"Rick Perry is running for what?"
I would apologize for the hiatus that I, your favorite Pope, took recently, but since I suspect that not many of you even noticed I was gone, I'll not bother.
Oh, the plight of the homeless prophet, crying out, alone in the wilderness, his voice to be heard. (Hey, how's that for poetic?)
Once a month, or 213 times annually, the All John All The Time World Church publishes it's monthly newsletter, the NOBULLetin, to let all the followers of your Pope and the Church know about the various happenings and events that are taking place here at the AJATTWC.
So, without further ado, from our headquarters here in the bucolic and totally decrepit San Fernando Valley in the great city of LA (pronounced LAH) in the equally great state of Confusion, err, excuse me, California, here is your NOBULLetin for October, 1568.
*"Johner Of The Month" For October*
The coveted reward, given by the Bored Of Elders of the AJATTWC every month to one of the Pope's most fervent and loyal adherents to the "soothing balm of Johnism", is this month awarded to:
Mr. Gene Mynahan of
Cochituate MA
Congratulations, Gene! And as a further token of the Bored's esteem, Gene will be given a boiler-plate, generic plague, commemorating this hysterical, err, sorry, historical event. With that plague and 10 bucks, Gene can go to any Mickey D's in the country and get a 1/4-Pounder W/Cheese Combo, a chocolate shake and about 15 bajillion grams of fat. Enjoy, big guy!
*Men's Club Book Burning*
The AJATTWC Men's Club President Brother Gideon Bible announced recently that the Men's Club will be sponsoring an outing to the local branch of the City Of LA Library, to burn a number of books, in a symbolic gesture of some sort, that the Men's Club officers find objectionable. Included on their list of books that "have to go" are the following:
"Huck Finn" by Mark Twain
"The Catcher In The Rye" by J.D. Salinger
"Fahrenheit 451" by Ray Bradbury (who's topic is the suppression of knowledge by the burning of books)
"Where The Wild Things Are" by Maurice Sendak
Wait a minute, this is so wrong; hang on while I make a call, would you?
ring...ring...rin
"Monsignor Mike."
"Mike, it's PJ, how you doin'?"
"Hey, boss, I'm fine today, what's up?"
"Did you approve this Men's Club outing, this book-burning thing?"
"'Book-burning thing'"? No, I don't know anything about it. What are you talking about?"
"I'm writing the BULLetin for October and one of the announcements that Gideon wanted me to make was for a Men's Club outing to the local branch of the LA Public Library to burn a bunch of books. What the hell is that all about?"
"Beats me," said my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one who played at North Carolina), "it's the first I've heard about it."
"Okay, well, this isn't going in the BULLetin, believe me, because it isn't going to happen. You get a hold of Brother Bible and tell him that this "outing" is cancelled, per me. Got it?"
"Yes, sir, I'll see to it immediately." He hung up, and that was that. (Sometimes, it's good to be the Pope.)
Geez. Book-burning?!? When did the AJATTWC become a local chapter of the Tea Bag Party? Yikes, that's scary, like that nut-case minister down there in FL who wanted to burn the Koran on the anniversary of 9/11.
Sorry folks, not in my church.
Oh, by the way; "Mongolian Death Worms".
That was a title of a movie that was shown recently on the SyFy Channel; I didn't watch it, but I thought the name was historical, err, shit, hysterical. If I ever have the opportunity to make a movie, I think my title will be "Cockroaches Of Death From Beyond The Galaxy", starring Jennifer Aniston as "Jen", the heroine and love interest (who's nipples show through her shirt all throughout the movie) of "Ashton", played by Ashton Kutcher, who's real name is Mr. Demi Moore, at least for the moment, and as "Carl T. Cockroach", Charlie Sheen, who is, the "Cockroach Of Death From Beyond The Galaxy". Coming soon to a theatre near you.
All right, let's get back to the announcements.
*Woman's Club Bake Sale*
There is currently no Woman's Club Bake Sale scheduled, according to Club President Virginia Ham; however, in the history of the AJATTWC and the NOBULLetin, there has never been an edition that did not contain a reference to a Woman's Club Bake Sale, and I didn't want to set an unfortunate precedent.
*Fund-Raising Drive....forget it, that book-burning thing has me too upset to finish the BULLetin. I can't believe that anyone in this supposedly "enlightened" age can still think that you can control people's thoughts by suppressing ideas and knowledge. Did we digress back to Germany in the '30s when I wasn't looking? Are you kidding? (That's the name of my atomic powered rocket ship: the R U Kidding. Sorry.) And "banning", the less intrusive, but equally offensive removal of books from approved reading lists for schools: there's quasi-government agencies, such as school boards, who determine what your child can, or cannot, read. Don't believe me? This is a mild example:
Pay attention, folks; there's people out there who want to control what you and your children read, and if that doesn't scare the shit outta' you, it sure does me.
Well, anyway, this wasn't one of my better BULLetins, but I'll do better next month, I promise.
(Next month, somebody will probably want the Teen Club to take a field trip to a condom factory. Which, now that I think about it, might not be such a bad idea.)
Prayer Requests*
-Sister Georgia Peach asks that everyone remember her father, Eat A. (and thank you, Duane and Greg and the boys), who is having a stone removed next week;
-Brother Art Gallery would like you to pray for his sister, Peanut, who is having surgery on her "tookus" next Thursday;
-Sister Amber Wavesofgrain asks that everyone remember her pet platypus, Rosie, who passed away last week at the age of 14; Rosie will be missed by all.
*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*
Okay, here's the list of sponsors; do the Bored a favor and check these merchants out. They help fund the exorbitant salary, err, pittance that the Bored pays me twice a month.
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(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)
Hey, does anyone out there have an extra copy of "Slaughterhouse 5"? I'm trying to get my grill going so I can burn some burgers for the Harley Dog and myself, and I need some kindling.
Love and Samuel Clemens,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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