"...so I sent an email to Beldar Conehead yesterday to see how they felt about a "promotional tour" of you, HD and the girls, and he seemed open to the idea. He wants to meet with the Council people first, but he was saying all the right things."
"How soon?" I asked.
"Probably 30-45 days to get through the detail BS, getting Remulakian passports for all of us, the usual preflight shit, some permits, shouldn't be a big deal."
"Okay, Mike, keep me posted," I said, and hung up.
The Bored Of Elders of the All John All The Time World Church has for many years desired to establish a "missionary outpost" on the planet Remulak, and have been trying to find an "entrance" into the Remulakian society, so to able to bring the message of the soothing balm of Johnism to that heathen planet.
(Remulak, you may recall, is the home planet of Beldar and Prymatt Conehead, who, along with their teenage daughter, Connie, emigrated to Planet Earth back in the 70's, and gained quite a bit of unwanted notoriety after being "outed" by the cast and writers of the late night comedy series "Saturday Night Live". Beldar and Prymatt, who were not from France as they so often stated, eventually returned to Remulak and became active in Remulakian politics, and over the ensuing years Beldar rose to great prominence among the leaders of the planetary councils. Connie, the daughter, stayed here on Earth, went to school for awhile, hung around with an "artsy" crowd in NYC and eventually faded into obscurity; she was last seen in Elko County NV with a traveling carnival, working as a one-person "ring-toss" game.)
The idea to launch a "missionary trip" to Remulak was actually the Harley Dog's; he had been watching the Miss Universe competition last weekend, saw Ms. Kazakhstan (on the left in the picture above; see up) and Ms. Russia in their "ethnic" outfits, made the connection and he we are, getting the Kidding ready to take me, your favorite Pope of the AJATTWC, the Harley Dog, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan, (no, not the one who played at North Carolina), my consigliore, Captain Art Senscrafts, our ship's commander, various staff members and, of course, the "ladies".
Harley talked the girls into making this trip; I have no idea what he told them, or how many of those European money things he offered them, but they agreed to make the trip, and seemed genuinely excited about the prospects of a) meeting and hanging out with HD and myself, b) earning their fees and c) gee, I don't know, maybe the chance to travel to another planetary world got their panties all damp too, ya' think?
Oh, so you know: Harley is my sidekick, roommate and BFF, as well as the backup navigator when we're on board my atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or RU Kidding for short; that's his smiling face staring back at you over there to the right (for those of you who are Tea Bag Republicans, that's your OTHER right). We've been buddies a long time now.
The Kidding is equipped with HyperAromaDrive, which enables her to reach, and occasionally exceed, the Speed Of Aroma, which is another sensory gradient used to measure velocity, such as the Speed Of Light and the Speed Of Sound. ("Speed Of Light" would be a cool name for a rock band, don't you think?) Since Remulak is 896.35 parsnips away, the trip should take a little over a week, so, damn...
(phone ringing in background)
"PJTT...hey, Mike...I'm sorry?...okay, I wrote "parsnips" but it's "parsecs"?...are you sure?...yeah, okay, if you say so...I never heard of "parsecs", what the hell is a "parsec"?...oh...so what's a "parsnip?...oh...(large sigh of resignation here)...okay, I'll change it...yeah, thanks...okay...yeah, and hey, let's get the team out to Hooters for a pre-season meeting...yeah, soon...okay."
That was Mike again: did you know that a "parsec" is a measurement of astronomical distances, and equals 3.26 light years, which is 19,200,000,000,000 miles, which is a shitload, anyway you look at it?
A parsnip is a vegetable, and not a real pretty one like asparagus or eggplant, either.
(Another large sigh of resignation here.)
So as soon as Mike and the crack AJATTWC staff can make all the arrangements, we're off to Remulak, with Ms. Kazakhstan and Ms. Russia from the Miss Universe Pageant and their wonderful ethnic costumes, on board. Along with the Harley Dog and your Pope Guy.
Should be an interesting trip.
(...several weeks later...)
"...there's no way he could have known beforehand; he's not THAT smart, geez."
"Maybe not, but you have to admit, accidental or not, it was a stroke of marketing genius."
"Yeah, Mike, and the "marketing genius" is currently out in the kitchen, trying to figure out how to climb up to the cabinet where I keep the Thin Mints, and getting pissed at me because I won't give him one. Oh yeah, some genius..."
(...barking is heard in the background...)
"...I don't care if you're the hero of the Church right now, no more Thin Mints before dinner and that's it. Get outta' the kitchen," I yelled at my dog while my consigliore waited on the other end of the line.
We had just returned from a triumphant, and that's the only word to use, visit to the planet Remulak, where we were greeted like conquering heroes, everywhere we went; I mean, the message of the soothing balm of Johnism never went over so big, anywhere else in the Galaxy.
We were Media Stars (caps intentional) on Remulak.
Why?
Well, it seems that the Remulakianians only have one planetary religion, which is the worship of the mythical Goddesses Of Love, Nubile and Elibun, and that the Goddesses rule over all facets of life on the planet, including when to plant crops, when to marry, when to have children, when to play a round of gerbil golf (although on Remulak they use flartens instead of gerbils) and all matters personal and, for that matter, all matters of planet governance as well.
Nubile and Elibun are big deals on Remulak; REAL big.
And it just so happened that Ms. Kazakhstan and Ms. Russia, in their ethnic costumes, were dead ringers for the two Goddesses. Absolute spot on identical twins.
And the Remulakianians weren't upset that we were somehow mocking their idols, oh no, they thought the girls were the real thing, and that somehow we, as members and representatives of the AJATTWC, had managed to bring their beloved Goddesses to life, and to them; they were thrilled beyond plastic.
It was really weird.
I'm not going to get into all the events and conventions and cocktail parties and meetings and what not that we attended while we were on Remulak; suffice to say that Remulakian vodka, which is made from parsnips grown on the planet Lors41Deep rather than potatoes, is amazing.
Their hospitality was amazing as well; we had a great time and made lots of new friends, and lots of converts for the Bored Of Elders (they get paid by the convert; it's in their individual contracts with the Church).
The only thing that bothered me was how vague the Remulakianians became when they tried to explain how they were going to "merge" Johnism with their worship of the Goddesses; something tells me that, if the "Remmys" are anything like us humans, the only "belief" that will still be standing 50 years from now will be the Goddesses.
And Ms. Kazakhstan and Ms. Russia, what became of them, you ask?
They stayed on Remulak, after they were both offered permanent, full-time positions as "Goddesses", with all their expenses paid, a great retirement plan, a 401gd (it's like a "401k", but only for goddesses), stock options and all the Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies they can eat.
Harley was involved in the negotiations between the Remulakianians and the ladies; I have a feeling he had something to do with the "cookie" provision in their work contract.
Now he's going to start working on me as well; no go, fetid breath, no more TM's for you, you're maxed out, dude.
(...and in the background, Harley is heard to enter the room, and a great deal of ear-scratching, tummy-rubbing, tail-wagging, wrestling and other dog/person interaction ensues...)
"Okay, one, and that's it, you big thief." The tail of the mascot of the AJATTWC thumps the floor in anticipation.
I have to call my consigliore later; I want to start working on an AJATTWC-sponsored beauty pageant, with HD and I as the only judges.
***The Miss Johner Pageant"***
Coming soon to a planet near you.
Love and tiaras,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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