I've been asked by a number of my followers (all six of them), and encouraged by my staff, to expound on the various dogma (which is the female half of a set of canine parents, I imagine) that constitute the positions of the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church on such matters as abortion, gay marriage, birth control, gerbil golf and other weighty topics. In essence, what my staff has asked me to do is to formulate my ideas and thoughts into a formal collection of canon law for the AJATTWC that will be forever known as "Johnism".
After giving the matter careful consideration, (about 13 seconds), I decided that, yes, it would most likely be of great value to and provide guidance for my flock if I were to write what the Roman Catholics refer to as a Papal Encyclical (which, as you can see, is named after the Pape) that addresses many of the important issues that face us all in these troubling times. That and I don't have anything better to do this morning, so why not?
Since there are so many of these important issues that need be included in what I'm going to refer to as, in the interest of brevity, something of which I am rarely accused, my Sickle, giving each it's just desserts may require more than one post, so I'll deal with as many as I can today, and if need be, continue tomorrow. And ad infinitum, if necessary. (Don't you find that the use of Latin phrases in documents of this kind lend them a certain credence? And wasn't that a rock band from back in the '60s? "I see a bad moon arisin'...")
In no apparent order, other than as they occur to me, here goes:
Gay Marriage-
Those of you who have followed the Popemeister should already know my feelings on this matter; I, speaking for the AJATTWC, have absolutely no problem with gays getting married, to each other or to their pet Gila monsters if they so choose. It's been my experience that an awful lot of married persons are mostly miserable with their situation and/or their partner (and a divorce rate in this country of OVER 50% would seem to support my conclusions) and that if gays want to be equally miserable, they should be allowed to do so. I figure anyone goofy enough to actively desire this type of indentured slavery should have the opportunity to experience it. With that said, my message to my various gay friends and to the gay community at large would be, you go, girl.
Birth Control-
The position of the AJATTWC on this most personal of issues is one of tolerance, and in fact, in many instances, encouragement. That's right, I, as your Pope Guy, would strongly encourage those of you married folks (and those of you single folks who are living sinful, slutty lives as well) who are less than, shall we say, appealing in your physical appearance to consider practicing whatever method of birth control you feel is most appropriate for you. In other words, if you are the possessor of a face that can provoke the howling of animals or causes small children to weep uncontrollably, you are urged to bring no further little ugly people into a world already inundated with your kind, the proliferation of which many of my ex-girlfriends stand as testament thereto. For all of our sakes, if you're so ugly that your attendance at a dogfight might cause some people to believe you to be a competitor, forego progeny. Please. And for those of you who are less than svelte, shall we say, (in other words, if you look like the north end of a southbound truck with a "WIDE LOAD" sign attached) please apply the same logic.
The rest of you should do whatever you feel is in your best interests; I recommend vasectomies (please refer to my post of February 10th for a more thorough explanation of this procedure). From my personal experience, I can assure you that abstinence is effective also, although in my case it has been involuntary.
Gerbil Golf-
We have a saying here at Camp AJATTWC, with regards to mental/physical health: "Clean Mind/Clean Body: Pick One". The Pope suggests that all persons should be involved in some type of exercise regimen, be it active participation in such competitive sports as softball, basketball or cow-tipping, or running/walking or even gerbil golf; since exercise is of a beneficial nature to the health and well-being of all people, especially those of you who are "flabby-butts", we strongly encourage it. We're also aware of the controversy surrounding gerbil golf, and while we acknowledge the concerns of such groups as the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) and POGO (Protect Our Gerbils Organization), the sacrificing of a few innocent furry animals in the pursuit of fitness seems a small price to pay, given the health benefits (to say nothing of the thrill of whacking one of those little suckers off your second floor balcony with a five or seven iron, depending on your lie). (Hang on a minute; I just looked at that "ASPCA" acronym. Shouldn't that be ASFTPOCTA? Looks like the Animal Cruelty people left off a few letters.)
Prayer In Schools-
We had an incident here recently in one of the LAUSD (Los Angeles Unified School District, and at least they go the acronym right) high schools where a student brought a loaded (LOADED) handgun on campus in his backpack, placed said backpack on a table in a science lab in such a manner as to cause said handgun to go off, thereby wounding two other students who were sitting at the adjacent table. (Praise God, no one died.) Given the manner in which children of today's society seem to comport themselves, if I'm a teacher, school administrator or any other type of educational employee, you damn betcha' I'm praying.
Lindsay Lohan-
Ms. Lohan's most recent legal "difficulties", where she was videotaped wearing a $2500 necklace that she obtained from a Venice CA jewelry store, unfortunately and allegedly without the benefit of having actually paid for the item, and her subsequent indictment on felony theft charges as a result, on top of her multiple arrests for driving under the influence, her violation of her probation, her admission of drug usage during her probation, her occasional absence from judicial proceedings where her presence was required by law, the investigation by the San Bernadino Sheriff's Department into an alleged assault by her upon an employee of the rehab clinic where she was a patient plus her general "Screw you, I'm a celebrity so I don't give a shit what you mere mortals think or say" only lends support to the AJATTWC's ongoing position that the best thing that can happen to Ms. Lohan is that she be sterilized to prevent her from bringing any further really stupid, obnoxious people into the world. This is also our position vis-a-vis her idiot father as well (once again, please see my post of February 10th as a guide to the surgical procedure of vasectomy).
I will continue my Sickle with further in-depth examinations of Johnism and the various tenets that comprise the positions of the All John All The Time World Church in tomorrow's post, where I will deal with various issues such as the 2nd Amendment, global warming, short people, rampant foolishness and others. As your Pope, I would urge you to study those and the above ideas in great depth so as to comprehend them thoroughly and to understand how to apply them to your own sordid, unhappy lives.
Dog paw would be the male half of a set of canine parents, wouldn't "he"?
Love and papal edicts,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
No comments:
Post a Comment