If any of you out there are approximately the same age as your Pope Guy, (Pope John The Tall of the All John All The Time World Church, that's me), which is roughly that of a redwood tree, and lived through the turbulent decade of the '60s, (NINEteen, not EIGHTeen, you smart-alecks), you might remember the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon show. Pound for pound, one of the best cartoons ever, with humor that was WAY too sophisticated for kids (probably way too sophisticated for a lot of adults I know as well, then and now).
There were lots of aspects of the show that were notable, beyond the great running storyline of R and B fighting Boris Badenov and his sidekick, Natasha Fatale, who were spies for their country, Pottsylvania, and it's leader, Mr. Big, who Boris and Natasha also referred to as "Fearless Leader" (actually, they might have been two different characters; its been a long time and I really don't recall); there were lots of dumb cartoon sight gags and vignettes of Bullwinkle saying to Rocky, as he held an old top-hat in his hand, "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat, " and then the moose would reach into the hat and pull out...well, sometimes he'd get the head of a rhinoceros (to which Bullwinkle remarked, "Whew, don't know my own strength") or the head of a male lion, which prompted Rocky to ask Bullwinkle, "Wrong hat?", to which Bullwinkle replied, "I take a 7-1/2." Silly stuff, but when you're a kid, great humor. (Hell, I think its still pretty funny now.)
One of my favorite recurring features on the show was a segment called "Peabody's Improbable History", whose main characters were Mr. Peabody, a lab-smock and glasses-wearing genius dog (I think he was a bagel, err, sorry, beagle) who could talk, and "his boy", Sherman, a lad of maybe eight or so. Peabody invented the "WABAC" machine (pronounced LAH, sorry, "Way Back"), a time machine that, unfortunately, only allowed someone to return to the past; there was no "D" on this transmission, only "R". Every week, Peabody and Sherman would "set the WABAC machine" to some historical date in the past, and then return to observe the occasion. Of course, there were always some problem with how things were happening, and every week Mr. Peabody and Sherman had to intervene in some manner to ensure that the historical event took place as it had been recorded in the history books.
So I got to thinking the other day that, wow, wouldn't having a "WayBack" Machine be a great way to go back to past times and, maybe, well, change things around a little, you know, maybe correct a few "mistakes", kinda' do the future generations (us) a little favor. (Think of it this way: if Barbara Pierce doesn't marry George H.W. Bush, then she never gets pregnant and has "W", and then we never have to have that asshole as the 43rd President. See where I'm going with this?)
Of course, that wouldn't work; it's the epitome of the law of unintended consequences. Besides, there's a theory in science-fiction that the past can't be altered; the fact that "W" was born, grew into an asshole, went into politics, ran for and became President and then sunk this country like almost no other President has before him would prove conclusively, so says the theory, that I wasn't able to go back in time and stop Babs from making a terrible mistake. But the idea makes for some great speculation.
I decided to have the Science Department here at the AJATTWC look into what it would take to create and build a "WayBack" Machine, how much it would cost, what were the best applications of the technology, etc. (I was also going to ask Dr. Bill O'Lading, who is the director of our Church-sponsored think-tank, the Center For The Serious Consideration Of Weighty Matters, to examine the potential psychological impact and implications of such a machine, but I didn't when I learned that Dr. O'Lading had the entire Center tied up on a new project; how to safely extricate BOTH of Billy Ray Cyrus' feet from his mouth, BRC having been the victim of the old "open mouth, insert foot" routine so often that his doctors came up with a name for the disease: "oralapedia".)
I'm prepared to devote the entire Science Department's annual budget ($58.26) and it's resources (a Bunsen burner, a half-dozen pipettes, which I assume are small pipes, a centrifuge producing bomb-grade "cheesonium", which is the primary element in the making of Atomic Food Bombs, and two lab techs with their degrees in some science or another from the Spiro Agnew University School Of Science Stuff And Massage Parlor) to the creation of this machine, so that it might be used for the good of mankind, or at least to go back and somehow make my parents gazillionaires. (Remember what Kevin Spacey's character in the movie "Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil" said about the term "nouveau riche", which is French for "threesome" (no, its not): "It's the "riche" that counts.")
At the very least I'd like to use my version of the "WayBack" Machine to go back in time and somehow convince Linda Hachero, of Ft. Myers, FL, to reconsider her decision to have children, because if I had managed to screw up my daughter as badly as Ms. Hachero seems to have done with hers, I'd want to reexamine the whole premise of parenting.
According to WBBH-TV in Ft. Myers, "An honors student is accused of using a stolen gun to pistol-whip, then threaten her mother in order to get a sports car, according to Lee County Sheriff's Office reports." Said honor student is Rachel Hachero, the daughter of Linda.
Seems like L'il Rachel, who by the way is 17 years of age, was at a local car dealer and had her eye on an '04 Nissan 350Z, and called home to coax Mom into coming down to the dealership and cosigning for a loan to buy the car. When Mommy said no way, cute daughter Rachel threatened to kill her.
Dead, I assume, as in no more life, that's it, you're outta' here dead.
What a lovely young lady, and an honor student as well.
So L'il Rachel, not to be deterred by her mother's refusal to cooperate, returns home with a gun, which, according to the sheriff's report, she then proceeds to put to Mom's head and tells her they are returning to the dealership to fill out the papers and buy the 350Z. Now. Which they did.
Next day, Linda calls the Lee County Sheriff's Department to report her offspring, but tells deputies that she doesn't want to prosecute Rachel because "she is an honors student who has been accepted to several Ivy League colleges on scholarships". Fortunately, sheriff's deputies decided that "there was probable cause to arrest Rachel for aggravated assault with intent to commit a felony, one count of battery touch or strike and possession of a firearm by a person under the age of 18", despite her mother's reticence, which they did.
I love this part: "A check of the gun's serial number revealed it was stolen from a Lee County Port Authority Law Enforcement officer in early July 2010." Exactly how does a 17 year-old "honor student" come to have possession of a piece that once belonged to a Port Authority cop? Never mind, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.
"Set the WABAC machine for June 16th, 1992, Sherman; that's a year before Linda Hachero meets Rachel's father. We have to go back and talk some sense into her."
Yeah, and good luck, guys; for the sake of the world, I hope you succeed. Because either this kid was the female version of Damien in the movie "The Omen", or Linda Hachero is the most inept excuse for a parent in modern history. How do you have a family so dysfunctional that your senior-in-high-school daughter thinks its okay to threaten her mother WITH A GUN when Mom won't cosign for a loan for a car that the little darling isn't legally old enough to own anyway? Holy Swapped At Birth, Batman, what the hell is that all about? These two deserve each other. Wow.
I haven't heard back from the Science Department guys as yet on their progress on the idea of the WayBack Machine, and I'm not surprised; they've been really tied up working on a project to invent a machine that allows the user to talk into an instrument and have their voice be heard by another person miles away using a similar instrument. They're going to call it the "talkaphone", and from what they tell me...hang on, the Popephone is ringing...
"...JTT...hey, Mike, how's the gerbil-golf game comin'?...what?...whatta' you mean "its already been done"? by who?...never heard of him...well, you better get the message to those dumbshits in Science, they're down there jerking off and spending Church money like a bunch of drunken Republicans...I can't believe it...how long have you known this?...never mind, just get those assholes working on something that pays, okay?...yeah, today...yeah...yeah, hey, I really like the Big Hooters Monthly you sent over, thanks...okay, lemme' know...yeah, talk to later..." Shit.
That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one who went to North Carolina); he tells me those jerkoffs down in Science have been working on inventing something that's already been invented; boy, how irresponsible is that?
Its almost as bad as raising a daughter that threatens you with a gun when you don't do what she wants...or as bad as the daughter who does it.
Love and Dr. Spock,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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