Today's post will be brief, and for that I hope all you loyal followers of the Pope will forgive me; I've been called to the planet Hercyon III on an emergency mission and Harley and I (as most of you know, the Harley Dog is the "official" canine of Pope John The Tall (me) of the All John All The Time World Church) are heading out on the Royal Unionship Kidding, or the RU Kidding for short, which is my atomic powered rocket ship, just as soon as we finish breakfast (waffles for me, dog food for Harley).
We were called to Hercyon III by the Procurator of Memses, Blistex, who is the Guiba for the planet, who sent me an urgent message yesterday, telling me that he had a "situation of a spiritual nature" with one of his hrtibbthlks, which means "astronaut" in Quartle, the language they speak on Hercyon, and that he felt my presence could be of a beneficial nature. Since Hercyon III is fairly close to Earth, only .36 parsecs, we can get there in the Kidding in under a day, or about the time it takes to drive down the 405 Freeway from the Valley to the West Side, which for those of you who don't live in sunny and in the low 70's Southern California, is about 12 miles.
(...later in the day...)
We arrived on Hercyon III and were immediately taken to see the Procurator, who explained that his hrtibbthlks had been through an unsettling experience when he landed on Hercyon III's second moon recently; his ship had strayed slightly off course and crash-landed, safely I am happy to report, on a beach some miles from the moon's landing pad. Blistex then had the hrtibbthlks brought in so I could speak with him.
The hrtibbthlks' name was Zygote, and he was carrying a tiny, but exquisite grand piano and a small man, about a foot tall, as he entered the room. He put the piano and the wee, tiny man down on a table, and the little guy proceeded to sit at the piano and began playing Beethoven's Sonata #14, which as you all are aware is also known as the "Moonlight Sonata", and playing beautifully. We listened in amazement, and while the recital continued, I drew the hrtibbthlks aside and asked him to tell me his story.
"As I was sitting on the beach waiting for the rescue craft to come," he told me, "I noticed an object sticking out of the sand a few meters from where I was, so, out of curiosity, I walked over to check it out. It appeared to be a lamp of some sort, and as I picked it up I noticed some writing on the side. As I was wiping the sand off so I could read what it said, this mist began spewing out of the end of the lamp, and the next thing I knew, the mist had solidified and there stood this, I don't know what it was, but it looked like a really ancient being of some sort." He stopped and shook his head.
"I must have been standing there with my mouth hanging open, and then this apparition began speaking."
"Don't be afraid," it said, "I am of the Djini, and have been trapped in that lamp for many centuries, placed there by an evil sorcerer as punishment for being a Cubs fan. I am most grateful for your having freed me, and I will grant you two wishes as reward for your kindness. What desires may I fulfill for you?" (Cheap Djini: its usually three wishes.)
"So I thought for a moment," the hrtibbthlks continued, "and then told him that I would like good health for my family all throughout their lives."
The Djini looked at the hrtibbthlks and said, "I'm sorry, my son, but I am ancient in my years and do not hear so well; please, tell me again what you just said, as I did not understand you."
"So I repeated my wish, and the Djini clapped his hands and said it was done."
"And what is your second wish?" the Djini asked.
"I stood there and thought for a long time, and the Ancient One said in this anxious voice, 'Hurry, for my time in this shape grows short and I must return to whence I came."
"I could see the Djini was starting to fade, so I blurted out, 'I want a 12 inch penis.' The Djini, who was now becoming transparent as he faded into a mist that enveloped us both, placed his hand behind his ear and said, in a rapidly fading voice, 'I'm sorry, my time on this plane is no more, your second wish is...' and he was gone."
"What happened then?" I asked the hrtibbthlks.
And he pointed to the little man at the grand piano and said, "And when the mist cleared, there he was..."
(12 inch pianist, okay? Geez.)
Love and Mozart,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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