I just hope this wasn't what He meant.
This may be a long one, guys, I haven't posted anything in awhile, so buckle up and let's have at it.
Most organizations of any size these days have some kind of internal "organ", if you will, a company or organizational "newsletter" to keep all interested parties informed of the group's activities, achievements, etc.
And so it is with the All John All The Time World Church; we have our monthly newsletter, The NOBULLetin, and since August is a month of vacations and family outings and church outings and colonoscopys and what not, we didn't publish a NOBULLetin last month, so we have lots of news and announcements to get to, and lots of items to cover this month, so without further ado, let's don't, here is the AJATTWC's NOBULLetin for September, 1872:
*"Johner Of The Month" For August*
The AJATTWC is happy to announce that it's coveted "Johner Of The Month" award for August 2011 went to...Kristina Medows of Joliet IL. Congratulations, Kristina.
Ms. Medows earned this month's award for her unfailing support of both the Church and your Popemeister, me. (The fact that she is my daughter was of no significance in her selection for this sought-after prize.)
Kristina will be presented with a plague commemorating this momentous event, and with that plague and $5, she can get a Mocha Frappachino Latte Bowling Ball Cinnamon Arugula Vente from Starbuck's. And a beef jerky.
*"Johner Of The Month" For September*
Boy, they're popping up outta' the ground like Republican Presidential nominee hopefuls; here's another one.
The AJATTWC is also pleased to announce that women now have the vote! No, wait, that's old news, hang on, where did I put the damn thing..., yeah, here we go, the "Johner Of The Month", the coveted and highly-sought after award given every month by the AJATTWC to some unsuspecting, err, deserving person who has, with their actions and lifestyle, given support to your Pope Dude, for the month of September 2011 goes to...(a flourish of tubas, ahh, trumpets here)...Ms. Lisa Worth of Chicago IL. Way to go, Lisa.
Ms. Worth's unflagging support of and devotion to your Pope has earned her this most impressive of awards, and she will be presented with a commemorative plague, much like the one we gave what's her name last month, and with that award and about 6 bucks, she can go to McDonalds and get a Happy Meal, complete with McHamsterheads, rutabaga sticks and a small pomegranate juice.
Keep up the good work, Lisa, and keep those donations coming as well.
*Men's/Women's Clubs Combined Outing To Medieval Tournament*
Men's Club President Brother Les Philling recently announced that the combined Men's and Women's Clubs outing to the local Medieval Tournament was a great success and that a wonderful time was had by all (please see the pictures that were posted on the Church's website). We did post one photo to the 'BULLetin (see above).
That's Brother Allen Wrench, who seems to be guilty of a) taking this whole tournament/jousting shit a little too seriously and b) having been over-served by some inconsiderate waitperson.
Brother Allen has been suspended from the Men's Club indefinitely.
*AJATTWC Announces Huge Raffle Of New Car*
So we're gonna' raffle off one of these beauties, assuming we can get our hands on one, and raise a lot of money for me, I'm sorry, I mean for the AJATTWC, so we can continue our various missionary projects and outreach efforts.
Chances are $1000 each, or 3 for $4000, with the "most" of the proceeds going to the Church-sponsored charity, the Home For The Chronically Bewildered.
We would ask that you please be generous (Harley needs to be groomed and to get a new collar, something with semi-precious stones this time). http://editorial.autos.msn.com/blogs/autosblogpost.aspx?post=468eb86e-f9f4-4e6c-8051-6f14bbb286f4
*Women's Club Bake Sale*
Once again, there will be NO Women's Club Bake Sale this month; however, since there has never been a NOBULLetin yet that didn't make some reference to a Women's Club Bake Sale, we felt that this item should be included in this month's edition.
Again.
*Science Series Lecture By Dr. O'Lading*
The Church-sponsored Center For The Consideration Of Weighty Matters' director, our own Dr. Bill O'Lading, has announced that he will give another in his ongoing series of lectures on all kinds of interesting "science stuff" next Whitsuntide evening at Star Date 4963.21, in the Church Meeting Hall.
The topic of Dr. O'Lading's lecture will be: "Geocentrism: Have You Lost Your Mind, Or Are You Just Kidding?" Dr. O'Lading's remarks will address and answer some of the controversy recently caused by the Society Of St. Pius X, a Roman Catholic organization that, amongst other goofball ideas, rejects much of the findings and teachings of the Second Vatican Council in the early '60s. In particular they feel that Galileo Galilei, the famed 16th-century astronomer, got it all wrong when he postulated that the Earth revolved around the Sun, contrary to what the Roman Catholics had taught at that time for years (they taught the Earth was orbited by the Sun and Planets, making it, and them, the center of the Universe). So back in 1615 Pope Urban VIII had Galileo tried by Inquisition, found him guilty of heresy and banished him to New Jersey, where he fell in with a bad crowd and was never heard from again.
Dr. O'Lading will discuss the Earth's orbital path and tangents as it moves around the Sun, the role of the other planets in a "heliocentric" orbital scheme, as well as non-orbital planetary bodies and "quarks"; Dr. O'Lading will also be available for a question and answer period immediately following his talk; we would ask that, in respect for ourselves, that no questions such as, "Are the "SOSPX" people as crazy as shit-house rats, or what?" be asked, so as to maintain the dignity of the proceedings.
*Pizza And Bowling Night For The AJATTWC Teen Club*
Teen club President Kelly Green reports that the recent Teen Club outing to Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor was a resounding success, and that a fun time was had by all, and especially by Brother Art Gallery, whose picture at the event appears above.
Great job, Brother Art; you don't look like too much of an asshole or anything.
*Prayer Requests*
-Sister Maureen Corps asks that you remember her cousin, Nathan Mark Hardy, who was recently arrested leaving a grocery store with a pork loin, two bags of jumbo shrimp and...wait for it...two live lobsters, all stuffed down into his cargo shorts.
Charges are pending.
-Brother Phil Harmonic asks that you remember his pet Gila monster, Susan, who is having a renal procedure next week.
-Sister Sandy Beach asks that we all remember today is the 56th anniversary of the premiere of the TV series "Gunsmoke" on CBS in 1955.
*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*
The Bored Of Elders of the Church asks that you patronize the local merchants who so willingly support our activities, even the goofy ones. (Our goofy activities, not our goofy sponsors.)
-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law
"We're in it for the dough."
www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com
-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor
"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"
227 North Bondage Ave.
-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"
Visit us at www.labeautiful.com
All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:
-breast augmentation
-breast lifts
-male breast ("moobs") reduction
-hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")
-facelift
-tummy tuck
-and many others
Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin
Free Limo Service with qualified procedures
(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)
Well, that wasn't TOO bad, was it?
Love and hymnals,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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