood. Here's an example of a 16th century "o'shamus" or "goofball", as they were known then.

This tradition was eventually refined down to "trick-or-treating", where village children would dress in fanciful costumes (see the Cowboy Pope costume below) and go door to door in the village, mockingly threatening to pull a "Trick" on the individual villager if they weren't given a "Treat".

(My grandfather, Pope Howard The Humble, tells the story of how the villagers in his time stopped the annoying tradition of trick-or-treating; gramps lived in Hell...Hell MI...

...and of course, since it was Hell, they had the gates thereto, right outside of town. So one Halloween, when Gramps and all the neighbors had had enough window soaping, and outhouse tipping, and wargle flogging (ever had your wargle flogged? well I should say) and newspaper in the trees (hey, it was the Depression, nobody could afford toilet paper) and so forth, the neighbors all got together, rounded up all the village kids, blindfolded them and took them out to...

...the Gates Of Hell, and told the little miscreants that any further mischief in the town on Halloween would result in ALL the children being "banished to the Gates Of Hell", or at least to Cleveland, for the rest of their natural lives.

The following Halloween, there were no incidents of vandalism or wanton foolishness, other than the "Bobbing For Alligators" down at the VFW's "Haunted House".

Other types of Halloween...damn (phone rings in background).

"PJTT...hey, Mike, happy Halloween...yeah, thanks, what's up?...they want us to go WHERE?...Zimbabwe? What the hell is in Zimbabwe, except the ebert?...oh, yeah, you're right, that is LOWER Zimbabwe for the ebert...he did what?...ooohh, that's sick...so why are we being sent there?...they really think this guy can be saved?...oh...oh...(large sigh of resignation here)...okay, when do we leave?...THIS AFTERNOON?!? Geez, thanks for the advance warning...okay, get the guys in back to fire up the Kidding, get her fitted out and loaded, and we'll leave as soon as they're ready. Have you reached Art yet?...yeah, okay, lemme' know."

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one that plays golf with Charles Barkley); he informed me that the Bored Of Elders needs myself, the Harley Dog, Mike, and Captain Art Senscrafts, the pilot of my atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or RU Kidding for short, to be off on an emergency missionary trip to Zimbabwe, to spread the message of the soothing balm of Johnism, because if the reports on AOL.com are accurate, there's some folks down there that REALLY need some help. Maybe all they can get.

I'll give you a full report when we return.

(...several days later...)

Wow. Boy, there was a guy who was in SERIOUS need of the soothing balm of Johnism, amongst a few other things, like serious psychiatric help as an example.

Or maybe it was Halloween magic...ooohhoooohhoooohh.

Okay, it seems "a 28-year old Zimbabwe man who was arrested for allegedly having sex with a donkey tied to a tree had a simple explanation for his actions: the donkey was actually a prostitute who had, well, made an ass of herself."

"According to the newspaper New Zimbabwe, Sunday Moyo, the 28-year-old, told the court he paid $20 for a prostitute he met at a nightclub. Somewhere in the time between meeting her and when he was arrested, the prostitute transformed from a woman into a donkey."

"'Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested,'" he told the court. Mr. Moyo went on to say that, "'I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey.'" Love Potion #9, maybe?

According to local police, "Moyo was charged with bestiality and ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation."

And the Bored wanted us to do what to help this guy? HE WAS MAKING IT WITH A DONKEY, YOU NIMRODS, WHAT THE HELL WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO FOR HIM? FIX HIM UP WITH A ZEBRA NEXT? GEEZ.

Okay, so we spread the good word of the soothing balm of Johnism all over the Zimbabweanian countryside, checked out some really excellent Old Lion Ale, had a few laughs and headed home. Maybe there was Halloween magic in this incident, but I sure didn't see it. But we did enjoy our first time in Africa, land of headshrinkers (2nd only to Beverly Hills) and Lower Zimbabweanian eberts, and magic donkeys (?).

Do you guys remember the ebert? It's a small, furry two-headed mammal with an enormous sex-organ from Lower Zimbabwe. (The ebert is from Lower Zimbabwe, not it's sex-organ.)

You know, I just can't think of a way to end this story...a donkey. Yeeooooowah.

If I really knew any Halloween magic, I think I'd make Mr. Moyo disappear.

Love and bubbling cauldrons,

PJTT

Copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

The Ectasy Of Hickory And The Agony Of The Feet

"O wonder!

How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world!

That has such people in it!"

(From a speech by the character 'Miranda' in Shakespeare's The Tempest, Act V, Scene 1.)

I recently received an email from Strudel Boy, you know, the OTHER pope, over there in Rome; he was going on about how excited he was to see the CARDINALS in the World Series this year, and how unfortunate it was that the ANGELS were not represented. (Please keep in mind, SB comes from Europe, and their idea of big-time athletic competition is soccer. Yes, that's right, fans, soccer, the sports world's answer to the question of how best to treat insomnia.)

So I responded, and pointed out to him that, in this instance, CARDINALS refers to the red bird, not the Princes of the Church, as they're known. (Here at the All John All The Time World Church, we don't have "Princes"; all we have is me, your all-time favorite Pope Guy, and the Harley Dog. That's it. That's all we need to be a quick-responding, ready in any spiritual emergency EMT (Emergency Missionary Technician) team.)

I also pointed out to him that the ANGELS he was referring to were from Los Angeles of Anaheim, and were not the denizens of Heaven as he thought them to be, and that based on the way they played during the 2011 season, there was very little likelihood that any of the members of the team would see the inside of Paradise any time soon.

Anyway, SB, the Cardinals will prevail, in seven games, over the heathen Rangers from the great, heathen state of Texas, and all will be right with the Wide World Of Sports again. (Now, if the Bears can figure a way to win the Super Bowl, things would really be headed in the right direction.)

There must be something to this connection between religion and sports, other than how often the word "goddammit" is heard on the playing field; Tim Tebow, after engineering a come-from-behind win for the Denver Broncos in his first start at quarterback this past Sunday, thanked his personal Savior Jesus for the win, and the other night, in the Cards huge blowout victory over the Rangers 16-7 in Game Three of the WS, Albert Pujols hit three (as in 3) homeruns in that game, and made a "thanks much, appreciate the help" gesture to heaven as he crossed home plate each time.

"Lord willing", or "the Good Lord smiled on us today" or "I made a pact with Satan to get this win", wait, that really doesn't fit here, forget that one, or "I'm going to Disney World", boy, lot's of praying and beseeching going on just to score more points (or less, depending on the sport) than the other guy, who presumably is asking God for His help for his team at the same time.

Do you think that God might be a sports fan? I mean, why not? We already know he has a wonderful sense of the absurd (see: platypus, armadillo, Rick Perry, Republicans, the NBA and Rosie O'Donnell), so why couldn't he be an athletic supporter?

Yeah, okay, it sounds like a pretty dumb idea to me, too.

And speaking of great ideas, (we weren't, but it seemed like a good segue, which, when you consider how seldom I use segues, ought to earn your Pope Dude a few props, okay?), please check out the video below (down); I love these things.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfcNoMnKjrY

Again.

This headline just in: the Chicago Cubs, in a last ditch effort to try and attain SOME relevance, hired former Boston Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein as their new GM. I guess they felt that was as close to God as they would be able to get, without making any REALLY long-term commitments. (Theo signed for five years at about 90 bajillion dollars per.)

Okay, so who will give me even money on what happens first; the end of Theo's five-year deal, or a World Series win for the Cubs? (I'm taking the end of the deal.)

So maybe there is something to this connection between the Almighty and major-league sports; the Cubs winning a World Series?

Yeah, that would qualify as a miracle.

Love and batting helmets,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs Inc.

The October 2011 "NOBULLetin"

"Rick Perry is running for what?"

I would apologize for the hiatus that I, your favorite Pope, took recently, but since I suspect that not many of you even noticed I was gone, I'll not bother.

Oh, the plight of the homeless prophet, crying out, alone in the wilderness, his voice to be heard. (Hey, how's that for poetic?)

Once a month, or 213 times annually, the All John All The Time World Church publishes it's monthly newsletter, the NOBULLetin, to let all the followers of your Pope and the Church know about the various happenings and events that are taking place here at the AJATTWC.

So, without further ado, from our headquarters here in the bucolic and totally decrepit San Fernando Valley in the great city of LA (pronounced LAH) in the equally great state of Confusion, err, excuse me, California, here is your NOBULLetin for October, 1568.

*"Johner Of The Month" For October*

            The coveted reward, given by the Bored Of Elders of the AJATTWC every month to one of the Pope's most fervent and loyal adherents to the "soothing balm of Johnism", is this month awarded to:

Mr. Gene Mynahan of

Cochituate MA

            Congratulations, Gene! And as a further token of the Bored's esteem, Gene will be given a boiler-plate, generic plague, commemorating this hysterical, err, sorry, historical event. With that plague and 10 bucks, Gene can go to any Mickey D's in the country and get a 1/4-Pounder W/Cheese Combo, a chocolate shake and about 15 bajillion grams of fat. Enjoy, big guy!

*Men's Club Book Burning*

            The AJATTWC Men's Club President Brother Gideon Bible announced recently that the Men's Club will be sponsoring an outing to the local branch of the City Of LA Library, to burn a number of books, in a symbolic gesture of some sort, that the Men's Club officers find objectionable. Included on their list of books that "have to go" are the following:

            "Huck Finn" by Mark Twain

            "The Catcher In The Rye" by J.D. Salinger

            "Fahrenheit 451" by Ray Bradbury (who's topic is the suppression of knowledge by the burning of books)

            "Where The Wild Things Are" by Maurice Sendak

Wait a minute, this is so wrong; hang on while I make a call, would you?

ring...ring...rin

"Monsignor Mike."

"Mike, it's PJ, how you doin'?"

"Hey, boss, I'm fine today, what's up?"

"Did you approve this Men's Club outing, this book-burning thing?"

"'Book-burning thing'"? No, I don't know anything about it. What are you talking about?"

"I'm writing the BULLetin for October and one of the announcements that Gideon wanted me to make was for a Men's Club outing to the local branch of the LA Public Library to burn a bunch of books. What the hell is that all about?"

"Beats me," said my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one who played at North Carolina), "it's the first I've heard about it."

"Okay, well, this isn't going in the BULLetin, believe me, because it isn't going to happen. You get a hold of Brother Bible and tell him that this "outing" is cancelled, per me. Got it?"

"Yes, sir, I'll see to it immediately." He hung up, and that was that. (Sometimes, it's good to be the Pope.)

Geez. Book-burning?!? When did the AJATTWC become a local chapter of the Tea Bag Party? Yikes, that's scary, like that nut-case minister down there in FL who wanted to burn the Koran on the anniversary of 9/11.

Sorry folks, not in my church.

Oh, by the way; "Mongolian Death Worms".

That was a title of a movie that was shown recently on the SyFy Channel; I didn't watch it, but I thought the name was historical, err, shit, hysterical. If I ever have the opportunity to make a movie, I think my title will be "Cockroaches Of Death From Beyond The Galaxy", starring Jennifer Aniston as "Jen", the heroine and love interest (who's nipples show through her shirt all throughout the movie) of "Ashton", played by Ashton Kutcher, who's real name is Mr. Demi Moore, at least for the moment, and as "Carl T. Cockroach", Charlie Sheen, who is, the "Cockroach Of Death From Beyond The Galaxy". Coming soon to a theatre near you.

All right, let's get back to the announcements.

*Woman's Club Bake Sale*

            There is currently no Woman's Club Bake Sale scheduled, according to Club President Virginia Ham; however, in the history of the AJATTWC and the NOBULLetin, there has never been an edition that did not contain a reference to a Woman's Club Bake Sale, and I didn't want to set an unfortunate precedent.

*Fund-Raising Drive....forget it, that book-burning thing has me too upset to finish the BULLetin. I can't believe that anyone in this supposedly "enlightened" age can still think that you can control people's thoughts by suppressing ideas and knowledge. Did we digress back to Germany in the '30s when I wasn't looking? Are you kidding? (That's the name of my atomic powered rocket ship: the R U Kidding. Sorry.) And "banning", the less intrusive, but equally offensive removal of books from approved reading lists for schools: there's quasi-government agencies, such as school boards, who determine what your child can, or cannot, read. Don't believe me? This is a mild example:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/jul/29/slaughterhouse-five-banned-us-school

Pay attention, folks; there's people out there who want to control what you and your children read, and if that doesn't scare the shit outta' you, it sure does me.

Well, anyway, this wasn't one of my better BULLetins, but I'll do better next month, I promise.

(Next month, somebody will probably want the Teen Club to take a field trip to a condom factory. Which, now that I think about it, might not be such a bad idea.)

Prayer Requests*

            -Sister Georgia Peach asks that everyone remember her father, Eat A. (and thank you, Duane and Greg and the boys), who is having a stone removed next week;

            -Brother Art Gallery would like you to pray for his sister, Peanut, who is having surgery on her "tookus" next Thursday;

            -Sister Amber Wavesofgrain asks that everyone remember her pet platypus, Rosie, who passed away last week at the age of 14; Rosie will be missed by all.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

Okay, here's the list of sponsors; do the Bored a favor and check these merchants out. They help fund the exorbitant salary, err, pittance that the Bored pays me twice a month.

-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law

"We're in it for the dough."

            www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com

-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor

"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"

227 North Bondage Ave.

-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"

            Visit us at www.labeautiful.com

            All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:

            -breast augmentation

            -breast lifts

            -male breast ("moobs") reduction

            -hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")

            -facelift

            -tummy tuck

            -and many others

            Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin

            Free Limo Service with qualified procedures

(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)

Hey, does anyone out there have an extra copy of "Slaughterhouse 5"? I'm trying to get my grill going so I can burn some burgers for the Harley Dog and myself, and I need some kindling.

Love and Samuel Clemens,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

19,200,000,000,000 Parsnips From Earth, Part Three: The Panamian Aviary

...and predicated on the manner in which we contacted several planetary leaders recently about meeting with various contestants from this year's Miss Universe Beauty Pageant that the All John All The Time World Church was "sponsoring", we had no idea WHO to contact about the above. (See my posts from 9/23 and 9/25 for the rest of the story; oh, FYI, that's Ms. Panama, in her "ethnic" costume.)

I was thinking of a traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year, with an enormous turkey, stuffed to the max with...well, never mind that now.

Love and plumage,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

19,200,000,000,000 Parsnips From Earth, Part Two: The Martian Rejection

And as a follow-up to my post from 9/23, where I explained the recent trip that myself, Harley, Mike my consigliore and some of our staff from the All John All The Time World Church made to the planet Remulak, I wanted you all to know that we had also considered sending a message to the Old Ones of the Planet Mars as well (and thank you, Mr. Heinlein, so very, very much), asking them if they would allow us to make a missionary trip to their ancient and venerable world, similar to our visit to the home of Beldar and Prymatt Conehead on Remulak, and sent them the above photo.

We told the OO's that the young lady in the picture, the representative from Tanzania in this year's Miss Universe Pageant, shown in her "ethnic" costume, would be accompanying us and that she might be someone they would be interested in meeting, since as we all know, Mars is named after the Roman God of War, and Ms. Tanzania sure looks like a warrior to me, so to speak.

I'm thinking Ms. T either looks very ready to do battle with the forces of evil, or she's having an identity crisis that involves a rhinoceros.

But she's still way hot, even in that silly-looking get-up; nice job, you go, gurl.

We have yet to receive a response from the Martian authorities.

(ring...ring...ri)

"PJTT...hi, Mike, how was the golf game Saturday?...you shot an 83, wow, nice job...so what's up?...they did?...why?...are you kidding?...yeah, I know that's the name of my ship, that's not funny...well, screw'em then...THEY WHAT?!?...no, absolutely no way...no...no, under no circumstances is that going to happen, no...I don't care WHAT you tell the Bored Of Elders, no way...a LIFETIME subscription to "DDD Beauties"? no, still no way...no, but how's this, tell the BOE to throw in six cases of Thin Mints AND the subscription and they've got a deal...okay, lemme' know...yeah, okay...call me later."

That was my consigliore, the Left, err, Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan, (no, not same one who used to live in Chicago); it seems the Martian Old Ones turned down our request, something to do with an unsavory reputation, and for the life of me I couldn't understand how Harley could have an "unsavory" reputation on Mars.

Then Mike explained further.

Seems like the OO's are okay with Ms. On The Horns Of A Dilemma, and they particularly wanted the HD to be there, and they were okay with all the support staff and what have you...

...but they preferred, according to their response, that we send Ms. T and the Harley Dog...

...only.

Shit.

I am deeply insulted, but I will step aside and allow my colleagues to make this important missionary trip to spread the message of the soothing balm of Johnism without me, for the good of the AJATTWC.

I am bloodied but unbowed.

Now if I can just figure a way to keep Harley out of my TM's; if he had opposable thumbs, they'd never be safe. I'll figure that one out later.

In the meantime, I wonder when my first issue will show up?

Love and battleaxes,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

19,200,000,000,000 Parsnips From Earth

"...so I sent an email to Beldar Conehead yesterday to see how they felt about a "promotional tour" of you, HD and the girls, and he seemed open to the idea. He wants to meet with the Council people first, but he was saying all the right things."

"How soon?" I asked.

"Probably 30-45 days to get through the detail BS, getting Remulakian passports for all of us, the usual preflight shit, some permits, shouldn't be a big deal."

"Okay, Mike, keep me posted," I said, and hung up.

The Bored Of Elders of the All John All The Time World Church has for many years desired to establish a "missionary outpost" on the planet Remulak, and have been trying to find an "entrance" into the Remulakian society, so to able to bring the message of the soothing balm of Johnism to that heathen planet.

(Remulak, you may recall, is the home planet of Beldar and Prymatt Conehead, who, along with their teenage daughter, Connie, emigrated to Planet Earth back in the 70's, and gained quite a bit of unwanted notoriety after being "outed" by the cast and writers of the late night comedy series "Saturday Night Live". Beldar and Prymatt, who were not from France as they so often stated, eventually returned to Remulak and became active in Remulakian politics, and over the ensuing years Beldar rose to great prominence among the leaders of the planetary councils. Connie, the daughter, stayed here on Earth, went to school for awhile, hung around with an "artsy" crowd in NYC and eventually faded into obscurity; she was last seen in Elko County NV with a traveling carnival, working as a one-person "ring-toss" game.)

The idea to launch a "missionary trip" to Remulak was actually the Harley Dog's; he had been watching the Miss Universe competition last weekend, saw Ms. Kazakhstan (on the left in the picture above; see up) and Ms. Russia in their "ethnic" outfits, made the connection and he we are, getting the Kidding ready to take me, your favorite Pope of the AJATTWC, the Harley Dog, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan, (no, not the one who played at North Carolina), my consigliore, Captain Art Senscrafts, our ship's commander, various staff members and, of course, the "ladies".

Harley talked the girls into making this trip; I have no idea what he told them, or how many of those European money things he offered them, but they agreed to make the trip, and seemed genuinely excited about the prospects of a) meeting and hanging out with HD and myself, b) earning their fees and c) gee, I don't know, maybe the chance to travel to another planetary world got their panties all damp too, ya' think?

Oh, so you know: Harley is my sidekick, roommate and BFF, as well as the backup navigator when we're on board my atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or RU Kidding for short; that's his smiling face staring back at you over there to the right (for those of you who are Tea Bag Republicans, that's your OTHER right). We've been buddies a long time now.

The Kidding is equipped with HyperAromaDrive, which enables her to reach, and occasionally exceed, the Speed Of Aroma, which is another sensory gradient used to measure velocity, such as the Speed Of Light and the Speed Of Sound. ("Speed Of Light" would be a cool name for a rock band, don't you think?) Since Remulak is 896.35 parsnips away, the trip should take a little over a week, so, damn...

(phone ringing in background)

"PJTT...hey, Mike...I'm sorry?...okay, I wrote "parsnips" but it's "parsecs"?...are you sure?...yeah, okay, if you say so...I never heard of "parsecs", what the hell is a "parsec"?...oh...so what's a "parsnip?...oh...(large sigh of resignation here)...okay, I'll change it...yeah, thanks...okay...yeah, and hey, let's get the team out to Hooters for a pre-season meeting...yeah, soon...okay."

That was Mike again: did you know that a "parsec" is a measurement of astronomical distances, and equals 3.26 light years, which is 19,200,000,000,000 miles, which is a shitload, anyway you look at it?

A parsnip is a vegetable, and not a real pretty one like asparagus or eggplant, either.

(Another large sigh of resignation here.)

So as soon as Mike and the crack AJATTWC staff can make all the arrangements, we're off to Remulak, with Ms. Kazakhstan and Ms. Russia from the Miss Universe Pageant and their wonderful ethnic costumes, on board. Along with the Harley Dog and your Pope Guy.

Should be an interesting trip.

(...several weeks later...)

"...there's no way he could have known beforehand; he's not THAT smart, geez."

"Maybe not, but you have to admit, accidental or not, it was a stroke of marketing genius."

"Yeah, Mike, and the "marketing genius" is currently out in the kitchen, trying to figure out how to climb up to the cabinet where I keep the Thin Mints, and getting pissed at me because I won't give him one. Oh yeah, some genius..."

(...barking is heard in the background...)

"...I don't care if you're the hero of the Church right now, no more Thin Mints before dinner and that's it. Get outta' the kitchen," I yelled at my dog while my consigliore waited on the other end of the line.

We had just returned from a triumphant, and that's the only word to use, visit to the planet Remulak, where we were greeted like conquering heroes, everywhere we went; I mean, the message of the soothing balm of Johnism never went over so big, anywhere else in the Galaxy.

We were Media Stars (caps intentional) on Remulak.

Why?

Well, it seems that the Remulakianians only have one planetary religion, which is the worship of the mythical Goddesses Of Love, Nubile and Elibun, and that the Goddesses rule over all facets of life on the planet, including when to plant crops, when to marry, when to have children, when to play a round of gerbil golf (although on Remulak they use flartens instead of gerbils) and all matters personal and, for that matter, all matters of planet governance as well.

Nubile and Elibun are big deals on Remulak; REAL big.

And it just so happened that Ms. Kazakhstan and Ms. Russia, in their ethnic costumes, were dead ringers for the two Goddesses. Absolute spot on identical twins.

And the Remulakianians weren't upset that we were somehow mocking their idols, oh no, they thought the girls were the real thing, and that somehow we, as members and representatives of the AJATTWC, had managed to bring their beloved Goddesses to life, and to them; they were thrilled beyond plastic.

It was really weird.

I'm not going to get into all the events and conventions and cocktail parties and meetings and what not that we attended while we were on Remulak; suffice to say that Remulakian vodka, which is made from parsnips grown on the planet Lors41Deep rather than potatoes, is amazing.

Their hospitality was amazing as well; we had a great time and made lots of new friends, and lots of converts for the Bored Of Elders (they get paid by the convert; it's in their individual contracts with the Church).

The only thing that bothered me was how vague the Remulakianians became when they tried to explain how they were going to "merge" Johnism with their worship of the Goddesses; something tells me that, if the "Remmys" are anything like us humans, the only "belief" that will still be standing 50 years from now will be the Goddesses.

And Ms. Kazakhstan and Ms. Russia, what became of them, you ask?

They stayed on Remulak, after they were both offered permanent, full-time positions as "Goddesses", with all their expenses paid, a great retirement plan, a 401gd (it's like a "401k", but only for goddesses), stock options and all the Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies they can eat.

Harley was involved in the negotiations between the Remulakianians and the ladies; I have a feeling he had something to do with the "cookie" provision in their work contract.

Now he's going to start working on me as well; no go, fetid breath, no more TM's for you, you're maxed out, dude.

(...and in the background, Harley is heard to enter the room, and a great deal of ear-scratching, tummy-rubbing, tail-wagging, wrestling and other dog/person interaction ensues...)

"Okay, one, and that's it, you big thief." The tail of the mascot of the AJATTWC thumps the floor in anticipation.

I have to call my consigliore later; I want to start working on an AJATTWC-sponsored beauty pageant, with HD and I as the only judges.

***The Miss Johner Pageant"***

Coming soon to a planet near you.

Love and tiaras,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

Rhymes With Sanity

It amazes me how often my ex-wife gets her picture somewhere on the 'Net.

Okay, that's not really a photo of my ex-, that's an enlargement (gee, no shit, Mr. Obvious Man) of the compound eyes of a dragonfly, with beads of water on them, magnified about a 100 gazillion times, give or take a few gazillion.

(If I ever rolled over to something that looked like that, I'd SERIOUSLY consider never drinking again. Or starting. Apparently however, since to the best of my knowledge, dragonflies are not on any Endangered Species list anywhere, other 'flies must find this look alluring, or at least acceptable. Hey, look at Lady GaGa and tell me dragonflies have no taste.)

But that isn't the subject of today's essay from your favorite Pope Dude and all around decent person, to say nothing of devastatingly handsome, John The Tall of the All John All The Time World Church. (Boy, don't think that's not a helluva a mouthful, something I have never been accused of having.)

No, today we're going to be discussing a letter-writing campaign that I'm going to initiate, and I'll be asking all of you to help me with your participation.

First off, take a look at the license plate above (see above) and tell me what you think is wrong with this picture. (My Mom once showed my Dad a school photo of me and asked him the same question.)

Now for those of you with smutty minds, much like my own, what you're probably seeing there is a "contraction" for the phrase "I Love To F U", which for us smutty-minded individuals is another way of saying "I'm An Asparagus". Or maybe your mind is even smuttier than that and you see "I Love To Do The Horizontal Bop" only with a MUCH earthier word for "Horizontal Bop", if you get my drift.

Now, if you're NOT the proud possessor of a really dirty mind, and how sad for you, like Whitney Calk, a PETA employee who lives in the great state of Tennessee, what you see here is a statement of gastronomical preference: "I Love Tofu". And that's the message she was trying to get across to other drivers when she applied to the Tennessee Department of Revenue, Taxpayer and Vehicle Services Division for a vanity plate with this lettering.

The TDORTAVSD said no; they apparently have the same dirty, repulsive mind that I have. Nope, they said, someone may "misread" the plate and attach the "wrong" meaning to the message.

(Quick poll: by show of hands, how many of you out there like to F U? (One, three, ten, seventy-eight, a hundred, hey, you with both hands and a leg in the air, one vote only per person, forty-nine thousand, twenty-three million, sixty bajillion, EVERYBODY, okay, that's fine, you can lower your hands now.)

This reminds me of the Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction" from the Super Bowl half-time show a few years ago; a quick glimpse of a woman's nipple, and the entire country goes in the shitter. How ridiculous; anybody can go online these days and find nudity, perversion, porn of all types and you-name-it. Hell, you can see worse in the advertising on your favorite TV shows; think Victoria's Secret, as an example.

Same thing; and that's a little like what Mark Twain said about the weather: "Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it."

In this country, everybody thinks about sex, but no one wants to admit it.

So here's the letter-writing campaign I said I wanted to initiate; I want all of you red-blooded, F U loving Americans out there to write, email, send telegrams to or in some manner contact the TDORTAVSD and let them know that we think Whitney Calk, even though she is one of those repulsive PETA nutcases, and a lover of tofu as well, should have her ILVTOFU license plate. (One good thing: Whitney, as a member of PETA, is probably not a Tea Bag Republican. Hey, you get your silver linings where you can.)

Let's give the old TDORTAVSD a small piece of our collective minds (some of you be REAL careful with how much you give out, since you're probably not starting with a lot in the first place) and help Whitney get her vanity plate. She probably doesn't deserve it, but I'm feeling magnanimous today. (I had a similar problem a few years ago with the CA DMV; I was working for a sausage-maker at the time and wanted "ILVWEENIES" on my vanity plate. The DMV said no go; assholes.)

And speaking of getting to school in record time (we were?), take a look at the link below (see above): that's a jet-powered, flames-shooting out the back, 320 MPH...school bus. (Click on the headline and go down to the paragraph about the video and click the "click here" phrase to see the video.)

http://editorial.autos.msn.com/blogs/autosblogpost.aspx?post=188a570b-03e6-4f4f-9fe5-a463ab062d20

When I was a kid in grade school, back right after the Civil War, I attended a small, rather poor Roman Catholic school named St. Jude's. (FYI, St. Jude is the patron saint of hopeless causes; hello, Chicago Cubs, this is PJTT, I have a patron saint for you goofs.) Since a number of the other kids who also attended St. J's were "outlying" (in the parish but too far to walk to school) we had to have a school bus. Problem was, the church could swing the money for the bus, but there were no funds for a driver. Since those big sons-of-bitches aren't equipped with an auto-pilot, a driver on a school bus is a very important accessory.

So my mother volunteered to drive the school bus. Every day, out and back. My petite, cold-blooded, "I Hate Kids" Mother, says, sure, I'll drive a 66-passenger, bright yellow school bus, twice a day, for free, to ferry all the wonderful children back and forth to their lessons. No problema.

I rode my Mother's school bus; I was an "outlyer". (My mother used to tell people I was also the only kid on the bus she could smack.)

Now as many of my loyal followers out there may already know, I have a "difficult" relationship with my mother. (We haven't spoken in going on four years.) So I'm checking out the vid of the jet bus, and all the time I'm having my own "mental video" of me when I'm about 12, and I somehow manage to get the jet bus to the garage where the church kept "our" bus, break in, switch the vehicles, and of course, never tell my mother...

...and then I'm there, WAY back away, when she fires that big mother up.

Yeehaw, Franny, ride that bronco, you go, cowgirl.

Mom applied to the State of Illinois DMV back in the 60's for a vanity plate; yep, she wanted to celebrate her degree from her alma mater, Illinois Harvard Teachers University.

IHATEU.

She still has the plate, just not on her car.

Love and flashing red lights,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

Thank You America

It is at times like these that I am reminded, as I hope all my fellow Americans are, that despite our differences and arguments and disagreements, this is still, by far, the greatest country on the face of the Earth, and when they choose to be, Americans are the most decent, most thoughtful, most compassionate, most caring and most concerned people in the world.

Hands down, no competition.

It's times like these when I'm most proud of being an American; to see our people come together to mourn, again, the events of September 11, 2001, is inspiring.

Thank you, America; even though I oftentimes think this country is on it's way to hell in a handbasket, all I have to do is watch the outpourings of support and caring these past few weeks and I remember why it'll never happen.

Watch over the souls we lost that day, Lord, and help us all not to hate. In your Son's name. Amen.

PJTT

The Monthlies (Announcements, That Is)

Jesus told Peter and Andrew that they should come and follow him, that He would make them "fishers of men", (Matthew 4:18-19), and this has applied to Popes down through the centuries.

I just hope this wasn't what He meant.

This may be a long one, guys, I haven't posted anything in awhile, so buckle up and let's have at it.

Most organizations of any size these days have some kind of internal "organ", if you will, a company or organizational "newsletter" to keep all interested parties informed of the group's activities, achievements, etc.

And so it is with the All John All The Time World Church; we have our monthly newsletter, The NOBULLetin, and since August is a month of vacations and family outings and church outings and colonoscopys and what not, we didn't publish a NOBULLetin last month, so we have lots of news and announcements to get to, and lots of items to cover this month, so without further ado, let's don't, here is the AJATTWC's NOBULLetin for September, 1872:

*"Johner Of The Month" For August*

            The AJATTWC is happy to announce that it's coveted "Johner Of The Month" award for August 2011 went to...Kristina Medows of Joliet IL. Congratulations, Kristina.

            Ms. Medows earned this month's award for her unfailing support of both the Church and your Popemeister, me. (The fact that she is my daughter was of no significance in her selection for this sought-after prize.)

            Kristina will be presented with a plague commemorating this momentous event, and with that plague and $5, she can get a Mocha Frappachino Latte Bowling Ball Cinnamon Arugula Vente from Starbuck's. And a beef jerky.

*"Johner Of The Month" For September*

            Boy, they're popping up outta' the ground like Republican Presidential nominee hopefuls; here's another one.

            The AJATTWC is also pleased to announce that women now have the vote! No, wait, that's old news, hang on, where did I put the damn thing..., yeah, here we go, the "Johner Of The Month", the coveted and highly-sought after award given every month by the AJATTWC to some unsuspecting, err, deserving person who has, with their actions and lifestyle, given support to your Pope Dude, for the month of September 2011 goes to...(a flourish of tubas, ahh, trumpets here)...Ms. Lisa Worth of Chicago IL. Way to go, Lisa.

            Ms. Worth's unflagging support of and devotion to your Pope has earned her this most impressive of awards, and she will be presented with a commemorative plague, much like the one we gave what's her name last month, and with that award and about 6 bucks, she can go to McDonalds and get a Happy Meal, complete with McHamsterheads, rutabaga sticks and a small pomegranate juice.

            Keep up the good work, Lisa, and keep those donations coming as well.

*Men's/Women's Clubs Combined Outing To Medieval Tournament*

            Men's Club President Brother Les Philling recently announced that the combined Men's and Women's Clubs outing to the local Medieval Tournament was a great success and that a wonderful time was had by all (please see the pictures that were posted on the Church's website). We did post one photo to the 'BULLetin (see above).

            That's Brother Allen Wrench, who seems to be guilty of a) taking this whole tournament/jousting shit a little too seriously and b) having been over-served by some inconsiderate waitperson.

            Brother Allen has been suspended from the Men's Club indefinitely.

*AJATTWC Announces Huge Raffle Of New Car*

            

            The above is a picture of the DeltaWing, a new race car design that is so revolutionary that they make all the fans in the stands close their eyes when they wheel the Delta onto a race course; too much of a good thing all at once.

            So we're gonna' raffle off one of these beauties, assuming we can get our hands on one, and raise a lot of money for me, I'm sorry, I mean for the AJATTWC, so we can continue our various missionary projects and outreach efforts.

            Chances are $1000 each, or 3 for $4000, with the "most" of the proceeds going to the Church-sponsored charity, the Home For The Chronically Bewildered.

            We would ask that you please be generous (Harley needs to be groomed and to get a new collar, something with semi-precious stones this time). http://editorial.autos.msn.com/blogs/autosblogpost.aspx?post=468eb86e-f9f4-4e6c-8051-6f14bbb286f4

*Women's Club Bake Sale*

            Once again, there will be NO Women's Club Bake Sale this month; however, since there has never been a NOBULLetin yet that didn't make some reference to a Women's Club Bake Sale, we felt that this item should be included in this month's edition.

            Again.

*Science Series Lecture By Dr. O'Lading*

            The Church-sponsored Center For The Consideration Of Weighty Matters' director, our own Dr. Bill O'Lading, has announced that he will give another in his ongoing series of lectures on all kinds of interesting "science stuff" next Whitsuntide evening at Star Date 4963.21, in the Church Meeting Hall.

            The topic of Dr. O'Lading's lecture will be: "Geocentrism: Have You Lost Your Mind, Or Are You Just Kidding?" Dr. O'Lading's remarks will address and answer some of the controversy recently caused by the Society Of St. Pius X, a Roman Catholic organization that, amongst other goofball ideas, rejects much of the findings and teachings of the Second Vatican Council in the early '60s. In particular they feel that Galileo Galilei, the famed 16th-century astronomer, got it all wrong when he postulated that the Earth revolved around the Sun, contrary to what the Roman Catholics had taught at that time for years (they taught the Earth was orbited by the Sun and Planets, making it, and them, the center of the Universe). So back in 1615 Pope Urban VIII had Galileo tried by Inquisition, found him guilty of heresy and banished him to New Jersey, where he fell in with a bad crowd and was never heard from again.

            Dr. O'Lading will discuss the Earth's orbital path and tangents as it moves around the Sun, the role of the other planets in a "heliocentric" orbital scheme, as well as non-orbital planetary bodies and "quarks"; Dr. O'Lading will also be available for a question and answer period immediately following his talk; we would ask that, in respect for ourselves, that no questions such as, "Are the "SOSPX" people as crazy as shit-house rats, or what?" be asked, so as to maintain the dignity of the proceedings.

 

*Pizza And Bowling Night For The AJATTWC Teen Club*

            Teen club President Kelly Green reports that the recent Teen Club outing to Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor was a resounding success, and that a fun time was had by all, and especially by Brother Art Gallery, whose picture at the event appears above.

            Great job, Brother Art; you don't look like too much of an asshole or anything.

*Prayer Requests*

            -Sister Maureen Corps asks that you remember her cousin, Nathan Mark Hardy, who was recently arrested leaving a grocery store with a pork loin, two bags of jumbo shrimp and...wait for it...two live lobsters, all stuffed down into his cargo shorts.

            Charges are pending.

            http://www.aol.com/2011/09/07/nathan-mark-hardy_n_952017.html?ir=Weird%20News

            -Brother Phil Harmonic asks that you remember his pet Gila monster, Susan, who is having a renal procedure next week.

            -Sister Sandy Beach asks that we all remember today is the 56th anniversary of the premiere of the TV series "Gunsmoke" on CBS in 1955.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

            The Bored Of Elders of the Church asks that you patronize the local merchants who so willingly support our activities, even the goofy ones. (Our goofy activities, not our goofy sponsors.)

-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law

"We're in it for the dough."

            www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com

-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor

"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"

227 North Bondage Ave.

-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"

            Visit us at www.labeautiful.com

            All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:

            -breast augmentation

            -breast lifts

            -male breast ("moobs") reduction

            -hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")

            -facelift

            -tummy tuck

            -and many others

            Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin

            Free Limo Service with qualified procedures

(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)

Well, that wasn't TOO bad, was it?

Love and hymnals,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.